“Even if he lasts until your eighteenth birthday, there’s no guarantee his soul will be intact.” Jude glanced at Jupiter again but there was still no reaction from the old man. When Jude turned back to me, his gray eyes were subdued. “The thing is, he’s stronger than you right now. But when you turn eighteen, that won’t be an issue anymore. You’ll be stronger, more powerful than any one of us. We have to make sure you reach eighteen though. If Seth gets in the way…”
“He won’t,” I quickly assured him when I saw where his reasoning was taking us. “Sometimes he’s confused, but he’s always stopped himself from killing me. He won’t do it. He just threatens to.”
“Stella-”
“No! Stop. You think you know him, but you don’t. He won’t really hurt me. He lost his soul to protect me. Even now he knows that.”
Jude shook his head. “He hurts you all the time. And it’s you who doesn’t know him anymore. I spend time with him almost daily. I see the extent of his depravity.”
I opened my mouth to argue more, but Jupiter cut me off. “Stella, Seth is gone. And even if he doesn’t ever kill you. Even if you reach your eighteenth birthday and he regains his soul, we don’t know what he’ll turn into, what kind of evil thing he’ll become. It’s time you, we, let him go. He’s beyond our help.”
More than anything else today, this gave me the most issue. Jupiter could not give up on Seth. He was supposed to be the person I could count on the most. He raised Seth. He trained him from when he was a child. If anyone could believe that Seth could come back from the Dark side, it was supposed to be Jupiter.
“It’s not just his skill or power, it’s him. Don’t you guys understand that? I need Seth. I can’t do this alone.”
“You’re not alone,” Jude quickly assured me. “You have us. You have Serena and Nate and your parents. You’re anything but alone.”
“You’re missing the point.” I crossed my arms and sunk against my headboard.
Jude reached out and put a hand on my knee. The quilt covered my legs, but I still felt the super-heated warmth of his skin all the way through. “I know you think you’re alone in this; you think that the rest of us can’t understand, but I do. You don’t know how much I understand. And that’s why I know it’s time for you to start letting him go. He almost killed you last night. He won’t stop until you’re dead. It’s him or you at this point, and you cannot let him beat you. We need you, Stella. Humanity needs you.”
“You want me to kill him.”
“I want you to make sure he doesn’t kill you.”
“By killing him,” I bit out. I wanted him to say the words. I wanted him to admit them out loud.
Jude’s expression darkened and his eyes became thunderstorms of warning. Up until now I’d believed he was completely Fallen. I’d believed his Darkness had swallowed the Light in him years ago. And now that I knew he was a spy, working undercover and living a life of dual identity, I saw him more clearly.
He embodied both. He was exactly what he needed to be when he needed to be it. With Aliah, he was Fallen and evil. With his Brotherhood, he was the Archangel he was born to be.
Of course, it would take someone perfectly capable of slipping fully into either roll to pull it off, but I wondered if the Fallen parts of him weren’t more powerful than he wanted to believe. How could you hold onto that kind of evil and not be affected by it? How could you let the Darkness in so that it covered you completely and yet turn it off when you didn’t need it anymore?
Right now, Jude looked the incarnation of evil that he usually did, only infinitely more dangerous. Before he had been playfully Fallen. Now, he truly was.
The hand on my knee now gripped with a painfully tight grasp. “I have worked my entire life to ensure your future, Starling. I have given up my soul. I’ve betrayed my family and the Upper Realm endless times. And all so that you could live, so that you would carry out the destiny you were born to fulfill. I know you think me heartless to suggest that Seth is beyond redemption, but I am not concerned with anyone’s life but yours. You are the only thing that can save us. And so you will be the only thing I invest my time in. You want to feel bad for Seth, go ahead; but it will not change the outcome of what needs to be done.” Jude stood up and moved to the door. “This isn’t about your fragile feelings, Stella. This is about the fate of the world, of humanity and our realms. If you’re selfish enough to put Seth before all those things, you aren’t the Star I thought you were.”
I tilted my chin defiantly and stared Jude down. His accusations ran around my head in aggressive circles. Was he right? Was caring for Seth selfish in light of everything else? Was I putting the entire future of Earth at risk by holding on to someone who wasn’t there anymore?
“Think about that,” Jude ordered. “Think about what you sacrifice by putting yourself and your own feelings first. And think about Seth. Is it even worth all this? What will be left of him in another year? In six months? In just a week? He’s gone, Stella. You just haven’t accepted it.”
My chin wobbled and I fought the hot tears that threatened to spill. I didn’t accept that Seth was gone. I couldn’t. I wondered if I’d ever be able to give up the idea of his redemption. Or if I would watch him burn my world to the ground while still convincing myself that he was capable of something great.
“Just think about it.” Jude’s tone was softer, more controlled.
I nodded. I would think about it, because I was likely not to think about anything else. How could I?
I’d woken up to way too much. I wanted to go back to bed.
“I’ll be back in a couple days,” Jude said. “I wouldn’t, um, leave your property until then.”
“Wait, what?”
“Or at the very least, have someone scout the area first.”
“What about school?” I demanded. “What about Tristan and Piper?”
Jude shot me a sheepish grin. “Well, it’s Saturday. Hang out here for now. Do one of those slumber party things. Braid each other’s hair. Paint nails. Have a pillow fight. Just don’t leave and don’t try to talk to Seth. He’s beyond reason. And I’m starting to think you are too.”
“Careful, Archangel,” I snarled at him. “I don’t like your tone.”
A daring smile kicked up the corner of Jude’s mouth. “I’m always careful.”
Then he disappeared out my door. Jupiter and I stayed silent while we listened to his footsteps down the stairs and waited for the front door to slam shut behind him.
Jupiter had walked over to the window now and stared out it with narrowed eyes. A flash of Light burst by my window. Apparently Jude had decided to fly here.
“Do you trust him?” I asked Jupiter once I was sure Jude was gone.
Jupiter turned around and leaned back against my windowsill. He crossed his arms and stared down at his feet. “As much as I ever did.”
“You think that he’s still only interested in his own life? That he’s motivated by the contract?”
Jupiter shook his head and finally looked up at me. His dull red eyes burned with an otherworldly light. “Before I knew about the Brotherhood, I believed he had an agenda. Whether to save his own life or something more, I didn’t know. Now I know the truth, or the truth that he’s given us and I still see him motivated by something he’s keeping secret. I believe the Brotherhood truly does want you to live and carry out your obligation. However, from what I discovered about them, they are the kind of group where the means justifies the end. If for whatever reason, in the future you aren’t who they thought you would be, they won’t hesitate to cut you down and replace you. I don’t think Jude is any different. He’s certainly not better. And with the amount of Darkness clouding his soul to maintain his identity, I would put money that he’s much worse.”
“Piper thinks he’s in love with me,” I admitted in a soft voice. I almost couldn’t bring myself to say that ridiculous phrase out loud.
Jupiter snorted. “The only thing that boy is in love wi
th is himself. But there is something motivating him. I think we need to figure that out before we decide anything else.”
“And Seth?” I held my breath as I waited for his answer.
“I trust your judgment, Starling,” he answered carefully. “But don’t let your hope for him cloud your perception of him. He’s not a good person anymore. He might never be a good person again. If you get a chance, kill him. That would be my advice.”
“How can you say that? You practically raised him!”
“The Fallen that you call Seth is not the boy that I raised.” He stood up and walked straight from the room. I watched him go without another word. I had nothing to say to that.
He was right.
And up until now, I’d absolutely let my belief in who he used to be blur my vision of who he truly was. Could I separate the man I loved from the man that tried to kill me every time he saw me? And if I did, could I kill him?
I hoped so. I hoped I could. Because if he got the chance to kill me again, I knew there would be no more negotiating or reasoning with him.
Seth and I were officially enemies.
Chapter Fifteen
I skipped school on Monday and Tuesday. My parents still weren’t home and I was starting to worry about them. Tristan and Piper had stayed over until Sunday night, but by then Jupiter had come over to tell them it was safe to go home.
I hadn’t been convinced, but Nate and Serena had called for some backup. Both of my best friends were being carefully watched. Neither one of them were exactly happy about it, but I didn’t care. They were the only people, other than my parents, that I really cared about. As long as they were safe I could function, I could carry out my duties and stop myself from freaking out.
If Seth were to get to them again… I didn’t know what I would do, but I had a feeling there would be no hesitation involved.
By Wednesday morning, I decided I’d better go to school. My parents weren’t here to call in for me and Jupiter could care less if the school sent the State to look for me. He didn’t understand why I was in school in the first place.
I dressed myself in my entire combat boot, black trench-coat glory and piled my blonde hair on top of my head. I looked like a Fallen wannabe, but I couldn’t help it. I had to always be dressed for work these days. I had numerous blades in my backpack, and stuffed my pockets with knives. If I lived anywhere but small-town Mead, I’d never make it through the school’s metal detectors. Luckily, Mead was so tiny that nobody saw those precautions as a necessity.
However, if they knew what kind of steel I packed next to my school books these days, they might change their mind.
I looked like a CNN headline in the making.
I drove my Malibu into town without incident. I expected Seth to drop down at any moment and attack me, but the skies stayed silent. Maybe he was a late sleeper these days. Probably ransacking villages and burning them to the ground was night work.
Piper waited for me at my locker as usual. She didn’t look exactly happy to see me, but she didn’t run screaming the other direction either, so I took her presence as a good sign.
I smiled at her and went to work on my locker combination.
“I was wondering when Goth Barbie would grace us with her presence again,” Piper snarked from my left.
I gave her a sideways glance. “Now you understand my fashion choices?”
She sighed. “I guess it’s better than the drug habit I’d imagined.”
“Seriously?” I gave her my full attention. She thought I had been on drugs?
“You’re suddenly super unreliable. You dress in all black and carry knives. Yes, I snooped in your backpack and I would expect you to do the same to me, so you can’t be mad. And you started disappearing for entire weekends. What was I supposed to think, Stel? I thought you’d started cooking meth or something. I’m super relieved to know your problem is a little less addictive.”
I snorted. “Maybe less addictive, but no less demanding.”
“I know.” Her voice was sad and small.
I pulled the necessary books from the shelf and shut my locker. I turned and leaned my shoulder against the cold metal so I could give Piper my full attention.
“I really am sorry I kept it from you for so long.”
“Was it because you didn’t trust me?” She wouldn’t look me in the eye and it nearly killed me. I hated that my secret made her feel insecure. That was never my intention. When she asked, “Was it because you didn’t think I would believe you?” I nearly shed tears.
“Pi, it had nothing to do with you, I swear. It was all about me. I was selfish with you and our friendship.”
“What do you mean?”
I shrugged, embarrassed now that I knew the true weight of my responsibility. “I wasn’t always willing to accept my future job. I didn’t want to… I didn’t want to give up the life I’d built. You. Tristan. School and everything else. I wanted to pretend I belonged in your human world and stay there. Obviously that wasn’t possible, but I didn’t want to believe the truth for a long time. And keeping this life from you made me feel really human. You were like this escape from my future and obligations. When I was with you and you didn’t know anything about who I was or what I was supposed to be doing, I could pretend it didn’t exist.”
Her expression softened. “Does it really scare you that much? Because if I’m honest, I’m really, truly, totally freaked out.”
I laughed. “Thank God! If you weren’t freaked out, I was going to have you committed!”
She smiled at me even while her eyes stayed serious. “Stel, seriously. Do you still feel that way? Are you still nervous for your… job?”
I nodded slowly. “Of course. There’s a lot riding on my ability to save this planet. I can’t even think about what happens if I fail.” The Realms of Heaven fall. There’s a second Rebellion. The Darkness takes over completely and wipes out the last living planet. Humanity dies. The Universe falls into a stagnant black hole of nothing. The Fallen rule everything.
“Yeah, that would give me a heart attack. Daily,” Piper giggled. “I get why you kept everything a secret now. It makes total sense.”
“You’re not mad at me?”
“I’m definitely still mad! But only for a couple more days. I’ll get over it because Seth will probably try to kill me again and I’ll need to use our friendship to not die.”
I snorted. “He’s not going to touch you again. I hired backup for you. I’m going to stay with you as much as I can. You’re safe, Pi. You’ll always be safe. At least from the Darkness.”
“You’re so kick ass,” she grinned at me. “Like, it’s seriously hot.”
“Any time you want to borrow the shoes, you just let me know.”
“Done. You know they would look amazing with my jean mini, right? Or, ooh! That flowery spaghetti strap romper I have! Oh, my gosh, with my blue maxi. A little industrial meets preppy! I am all over this!”
I grinned from ear to ear. All was well with Piper and something in my hollow soul felt warmer than it had in a long time. “Okay, so instead of borrowing mine, we just need to get you your own. We can start a trend. Combat boots for everyday life.”
She put her arm around me as we walked into homeroom and lay her head on my shoulder. “I love you, you glowing alien freak.”
“I love you, too, you adorable little human.”
My life, at least this part of it, shifted back to normal and it felt amazing. The rest of the day went by as boring and predictable as it ever had. Lunch was shared around a table with Tristan, Lincoln, Rigley, Piper and Bree. I fell asleep in my seventh-hour class and while I was asleep Rigley braided the loose strands of my hair.
How that boy knew how to braid was a mystery I didn’t think I ever wanted to figure out.
After school Piper and I had volleyball practice. It was our last one before our first game of the season tomorrow night. I knew it would be an easy few hours because Coach wanted to save our strength fo
r tomorrow, but I still dreaded facing her after I’d skipped the last two days and been completely useless last Friday.
Just as I suspected, she called me into her office as soon as I walked into the locker room.
Coach Merritt was Rigley’s mom and it was obvious. They had the same burnt reddish-brownish hair and a smattering of light freckles across the bridge of their noses. She had a wide jaw that Rigley inherited and the same intensity in the light in their eyes. She was also a freaking battle ax and scared the living daylights out of me.
“Where have you been, Day?” she asked without any preamble. “I gave you a free pass on Friday, but that wasn’t an invitation to take the whole week off.”
“Sorry, Coach. I’ve been sick.”
“Bologna,” she snapped back. “You look just fine. Are you on the drugs?”
“Uh, er, no.”
“That didn’t sound nearly confident enough, Stella. I will order screenings if I have to. Now tell me the truth, are you on drugs?”
“I’m not,” I rushed to assure her, “and I didn’t mean to hesitate before. I was just surprised. You’re the second person that’s asked me that today.”
“Well, if it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck.”
“It’s not drugs. I’ve had a lot going on. I’m having, some, um, family problems.”
“Sexual abuse?” she guessed.
I just stopped a surprised laugh. “Geez! Coach! You can’t just ask someone these questions. You have to go in with a little more finesse!”
Her lips twitched but she held back the smile. “I’m sorry, you’re right. Stella, are you being sexually abused at home? Is that why you haven’t been showing up to my practices?”
I glanced over my shoulder self-consciously before adamantly denying her accusation. “No! I’m not!” She lifted an eyebrow like she expected my answer and was now waiting for the truth. She wasn’t messing around anymore either. She had officially lost her patience. I let out a frustrated sigh. “Fine, Coach. It’s boy problems. This is about a boy.” Not exactly a lie…
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