"I'm aware."
"Then why do you think I'd have any advice for how to prevent it from happening?"
I scratched my head. "I don't know."
"Let's back up a little. Do the vampires, who have this curse, turn into bats when they are hungry themselves, or even if they are around other hunger vampires?"
I sighed. "I don't think so. I just thought, maybe, that it worked differently for me. You know, since I'm an elemental."
"For the sake of argument," Cain said. "Let's assume that this is a curse. I'm not so sure what you're going through is. But if it is a curse, if it's anything at all like mine, it operates independently of whatever species you might be."
"What do you mean?"
"During my long life, a lot of different supernaturals have tried to kill me. Every time, they suffered the seven-fold curse the same way."
"They became werewolves," I said.
Cain nodded. "Humans have tried to kill me. Vampires have tried to kill me, too. I even had a run-in with a nasty bear once, in the forest, and do you know what happened to the bear?"
"He turned into a werewolf?" I asked.
"Technically, it wasn't a werewolf. Because were means man. But yet, it shifted at the next full moon, too. It was terrifying. Can you imagine what a bearwolf might be like?"
"Not really," I said. "But I'm sure it was dreadful."
Cain nodded. "So what do we know? Curse, or not, you have the urge to turn into a bat when you encounter something that doesn't have at all the same effect on anyone else, on any of the vampires you've met, who have the same condition."
"If a bloodthirsty vampire isn't the trigger, then what is?" I asked.
Cain pressed his lips together. "Perhaps it isn't the vampire that triggers you, but something in you. Something else, emotionally, that these vampires cause you to experience."
I chuckled. "I see what you're doing here."
"Do you?" Cain asked.
"You're trying to sell me on more therapy."
Cain laughed. "I'm not trying to sell you on anything, Nyx."
"Nicky," I said, correcting him. "I prefer to be called Nicky."
"Annabelle told me as much," Cain said. "Tell me, why don't you like the name Nyx?"
"It isn't that I don't like it," I said. "I just save that name for the person I become when I'm hunting vampires."
"So you feel like you're two different people in one?" Cain asked.
"Sort of. I'm still the same person. But when I'm hunting, versus when I'm singing, or just living my life, it brings out a whole different side of me."
"Nyx isn't really a proper name, is it?" Cain asked.
I shook my head. "It's just another name for the Neck, for my species."
"So when you hunt vampires, you choose to go by a name that is connected to what you used to be."
I shrugged. "Sort of. I haven't thought about it like that before."
"How do you feel about your species? About the Neck?"
"You know how I feel about that. We've been over that before."
"It's been a while. Why don't you refresh my memory?"
"I think that what I was, before, is despicable. Even more now than I did back then. Now that I've gotten to know humans. Now that I love a human."
"So you're in love?" Cain asked.
"Yeah. I am. I haven't told him exactly. Not in so many words. But yes."
"What's his name?"
"Devin," I said. "He's actually out in the waiting room."
"So this man you love," Cain said. "He follows you here, comes with you, waits for you in our admittedly uncomfortable waiting room. And you won't tell him that you love him?"
I shrugged. "I don't know why not. I guess saying it out loud..."
"Do you think he'd be upset if you said it?" Cain asked.
"No," I said. "Probably not."
"Of course he wouldn't. You don't take a long road trip to take someone. You just sort of like to see his therapist. So why, really, won't you tell him?"
I scratched my head. "Probably the same reason I haven't slept with him yet. I'm afraid I won't be good enough. That he won't enjoy it. That he won't feel the same way."
"You said you're afraid. Tell me more about that."
"Like I said, I'm scared I won't be good enough for him. I won't be for him everything he is for me. I'm afraid he'll reject me."
"We've already discussed why that's irrational. He's demonstrated that he feels the same way about you that you do about him."
"It's just, he's already had to overlook so much about me to be with me."
"Has he?" Cain asked.
"Devin thought he might be gay. But I'm not a man. I'm a woman. So, am I really what he wants? What if, deep down, he's attracted to me as a man, but not as my true self."
"Is that a real worry, Nicky? You said it yourself. He has feelings for you. And he isn't the one who is hesitant about having intimacy together."
I sighed. "Like I told him in your waiting room. It's a long story. But I actually had to target him, like a Neck targets its victims, to reassume this form again."
"So you are the form he desires the most. That means your worry that he wants you to be a man, not the woman you are, is misplaced."
"I suppose so," I said, fidgeting with the pleat of my blouse.
"But you did have to target him, like you used to target your meals, right?"
I nodded. "I hate that..."
"So you think it's Nyx, not Nicky, that he's interested in?"
"I think that it's Nyx, the elemental. He could never love that part of me."
"So you're afraid he'll reject you because of your history, because of what you used to be."
"And because our relationship is predicated, now, on me using an ability that is meant to kill him."
"Who said it's meant for that?" Cain asked.
"It just is," I said. "As the Neck, it was what we did. We chose a target, we shifted, we ate."
"But you agree, you aren't a Neck anymore. At least, you don't identify as one. You identify as a human. More specifically, as a transgender woman, correct?"
"I do," I said. "I don't think of myself as one of the Neck anymore."
"So what is the big event in your life that started this change? What happened that changed your existence from being just another one of the Neck and set you on the path to becoming Nicky?"
I winced. "When Alice bit me."
"Your first encounter with, how did you put it, a hungry vampire?"
"I see where you're going with this. You think that it's because of my past that I have fears associated with hungry vampires."
Cain clasped his hands and rested them across his crossed legs. "Tell me, Nicky. I'm told that you found Alice after hunting her for years."
I nodded. "But she was different. I drank her blood and shifted again. I targeted this nasty vampire, Wolfgang, and for a few minutes, I became a woman. I took the form of his old wife."
"How did it feel to become a woman? Did you finally feel like yourself?"
I took a deep breath. "Not like I expected. It was a female body. I had all the parts that I'd always wished I had. But I still didn't feel like me. Not until I targeted Devin and found out that this body was what he wanted, what he desired, all the while."
"Interesting," Cain said.
I cocked my head. "What's interesting?"
"You spent the better part of the last several years hunting vampires, trying to track down the one who you thought stole your ability to shapeshift."
"That's what Nyx was all about. I didn't hunt vampires for any reason other than for revenge. To get my old life back."
"But now you don't want your old life back. And revenge wasn't what you thought it could be for you."
I nodded. "Exactly."
"So, tell me, Nicky. Who is Nyx, now?"
I shrugged. "I still hunt vampires."
"Do you?" Cain asked. "How many have you hunted recently, and why did you go after them?"
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I bit my lip. "Actually, most of them have been coming to my club. I thought they were trying to get revenge on Alice. But now I found that they're trying to get to Devin and me."
"So you aren't hunting them anymore," Cain said. "Sounds like you're only slaying vampires, now, out of self-defense. And to protect someone you love."
"I suppose that's true."
"You've come to accept Nicky. Finding love helped you with that. But, tell me, why can't you accept the part of yourself you call Nyx?"
I shrugged. "I do accept that part of me."
"Do you?" Cain asked. "It sounds to me like you've divided yourself up between two personas, two identities, and Nicky is what you love about yourself. But Nyx does what is necessary. She's the part of yourself that stands between Nicky and the Neck, between the life you're building for your future and the nightmare of a past you despise."
I sighed. "Nyx is a necessary evil."
Cain raised an eyebrow. "Nyx protects people you love. Why is that evil, Nicky?"
I cleared my throat, "I don't know. It just is. How is all of this really going to help me figure out this bat shifting problem, anyway?"
Cain smiled. "I think we've made a lot of progress today. We aren't going to solve this in one session."
"So that's it?" I asked.
"For now," Cain said. "Your boyfriend's mother is here. Would you mind joining me to wake her up?"
I shook my head. "I don't think seeing me first thing when she's unstaked is a great idea."
"Why do you say that, Nicky?"
I shrugged. "She hates vampires. She hates what she is. And I think she blames me, in part, for what she thinks is her son's corruption."
"Sounds familiar," Cain said. "Someone who hates what she's become. Who thinks someone else is to blame for her problems. Who has a long road to follow before she accepts herself for who she's becoming, without limiting her future by a past she can never go back to."
I snorted. "You want to use her as an object lesson for my therapy?"
Cain shrugged. "Can't hurt. But honestly, Nicky, unstaking vampires who've been committed here against their will isn't usually a pleasant experience. I could use your help."
Chapter sixteen
"I don't want to do this," I said, following Cain into the room where they'd already laid Debbie on a table in a straight jacket. A hole was cut in the front to accommodate the stake sticking through it and into her chest. "She'll be hungry. That means I'll probably shift."
Cain closed the door behind us and locked it. "Then I'll be able to see it for myself. It'll help with your treatment plan."
I snorted. "I don't know what I'll do. The last time, I knew what I was doing for a while but then... I blacked out."
"We're an asylum the deals exclusively with supernaturals," Cain said. "Whatever happens, we're equipped to handle it."
I looked at Debbie. Not only was she in a straight jacket, but they'd also fixed a collar around her neck. From my experience at the asylum before, I knew that the collars emitted sunlight. If the vampire wearing one misbehaved, they'd fire it remotely, sending scarring and painful blasts of light into the vamp's neck. Sort of like those shock collars people use to train their dogs. Except these collars would leave a mark.
"Shouldn't we bring Devin back here for this?" I asked.
Cain pressed his lips together. "We may bring him into the process later. For both of you. For now, I think we should allow you both to react to each other on your own terms, without filtering your visceral response to one another through your relationship with Devin."
I snorted. "And what is this supposed to accomplish?"
"I don't know yet," Cain said. "You've only completed the bat shift once, correct?"
I nodded. "But I had the urge, the tingle, before when I was around Debbie. When she wasn't staked."
Cain smiled. "The only way I learned to control the wolf, to understand the wolf, was to become the wolf."
"So you want me to become a bat?" I asked.
"This is a safe place," Cain said. "You have an advantage I never did. You can get to know the bat, the nature of this curse as you call it, in a place where you won't be able to hurt anyone. I didn't have such a luxury."
I sighed. "Alright. I'd still rather not shift if I can avoid it. I don't think seeing her son's girlfriend turn into a bat will do much for her willingness to accept our relationship."
Cain shrugged. "If she disapproves of your relationship already, how much can it hurt? You might be surprised how she responds."
I snorted. "I just don't want to make things worse."
"Sometimes, we have to confront the worst of the truth before we can accept it. Like it or not, Nicky, the bat is a part of your current truth. Do you want Devin's mom's approval if she thinks you're something you aren't?"
"She already thinks I'm a man. So, we have that covered."
"I'm not talking about her perception of your truth. You can't control how other people might misgender you or judge you. I'm talking about your presentation of yourself. You can only control whether you decide to present yourself as you are or if you're going to hide behind a façade."
"I'm not hiding this from her," I said. "But don't you think she's dealing with enough right now without having to think about the fact that her son's girlfriend turns into a bat whenever she's around?"
"Trust me. Remove the stake, Nicky."
"You want me to do that? Aren't there, like, policies or insurance issues involved if a non-licensed person does that here?"
Cain shrugged. "So long as she doesn't have an HMO, we're good."
"Seriously?"
"No," Cain said. "We don't take insurance. We don't have any regulatory agency governing our activities. Our policies and procedures are all agreed upon between myself and the Voodoo Queen. All of this is beside the point. You're stalling, Nicky."
"Fine," I said, stomping over toward Debbie and yanking the stake out of her heart. She gasped. I felt an instantaneous tingle. I took two steps back, even as Debbie struggled to free her arms from her straight jacket.
Cain stepped around me, patting me on the shoulder as he did. He approached Debbie and put his hand on her face. "Take a deep breath. I'm Doctor Cain, and I'm here to help."
Debbie hissed. The tingle in my body continued to course through my body like electricity.
The next thing I knew, I was flying around the room, searching in a panic and a rage. Cain knew this would happen.
"Give me blood!" Debbie screamed, her voice cracking.
Cain reached into a small bar-sized refrigerator, pulled out a blood bag, and placed it on her lips.
Debbie sucked it down as her eyes followed me around the room.
"That's awful!" Debbie said after gulping the whole thing down.
"It's not the same, I know, as blood still imbued with a living soul. But it will calm your pangs long enough that we can talk."
"Where's Devin?" Debbie asked. "Where are we, and why's there a bat flying around?"
Cain chuckled and extended his arm. I took the cue and landed on it. "Your son is outside," Cain said. "You're at the Vilokan Asylum for the Magically and Mentally Deranged. Your son has asked that we help you adjust to your new mode of existence. And this bat, well, you and she will be spending a lot of time together over the next couple weeks."
I glanced at Cain and shrieked again. He ignored me. If he'd understood what I meant by my scream, he would have heard something to the effect of "what the hell?" Spending time together? Seriously? When I agreed to come down here and bring this issue to Cain, taking Debbie with us was just a two birds one stone sort of thing. I never imagined that Cain would try and treat us together* in any sense.
"Debbie," Cain said. "The collar on your neck emits sunlight. Keep that in mind. We'd prefer not to have to use it. Nurse Rutherford will be in shortly to help you get situated in your room.
"More blood," Debbie said. "Real blood, this time."
Cain nodded.
"That can be arranged."
Cain bent over, picked up my pile of clothes and heels, and with me still perched on his arm, took me out of the room and back to his office.
I flew off his arm and onto the couch. I was still adjusting to this particular shape. Some things, like flying, came by instinct. Trying to figure out how to shift back to my usual form was another matter entirely.
I was a larger-than-average bat. It was a fairly impressive feat of strength that Cain managed to hold me on his extended arm so effortlessly. I suppose, if I remembered right, as a werewolf, he had enhanced strength even when in his natural form.
"Just relax, Nicky," Cain said, taking a seat in the same chair he'd sat in during our session.
I cocked my head which, I imagine, might have been a little funny looking since I was a bat. Hell, it might have even been a little cute. Bats aren't nearly as hideous as people often think. If anyone could do bat shift fabulous, it was me.
I still wasn't changing back. How does one even begin to relax as a bat? It wasn't like I could kick my feet up, grab a cocktail, and Netflix and chill.
Cain locked his eyes into mine. "Nicky, your human shape is your natural form. It's what your body wants to return to. You just have to let it happen."
Was it really my natural form? Technically, I didn't have much of a form at all. The Neck, when not shifted into a form, are like water in water. Becoming a puddle on Cain's floor certainly wasn't what I wanted. But I did shift back into Nicky form before, the last time I shifted into bat form. That time, though, I'd passed out. I lost consciousness and woke up to the pleasant sight of Devin, looking down at me, all cute and concerned.
I couldn't communicate with Cain like this. I didn't know how to explain that just letting go, Elsa-style, wasn't going to cut it.
Now that I thought about it, though, that might be a fun number to add to my set. Though, saying the cold never bothered me anyway would be a lie. I'm made of water. The cold tends to turn me into a hard ass.
Winters in Missouri suck. But I had a warm, faux fur coat that helped prevent me from becoming the sexiest ice sculpture anyone had ever seen in the winter months. If it got too cold, I just stayed inside.
I looked down. I was sitting on Cain's couch completely naked.
Bat Shift Crazy: An Ex-Shifter turned Vampire Hunter Urban Fantasy (The Legend of Nyx Book 2) Page 8