“Start with a day off. Just like this afternoon, but on a weekday. You can do that, right?”
She sat up taller. “Yeah.”
“Good. Then you’re settled.”
She glanced over at me. “You’re good for me, Phoenix.”
I didn’t know how to respond, so I bit my lip.
“Was that a weird thing to say?” she asked gently. “I know this isn’t traditional, but it’s been good for me. I hope it’s as good for you.”
I felt a sinking in the pit of my stomach, a ball of guilt weighing down the core of me. Guilt for auditioning for something that might take me away (but wasn’t my career the whole point of this in the first place?) Guilt for making plans with Ray (but it was just coffee). Guilt for fighting with my friends. Guilt for reacting the way I did during dinner with Meghan and Kris. Guilt for not talking to Kris directly about all the things on my mind. Guilt for three weeks of sulking and coldness. And beneath it all, that tender affection for her that I’d been trying all this time to avoid.
Kris reached over and pushed a stray hair out of my face. I choked back tears.
“You’re too good for me. I’m so sorry.”
“Sorry for what?”
“For being so rude when Meghan came to dinner, and for being rude basically ever since.”
“It wasn’t fun. I was wondering what that was about.”
“Why didn’t you make me talk about it?”
“How was I going to do that? Spank you until you told me why you were pouting?”
“Something like that.”
“That’s not my style. I play within the arrangements we’ve agreed to. But when it comes to the emotional stuff outside of that, you’re an adult. I trust you to talk to me, and if you don’t want to talk about something, that’s your choice. What you were doing was getting on my nerves, and I want you to handle things differently next time.”
I swallowed back more tears. “Why are you being so nice to me when I’m being awful?”
“You aren’t being awful. You were handling something badly. It happens. If you can keep it from happening next time, we can skip the unhappy part and go right to the beach.”
“I can’t believe that I was so obnoxious and you still took me to the beach and gave me a wonderful afternoon.”
She grinned. “Some people break open when you hit them in the right place. I thought you might be the type who breaks open when you’re taken care of.”
I started crying in earnest then. “I think you’re right.” I laughed through the flood of tears. I thought about the way submitting made me feel taken care of, and how that cracked me open as much as anything else. I thought about how badly I’d been handling my feelings. I thought about everything and could not stop crying.
“Do you want to talk about it? Where all that anger you were feeling was coming from? And why you’re crying?” she asked.
“I can’t yet. I can’t get the words.”
“When you’re ready.” It was a command, one I intended to follow.
* * *
I started by making up with my friends. Sasha and I had already made a weary sort of peace while training together, but the next time I saw her, I apologized.
She put a hand on her hip. “It’s about time. You were being a dick.”
“You were being bossy,” I said.
“That is a shitty apology. I’m always bossy. That’s part of why we work well together. You’re talented as fuck, but you do better when someone’s pushing you. Like this audition. You would have talked yourself out of it, but I signed us up so you did it, and it’ll probably be the best thing that ever happened to either of our careers. So, yeah, I was being myself, and you were being a dick.”
Sasha had a point. “Fine, I was a dick.” I pulled a crash mat under a trapeze so we could get started. “When are we finding out about the auditions anyway?”
“They’re supposed to start letting people know on Friday.”
“The day before Valentine’s Day?”
“I don’t think Damien’s got that on his mind. More like, rehearsals start beginning of April and that’ll give people six weeks to get here if they aren’t already.”
I groaned. “We’re supposed to go to a party Friday night. I don’t want to tell Kris about this on our way to a Valentine’s party.”
“You are ridiculous.” She spun herself up to sitting on the trapeze. “If you don’t get it, you don’t have to tell her anything. Or you can tell her that you had an audition but didn’t get it. It’s not going to ruin your night just because you’re a little sad for a few minutes. But we’re going to get this, so you can just be happy and not get into why. Or you can tell her you had a good audition. You can tell her you got a part and not share the details. You have options. Don’t get upset because you’re getting good news.”
“I guess you’re right,” I said. “I just feel bad lying to her.”
“Really? How did that work when you had your date with your three-way friend? Kristen heard all about that?”
“Touché. Though that date has been postponed indefinitely.”
“Besides, what’s the big deal with Valentine’s Day? It’s a couple’s holiday. Aren’t you two supposed to be more like fuck buddy roommates? It’s awfully romantic for something that you keep saying doesn’t involve you falling in love.”
“I’m just excited for the party.” It was a play party.
“If you say so. Don’t fall in love. Now are we working on our doubles act or what?”
With that, I climbed up and balanced from Sasha’s legs.
* * *
Meghan should have been next on my list of amends, but I couldn’t do it yet. Instead, I gathered up all my willpower and wrote out some of what I needed to say to Kris. The evening after I apologized to Sasha, I greeted Kris by asking her if we could talk.
“That sounds ominous,” she said.
I unfolded the letter. The thought of telling her everything—my growing feelings, the audition, my almost-date with Ray—overwhelmed me. I started with something smaller but no easier.
“I’m sorry for how I behaved,” I read. “I felt sad that I woke up alone after our night with Ray, even though it was what I agreed to. I knew it wasn’t fair to feel that way, but that’s how I felt. I handled it really badly. I felt jealous that you came home early for dinner with Meghan when it was such a fight to get you to leave work to see me perform. I felt even more jealous when you opened up to her about work when you hadn’t told me anything about your plan to leave your company. I felt hurt but also like I wasn’t allowed to feel that or tell you about it. I don’t know why I thought I couldn’t tell you, but I did. I’m sorry.”
She hugged me. “I wish I’d known. I would have told you about maybe selling my company that night anyway. I’d been thinking about it since Christmas, but I wasn’t sure, and meeting with the lawyers was when I got serious. I thought you wanted Meghan to stay and I came home early because I thought it was important to you. And I’m sorry you felt bad after that night. I didn’t know. I wish you’d told me.”
“I’m telling you now.”
“Try to tell me sooner next time please?”
I nodded, even though there was so much I was still not saying.
Chapter Nineteen
Damian’s assistant called me early Friday morning, before I was even fully dressed. I literally had half a face of foundation on.
“We’re so happy to have you.” She sounded so chipper it made my ears hurt. “Will you take the part?”
I thought for a second. I could delay and talk to Kris. But why? Wasn’t this exactly what I quit my day job to do?
“Of course,” I said.
“Great! We’ll be emailing you information later today. Can I just confirm your email address?”
That was it. Years of training, years of saving, and finally, I had a job touring. It wouldn’t make me rich by a long shot. It wouldn’t make me a superstar. But it was the biggest
break I’d ever had.
I debated telling Kris, but when the time came, I chickened out. She’d skipped work to spend the day reading graphic novels and she was so happy over the lasagna I made her that I couldn’t bear to say I was leaving. We went to a play party, had a great time, and I forgot that I’d be leaving it all behind to go on tour in a few months. At the very end of the night, as we were climbing up the stairs to our home, Kris kissed me on the lips and wrapped her arms around me.
“This is the best Valentine’s Day I’ve had ten years,” she said.
“It’s been one of my best too.” I hugged her back. I wanted to tell her then, but I didn’t want to ruin the moment.
The next day I resolved to tell her, but still couldn’t work up the nerve. I had plenty of other things to handle in the coming weeks: giving notice at my teaching jobs, figuring out when I’d need to quit my work-exchange Kirkus Radix gig, and adjusting to the rehearsal schedule, which would have us busy for long days. Because we weren’t the stars, our schedules wouldn’t be as grueling as some, but it would still be a lot of work. Sasha was the mermaid’s understudy on top of her regular role, which meant she had to be there for basically everything, effectively ending any possibility that we’d do any other duo performances while we were rehearsing. I was also the sea witch in addition to being a mermaid-sister, which meant I had a dozen lines to learn and an additional silks routines. I didn’t know how I’d get dinner on the table and keep the house spotless when I was balancing that most days of the week, especially toward the final rehearsals when we’d be running through the whole show a couple of times a day.
I decided that before I’d be able to really talk to Kris, I needed to make things right with Meghan. I called her early Sunday evening, after inhaling a giant breath and practicing my apology about five hundred times.
“Hello?” Meghan answered, sounding skeptical.
“I’m sorry. I was being a jerk. I’m sorry.”
“Well, I’m glad you figured that out finally.”
“You were right. I was wrong. I should have talked to you. I was jealous that Kris talked to you about selling her company when she hadn’t talked to me about it before, and I acted horribly. I was scared of how upset I was, and I told Sasha about lunch and let her misunderstand because I was avoiding my feelings in really shitty ways. I know it’s hurt you. I’m so sorry. Do you forgive me?”
She exhaled loudly. “I can never stay mad at you, you goofball. Even when you are not yourself at all.”
“I think that was first fight we’ve ever really had.”
“I know. I was more worried than mad, actually. What do you think brought that out in you?”
I bit my lip. “Like you said, everything changed really fast, and I’ve been thrown. It’s been so intense, and I used to process all my feelings with John and it’s harder to do that texting and we’re both busy. I feel like I get lost to myself, if that makes any sense.”
“Because of your living situation?”
“Maybe, but I don’t think it matters that much because I’m going on tour.”
“What?!”
“Sasha and I both got parts. We start training in April. The show opens here in June, and a couple weeks later, we go to LA. Then it’s all over the country for five months after that.”
“Congratulations! It’s what you wanted, right?”
“It is. I just don’t know what I’m going to do about Kris.”
“You talk to her about it, obviously.”
I picked at my nail polish. “I was thinking of waiting a little bit.”
“The longer you wait, the worse it’s going to be. You have to be careful with each other’s feelings.”
“You said that about the whole Ray thing. But I’m the sub here. Shouldn’t she be the one who has to worry about hurting me?”
I could hear Meghan suck in a calming breath. “Sometimes I forget how many gaps there are in your kinky education. Phoenix, honey, no. You’re both playing with power here. You’re choosing to be submissive, but she’s vulnerable too. Everything’s heightened when you’re taking on these roles, including the emotions. She has to be a good partner, and so do you. Don’t keep secrets here. Don’t avoid your feelings.”
“But that’s not the kind of relationship we have. We don’t have long talks. We do what we do, and then we go to our own bedrooms and close the door.”
“Please trust me on this. Give her the information. It’s the right thing to do.”
“Okay. It’s just hard.”
“I know, but I think what happens when you bottle things up is a lot harder.”
She definitely had a point. When we finished talking, I tried to call Kris. She didn’t answer. Right after we’d finished playing for the afternoon, she’d gone to check on things at work, and then maybe see friends later. I was afraid I’d lose my nerve again before I saw her. I even thought about going over to her office, but that was crossing the line.
When Kris came home for dinner, she greeted me with, “I hear you’re planning a date with Ray.” Her tone was completely neutral, unreadable. Shit.
“We were going to get coffee, but it never happened. I should have told you first.” I gulped.
“Yes, you should have told me,” she said with an edge to her voice.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I thought, you know, it was just coffee, and we aren’t exclusive…”
She sat on the couch. “I know you aren’t used to this, but, Phoenix, that hurt. This isn’t ‘don’t ask, don’t tell.’ If you’re going out with someone we both know—which is a pretty small circle of people—you should mention it.”
“It wasn’t ‘going out.’ It was just coffee.” I sounded whiny, I thought. I sat next to her.
“All the more reason to tell me. If it’s not a big deal, why keep it a secret? We just talked about how I want you to tell me things. I wouldn’t have been upset if you’d said you and Ray were going to get coffee. I think it’s good for you to know other submissives. That’s why I wanted you to go to a munch. And it’s fine if the submissive you want to talk to is Ray, but I am pissed that I heard about it from Eric, who thought I knew, and I didn’t hear it from you.” She stared at me. I had to look away.
“I should have told you. I’m sorry. One of the reasons I thought it was okay not to is because we’re sort of ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ about everything with each other. I’m going to work on talking to you more, but you and I sometimes barely say five words to each other outside the bedroom. I’ve liked the time I’ve spent with you and I wish there was more of that. It’s weird going from a roommate who was my best friend to a roommate I see naked but never have a meal with. I’m adjusting.” I realized as I said it that I needed to do something else too. I needed a long chat with John about all the things I hadn’t been saying. I needed to stop keeping everything to myself.
“You hurt my feelings.”
“I won’t do it again.” I offered her my hand and she shook her head. “Ray and I never even rescheduled. I don’t care about seeing them.”
“That’s not why I’m upset. It’s the secret, Phe. Especially after you said you were going to talk to me when you’re ready, and you still haven’t.”
I bit my lip. “I think I’m ready now. But I’m scared you won’t like what I have to say.”
“I will absolutely like it more than you keeping secrets.”
I looked away and began, “I don’t want us to date other people, or sleep with or play with other people unless we’re together. I don’t know the rules for balancing this and anyone else, and I don’t feel like I have the energy to learn them right now. It’s taken me this long to learn our rules. And honestly, I don’t really want to be with anyone else.”
Her eyes were shining with tears. “Really?”
“I don’t want to hurt you, but I did, and I’m sorry. I’d rather just be with you. But maybe it’s something you need.” I picked off the last of my nail polish from my thumbs.
/> “I haven’t been seeing anybody else. I actually prefer just one partner at a time. I’d thought, you know, I couldn’t be there for you emotionally, and you might need someone who could.”
“It’s stressing me out. Let’s not.”
“Okay.”
We sat there silently for a beat. Kris broke the silence with a laugh. “I haven’t been in a monogamous relationship in so long. I did not see that coming.”
“This isn’t exactly your typical monogamous relationship.” I smiled at her.
“Who’s to say? People have all sorts of relationships.”
“Because we don’t spend time together outside of that,” I waved toward the door to the lavender room. “Not consistently. I don’t know when to tell you things.” In my head, I geared up to tell her my other big news. It seemed like this might be my chance.
“You agreed to this. This was what we talked about. I always said what my limitations were.”
“I’m not talking about lovey-dovey and cuddling and being my date. I’m talking about figuring out time regularly to have non-scene conversations with a person I live with. Honestly, I’m amazed it didn’t come up sooner. We live in this house together, and I never know when we’re going to both be here outside of playing together. I’m not going to tell you I’m getting coffee with Ray five minutes before you and I are supposed to go in the bedroom. I’m not in the right headspace to tell you immediately after. We have this, I clean and cook, and that’s it. There’s not time where we’re just roommates catching up. We like spending time together, right? So why don’t we set aside any time for our friendship?”
She slapped herself on the forehead. “You’re right. I can’t believe it. We didn’t build in any way to take care of practical things or have straight talk. We aren’t in an all day, every day total power exchange agreement, but all the time we’ve set aside, it’s in the context of me dominating you. We should have time we can check in outside of that dynamic.”
“Regular time. Every week at least,” I said.
“Of course. I feel terrible for not thinking of this before.”
Certain Requirements Page 17