"What do you mean?!" Austen said loudly, flailing his arms. "I've been even more of myself without those things making me dull and feel nothing! I felt nothing with them, I was numb, I wasn't creative, I couldn't think! I felt fucking dead, Elias, I won't go through that again!"
"Austen, you're acting impulsively!" Elias pointed out.
Sam was still on the phone.
"No, I'm not!" Austen screamed back at him, standing up from the bed and stomping his foot on the ground.
Sam had contacted Austen's psychiatrist.
"How much have you slept in the past couple of weeks, Austen? Almost nothing at all and you haven't crashed at all from the lack of sleep. You've been constantly energetic, you've been throwing all of your money on gifts and dates for Sam, you've been in such an elevated mood! Austen, I'm not dumb!" Elias said angrily. "I know the signs, Aus, you're having a manic episode."
"Oh! I'm having a manic episode because I'm feeling emotions for once?" Austen snapped back. "Oh, shit, Austen's happy, he's having a manic episode!! Oh, is Austen mad? So what if Sam probably fucked Chloe behind his back and betrayed him like he promised he wouldn't! Austen's just being manic again!!"
"You and I both know it's not like that," Elias said firmly.
"I didn't do anything with Chloe," Sam spoke up. Austen had forgotten that Sam was still on the phone call and that he'd never hung up. "We’re not even dating, Austen."
"Then what were all those tweets on her profile about? You even retweeted her tweet talking about how fucking sweet her boyfriend is. And she likes you. You're her boyfriend," Austen explained angrily through gritted teeth. "That’s why we’re not dating, right? Right?! Because I’m not her!"
"Austen, she's not my soulmate," Sam said, shifting in his bed as he sent a text to Elias, letting him know that he had contacted someone and that someone would be showing up soon to take Austen to the hospital for him to be stabilized.
"Yeah, well, it's not like you know that I'm yours," Austen hissed.
"You're right, I don't," Sam said. "But I know that I love you."
"Yeah, how do you know it's love?" Austen scoffed. "We’re not even dating and you’re, you, y-you could mean love in so many different ways, Sam, and y-you're off being sneaky and Chloe's flaunting and subtweeting every-fucking-thing."
"Look, I can't control what Chloe says," Sam said angrily. "I can't just force her to stop tweeting those things."
"There's a reason she's tweeting those things and it's because she fucking wants you and you're just feeding the problem, so fuck you!" Austen shouted, stomping on the ground once more.
There was a knock on the door, though Austen didn't hear it, as he was entirely focused on his vexation at Sam and Chloe. Elias had answered the door and in what seemed to be almost slow motion for Austen, he was taken into an ambulance, with Elias by his kicking-and-screaming side.
IF I COULD FIND MY SOMETHING TO BURN OUT THESE FEELINGS
JUNE 28TH
Austen had been released from the hospital a few days prior and he was being watched by Elias like a hawk. Elias had set a timer in both his and Austen's phones for when it was time for him to take his medication so that way Elias would make sure he was taking them and not flushing the pills like the twenty-five-year-old had been doing before. He had also told Sam to set an alarm as well, in case Elias needed him to check on Austen, even though Austen didn't want anything to do with Sam at that moment. Elias and Sam had both agreed that Austen couldn't be left alone.
Austen sat in his dorm room along with Elias. Sam had sat outside the room, his back against the door. It was a common occurrence now, as Austen would refuse to let Sam come in even though Elias had consistently told him he needed to talk it out with Sam. Sam was upset about the situation but he was just glad that Austen was okay. Elias was annoyed that Austen was being stubborn but he was glad that Austen had calmed down and was slowly beginning to adjust back to his normal mood spectrum.
"You've got to talk to him sometime," Elias said, bringing Austen out of his thoughts. The boy looked over at the poodle and sighed.
"I'm still hurt," Austen said solemnly.
"You don't even know if he was with Chloe or not," Elias said. "It's probably just a big misunderstanding, I mean, you've overreacted to something like this so many times before."
"But it's different this time," Austen croaked, tears brimming in the corner of his blue-green eyes.
"Austen, you don’t know," Elias said, placing his hand on the natural blue's shoulder comfortingly. Austen opened his mouth to respond, but Elias quickly cut him off, knowing what he was going to say. "Her tweets probably mean nothing."
"Sam liked and retweeted some of them, though," Austen retorted, looking at Elias. Elias sighed and shook his head.
"Maybe you should take a break from social media. But you know what will fix this? Talking to him," he said again, hoping it'd get through to Austen that the only way he was going to be able to gain closure and cope with the situation was to just talk it out with Sam. "It's not going to do any harm, only good."
"You don't know that," Austen sniffled. "I could find out that he really did screw her and I mean, I guess in a way that'd be my fault, like with Za-"
"No, no no, no," Elias said quickly, looking at Austen sternly. "You are not bringing Zack up right now. What Zack did to you was not okay, he had absolutely no right to hurt you or abuse you in the ways that he did. That is in no way your fault, Austen. Sam is not Zack."
"I feel just as bad as I did back then," Austen murmured. Elias's eyes widened and he hung his mouth open.
"That's not something that you mean," Elias stated. Austen looked down at the ground, tears silently rolling down his cheeks, and he shrugged.
"You're right," Austen said quietly. "I don't mean that. Sam's not Zack. Zack's not Sam. Zack is gone. He's gone."
"Will you please talk to Sam?" Elias asked, practically begging for the natural blue to agree. "Please? For me?"
"Fine," Austen huffed. It had been long enough of him being stubborn, he supposed he could talk with Sam, even if he had only agreed because Elias had pleaded him to. Austen didn't feel ready to face his problems, but he knew that if he didn't now then he never would. Austen hated talking about his emotions, even if it was to someone who he was more comfortable with being open with. Even when Sam and he were still on good terms, he'd never tell Sam everything. He was scared to open up to Sam due to the voice in the back of his mind that was constantly nagging at him, telling him everything that could go wrong would go wrong, that Sam would be just another Zack, everyone was just another Zack, everybody was out to get him.
"Sam, you still outside?" Elias asked, tapping lightly on their door. Sam had shuffled around and stood up before responding with a quiet "yes."
Elias opened the door and moved aside, allowing Sam to stride by him and into the small square dorm (which looked smaller than it actually was due to Elias covering every inch of wall space on his side with posters of My Chemical Romance and Austen covering every inch of wall space on his side with polaroids of him and his friends and family). Sam's blue eyes met Austen's blue-green ones and instantly Sam was hit with a heavy heart. The guilt he felt was immense. He didn't even do anything wrong in his eyes. Yeah, Chloe had kissed him, and sure, he felt a pang in his chest, but it wasn't the same feeling he got when Austen held his hand or even looked at him with love and adoration filling his eyes. And he didn't kiss her back, that's got to count for something, no?
"How are you?" Sam asked timidly, not daring to step over any lines. He didn't even want to come close to one. He just wanted to make sure Austen was okay and that Austen would hear him out, let him explain what happened, and how he didn’t… Didn’t be like Zack. Even if Austen felt that he did. Because Austen was wrong, wasn't he? Sam didn't do anything wrong, he didn't kiss her back, he never said Chloe could kiss him, he never gave consent. He never agreed to a relationship with her, she never asked him out and vice versa. Sam didn't do
anything wrong. It’s not even like him and Austen were dating anyways! Austen shouldn’t feel so upset.
Austen felt more tears lining his eyes, daring to spill over and cause a mini-titanic moment by his pupils. He couldn't bear to look at Sam, but at the same time, he couldn't pull his eyes away. It was like he was a deer caught in the headlights of a car like he knew he was going to be hit, he was going to die, this was the end for him, but he couldn't look away. He knew it was coming and, god, did he want to look away and just push Sam away again and bury himself in his pillow and sob while Elias tried to calm him down. But there was no way Elias would let the natural blue do that. Not right now, not today. Elias was adamant that Austen talks to Sam, and dammit, Austen had finally agreed to it and he was not about to let the blue-headed boy back out. The time was now.
"Not good," Austen answered softly, pulling his gaze from the brunette to look down at the ground.
"I'm sorry," Sam said quietly. He felt so awful to see Austen like this, even if he didn't do anything wrong. Sam felt like the worst person in the world for disappointing Austen like this and he was so angry at Chloe for pulling a stunt like this. He knew that Chloe liked him, she had been (low-key) obsessed with him for months, but he didn't think she'd go to this extent to get Sam away from him.
"It felt like you ripped my heart out, Sam," Austen said and continued to stare at the floor. He was deep in thought, trying to find some kind of feeling to hold on to. He was upset, but he didn't feel upset. He knew he was mad, he knew he was sad, he wanted everything to just get rid of the numbness that was held inside of him and to just feel something again, but he knew he couldn't do that. "Like you just… took it, put it on the floor and stomped on it and… did that foot twisty-thing.
"I know," Sam said sadly. "I didn't- I didn't mean to make you feel like that."
"Well, you did," Austen said, moving his head into the shoulder the farthest away from Sam. Austen didn't mean to sound so passive-aggressive but he couldn't help the monotone in his voice. He wanted so badly to just cry and let it all out, but he wouldn't. He felt like he couldn't.
"Aus," Sam began softly, waiting to see if the blue-haired boy was going to start speaking or make any movements. Austen didn't do a thing, waiting for the brunette to continue. There was an awkward silence that filled the room, only the sound of Austen's stuttered breathing to be heard.
Sam waited a few moments before continuing on.
"I just... I'm gonna tell you the whole truth, everything that happened, it might help us understand why Chloe's saying all these things and- And trying to- to… To get me, I guess," Sam said, struggling to get his words out.
"The whole truth?" Austen said as he raised his eyebrows and looked at Sam with suspicious eyes. Sam nodded slowly and looked back at Austen with tear-glazed eyes.
"Well, uh, she- Chloe- came up to me when I was sitting on a bench over in the courtyard, uh, she tried coming onto me, saying that she knew I liked her and that she liked me, uh," Sam started, feeling a wave of heat rush through him. He felt nauseous, nervous, he wanted nothing more than to be out of this situation; he wanted nothing more than to run away from his problems and ignore it so he could stop feeling like this, even though he knew it wouldn't go away until after the issue was resolved.
"You like her...?" Austen asked shakily. He felt his chest become heavy and felt what could be described as a stab to his heart as tears slid silently down his pink cheeks. He wanted to be angry, he wanted to feel furious and infuriated and he wanted to scream and yell at Sam for doing what he promised he wouldn't do, but he couldn't. He couldn't feel sullen, he felt numb; he felt dismal, despondent, heartbroken. He felt as if he was the gloomiest boy in the world.
"No no no!" Sam said quickly, shaking his head and waving his hands. "No, no, gosh no, Aus, no."
"Then why do you sound so defensive?" Austen asked, nothing but sadness filling his words. He was angry before, he had been passive-aggressive but now he was nothing but low-spirited and dejected. It sounded like he had given up.
"I- I'm not being defensive, 'm not!" Sam stammered, not wanting to think about is conflicted feelings between the blonde bombshell and the natural blue. He didn't feel strongly about Chloe but there was still something there and that drove him off an imaginary cliff; he felt strongly about Austen but he had recognized at this point he had done most everything he said he wouldn't and that he had hurt Austen.
"You said the whole truth, Sam," Austen stated monotonously. Sam looked over at Austen, feeling pain hit his chest. He was composed of panic and worry, as he desperately wanted to tell Austen the truth but he didn't want to lose him.
"I-"
"The whole truth!" Austen shouted. "The whole truth, Sam, the whole truth!"
"I did!" Sam shouted back.
The two said nothing more to each other for a few moments, noticing the quick escalation of the conversation. Elias had taken this time to make up an excuse about needing to meet up with Adrianna to study for some test (to which the only class he had with Adrianna was Economics and they didn't have an upcoming test) and left the room swiftly. He had taken Sam's previous spot and sat outside the door, just to make sure that one of them (more Austen than Sam) didn't start swinging or breaking anything. Elias was the peace-keeper, and even though he hated it, he'd do anything to keep Austen safe and out of harm's way. He owed it to the natural blue after ignoring the warning signs with what happened with Zack. He wouldn't let the natural blue try to kill himself ever again. Elias didn't dare think about what he'd do to himself if he slipped his guard and let Austen down again. He wouldn't think about it; he couldn't think about it.
Austen was the first to break the silence that held between him and Sam by breaking down into a sobbing mess. Sam wasn't sure if he was allowed to even attempt to comfort Austen, especially since he was the one who had hurt him. He took a step closer to the natural blue to test his boundaries, to which Austen didn't move back. Sam hesitated as he stepped closer once more and he wrapped his arms around Austen's fragile figure. Austen didn't pull away but he didn't return the embrace either, simply standing there on his own with his hands buried in his face while he continued to bawl.
"I didn't like her a lot," Sam said quietly, knowing that Austen needed to hear everything else before he could leave the room. Sam was determined to say everything he needed to and that he'd refuse to leave before he was done. "It was just- Just like a feeling of lust, I g-guess, uh... I don't like her the way I like you, Austen... You're- Y-you're my best friend and I can't just... I can't deny that I feel strongly about you, Aus, a-a-and I- I- I just, I'm so sorry. B-But she came onto m-me at the bench a-and she kept saying she w-wanted me and I k-kept telling her n-no, Aus, I told her no, I said it over a-and o-over, I said no. S-she kept going, Aus, I didn't want her to kiss me b-but she did, I- I didn't k-kiss her back, I swear, I d-didn't, I t-told her no."
Austen didn't say anything as he moved his hands from his face and wrapped them around Sam, crying into his chest. Sam didn't say anything about it, knowing that Austen needed to get it out as he'd been bottling his feelings for too long.
"I kept trying to get her to go away, Aus," Sam said. "She wouldn't a-and she got mad and jealous and t-that's probably why she said t-those things on Twitter."
"Why'd you retweet the one where she calls you amazing?" Austen sniffled, hitting Sam's chest and pushing him away, wiping away his tears onto his sweater-covered hands.
Sam looked at Austen with wide eyes, taken aback by the sudden change in his mood. He stood in shock, not daring to make a move in fear that Austen was going hurt him, or worse, himself.
"I- I, uh, I- I w-was trying to, uh, to get her to stop," Sam stammered out quietly, hoping Austen had heard him so he didn't have to repeat it. Sam was scared to death and even though he didn't want to admit it, Austen truly did terrify Sam, especially when got into his moods. Sam hated the days when Austen's medication didn't work as well as it should, or at least that's what Sam had th
ought, for he was unaware of how long he had been slowly decreasing the dosage he was consuming. Austen wasn't aware of how dangerous that was but he didn't care. He wanted to feel.
"You were trying to get her to stop by feeding into the problem?!" Austen yelled. "What the hell, Sam? That's not how you solve it! Why didn't you just come and fucking talk to me?!"
"This is why, Austen!" Sam shouted right back, beginning to get agitated. "I say something that you don't like, and you go off and it's like you’re a fucking ticking time bomb!"
"So you thought it'd be better to keep this a secret from me? Are you fucking sure you're not a cheating asshole?!" Austen barked loudly. His face was tear-stained and red and he looked like an emotional mess, which wasn't far from the truth. The lithium pills took at least six weeks to begin working fully and it had only been a little over two.
"I didn't fucking cheat on you! We are not dating!" Sam screamed, stomping his foot onto the ground, not caring for the fact that Austen and Elias's dorm was on the third floor and the people who lived below them were probably getting fed up with all the noise they had made over the past month or two. "She kissed me, I didn't kiss her! Why can't you get that into your fucking tiny brain?! I'm not the asshole here, I'm trying to fix our fucking relationship problems but it seems that all you care about is the fact that Chloe exists and that I apparently ever so much want to fuck her but I don't want to fuck her, okay?! I don't want anything romantic with her, I don't want her, I like you, Austen! But you can't see that, can you?! You're a fucking selfish brat, only thinking about yourself! Fuck you!"
Austen stared at Sam in shock as the brunette swiftly turned on his heel and stomped out of the dorm room, accidentally smacking Elias's head with the door as he angrily threw it open. Sam apologized to Elias and then slammed the door shut and made his way out of the building.
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