by Dawn Brower
“Bloody hell…” Merrifield scrubbed his hands over his face. “What happened after you left the game room last night?”
He’d had the best night of his life… “I don’t want to discuss it.” Devon didn’t even want to think about it. “Suffice to say that I messed up, and quite badly, and the duke has requested my departure.”
“You’re going to have to talk more slowly because I think I didn’t hear you correctly…” He paused a moment and then continued. “Did you say the duke told you to leave?”
“Ordered it or he’d gut me. If I’m not gone in the next quarter hour, I’m a dead man.” He had to move faster. “I will need your carriage.”
“This can’t be happening. I can’t leave…”
“You can stay. I’m going to go to town. Maybe the inn has a room and I can stay there until you’re ready to leave.” He’d prefer to go to London, but he’d wait in town if it made everything easier for Merrifield. He had reasons for being at the house party, and he hated that his actions made it more difficult for him.
“All right, but I’ll go with you to town. I could use some fresh air and a little distance from this house. On the way you can tell me what you did to make his grace the arse so angry.”
He didn’t want to admit that he’d seduced the duke’s daughter, Adeline, his Addie. The minx that he couldn’t erase from his mind or his soul. She’d come to mean so much to him in a short time. For the thousandth time he couldn’t help asking himself how he could have messed up so horribly. “All right,” he resigned himself to dredging up the horrors of finding out Addie was no maid, but a lady he never should have touched intimately. “But please hurry. I don’t doubt the duke would gut me if I’m here longer than I am supposed to be.”
“Take your trunk down and order my carriage. I won’t be long.” With those words, Merrifield left the room.
Devon grabbed his trunk and went to the entrance and asked for Merrifield’s carriage. Once it was ready Merrifield joined him in the foyer and they left the Whitewood estate. Devon didn’t stop to look back or regret his decision. It was for the best…
Adeline stared out the window as the carriage headed down the drive. He was actually leaving. She had told him she didn’t regret loving him. A part of her had hoped that grand speech would reach him. He loved her. She believed that to the depth of her soul, but it hadn’t been enough. That wish she’d made had come true, but it hadn’t been enough. Finding love didn’t mean it would stay forever. No one had made her any guarantees, and she’d lost the one man that she would always love.
She pushed the curtains back. They had reached the end of the driveway and soon they would be out of sight. She couldn’t watch anymore. Devon, the Earl of Winchester, was leaving her. He had decided loving her was too much for him and he’d run away. Did he even consider staying? She didn’t think he had because he had certainly left as fast as he possibly could. It hadn’t even been an hour, and he was rushing down the stairs and calling for the carriage. It showed how little she’d meant to him. He’d made love to her and it had been wonderful…until it all came crashing down around her.
“Is something wrong?”
Adeline turned toward her mother. She hadn’t heard her come into the sitting room. Why was she even there so early? It was barely past dawn and most of the guests were still asleep. “Why do you ask?”
“Dear,” she said and brushed a strand of Adeline’s hair behind her ear. “Do you really think your father would keep something from me?”
Of course he wouldn’t…and to think Adeline had taken great pains to dress in a simple day gown without her maid’s assistance to make herself presentable. She had even plaited her hair and left it hanging down the middle of her back. No one would question the style. She did her hair herself often enough they were accustomed to it. But none of that mattered if her father spilled her shame to her mother. “I wish he would have.”
“Do you?” Her mother frowned. “You have nothing to be embarrassed about. You took a chance and while it didn’t go as you would have liked, the important thing is that you risked your heart when you could have run away. He is the one that should be ashamed. If he were any sort of gentleman, he’d have stayed and taken responsibility for his actions.”
“He never made me any promises.” Devon made her feel better about herself without even trying to. She had always felt out of place in society. Around Devon, she didn’t notice anything but him. She never stopped to think about what was happening around her. There were a few times that they had been alone and none of that mattered, but still… He brought something out of her no one else could. “He didn’t have to stay.”
“He didn’t have to ruin you either,” her mother said. There was a harshness in her tone, but Adeline knew her mother didn’t think unfavorably toward her. She reserved that anger for Devon.
“I made my choice. You can’t blame him for everything.”
“That may be true,” she began. “But you’re my daughter and I’ll always fight for you first. I hope he realizes his mistake…for your sake. No one else knows of this, but there could be consequences that would make that moot.”
“Consequences?” Adeline lifted a brow, then gasped. She hadn’t considered… “Oh, my…” What if one night with Devon meant she’d end up a mother several months down the road. What would she do with a baby and no husband? Her mother was right. She’d be completely ruined.
“We won’t worry about that now. It might be nothing.” She hugged Adeline. “No matter what, you need to know that your father and I are here for you. This doesn’t have to change anything for you. Tell me if…” Her voice trailed off.
“I will,” she promised. Adeline would have to tell someone if she found herself enceinte. Should she tell Devon if that happened? Would he want to know if he were going to be a father? There was still so much she didn’t know about him, and she wished she had the time to discover it all.
“Good. I’m going to go reassure your father you’re not falling apart. He worries…” Her mother sighed. “He used to run a pirate ship. You would think he could handle a little emotional upheaval.”
Adeline smiled. “He doesn’t have the stomach for emotions. They have no place on a pirate ship, and he was the captain. Everyone was supposed to follow his orders.”
“This is true,” her mother said and chuckled. “You are all right, aren’t you?”
“I am truly,” she said. “But I doubt that I’ll ever willingly risk my heart again. It hurts too much.” Devon was her one love. No one else could replace him in her heart. If he couldn’t love her enough to stay and fight for her, then she didn’t need him.
“Oh, sweetie,” her mother said. There was sadness in her voice, and Adeline wished she wasn’t the cause of it. “Don’t say that. This was one hiccup in a sea of them. Don’t give up now.” She hugged her again, then stepped back to meet her gaze. “Besides your gentleman could surprise you. A lot of men run scared, and then they wise up and realize that they’re about to lose the one good thing in their life. Lord Winchester feels something for you. I dare not call it love, but there’s something there. Don’t lose hope completely.”
“I don’t know…”
“I do,” her mother said firmly. “Now go up to your chambers and rest. We have a long day ahead of us with the tree trimming and the ball. You won’t make it through it all with no sleep.”
“All right,” Adeline agreed, and left the sitting room. There was no reason to remain awake anyway, and her mother was right. It was going to be a long day. At least sleep allowed her to escape reality for a little while.
Chapter 7
Devon leaned against the side of the carriage and closed his eyes. The little bit of sleep that he’d managed while holding Addie in his arms hadn’t been nearly enough. The morning’s activities had exhausted him mentally and physically—and that didn’t take into account making love to Addie. It was everything after that…it had changed how he saw his minx. She co
uld never be his. Not really… As a maid he could have played with her until he left and that was all he’d wanted. He hadn’t come to the house party looking for anything permanent. He hadn’t really been looking for anything at all, and yet, he found Addie. She was the gift he didn’t deserve and wanted to keep, but knew he couldn’t.
“Are you going to finally explain to me what happened?” Merrifield asked. His voice was infused with exasperation and exhaustion all at once. “This all seems dramatic even for you.”
“I don’t want to dredge out all the details. Can’t you accept that I offended the duke and leave it at that?” It was unlikely that Merrifield would allow him to not divulge any of the details, but he had to try.
“I cannot and you know why.” Merrifield groaned and leaned back. “Bloody hell. You couldn’t wait until a decent hour to get the boot. What did you do that was so terrible?”
It was time to say the words he’d been avoiding since Merrifield came into Devon’s bedchamber earlier. His friend could be relentless and he had to accept that. Devon took a deep breath and then said, “I made love to his daughter.”
“Pardon me…” Merrifield sat up straight and met his gaze. He opened and closed his mouth several times. The confusion and disbelief was etched all over his face. “Can you repeat that?”
God, he didn’t want to. “I ruined his daughter.” Maybe if he said it a different way, it would penetrate Merrifield’s addled brain.
“And he didn’t murder you on the spot?” He shook his head. “I don’t understand? Just so we’re clear Lady Adeline is the one you seduced?”
His Addie… It wasn’t until that moment that he realized Merrifield had never said her name aloud before. When she introduced herself as Addie he might have made the connection. No, he wouldn’t have. He’d been too taken with her. She should have clarified who she was, and maybe that would have made a difference. “Lady Adeline Carwyn. the daughter of the Duke of Whitewood with lovely golden blond hair and deep blue eyes. Yes, that would be her.”
“But I thought you were smitten with a maid?” He couldn’t blame Merrifield for being confused. Devon had been in a constant state of confusion since he discovered her identity.
“I thought she was a maid, yes.” He sighed. “When I met her, she was all dusty and wearing an apron. They had been hanging decorations in the library.” He’d fallen for her in that moment. Devon had wanted to know more about her, and with each new thing he learned, the more he’d become enamored with her.
“I’m…” Merrifield paused. “I have no words. You were right to leave. It would have been a mistake and if you had stayed you would have ended up tied to her for the rest of your life. That would have ruined your life.”
Devon wasn’t so sure about that. He was more inclined to believe he would have ruined Addie’s life. He was not a good man, and she deserved someone worthy of her. Addie was special and wonderful. “It doesn’t matter if it would have been or not. This is the choice I made and I don’t regret it.”
“Are you certain you don’t?” Merrifield asked. “You don’t sound resigned.”
“How do I sound?” Devon wasn’t certain about anything. He believed he made the right choice. “I didn’t realize there should be a certain tone I should inflect when I speak of the scandal I created.” It was going to be another wonderful Christmas—alone. He couldn’t remember the last time he spent a holiday with anyone. It was one of the reasons he’d wanted to refuse to attend the house party. Perhaps he had sabotaged it unconsciously.
“Now you’re being churlish.” Merrifield chuckled lightly. “My friend, I say this with a heavy heart…but you fell in love with her. I still think you made the right choice in leaving, but you don’t. If you honestly love her why are you running away?”
“You know why.” Devon had lost all hope for happiness a long time ago.
“Your parents’ mistakes are not yours. Don’t let their foolishness create any more havoc on your life.” He threw up his hands. “I don’t understand how you could have fallen for Lady Adeline, but the heart wants what it wants.” The carriage came to a stop outside an inn. “We’re here, but we are not supposed to leave for a couple more days. Take the time to think about what you really want. If you truly think you and Lady Adeline are better off apart—stay here and I’ll retrieve you after I leave the duke’s estate, but if you love her I think you should fight for her. Come to the ball tonight.”
“I’ll consider it.” He wouldn’t. Devon rarely changed his mind after he made a decision, and he was unlikely to do so now. “I’ll see you in a couple days.”
“I doubt that.” Merrifield grinned. “I expect you’ll find your way back to the ball later. I’d even wager on it.” He looked far too smug for his own good, and Devon wanted to punch that grin off of his face.
“Don’t bet on a losing hand,” Devon said. He stepped out of the carriage and retrieved his trunk, then went into the inn. He had no intention of returning and claiming Adeline as his own. No matter how much he wanted to…
Devon stared at the ceiling of his room at the inn. He’d been in luck and they had a room available. Most people were home with their families for the holidays. He felt a little bad having to stay at the inn and making them work when they normally wouldn’t have to. He was a horrible person, and that wasn’t the first time he thought in the past several hours.
Guilt overwhelmed him and it grew exponentially with each passing moment. Was Merrifield right? Should he go to the ball and get on his knees before Addie and beg her to marry him? Would that make the guilt go away or would it make it all worse? Devon didn’t know what he should do, and he ached in places he didn’t know he had inside of him.
Maybe if he ate something, he’d feel better. Which sounded stupid, but he had to do something. He was going a little crazy on his own, and he didn’t understand why. This wasn’t the first time he’d been on his own. He was actually quite accustomed to it.
Devon left his room and went down to the main room. It was empty. That didn’t surprise him, but he thought someone would be around. Could he even order anything to eat? He turned around and considered going back to his room. He deserved to starve anyway.
“Can I help you, my lord?” a woman asked.
He turned toward the sound of her voice. She had dark hair streaked with silver and hazel eyes. Her clothes were a little threadbare, and she was on the thin side. Looking at her made him slightly uncomfortable. “I had hoped to find something to eat.”
“We have a nice mutton stew if that will satisfy your needs,” she said. The woman turned her head to the side. “If you don’t mind me saying…you look a little rough around the edges. Are you all right?”
Devon feared he’d never be all right again. “Mutton Stew is fine.” He didn’t know how to respond to her assessment of his appearance.
“I’ll have one of the girls bring it out.” She paused and glanced at him. “Unless you prefer it be brought to your room.”
“No,” he said after a moment of thought. “I’d prefer to eat here.”
He sat down at a table and waited for her to bring him his stew. A younger girl came out with it along with a pint of ale and a chunk of bread. It was a simple meal, but he didn’t mind that. The girl set it on the table before him. “Will there be anything else my lord?”
“No thank you,” he said. “This is perfect.”
With those words, she left him alone to enjoy his meal. He dipped the bread into the stew and took a bite. It was good. Perhaps the best mutton stew he’d ever eaten. After he finished, he pushed the empty bowl to the side and lifted the ale up and sipped it. He didn’t much care for ale, but he didn’t mind it once in a while.
“Not to your liking is it?” Devon didn’t like how much the older woman saw right through him. He never believed he was that obvious, but she cut through him like a hot knife slicing butter.
“The stew was wonderful,” he told her.
“I’m not talking about
the stew.” She said and pulled out a chair to sit with him. She gestured toward the ale. “It’s not your fancy brandy.”
“I don’t like brandy that much either,” he admitted. He had a love hate relationship with spirts…mostly hate. It had to do with how his father died. “But I do still drink it upon occasion.” He had nights where he’d imbibed too much celebrating with his friends. But the taste had never appealed to him. “Why do you think I appear…rough?” He might regret asking her, but he had to know.
“That may not be the best description.” She tilted her head to the side and studied him. “You’re full of uncertainty.” Her words were cryptic, but strangely on point.
She was not wrong. He had been full of doubt since he left the duke’s estate. Merrifield had given him a lot to consider as well. “I may be.” He didn’t like admitting that aloud, but he didn’t know what to do. Perhaps talking to a stranger would help him sort through his feelings.
The woman chuckled. “Even in this you’re conflicted. You don’t know which way to turn.” She shook her head. “I can only tell you this… follow your heart. If you ignore what is inside of it, then you’ll only find misery, but if you follow your deepest desire, you should find happiness. Don’t ignore what is right in front of you.”
She was right. “So I should return.” That’s what he thought she was suggesting, but he had to clarify. In the past several hours, he’d done some rather foolish things…
“I don’t know of what you speak,” she said. Her lips tilted upward into a smile. “But if you left your heart behind, you best retrieve it.” With those words, she stood and left him alone.
Devon didn’t stay in the main room of the inn long. He hopped to his feet and went to his room, then prepared for a long walk in the snow. He had no other way to reach the duke’s estate. He had been a fool to leave Adeline behind. Hopefully, it would not be too late and she would forgive him for being a complete arse. He loved her and he had to tell her that. Even if she kicked him out of the house and her father gutted him for returning. The risk was worth it. He should have listened to her when she told him she loved him. But he’d been foolish and run away. He could only pray that he wasn’t too late to tell her he loved her too…