by Snow, Jenika
“We just got drunk?” She mirrored my response but phrased it like a question. “Just two friends banging?” She laughed awkwardly. “Devon, we did stuff that can’t be taken back. We did things that changes our friendship.”
I was already shaking my head before she stopped speaking. “Leila, it doesn’t have to change anything.” That was a fucking lie, but right now, I needed to reassure her that I was still here, not going anywhere, and that her being comfortable and happy was my very first priority. “I don’t regret what we did,” I said, letting the words play out. “I love you more than anybody else.” I’m in love with you. “And I see it as us sharing another piece of ourselves with each other. Things happened that can’t be taken back, but that doesn’t mean we can’t move forward.” All of that was true, but I meant it on a whole other level, a level I wasn’t ready to reveal to her yet in fear I’d push her away even more.
“I love you too, Devon, but this whole situation… it’s just uncomfortable.” She cleared her throat and shifted on the chair.
She still ran her fingers along the glass, smearing condensation. Her focus was on the lemonade, and I just wanted to reach out and take her hand, hold it in mine, and tell her this didn’t have to ruin what we had.
“I just need time,” she finally said after a prolonged moment of silence. She lifted her eyes to look at me then. “Can you give me that?”
Everything in my body roared out, No! I didn’t want more time away from her. I was slowly dying inside to be near her. But I kept that all to myself.
At the end of the day, I could give her whatever she needed, even if it pained me more than anything else in the fucking world.
More silence passed, and I knew she wouldn’t be able to get past this right now. This affected her far more greatly than I anticipated. But that gave me hope. Because surely if she felt nothing more for me than just being friends, this wouldn’t eat at her so much?
That was what I hoped for, at least, that by the end of all of this, when the turmoil and stress of the situation finally lifted, she could see what was right in front of her eyes.
That we were meant for each other.
11
Leila
It had been hours since Devon left, since we had the talk I’d been dreading. It hadn’t been awful, but it had been just as uncomfortable as I imagined. But it had been needed, and I was glad it was done and over with. I just wished I had someone I was close with, a girlfriend or even my own mother, who I could talk to about this.
And I did. That one person was Devon, but clearly that wasn’t going to happen because of… everything.
I exhaled and rested my elbows on the dining room table. My roommate was gone for the night, staying with her boyfriend. She was gone with him more than she was here, and right now, I wished she was here to talk to. Even if we weren’t close, not really even friends but acquaintances that had a mutual agreement living together, it would have been nice to have the company.
I stared at my cell that rested on the table. I reached for it numerous times, so close to calling my mom. I just wanted to go somewhere, anywhere. On top of this whole Devon situation, I was jobless and knew the little money I saved up would only last me a few months tops. And even if my roommate was a nice person, she couldn’t carry my weight when the money ran out. It wasn’t fair to even ask her of that.
So if I didn’t get a job soon, there was no way I could stay here, which meant my only other option was moving back in with my parents.
I groaned at that thought. Yeah, that was absolutely the last thing I wanted to do. Visiting them was one thing, because I knew I could leave.
“What am I going to do?” I whispered and rested my head in my hands, feeling sorry for myself.
Get your shit together; that’s what you do.
I straightened in the chair and knew I had to start adulting. So, first things first. Find a job so I didn’t have to move back in with my parents. After that, I’d worry about the Devon situation.
And in the meantime, I’d pray more shit didn’t hit the fan.
12
Devon
The next day
I shouldn’t have gone to his house, but after everything that had gone down with Leila and what she told me, I knew she was putting distance between us because of that one night, and I was feeling volatile.
And because I was feeling so violent at the moment, all I could keep thinking about was what this fucker had done to her, how he’d made her feel.
I cut the engine and curled my hands on the steering wheel, the leather creaking from the force. I stared at his house, a small ranch-style one with a beat-up pick-up truck in the driveway.
The garage door was open, and I could hear muffled music coming from it. Although the interior was shadowy from this position, I could make out a cooler close to the opening of the garage, the lid propped open, empty beer cans scattered around the base of it.
Although I couldn’t make him out clearly, I could see his shadowy form moving around in there. And it pissed me off even more.
This was a bad idea, me coming over here. Because I knew this wouldn’t be anything but a violent encounter. I wasn’t kidding myself into thinking if things hadn’t gone down the way they had with Leila and me, this encounter would’ve been more amicable. I still probably would’ve kicked his ass, but more so now, because I was pissed off how everything happened, and I was going to take it out on this fucker.
I climbed out of the car and shut the door, not even thinking coherently enough to try to talk myself out of this. When I was at the garage, I could see him fully, and I felt that rage increase tenfold. I’d known men like him my whole life.
They were assholes who thought they could get what they wanted because they had a modicum of power. They tried to take what wasn’t theirs, and when they were up against a roadblock, they dealt with it the only way they knew how.
They got rid of the problem.
This growl left me, and I hadn’t realized it until it echoed in the garage, louder than the shitty music he was currently listening to. He looked over his shoulder, and I could see a second of surprise before the confusion settled in. He set the tools he’d been holding on the counter, the metal clanging together, to face me fully.
“Can I help you?” He had an edge to his voice, as if I already pissed him off just by showing up unannounced. He was about to get a whole lot angrier with me.
In fact, I was hoping that was the outcome, wishing he’d go up against me and not be a little bitch and take the coward route.
“You Logan Frank who works at Township Mutual?” It was easy enough to find the asshole, his address, phone number, and full name publicly listed, an easy internet search.
I flexed my fingers, curling them into my palm and making a fist before relaxing them, doing that over and over again. He took a couple steps forward, his body tight after I asked the question.
“Who wants to know?” His voice had gone dangerously low, and I could tell he was trying to be intimidating, puffing out his chest and deepening his voice. This guy was a Grade-A prick.
I was going to hand his ass to him on a platter today.
I took a couple steps forward, making my way into his garage, the shadows surrounding both of us now. We were about five feet from each other, and I could practically smell the testosterone and aggression pouring off him. “You fired Leila Cross the other day.”
His brows knitted as if in confusion, but then I saw a little bit of realization on his smug fucking face.
“Who the fuck are you?”
I didn’t bother answering. It didn’t matter who I was.
“I think you need to get off my fucking property.” I saw the hesitation and uncertainty come from him now as he shifted on his feet.
I took a step forward. He took one back.
“You fired her because she wouldn’t put out?” Although I phrased it like a question, I didn’t expect an answer. “Not only is that illegal and unethical,
but you put my girl in a bad fucking position and mood. And in turn, that pissed me off.”
His throat worked as he swallowed, his fear tangible now. “There’s some kind of misunderstanding.”
I lifted a brow. “Yeah?” I wasn’t interested in hearing what he had to say.
There was a moment of silence between us, and I could see he was working things out in his mind, maybe trying to figure out what to say, how to defuse the situation. I knew for a fact that I was throwing off some heavy aggression.
I couldn’t help it. I was frustrated with how things were between Leila and me, already pissed about this fucker, and so he was getting my full wrath.
“She couldn’t do her job properly,” he said, and there was that smug-ass tone in his voice again. “I have to think what’s best for the company, so she had to be let go.”
I saw red then, my vision blurring, everything inside me becoming almost inhuman as my rage took over. I didn’t stop myself, couldn’t, as I stepped forward so I was now face-to-face with him, looking down at the asshole, really letting him see the anger that poured from me.
He took a step back, and I could see the honest-to-God fear in his eyes. Good. I wanted this fucker to piss his pants.
“It’s not my problem if she can’t do her job correct—”
I didn’t even let him finish as I reared my arm back and brought my fist to the side of his face, clocking him right in the jaw. His entire body spun to the side, his head jerking in the other direction from the force. He stumbled back and slammed into his workbench, a couple tools falling off the rack that was tacked to the wall.
“What the fuck?” He gripped the side of his face, and I could see his lip was split, blood starting to cover his white teeth. “You’re fucking insane.”
I took another step toward him, and he straightened. “I’m actually the sanest I’ve been in my entire fucking life. You’re lucky I’m stopping with that one hit,” I growled out. “I’m not even going to tell you to give Leila her job back, because I don’t want her working with a prick like you, but if I find out you pulled this shit with any other women, I’ll hunt you down and make sure I put you in the hospital.” I bared my teeth at him, wanting to really kick his ass, but I could see on his face he got the message. “And I know where you live, so just keep that in mind every day when you go to fucking work.”
With that, I turned and laughed, my knuckles throbbing from the impact of the hit, but that pain gave me a massive sense of satisfaction and pleasure. I might have solved this one problem, or at least leveled things out, but now I had to work on fixing things with Leila.
Because that was the most important thing.
13
Several weeks later
Leila
Several weeks later
“Leila Cross.”
My heart raced as my name was called. I glanced up at the nurse who stood in the doorway, a folder in her hand, her focus on me. I gave her what was no doubt an awkward smile before standing and making my way toward her on shaky legs.
After I was weighed, my height taken, and vitals recorded, she left me in the room and told me the doctor would be in momentarily.
I looked around, seeing the posters on the wall featuring the female anatomy, a picture of a pregnant woman, and information regarding mammograms. I’d been in plenty of doctor offices before and came yearly for my annual.
This wasn’t anything new, but this definitely felt different.
This was different.
Over the last month or so, things had still been just as weird between Devon and me, and I knew it was all on my side. Although I spoke to him on the phone, couldn’t avoid him completely, totally, things were just… strange. I couldn’t get past what we’d done, how he made me feel that night.
I’d been trying to wrap my brain around all this, how I wish I could be like him and just say it was something that happened and move on. But it wasn’t like that for me. I was in love with him and couldn’t even tell him. If he could push past this so easily, blame it on the alcohol, then it was clear he didn’t feel a fraction for me what I did for him.
He loved me, I knew that, but loving someone was not the same as being in love with them.
We still communicated, but it wasn’t the same. Things were most definitely different, and I could see on his face and hear in his voice he was very aware of that reality.
And now there was this reality to deal with on top of everything.
A few minutes later, the doctor came in, sat in the chair across from me, and gave me a warm smile. I shifted on the table, the paper beneath me crinkling and seeming obscenely loud.
“So, what brings you in today?”
I knew she was aware of why I was here. The nurse had asked the same thing then typed it out in the computer. The doctor would have read that before coming in. But still, she was opening up the dialogue.
“I took a home pregnancy test and just wanted to make sure it was... accurate.” I smoothed my hands down my legs, which were covered by another piece of thin paper.
The nurse had made me get undressed from the waist down, since she said the doctor would probably want to do an exam.
“And you had a positive pregnancy test?” she asked, and I licked my lips and nodded, continuously rubbing my hands up and down my thighs, the paper that covered my lower half growing damp from my sweat. “I—I don’t know how accurate those things are. Figured I might as well come here and make sure it was… real.” I still couldn’t even wrap my brain around all this.
Me, pregnant? And on top of that, with Devon’s baby?
“I’m so out of my element here,” I whispered, not meaning to say those words out loud, but they spilled forth and now hung between the doctor and me.
I pulled my head up to see the doctor staring at me with kind eyes.
“It’ll be okay,” she said softly and gave me another warm smile. “We have resources, people you can talk to. You have options.”
I didn’t know what that meant. But despite my fear, despite the turbulent emotions moving through me, I knew one thing for certain.
I wanted to keep this baby more than anything I ever wanted in my entire life.
Even if this ruined things between Devon and me, even if we were no longer friends because of this, because of this wall, this heavy space now lodged between us, I would still keep this baby. I already loved this baby.
I placed my hand on my belly before I could stop myself, this tiny life growing inside me, the one who was half of the man I loved.
“When was your last menstrual cycle?”
I looked down at the ground and thought. I was awful at keeping track, and as I started to do a mental countdown, thinking back to when I had it last, I finally lifted my gaze to her.
“I’m not sure. My periods have always been so irregular. I’m about two weeks late, though.” There was a pause. “Maybe six weeks ago?” She started typing in her computer, but there was no judgment in the way she looked at me.
I thought back to why I even contemplated pregnancy being a possibility. Not counting that I had unprotected sex with Devon, the sore, heavy-feeling breasts and all-day nausea had told me maybe, just maybe, there was something more going on.
“I’d like to do an internal ultrasound. That can give us a better idea of how far along you are, since you’re not sure and you have a history of irregular periods.”
I nodded slowly and licked my lips again.
After she was finished typing, she stood and walked over to the door before looking over her shoulder and saying, “I’ll be back in just a moment.”
I gave her another nod, but I felt like that agreement didn’t really quite reach me, didn’t seem very genuine. I was so uncertain right now, everything confusing, that I felt like I wasn’t even myself, that I was living someone else’s life. She only left me alone for about five minutes before she came back in, wheeling behind her what I assumed was an ultrasound machine.
After I wa
s situated where she wanted me, the lights turned out, the monitor on, I held my breath and let her do her thing. Long moments of silence passed as I stared at the ultrasound screen. I couldn’t even explain or describe what I was seeing. It was mainly shades ranging between black, gray, and white, shapes and lines that made absolutely no sense to me.
“Right there,” she finally said and pointed to the screen.
I squinted but couldn’t make out exactly what I was looking at.
“Your baby.”
My heart was racing double time. “It doesn’t look like a baby.”
She glanced at me and gave me a smile. “You’re very early. See here.” She pointed to a spot on the screen. “That’s the yolk sac.”
I heard a buzzing, wheezing sound, and then it was over. She helped to clean me up and turned the light on. I sat up and adjusted the paper covering my lower half.
“It’s hard to get an accurate due date at this early stage, but you’re measuring about five weeks along.” She reached over to the machine and grabbed a three-by-five piece of paper. She handed it over, and I realized it was a picture of the baby.
I just stared down at it, and she must’ve thought I was in shock, because she pointed at an image in the center. “That’s your baby,” she said again.
I didn’t know what to say, what to think as I looked down at that image, and reality was really setting in. It certainly didn’t look like a baby, but five weeks along? My life had just turned upside down.
After she left me alone to get dressed, I just sat there, mulling over my thoughts, wondering what I was going to do. I wouldn’t keep this from Devon. I’d never do that. He had every right to this baby as I did. But how did I broach the subject?
I already made things so horribly awkward by trying to avoid him at all costs. And aside from the one interaction we’d when he showed up at my house, I’d successfully kept distance between us.