“I’ve been the man who’s been by your side when the world fell apart around you. I’m not the schmuck who caused it. You don’t get to dismiss my very real concern when the man who you chose to bring into your life, the man who is the reason why I’m navigating a field of land mines to love you, causes you even more agony. Because no matter what happens, I’m the one who is here, the one who will always be here. I’m yours, Meadow. But don’t you dare shove at me the shit you want to hand him.”
Meadow hasn’t moved a muscle. I’m not certain if she’s angry or upset, but as much as I love her, as much as I stand behind the lifelong commitment she has to her children, I just can’t be her punching bag. I’m not Mitchell Borneman. I’m not the man who broke her. I’m the man who will be the rock at her back, who will move Heaven and Earth to give her what she needs.
Just not at the cost of hating her for it.
“Listen to your heart and ask yourself if you doubt there’s anything I’d sacrifice for you. Then think about treating me like your ex again.” With those parting words, I slam out of the screened-in enclosure and storm off toward the tree line near the lake.
I need a break. And right now, that means putting as much distance between me and Meadow as I can before I do or say something I’ll regret.
Spotting a tree not too far from the water’s edge, I use my upper-body strength to haul my lower body up enough so I can brace my booted feet on the knots. Scrambling quickly to a notched V that cradles my length, I brace my hips and wonder aloud, “What have I done to make her think I’d ever hurt her the way Mitch did?”
The rustling of the trees calm my fiery temper down, much as it did when I was a kid. I let the cool breeze off the lake whistle through the leaves when I remember Jed struggling to climb a tree with me when we were last here.
Huffing and puffing, he glared at me. “You’re a royal pain in the ass.”
Taken aback, I demanded, “Me?”
“Yes. You’re a sensitive guy, Kody.”
I scoffed at him.
“Think what you will, but you rarely put your soul forward anymore. You think I don’t know why?” Jed clapped me on the shoulder and smiled sadly—right before he almost toppled out of the tree. “Christ, how am I supposed to get out of this thing without breaking my damn neck?”
I smirked and dipped my chin. “The same way you came up. Just don’t fall.”
“Maybe a fall would do us both some good.” Before I could reply, Jed grinned one of his crazy smiles. “You know what this place needs?”
“I’m sure you’re going to tell me,” I drawled.
“A tree house. How cool would it be to come up here and cast a few lines with a few beers?”
I bellowed out a laugh. “Dude, we’re like 300 feet from the water. You can’t cast a line that far. And by you, I mean you personally.”
Jed just kept on smiling, ignoring my insult. “A man can dream about many things, can’t he, Kody? Good fishing, a tree house, and happiness are just a few.” Without another word, Jed began the descent down the tree.
Frozen, I shove aside a few branches and look out over Flathead Lake, which is what I did after Jed left me alone that afternoon to let my ire cool.
And before me is the same thing I saw that day. A two-story stone structure that’s been abandoned for as far back as our first visit here. And on the shore are two trees that, from a distance, would make the perfect structure for a tree house.
I choke on the lump in my throat as I remember the words of Jed’s will.
“To Kody Laurence, I leave my travel journals, sketch books, and drawing kit. There’s also an open-ended monthlong trip paid for at the retreat we went to in Montana. Inside one of the journals, you’ll find a drawing of a tree house I thought would be perfect there. Make that happen, will you? Sorry, Kody, the sketches suck. My skills were never up to yours. If I could wish anything for you, it’s to see there’s so much more than houses that need your magic touch.”
Build something… Did Jed mean the tree house, or did he realize I’d sit here where he once pulled me from a dark mood and would recognize the potential in a home behind it? Or maybe I just thought you’d finally see the potential I always knew you had inside yourself, I can hear the crazy bastard whisper. Fighting the burn I tell myself is due to the glare of the sun off the lake, I whisper, “You always did have more faith than I did.”
That’s when I hear the rustling of the branches below me. Then a muttered curse before “It’s never you I didn’t have faith in.” First, her hard hat pokes up. Then, a flushed, heartbroken face. My heart aches at the realization of how delicate Meadow’s heart actually is. She reaches for a branch to pull herself up and winces as bark scrapes against the sensitive skin on her palms.
I’d offer to help, but her words from earlier still rattle me. I’m not trying to take over her life, damnit. I just want to become a part of it. Okay, a permanent part, but to be compared for an instant like Mitch Borneman set me off.
When Meadow gets settled, she doesn’t say anything at first—probably waiting to see if I have anything more to say. But any of my sisters could tell her once I speak my piece, I’m done. I begin to see the benefits to arranging a meeting between the women related to me and Meadow, and not just for them to spill all my secrets. Maybe Brad and Rainey will help me with the same? Then I chuckle—well, Brad maybe. Rainey will never sell out her sister.
“Is it okay for me to be here?” Her voice is so soft, I might have missed the undertone of hurt as the leaves rustle.
“Yes. I finally separated the boyfriend who wants to make everything perfect in your life from the irrational idiot that spewed crap at you when you’re already so stressed—which is what Jed used to call me when we talked about your marriage. Now, I’m ready to be the man you need me to be.”
I’ve shocked her. While she’s trying to formulate a reply, I reach for her hand. “I’m not trying to challenge you when it comes to Mitch. At least,” I continue when she starts to squawk, “I wasn’t trying to.”
Her fingers twine with mine, cradling my hand much like the branches of the tree hold us both. “What you said was low, Kody. I haven’t compared you to him. I haven’t turned away from my problems or my responsibilities. But damnit, I have to deal with him, and it’s so frustrating because nothing seems to get through the selfishness.”
“Why haven’t you said anything before now?”
Meadow pulls her hand back. I feel the loss when she wraps her arms around herself, protecting herself from another blow. I want to curse myself because I know pain isn’t just physical. More often than not, the mental anguish leaves scars that are worse to overcome.
And I just added to her suffering by being an insufferable jerk.
“You don’t have to answer that,” I jump in before she can respond.
She shakes her head, her lips pressed tightly together. She shifts, and for just a second I’m terrified she’s going to leave. Then, her words practically have me falling out of the tree to the hard earth below.
“No marriage is perfect. There’s always something you question whether it’s about you or your spouse. That’s normal; people are human. But when your child is placed in your arms for the first time, there’s this expectation of perfection you feel you need to live up to for them. Your humanity takes a back seat to doing everything humanly possible to making their life superior to your own. While everything on earth would have made you happy, nothing but climbing a mountain will do—no, I take that back. Handing them every star in the sky if you can manage it.”
She takes a deep breath before continuing. “When Mitch betrayed us, the sky came crashing down on all of us. He was their father. He was the sun their world revolved around. Should I have ruined that for them when everything else was falling down around them?”
“So, you said nothing,” I conclude.
“I said nothing,” she emphasizes. “I have no control over what Mitch said and did. But for the first fe
w months, barely a civil word was shared between me and Elise. MJ hardly spoke to me at all.”
“And now?”
Her face contorts. “Now, they’re hearing the right things from the wrong people. Maybe it’s selfish, but I want to be their soft place to land. I want to wish all of this away, and it has nothing to do with you, Kody. It’s because I want to be on a plane home to Juneau to hold my children for the first time in three months and tell them it will be okay. We’ll be okay.” She dashes away the tears underneath her eyes. “In fact, I think we’re going to be great.” Her hand, still damp with her tears, stretches across the divide between us.
She hasn’t given me the verbal reassurance I was hoping for, but her actions tell me everything. This isn’t an affair, a moment out of time. What I’m feeling for her is real. And like life, the more real love is, the more complicated it can be. Should be. Especially when it matters. “Meadow, I’m sorry for what I said.”
“I’m not trying to hurt you or keep you out. I’m just trying to figure out how to rebuild a life for the two of most important people to me, this time with their feet on the ground.”
I tug her hand gently. She carefully picks her way across the thickly woven branches, much like she’s navigated our relationship. When she’s resting fully against me, I whisper in her ear, “I don’t plan on going anywhere.”
And in that moment, when her heart thuds so hard I can feel it bounce against mine, I mean every word.
Meadow
I’ve focused my energy on Nature’s Song as the kitchen’s progressed with cabinets being installed and the space has been measured for solid surface countertops. I wish I could hug Lenny a million times, even though he’s gone back to Portland. Every time I pass the bookcases, I’m awed by his talent. He proved himself to be the artist Kody said he was with the new handcrafted bookcases I think are more beautiful than the originals. And I’ve enjoyed the hell out of shopping for new furniture—a mix of old and new.
Kody and I attended a furniture auction near Missoula to an overnight adventure that still has him sending me salacious glances. And I might occasionally fan myself in memory of what that man can do with a slatted headboard.
I’ve ignored every attempt my sister has made to get a hold of me these last few weeks. I can’t stop myself from reading the few emails and texts she’s sent to make certain the kids aren’t dead, but other than that, I need time to think. Because I have to decide if Elise was lashing out or if I truly have to approach Mitch with her request.
God help me if I do.
Kara and Maris have tried to reach out as well, but after the way the Jacks have shut Kody out, I don’t feel right responding to them either. For the first time, I feel like I can only rely on my heart to decide what’s best.
And that’s terrifying because what’s best for them may destroy me even as happy as I am with Kody.
I took the day off from working at Nature’s Song so I could think, really think. Ever since Kody left, I’ve been sitting in a roomful of Elise’s things still packed up in boxes. Since I wanted her to be a part of the process to turn this into her new home, I labeled each box carefully so I only undid the ones necessary without invading her personal space. Fortunately, that means I know exactly what’s in what box.
Shoving and grunting, I find the box I’m looking for. It’s one I packed labeled “Pictures and Memories,” but inside it contains everything from Elise’s footprints to her school pictures. Albums of our lives sit next to mementos carefully wrapped. There are boxes inside boxes.
Flicking open a box cutter, I slowly cut it open. As the knife penetrates through the packing tape, every word she screamed at me slices through me.
Dad’s cheating is probably your fault.
I don’t want to be a part of any family with you in it.
I’m old enough to say what I want and don’t want.
The knife nicks me at the very end. I don’t feel the pain, as numb as I am. But as the contents of this box may be the last tangible items of my daughter’s I hold, I don’t want them marred. Quickly, I grab a tissue from the box I brought into the room with me and wrap it around my finger before reaching for the folder labeled “Elise – Infant.”
And there she is—my baby girl. “You weren’t even a day old,” I whisper, my fingers dancing over the page. “So tiny. Your dad could hold you in his arm like a football. I was afraid the jackass was going to drop you on your head. Did I ever tell you he did once?”
“Maybe you should tell her that?” Kody says from the door.
Somehow, I’m neither surprised nor angry he’s here. He’s become a part of me I never want to let go. I’m just terrified to admit it with the fear of losing everything else I’ve loved.
Ever since we went to Polebridge, and then made love the first time, we’ve spent all our spare hours together. Yes, there’s the rush of lovemaking, but there’s so many hours we just spend talking. It’s never about the big things, but about what it was like for him at school, and about how I liked online classes after all the years in between. Did he truly enjoy living in Portland? Did I miss Juneau? And shockingly, how much we both loved living in Montana even though it had been only a short period of time.
Yesterday, I thought I was going to pee on myself after he took a call from his mother. We were lying on the sun-warmed grass next to the lake, both of us grinning at the complaints from the crew because the cool mid-fifty degrees felt like shorts weather to us both. Kody was still wearing a smile when he wrapped up his call saying, “Love you too, Mom.” He paused, pressing a kiss to the top of my head before saying, “I’ll tell her you said hello. Okay. Bye.” Tossing his phone to the ground, he announced, “Mom says hi.”
Tightening my arm around his middle, I nuzzled my head against his chest before murmuring drowsily, “Hi, Mom.”
“So do Candy, Vicki, Greta, Amelia, Alissa, Sandra, and my dad. Apparently, Mom has shared the news with everyone I’m seeing someone.”
My lashes flicked open. “No pressure there.”
“Nope. None at all.” He ran his hand over my back, relaxing me again. “Just keep on being you, Flower. Things will be just fine.”
Taking him at his word, I simply enjoyed the moment. Then, my curiosity got the better of me. Shifting upward, my long hair formed a curtain around his face, blocking out the fading sun. “There’s always been something I’ve wanted to know, especially now that I’ve had children.”
Reaching up, Kody tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. “You know there’s nothing you can’t ask.”
I smiled. I do now. “But this isn’t about you exactly.”
“Oh?”
I braced an elbow on his broad chest before propping my chin on it. Then curiosity won out. “How did your mother name so many kids?”
Kody roared with laughter, practically bucking me off him. “I’ll let you ask her that one day.”
“Deal,” I answered, before plopping my head back down and enjoying the rest of our time before we had to close down the house for the night.
Even though we’ve circled each other’s lives for forever, I feel like neither of us are in a rush to push our relationship at some breakneck speed just to suit someone else’s timeline. But seeing him standing there—ready to protect me even from my own heartache—makes me feel cosseted, protected. Cherished. My anger also flashes because how could Brad make him choose?
“Would you have listened to your mom when you were twelve?” I ask him instead of responding to his question about Elise.
“I don’t know. I’d like to think so, but I’m not twelve anymore.”
“Thank God,” I murmur.
He laughs softly, and I finally rake my eyes over his boots, up over his jeans, to his flat stomach covered by an untucked flannel, to the broad chest that holds a heart I’m just getting to know all over again. Finally, I tip my head back against the bed until I see his face. He’s frowning. “What is it, Kody?”
“Why Elise? When I
got her birth announcement, I tried to figure it out, but I never could.”
I recall the frustration during what should have been one of the happiest times of my life. I try to hide it, but Kody notices. He crosses the room and squats down next to me. “Hey, I didn’t mean to bring up any bad memories.”
“Not bad, per se. Just emotional ones. Do you remember—” I swallow hard before I say my sister’s name. “—Rainey or me talking about our Aunt Alice? The one who moved to Connecticut years ago?”
“The shrink? Of course. Out of all the stories Brad ever told, those were some of the best. The lady sounds like a whack job.”
“She treats whack…patients, Kody. Anyway, she’s great. We’ve always been close. But when I wanted to name the baby after her, Mitch had a conniption fit. He thought the name was too old-fashioned.” Kody makes a rude sound I appreciate. I finish with, “So, I found a variation that meant the same thing.”
“What does Elise mean?” He reaches out and takes the hand I hurt, laying a gentle kiss on it.
“Noble, brave. Dedicated.” My eyes drop to the photo I’m holding. “And she’s all of those things. She’s not going to change her mind about this.” A sob erupts from me. “I’m going to lose my baby girl because…because…”
Before I can crumple the photo, Kody pulls it out of my hands before he wraps his arms around me. “Shh. Let it out, Flower.”
“What did I do, Kody? All I did was refuse to let him walk all over my pride.” I cry into his shoulder.
Then I freeze as an unexpected voice says from the doorway, “Damn straight. And if you answered one of our texts, maybe we could have told you we agreed with you.”
“What?” I pull back and find myself facing a seriously pissed-off Maris Smith and Kara Jennings. “What are you two doing here?”
Maris goes to open her mouth again, but Kara lays her hand across it before saying, “We’re here because Rainey and Brad can’t be.”
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