by Doe, Anna B.
I’ve known Amelia since elementary school, and although I tried to resist it, her kindness and big heart eventually won me over. She’s one of those pure, innocent people who doesn’t see the darkness and evil in the world. That’s one of the reasons why she was always such an easy target growing up, which resulted in her being bullied for years. I tried to protect her as much as I could, which granted, wasn’t much. But I did offer her something else—my friendship.
So for as long as I can remember, it’s been the two of us against the world.
That is, until now.
Lia tucks a strand of strawberry blond hair behind her ear. No matter how she tries to tame it, today it’s a side braid, it always seems like her hair has a mind of its own. Freckles adorn her ivory skin. Chocolate eyes surrounded by long dark lashes—the only make-up this girl ever uses is a swipe or two of mascara and some lip gloss—look at me expectantly, waiting for my explanation.
“If you must know, I was in the library.”
A small frown appears between her brows. “Doing what?”
“Studying. I was studying in the library.” I roll my eyes. “Gee, what’s with the twenty questions?”
“No reason.” She looks away, playing with the tip of her braid.
I stare at her, waiting.
If she has something to say, she better say it.
“Okay, you’ve been acting weird lately, and I just wanted to make sure you’re alright.”
“I’m fine, Lia. Really.”
“You’d tell me if something was wrong?” Those deer-like eyes zero in on me, waiting for my answer.
I swallow down hard. My tongue darts out to wet my dry lips.
That’s the thing about Lia. She’s so nice, she cares about people, and the people she loves? She’d do anything for them. But there are some things that are beyond imaginable. Things she wouldn’t understand. Things she couldn’t understand because she’s too guarded.
And I wanted to keep her that way. I’m selfish, and I want her unaware so I can enjoy her light without having to worry about her knowing my darkness.
She comes from a different environment than I do. A stable, whole family who loves and cares for each other. And no matter how much she tries to understand, no matter how much she tries to pull me in, guard me from my own life, guard me from myself, she can’t. Because I’m too far gone for that.
So, like always, I do the only thing I know how so that she’s protected and doesn’t worry because that’s the last thing I want—I lie.
“Of course.”
Lia stares at me, taking in my face as she weighs my words. It’s something I’ve noticed her doing more and more lately. It’s as if she knows. Knows I’m lying to her, yet she never calls me on it. I think on some level she understands. Understands my need to have our friendship separated from everything else. The last thread of hope and goodness I cling to, so she lets me.
“Hey, Freckles. What’s up?”
His words snap me out of our staring contest. I pick up my book, burrowing my nose between the pages, but I don’t read a word. From the corner of my eye, I can see him near. Max stops by her table, smiling down at her as they talk.
He pulls the tip of her braid, a move that could be considered brotherly if it wasn’t for the tenderness etched on his face.
He looks at her the same way he did that first day of school. Lia’s car broke down, and he was the one who stopped to help her and eventually brought her to school. I knew she’d be late. We were talking on the phone when it happened, so when the door opened mid-homeroom, I lifted my gaze expecting to see my best friend. What a mistake that had been. Because there he was, the most beautiful boy I’ve ever seen in my life. Tall and dressed in all black, his dark hair messy. His deep laughter filled the room, making the fine hairs at the nape of my neck rise, making my heart beat faster. He smiled, light, gentle eyes looking down at somebody.
Looking at her, my best friend.
“Hey, Brook.” His deep voice brings me out of my stroll down memory lane. His fingers brush the edge of my desk, drawing my attention. Slowly, I lift my gaze from the book because what else is there to do? He’s standing there. Waiting. And it doesn’t seem like he’ll leave me alone anytime soon.
I’ve been trying to avoid him since leaving the library. Even went as far as to close myself in the art room during the lunch break just so I wouldn’t have to be with him.
With any of them.
“You disappeared so suddenly earlier I didn’t get a chance…” He stops for a heartbeat, those piercing, silver eyes staring into mine. “Thank you. For the help today. I really appreciate it.”
I can feel Lia’s curious eyes on me. On us. Darting between Max and me like she’s watching a tennis match. Trying to figure out what the hell Max is talking about.
Shutting her out, shutting them both out, I open my book again.
“No thanks needed.”
He stands there for a little while longer, but when he realizes the only thing he’ll get is silence, he gives up and goes to his seat, giving me exactly what I wanted.
So why do I feel so empty then?
Chapter Six
BROOK
“Where do you think you’re going?”
I lift my head, startled by her raspy voice. I didn’t think she was home. If I’d known, I probably would have grabbed my shit and snuck out as quietly as possible. The last thing I wanted to do was cross paths with my mother.
Especially when she was in one of her moods. Which she was since she lost both her job and boyfriend not that long ago. That’s what happens when your boyfriend is your boss and you catch him fucking his new side piece in the office. Again, nothing new. She and Bob have been doing this for the last three years. I don’t know why they bother when it’s always the same. He fucks on the side, she finds out, makes a scene, he fires her, she closes herself in the house drinking and getting high more than she usually does, until he comes crawling back and begging for forgiveness. Then all is fine for a while until the same old circle begins again.
Some people have been self-destructive for so long, it’s become a part of who they are. Josephine Taylor is no exception.
Her small body is hunched on the ugly brown sofa that has so many holes one of these days somebody will sit down, only to fall to the floor. She grips the bottle in her hand and takes a long pull. Judging by the clear liquid, it’s vodka, her drink of choice. Her dark hair streaked with grays is greasy from days of not washing it, her make-up smudged underneath her eyes. She looks a mess, but it’s not like that’s something particularly strange or new.
“Out,” I say curtly, slipping my sneakers on my feet.
“What about all this mess?” She looks around the room, taking everything in. “You can’t go!”
The living room is a pigsty. Dirty dishes and bottles are everywhere. Full ashtrays and crumbled wrappers from McDonald’s are scattered all over the small coffee table and old carpet floor. But that’s not even the worst part. The worst part is the smell. She closed all the windows and blinds four days ago and hasn’t opened them since. The smell of cigarettes, leftover food, and stale human sweat makes it impossible to breathe inside.
Irritated by her stupid-ass comment, I put on my leather jacket and pull the zipper before I turn to look at her again. Even from across the room and with her sitting illuminated only by the light of the old metal box that’s supposed to be a TV, I can see her dark eyes glistering. She’s drunk. Again. Probably high too judging by the faint sweet smell of marijuana still lingering in the air.
My heart squeezes painfully, but I push it away like I always do. I know who she is. I know she won’t ever change, yet still… The little girl I assumed died long ago resurfaces from her hiding place somewhere deep down inside of my heart. A little girl who wants her mother’s love. And every time I see her like this, that tiny part of me I didn’t even know still exists dies all over again.
“Well, how about this?” I grit through
my clenched teeth. “Get your lazy ass off the couch and do it yourself.”
With those words, I turn around and storm out.
* * *
“Go, go, go!” Lia chants next to me, jumping to her feet. It’s her first game since she and Derek officially got together, and she’s been overly excited cheering on the Wolves. If I didn’t love her as much as I do, I’d probably find her annoying.
“Calm down, pompom girl!” I wrap my fingers around her elbow and tug her down. “You’ll poke out someone’s eye.”
“Derek asked me to come and cheer him on.” Lia blushes crimson, sitting back down. “He said something about them not having cheerleaders.”
“Why would they need them when they have you?” I joke.
“The only thing you’re missing is an ultra-short skirt and pompoms,” Jeanette adds, the two of us sharing a knowing smile over Lia’s head before we realize who we’re talking to, both abruptly turning back to look at the game happening on the ice.
Jeanette’s Max’s twin sister, and if you think I don’t get along with him… Well, my “relationship”, for lack of a better word, with her is even worse. Beautiful with her olive skin, short black hair and those damn piercing gray eyes, she’s the epitome of privileged, full of herself, Ice Bitch. Lia tried to assure me Jeanette’s not that bad, but Lia would believe a thief trying to pass as a homeless person and invite them home, so I’m not sure if her opinion is relevant. Either way, to say Jeanette and I can’t stand each other would be an understatement. But somehow we end up being pushed together over and over again.
Take today for example. Lia asked me to go with her to this game, but not once did she mention that Jeanette was going too. I could see Jeanette was surprised when I came, but we tried to play nice as not to hurt Lia’s feelings.
Pushing the thoughts of her out of my mind, I watch our goalie promptly stop the puck that was shot his way. The game transfers back to the center, two guys facing off in the middle. The tension as they stare at each other is palpable. The second period is slowly coming to an end, and there is still no score for either team.
Watching from here, it seems like it takes forever, but it’s probably just a few seconds before one of the guys gets possession over the puck. The crowd groans loudly in protest as we watch the guy in the green and yellow jersey skate away.
Everybody starts moving at once, the ice a mess of white and green jerseys. Wolves surround the poor guy just as he tries to make a pass to one of his teammates, but the puck is intercepted by Hill, who passes it straight to Sanders.
I’ve never been interested in sports. I had neither the time nor the money for it, but I have to admit I’m actually enjoying hockey. It’s a fast-paced, no-nonsense, aggressive game.
Max goes for the net, but in the last second a guy pummels into him from the side, making him stumble.
This time it’s Jeanette who jumps to her feet, yelling angrily, but I don’t hear a word. My heart slows down, breath stuck in my throat, and I watch his giant frame fall forward in slow motion. I can see his hands move, and somehow, in the last moment, he not-so-gracefully regains his balance, but the puck is gone. The douchebag is flying over the ice with puck in tow, but a white blur steals it from him and shoves the guy into the glass.
Andrew and Derek flip the puck for a while, waiting for their opening. And then it comes. Andrew pretends to shoot to Derek when instead he shoots the other way. To Sanders, waiting in the clear, close to the net. Max gets his stick on the puck and turns in one swift motion, and it’s just him and the goalie.
Max lifts his stick, and you can feel the buzz of excitement spread through Wolves fans as the puck goes flying.
The red light shines as the buzzer goes off.
Take that, bitch.
* * *
The Wolves ends up winning 2-1. It was a difficult game, but the guys managed to score the last goal a few seconds before the final buzzer marked the end of the third period.
I still couldn’t get the picture of Max’s body flying through the air out of my mind. I’ve seen how hands-on and downright aggressive hockey players can be. Tripping each other with a stick, shoving into the Plexiglass, “accidentally” elbowing each other, and don’t even get me started with what happens when the gloves come off. But something about this, about today, was different. Just thinking about it, even now after I’ve watched him play for the last period stronger than ever, I couldn’t shake it off.
Since the moment Maximillian Sanders walked into Greyford, he was a pain in my ass. He’s too big, too chipper, too intrusive, too… everything. He barged into this town, into this school, and he sees me.
Whenever he’s around, when his gray eyes zero in on me, it feels like all the air is sucked out of the space and it gets too hard to breathe.
It messes with my head. My body freezes and my breath gets stuck in my lungs every time he’s around, so I do the only thing I know to stay invisible—I fight it, fight him, with my bitchy attitude and sarcasm. But the meaner I am, the more insistent he becomes.
He fights my cold stares and icy stabs with jokes and the easy-going smirk on his lips, not once backing down.
It irritates me.
Infuriates me really.
It thrills me.
At the same time, I love and hate the little spark that he sets on fire every time we face one another.
Those tantalizing, smoky-colored irises dare me. They dare me to break my rules and get out of hiding. But I can’t do that. I can’t give in because I know very well the price you have to pay when rules are broken.
They were created for that very reason.
And yet…
“Brook?” Lia waves her hands in front of my face, bringing me out of my thoughts. We were outside, waiting for the guys to get out. Lia wanted to see Derek, although they got here in separate cars since the guys had to be in the rink early to prepare for the game.
“Yeah?”
“Where did you wander off to? It seemed like we lost you for a few.”
“Just thinking.” I shrug. “What’s up?”
“You’re still not coming to the party tonight?”
Every weekend there is a huge party at Andrew Hill’s house. He’s the big guy in Greyford. His daddy is a fancy lawyer and the future mayor of our town, of which his family owns half. Girls want to fuck him; guys want to be him.
Once upon a time, we wouldn’t be caught dead in his company. He used to bully Amelia when we were younger, but things have changed as of late. He was the one who came to Lia to apologize for his behavior and asked her to give Derek another chance. And since he’s Derek’s best friend and Lia’s dating Derek, it’s not like we can get rid of the guy.
“No can do. Sorry.”
Lia observes me carefully, waiting for me to explain, but as always, I don’t give her more.
Being her friend is hard enough because it requires breaking my rules. There are not many of them, but they’re the key to my sanity.
#1: Don’t form attachments.
My safety.
#2: Don’t let your guard down.
My freedom.
#3: Do NOT, under any circumstances, fall in love.
But not being her friend was never an option. She has air around her. When I’m with her, I can breathe. When I’m with her, it feels like all the fucked-up and broken pieces of me are slowly patching back together.
I’m not fooling myself. There is only so much she can heal and even then… I’ll never be whole again. The pieces can mend, but the scars will always stay. Ragged and ugly.
Damaged.
“Okay.” Lia smiles softly. “Next time.”
“Next time,” I agree softly.
Lie, it’s all a lie.
Lately, I’ve been missing out on a lot of things. Thankfully, Lia hasn’t picked up on it just yet. Between Derek, studying and all the other senior shit, she’s been busy. I hang around just enough so she doesn’t get suspicious, while slowly detaching.
<
br /> Then the guys get out. Lia jumps into Derek’s arms like she hasn’t seen him for days instead of mare minutes. He kisses her soundly on the lips, his bag falling off his shoulder from the impact of her body crashing into his.
Averting my gaze, so I don’t throw up from their overly enthusiastic PDA, I catch Andrew and Max getting out, some of the other players following behind them.
Jeanette sees them too and starts running, but suddenly slows down. It’s like somebody pulled the leash and made her stop. It’s weird AF.
Finally, they meet halfway, and I see her looking carefully over her brother’s body, probably searching for any kind of discomfort. Her fingers twitch with the need to touch him, yet she holds back. I’m not sure what the deal is with the two of them. They love each other; it’s clearly written all over their faces and obvious even to somebody like me who’s barely had any connection with the feeling, but they’re so uncomfortable around one another it’s almost painful to watch.
More guys come out of the building. They’re joking and whooping. Some are greeted by their friends and family. Some stick in the group, probably discussing the game.
My eyes scan the parking lot, looking at all the people gathered in groups, and the constant feeling of loneliness that I carry as a second skin intensifies so much it feels like I’m going to suffocate.
What the hell am I doing here?
It’s clear that I don’t belong.
I never did, and I never will.
I can hear Lia’s giggles. See Max reach for his sister and pull her into a bear hug that she pretends to hate, but at the same time, she inhales just a tad deeper when she’s in his arms so she can hold on to his familiar scent. Even Andrew isn’t alone. Two girls walk with him, and he’s thrown his hands over their shoulders, pulling them closer.
What are you doing here? Don’t you get it? Nobody wants you; nobody ever will.
My gut clenches, but I ignore the nasty feeling in the pit of my stomach.