by Cece Peters
“No, I don’t regret it at all,” Matty replied quickly, looking over at me with a serious look on his face. “I worried about it afterwards, though. I felt bad we never talked about it. Maybe if it had happened earlier, we would have had the chance. But I was gone the next day. And, well, now it’s sixteen years later. I just want you to know that it meant a lot to me, that it was something I had wanted to do for a long time leading up to that night.”
I sat in silence for several moments to let his words sink in before saying, “Well, we were only teenagers. I don’t know if we would have even known how to talk about it.” I looked down at my lap. “I never told anyone. I guess it was something I wanted to keep for myself, you know? One last thing to hold on to that was just mine. Or, yours and mine, I guess. Something just between us.” Although that wasn’t exactly true; while I’d never set out to tell anyone about what we’d done, some people did end up finding out. However, I saw no need to share that information with Matty.
“Yeah, I know how you feel. I never told anyone, either.” Matty sat up suddenly, leaned forward, and looked me in the eye. “But not because I was sorry or ashamed; I wasn’t. I was happy it happened, Leah. I held onto that memory for years afterwards.” He smiled at me before asking, “If I hadn’t moved, do you think it would have happened again?”
“I…well…yes, I think it would have,” I said honestly, looking into his eyes with a small smile on my face. “At least,” and I paused a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, “I would have wanted it to."
“Me, too, Leah,” Matty replied. “Me, too.” And with that, he gave me a sweet smile, stretched out his arm and extended his hand, which I took in mine. For a few moments, we stayed like that, holding hands, and gazing into the distance, thinking about what was and perhaps what could have been.
CHAPTER SIX
As we’d pinky sworn in the eighth grade, Matty and I did remain the best of friends in high school. Our habits from junior high mostly continued into our freshman year and then into tenth grade: Matty played sports, and I was a cheerleader, this time for both football and basketball. Matty usually rode to and from the games with me and my family, often staying at my house to have a snack and just hang out.
We studied together, too. As we’d been warned about by our eighth-grade teachers, and as I had feared, high school classes were much harder than junior high; and in every subject other than English and history, I struggled. Matty helped me get through math and science, although we both had a hard time with Spanish. While we both had our sports practices after school on most days, he would typically show up at my bedroom window later in the evenings, even if it was just to talk for a few minutes to catch up on our days.
My parents continued to drive us places until we got our driver’s licenses during our sophomore year, Matty first and then me. My birthday was in July and Matty’s in November; so, I could have started driving much earlier. But I was fearful about being behind the wheel and dragged my feet, waiting to take my driver’s license test on the same day Matty took his. And even after I’d been given a car by my parents (it was my mom’s old car; she’d upgraded to a new model that year, passing her old one on to me), I still resisted driving, preferring to catch a ride with Matty. He didn’t mind always doing the driving as he said he feared for his life when I was behind the wheel.
Our friend group expanded a bit in ninth grade with some kids who had come from other middle schools; but we mostly stuck with the same friends from eighth grade, including Krista and Jimmy. From the outside, things looked the same as always.
But inside, at least for me, things had started to change. We were, of course, older. And as a boy and girl best friend pair, we attracted a lot of attention from other kids. The friends we had grown up with were accustomed to seeing us together, but our new classmates could not understand how we were just friends and not a couple. We were frequently teased; nothing harsh, just jokes about how we were probably making out after school or that we were secretly holding hands under our desks.
Matty would always laugh and tell them that we were just best friends, not a couple. And while I knew that was true, I started to feel a little hurt when he would say that, as though the thought of us as a couple was ridiculous. My teenage hormones were raging and I began to feel attracted to Matty. When those feelings arose, I always tried to push them down; and I distracted myself by trying to have crushes on other boys. But I could not deny that I was starting to like Matty as more than just a friend.
Admitting to myself how I was feeling about Matty terrified me. I was positive that if he or anyone ever found out that I liked him, our friendship would be over. I convinced myself that he would even hate me for it. I vowed to get my emotions under control and went out of my way to hide my feelings, including talking about other boys that I claimed to have crushes on; even though I didn’t, really. I made sure to always remain laid back and casual when around Matty, least he suspect how I was really feeling.
Fortunately, Matty wasn’t too keen on dating, even though he had girls practically throwing themselves at him; so, I didn’t have to hide any jealousy. One summer day before the start of ninth grade, we had promised each other that we would be each other’s dates to all the school dances. And we stuck to that for two homecomings, two winter formals, and two proms. Matty never showed much interest in other girls, other than agreeing with his friends when they talked about a model or actress being ‘hot,’ and he never expressed that he wanted to take anyone else to the dances. Plus, he was so wrapped up in sports that his free time was spent either on school work or hanging out at my house, usually with the rest of my family around.
Matty first mentioned that his dad was up for a promotion at work mid-way through the spring of our sophomore year and that the job would mean they would move to California. I remember feeling sick when he told me; but he quickly brushed it off, saying he didn’t think it would happen as his dad was such a big-wig at his current location. No way would the company want to move their best Midwest executive out of the region; and he couldn’t imagine his folks giving up the social status they enjoyed in Springville.
A few more times over the coming weeks, Matty would again mention his father’s potential promotion. The company flew his dad to California for an in-person interview. A week later, they brought both of his parents out to tour the area and attend a cocktail party with the board of directors of the firm; the board members were the ones who would be voting on which of the candidates would be awarded the job. I could tell Matty was starting to worry that they might move; but we were all so busy wrapping up the school year and preparing for summer that any concerns were quickly pushed aside. I wouldn’t even let myself consider the possibility of Matty leaving; I told myself that if I just ignored it, it would never happen.
Then came that day two weeks before the end of our sophomore year when Matty climbed in my window, as he had hundreds of times before, to tell me it was official, that his dad had gotten the promotion and that they were, indeed, moving to California. My heart broke that day, and even though we promised our friendship would survive and tried making the most of our last summer together, the looming move was always at the forefront of both our minds.
The night before Matty’s family moved to California, his parents threw themselves a private going-away party at the country club. Surprisingly, they sprung for extra to rent out the pool area and let Matty invite thirty friends to swim while the adults were inside. No doubt to keep the kids occupied and out from under foot at the main party, seeing that by then we were all old enough to have been allowed into the main dining room.
I was seventeen on that night, my birthday being in July. I was always glad my parents had made the decision to keep me back a year rather than enrolling me in school when I was five as it would have put me in the grade ahead, meaning I wouldn’t have the friend group I’d grown up with. It also meant I likely wouldn’t have ever befriended Matty.
All of my friend
s, including Matty, were sixteen on that night. Everyone was by now driving their own cars, and some even had after school jobs lined up for the coming year. It felt like we’d all become adults that summer, with plans for college already starting to take shape. I was scheduled to take the SAT test that fall, with my parents talking about different university options for me to consider.
Since many of our friends had spent the summer away as camp counselors or on extended family trips, there was a lot to catch up on. And everyone was excited to start eleventh grade, finally reaching upper class status. All of our friends gave Matty gifts, including me; I’d gotten him a card that read “Best Friends Forever” along with a new leather wallet to replace his beat-up vinyl one. I had also tucked my sophomore year photo and a wallet-size picture of us at prom inside.
Everyone was having a great time. Everyone but me, that is. I tried to join in the party atmosphere, but knowing that Matty not only would be gone the next day but would not be at school next week, or any week after that, weighed on me heavily. As the night wore on, I just could not deal with the fact that Matty was leaving forever.
“Hey, I’m heading home,” I said to Matty as I gathered my things together from the lounge chair where they had been setting, trying to put a smile on my face while swallowing back my tears. “I just can’t be here anymore, Matty.”
“Wait, don’t go, Leah. Stay with me; the party is almost over. We’ll go home together.” He put his fingers on my arm and left them slide down to my hand, which he held in his and squeezed.
“Matty, I just can’t,” I said, avoiding his eyes and swinging my beach bag over my shoulder, knowing that the round of farewells that would start once the pool closed would be more than I could bear. “You say your goodbyes to everyone, take your time; you’re the one moving away.”
“Well, I’ll come over later, okay?” he asked, coming closer to me. “This party wraps up in about an hour. Leave your window unlocked, okay?”
“Duh, it’s always unlocked,” I managed a small smile as I let go of his hand and turned to go, tears welling up and starting to fall down my cheeks. Once I knew I was out of sight of my friends, I sped up and ran to my car, letting out a loud sob once I was safely inside with the door closed. I don’t even remember the drive home. My sisters were staying over at a friend’s house that night and my parents were still at the Boyd’s going away party. By the time I walked in the front door, my face was a red, puffy mess from crying. All I wanted to do was flop down on my bed and sob, but I knew I had to get it together for when Matty showed up.
I allowed myself a good twenty-minute cry before forcing myself to stop. I then splashed my face with cold water a dozen times in an attempt to bring the swelling in my eyes down. I tried to fix myself up as best I could, but I hadn’t even changed from my swimsuit into dry clothes when I heard the window in my bedroom opening.
I took a deep breath and came out from the bathroom, forcing a smile on my face. But when Matty and I locked eyes, the tears started again. I just could not hold them back.
Matty came forward and grabbed me in a crushing hug. “Leah, please don’t. Please don’t cry. I can’t take it,” he said, shaking me a bit as he held me. “Shh, it’s going to be okay. Everything is going to be okay. We are still going to be best friends. We will always be best friends. Leah,” he whispered in my ear, “I love you. I will always love you. I will always be with you. Together forever, remember? Pinky swear?”
I didn’t answer, but instead I tried to slow my breathing and to get control of myself. My head was buried in his chest and my arms were around his waist; I could feel my heart pounding harder the longer he held me, and I knew Matty could feel it, too. Matty started rubbing my back and we began rocking back and forth together, almost as if we were slow dancing. Matty pulled away slightly and brought one hand around, putting his fingers under my chin and gently tilting my face up towards his. He leaned down and gave my lips a gentle kiss, and then another. I closed my eyes and leaned into him, my body coming awake as we continued kissing. Our kissing became intense, and Matty’s hands were suddenly all over me. While we had kissed before, we were older now, and our techniques had advanced.
I still had on the lightweight hoodie sweatshirt and jean shorts I had worn to the party over my two-piece swimsuit. Matty paused and looked at me, and I gave him the unspoken go ahead for him to unzip the lightweight fleece jacket, shrugging it off and letting it drop onto the floor; and I then pulled his tee shirt off. We stared into each other’s eyes while he put his hands on my shoulders and slid them down around the side of my breasts. I held on to his arms as he pulled me back in for another long kiss.
I finally stepped back a bit and, without looking at him, undid the hook on my bikini top. Matty could sense that I was too shy to completely take it off myself, so he gently pulled me back towards him and brought the straps from around my shoulders, keeping just enough distance between us to let it fall to the ground. He then ran his hands up and down my bare back before bringing them around to my exposed breasts and gently cupping them. I watched him as he stared at my body, the sensation of his hands on me bringing on an excitement I had never felt before.
As I became more aroused, I started shedding my inhibitions. I slid my hands down the sides of his body to the waistband of his swim trunks and pushed them down. I remember gasping at the sight of him, as I had never seen a naked boy before. He smiled and kissed me again before unbuttoning my shorts and letting them fall.
We stood pressed together with only my bikini bottoms between us, continuing to kiss. The feeling of our skin touching was the most overwhelming sensation I had ever felt; and I suddenly became brave, taking his hand and leading him over to my bed. I laid down on top of my bedspread, pulling Matty down on top of me. We began kissing again, letting our hands explore each other’s bodies. Matty took my hand and placed it so I could feel his arousal. I had a moment of fear as I realized what we going to do, but my desire was so strong that I pushed any hesitation away and pulled my bikini bottoms off.
“Are you sure, Leah?” Matty asked. “We don’t have to go any further. It’s okay, you can say no.”
“No,” I said. “I mean, yes. I want to go further. I’m not saying no. I’m saying yes.” I had of course fantasied about this very moment many times over the past two years, but the reality was so much different. The feeling of his warm skin, the rising of his bare chest as his heart rate rose, and the sound of his rapidly increasing breathing were all new experiences for me. My body was strongly responding in ways I had never known it could.
Matty balanced his weight on top of me and we awkwardly wiggled around trying to find a comfortable position. I only knew what to do, or at least what I thought I was supposed to do, based on what I had seen in movies and from some basic sex education we’d been given once at school. I knew I needed to spread my legs, and I felt a lot of pressure as Matty started to enter me. I then felt a sharp pain, which made me gasp and suck in my breath.
Matty pulled out, “I’m sorry, Leah. I didn’t mean to hurt you. Are you okay? We’ll stop, okay?”
“No,” I insisted. “Don’t stop. I know it will hurt a bit. But I want to finish. Please.”
Matty hesitated, but I pulled his body back down and spread my legs apart further. “Please, Matty. Please.” I kissed his mouth and then his neck as he lowered himself back down and into me. The pain was there again, but not as sharp. Just an uncomfortable fullness. Matty tried to go slow and be gentle, but his teenage hormones eventually took over and he thrust into me hard before coming, which brought on another wave of pain, so strong that it made my eyes water. But it also felt good to be so close to him, to feel him inside of me. I wasn’t sure if I’d had an orgasm or not. The feeling was so intense, but I didn’t shudder or moan the way Matty did.
Matty pulled out and tried to catch his breath. “I went too fast. I’m sorry. I couldn’t help it,” he said as he laid on his side next to me, keeping a hand on my stomach. �
�Did I hurt you? Are you bleeding?”
“Bleeding?” I asked, thinking that it was a such a weird question. Why on earth would I be bleeding? “Um, I’m not sure.”
“Sometimes girls bleed their first time. At least, that’s what I heard. Do you want me to check?” he asked as he began to move to get a look.
“No! No, that’s okay,” I practically shrieked as the thought of Matty getting an up-close look down there was mortifying. I reached over and pulled a blanket up from the floor, which Matty helped drape over me, spreading it out so that it covered him at the waist.
“If you didn’t bleed now, you might a little later. I mean, that’s what they told us in sex ed.”
“Well, they never mentioned that in my sex ed class. Why would they tell the boys and not the girls? And how don’t you already know?” I asked hesitantly, looking down at my hand, which was resting on top of his hand on my stomach.
“How would I know? I’ve never been with a girl before,” Matty said, looking surprised that I didn’t know that.
“Oh. I just…assumed. The girls are always pushing me aside to try to get to you,” I said with a little laugh, thrilled to know that I was in fact his first. “I think most girls are only friends with me in an effort to get close to you.”
“Well, I wanted to wait until it was right. And tonight, it just felt right.” Matty looked at me and quietly said, “You know I’m not interested in your friends or the other girls at school. You have always been the only girl in my life, Leah. I guess I always figured my first time would be with you. I mean, I wanted it to be.”
“Same for me,” I said, as my breath steadied and I relaxed, gazing up at him. “I’m so glad it was with you. I love you, Matty. You are my best friend and will always be, no matter how far away you move.”