by Desirée
Oh, Lord. Hearing the cars zoom by fast had my nerves on an all-time high as he got in the passenger’s seat, putting the blanket over him, leaning the seat back even farther. “Shiloh, what if I—”
“Just drive, baby,” he said calmly, opening the glove compartment to pull out a small bag of weed.
I checked to make sure signal lights were working, then cut the lights on and off before finally merging back onto the highway, driving like a slow grandma. The gas pedal was so strong. I blinked and it jerked forward.
“Where are we going?” I asked, watching him light up his joint.
“Wherever you want to go, baby,” he said, smoke pouring out of his mouth.
I smiled, hearing the radio softly play throughout the car. I looked over at him, seeing he was looking at me, watching me drive.
“What, Shiloh?” I smiled softly, seeing him return the smile, eyes heavy.
“You still fucking with a nigga,” he said in a low voice.
I just nodded. I had no other response, because I didn’t halfway understand why I would even entertain someone as dangerous as him.
“Even after what you saw, and knowing how I am, you still down for me.”
“I guess so.” I shrugged, looking in the rearview mirror. “I like you. You might be a little scary at times, but . . . you’re no different from the rest of us. You have feelings like everyone else. You just hide it better.”
“Yeah,” he agreed in a low voice, taking a pull on his joint. “You out of my league, Noe. I never dealt with a girl like you before. Make a nigga nervous being around you.”
“Me? Make you nervous?” I laughed, glancing at him, seeing he was serious. I could feel the cold air hit hard as he rolled the window down. “How is that even possible?”
“I don’t know, but I want to be honest as fuck with you about everything,” he said, turning the radio down a little bit as I began to cruise comfortably on the two-lane highway. “Ask me anything, and I’ll tell you.”
I looked at him as he leaned back in his seat, comfortable, joint already finished as he tossed it out the window, blowing a thick white cloud of smoke out his nose before rolling the window back up.
“Why did you get locked up?” I asked suddenly, lining up the list of questions I had for him in my head.
“Gang-related activity. Weapons charge, assault, domestic violence bullshit,” he said, voice getting hard.
“What do you mean, domestic violence?” I pressed, glancing at him.
“My mama called the cops on me when I tried protecting her from my pops,” he spat hatefully. “Fuck that bitch. Haven’t spoken to her since. Never will I speak to her again. Don’t ever ask me about her or my dad again.”
I nodded, hearing that it was a definite sore spot for him.
“Do you have any kids?”
“None that I know of,” he said, shrugging as he rubbed his chin smoothly.
“Do you want any?”
“Two girls, one boy,” he said, and I smiled. I wanted two boys and one girl.
“Have you ever been in love before?” I asked.
He became completely still, body stiff as the emotions went across his face. His eyes were searching, like he was remembering something, before his face became blank.
“One time.”
Another sore spot. I wondered who the girl was that caught the hard heart of Shiloh, and how she did it.
“Have you ever . . . killed someone? Or shot somebody?” I asked hesitantly.
He just looked at me as we locked eyes. His red, low-lit eyes stared expressionlessly back at me. I took a deep swallow, knowing that was a yes. He didn’t have to answer it, and I didn’t think he was going to ever answer it. The look in his eyes that day said he didn’t value human life once he was crossed.
I looked at the road, thinking about my next question.
“Have you ever hit a girl?”
“No.”
“Have you ever cheated while in a relationship?”
“Never been in a real relationship before,” he stated.
I glanced at him. So, who was the girl he was in love with before?
“I’m your first girlfriend at twenty-eight, Shiloh?” I teased.
“I don’t commit myself to someone or something unless it’s worth my time.”
I smiled, glancing over at him again before looking back at the road, getting off the main highway. The streets were so empty, so peaceful and quiet. There was nothing out there for miles, except fields of whatever was being grown.
“Can I ask my questions now?”
“Oh? You have questions you want to ask me? I’m not as crazy as you are.” I laughed before shrugging cutely. “Ask anyway.”
He fell silent as I pulled up to a gas station with only two pumps working. It was barely lit, as the lights flickered, and the small store looked full of inventory with nobody inside. He leaned in close as his eyes fell to my body slowly, lip tucked in as his attention went to my thighs. He tapped gently on my right thigh, tugging at his lower lip as he looked up at me again.
Oh, shit . . .
“When you gon’ let a nigga have you?” he asked in a low voice.
I felt my mouth go dry as I looked at him. Looking down at his hand still tapping my thigh, I could feel my body respond strongly, just from that basic touch.
“I . . . I don’t know, Shiloh,” I fumbled, looking at his mouth.
He stared at me before slowly leaning in and kissing me gently on the lips. My hands gripped the steering wheel hard as he moved his head to push deeper against my mouth, tongues naturally playing. Right when his hand was about to slide in between, there was a hard knock on the window, causing me to jump with a shriek. We both looked up to see this short white man standing there with a bat in his hand.
“You here getting gas or playing around?” he spat, pushing his glasses up as he stared at us through the window, bent down so he was eye level. There was no way he could see us through the tinted window, but we certainly saw him.
I looked at Shiloh, who was still leaned in close to me.
“You still homesick, shawty?” he asked.
I rolled my eyes, watching him throw on his coat before hopping out, gun tucked behind him. He towered over the man, and the white guy backed up a little, looking up at Shiloh, who was barely five foot ten.
“Is there a problem?” Shiloh asked blatantly at the man, who shook his head.
“I get a lot of whack jobs coming by here messing up my store, stealing my shit, so I’m always careful about who comes by here in the middle of the morning,” the man said, trying to explain himself. “How much you want on gas?”
Soon as we left the gas station, we decided to find the nearest hotel and rest there for the night, not wanting to drive back to Atlanta until we woke up. Unfortunately, it was a ratty motel with the neon flashing one letter, the O. Not seeing anything for miles, phones barely charged, we decided to just rest there for the night.
He got the room key, and the moment we stepped inside, I nearly fainted. The red carpet was stained with thick dirt and mold. Walls were a funky floral print wallpaper, matching the small bed. An old TV sat on the dresser, and the nightstand lamp had a red lightbulb. Shiloh wasted no time going to the bathroom to pee like he was home, but I could barely allow myself to sit on the bed without being disgusted. There was a small mirror up against the wall where the bathroom sink was, just outside the bathroom door, and an ironing board up against the wall. You could hear the sounds of people next door to us laughing, or maybe it was their TV. Either way, I didn’t know how I was going to get any sleep that night.
“Aye,” Shiloh said as he walked out of the bathroom, completely shirtless and pantless. His hand was in his boxer briefs as I looked his body over. Tattoos were perfectly placed against his light complexion. “You hungry or nah?”
“Not really. I just want to get some sleep and leave this place,” I said, looking around before standing up. “How does the bathroom look?
”
“It’s straight, Noe.” He smiled with a shake of his head. “Quit being a baby. This shit could be worse.”
“I don’t live in filth, Shiloh. Sorry, but I don’t,” I retorted as I walked past him to get to the bathroom.
It was the quickest shower I ever took in my life. I ended up washing my panties since there was no clean pair for me to change into. Because I didn’t want my feet touching the carpet, I kept my heels on until I got to the bed, wearing my dress, body soaking through the thin material. Shiloh was sitting on the edge of the bed with his back toward me, talking on his phone as I grabbed his shirt to put on instead. Fuck it. With no bra, wet panties hanging to dry, and no socks or regular shoes in this dirty-ass motel room, I was irritated, but I wasn’t going to let it show.
“Yeah, a’ight bet, bruh,” he said, hanging up.
He looked back at me and stared, eyes wide.
“I know what it looks like,” I mumbled with a roll of my eyes. I didn’t use the towels to dry my body off, and once I put on his white shirt, my body pretty much seeped through that too. He could see an outline of dark skin pressing against the white material, my nipples staying on hard. “I don’t want to touch their towels.”
“So, you put my shirt on instead?” he questioned as I smiled.
“You sleep naked anyway.”
“Mannn.” He sighed, dragging a hand over his face slowly with a frustrated groan. “You don’t know how bad I want you right now. I don’t know how the fuck I’m going to get some sleep with you looking like that.”
“We can put pillows between us,” I suggested with a laugh as he shook his head.
He got up and cut the main light off, keeping on the red light from the lamp as he lay down next to me.
“Yo, you want some music to sleep to?” he asked, glancing at me. “Drown out the sounds of people next door and shit?”
I nodded, and he grabbed his phone off the nightstand, putting it on Pandora. The moment I heard “Bump & Grind,” I immediately hit him hard in the arm.
“What I do?” He laughed.
“You’re trying to set the mood, Shiloh.”
“Baby, if you not ready for sex, you not ready. You see me trying you?” he pressed. “I haven’t even touched you, and I don’t plan on it.”
“Yeah, right,” I mumbled, suddenly wanting him to try to touch me. Funny how that works. I inched closer to him, resting my head against his shoulder. R. Kelly was singing the hell out of this song. When he didn’t react to my physical advances toward his body, I sighed.
“Shiloh?” I asked, looking up at him, red light bouncing low off of us as he looked at me. “I’m ready.”
He slowly closed his eyes, licking his lips, almost like he had been anticipating something happening. “Ready for what, Noe?”
“You.” He stayed quiet. “To have me.” It became so quiet that even R. Kelly almost sounded like he toned it down a little bit.
He got up from the bed and disappeared around the small corner before appearing back at the edge of the bed. I lay flat on my back as he grabbed my ankles to gently pull me closer to him. My heart was beating so fast I didn’t know what to expect. I’d never had any type of sexual experience, not even oral. I was so nervous I could barely hold it in.
“I’m not going to know what to do,” I spat out quickly as he leaned down on the bed, slipping the shirt over my head, exposing my naked frame. “I don’t know how to—”
“Chill, Noe,” he mumbled, eyes roaming hard.
My heart . . . I could barely breathe. There was no way in hell I was ready for this. I wasn’t ready.
When his eyes landed on my face, we just stared at each other before he dropped his head with a big sigh. “You not ready for me. I can tell.”
“I just imagined me getting married before doing this,” I argued with a small whine, hearing him sigh once again.
The music played softly in the background as he leaned down, delicately kissing my breasts before laying down beside me, tossing the condom wrapper on the floor as he closed his eyes. I hated that I did this to him. I knew there were girls that were probably throwing themselves at him every chance they got, while he was stuck waiting on me.
“Shiloh, if you want to have sex, I won’t care if you sleep with someone else. I know men have—”
He turned around to look at me with his brows furrowed deep in confusion. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean, Noelle?” he snapped as my mouth dropped.
“I just don’t like feeling like you have to wai—”
“So, you want me to fuck other bitches? While I’m with you?”
I said nothing. He just rolled his eyes, cutting the music and lamp off before turning over in the bed with his back facing me.
“Shiloh?” I called out softly, realizing how that must have sounded. I really didn’t know what else to say. “Shi—”
“Don’t talk, shawty. Sit there and think about that stupid-ass shit you just said to me,” he retorted angrily. “I told you I would wait on you. I don’t have a fucking issue waiting on you to be ready, because if I think it’s worth my time, then I’ll commit to that shit. Didn’t I say that?”
I said nothing. Just lay there in silence.
“Fuck outta here with that ‘sleep with another bitch’ bullshit,” he mumbled. “Don’t ever try me like that again. In yo’ life.”
That entire night, I didn’t sleep one bit. You know how you close your eyes, but your mind is so wide awake with thoughts that it’s impossible to sleep? Mentally, you’re up and about. I thought about everything that had happened between us; how through it all, I was still with him, even though I had the chance to back away. I was curious to see where Shiloh and I would end up. It hadn’t been that long, but I knew God put him in my life for a reason, and my daddy always told me I would know it when I found the right man for me.
So, the next time we woke up, he was obviously still upset. He refused to speak to me while we got ready, so when we got back in the car, stopping at a local corner store to grab something to eat, he stood outside his car on the phone, talking business while I stepped in the store, wearing some of his sweats that he had in the trunk of his car, along with a hoodie. I was looking like a pure stud, with my ponytail bouncing with every step, clothes literally draped on me. When I walked back out, he was leaning against the car with his jeans and shoes on, thermal shirt, and thick Nike hoodie. Neither one of us dressed to impress, because this was a random road trip we took. So, with the small black bag in hand, I stepped toward him, making sure I stood directly in front of him as he glanced down at me.
“Nah, I’ll probably be back tomorrow,” he said, looking me over. “Yeah, tell them mothafuckas to hold off on that shit. Tell Tana to stand down.”
“Shiloh?” I pressed. He ignored me, hand placed on my side to move me out the way, but I wasn’t going anywhere.
“Yeah, we can do that. Move all of it out of Atlanta by tonight. I don’t want to see no trace of it,” he continued with me stepping closer.
“Shiloh?”
“Hold up, bruh,” he said before staring hard at me. “Noelle, what the fuck you want?” I ignored the attitude and smiled sweetly, overlooking the fact that he was still irritated with me.
“I just wanted to say I apologize for what I said last night. I want to thank you for not pressuring me into sex,” I continued, reaching up to kiss his cheek gently. “And that I am in love with you. That’s all,” I said before quickly turning to walk to the other side of the car, leaving him speechless.
Tia
“What!” I flipped at my roommate as I stood outside her room door, arms crossed, watching her put on her shoes. “You want me to do what, Jade?”
“We are going to Jordyn’s house to apologize,” she said.
I just stared at my roommate, who looked at herself in the mirror, checking her face. She had finally changed her hair color back to natural black, letting that blond shit go, because it did nothing for her compl
exion. Her thick locs, barely hitting her shoulders, were a natural dark brown, complementing her skin tone and somehow making her pretty. Shit, maybe she’d gotten her eyebrows done. I don’t know, but there was definitely something different about her. With cute silver beads on some of the locs, she grabbed her room keys and walked out with her coat in hand, expecting me to follow.
“I’m sorry, but I don’t want to have to apologize to the girl’s face,” I retorted as Jade looked back at me, slipping on her white coat with a flip of her dreads. “I’m not going.”
“Fine, but I’m apologizing, because turns out, Trent is a fuck-ass nigga after all, and we fucked with Jordyn for no reason. You were jealous because she got Elijah, and I thought I was defending my man.” She shrugged. “We all dating brothers at the end of the day, and you’re going to eventually run into her one of these days. If Elijah finds out it was you that fucked with her, do you honestly think Jahiem is going to fuck with you afterwards? Or the fact that you slept with Trent the night before Jahiem, and the only person who knows that outside of me is Jordyn?” she stated as I dropped my head in shame.
Shit. Even I couldn’t deny the fact that Jordyn was the key to the Carters. Of all the girls I couldn’t stand, Jordyn was the one bitch I needed on my side more than ever now. She could make or break me at this point. She was in good with the brothers, who treated her like their own sister. At least that was how Jahiem put it.
“Let me get dressed,” I mumbled, walking back to my room to throw on some cute skinny sweats and a matching hoodie. My ass was poking out as I put on some makeup. My hair was wrapped up neatly in the fresh weave I’d sewed in the night before, and my nails had a fresh coat of polish. I was supposed to be spending the night with Jahiem, but he and his brothers were shooting a music video over on the south side. Saturday in Atlanta, everyone was out at some event, despite it being cold as fuck. People were out doing something, getting it in before Thanksgiving hit. Walking out of the room, I followed Jade out of the apartment as we walked in silence.
“You think she’s going to forgive me?” I asked, and Jade shrugged.