Magic Tools That
Build Confidence
Chapter 4 offers you a variety of confidence-building strategies. You will become skilled at setting boundaries, at improving your communication skills, and at discovering what you really need in a partner. As you read this chapter, note some tools that you would like to try out. Then practice. As soon as you feel more confident about yourself, you will be ready to share love with an emotionally available partner.
Day 91
Setting Boundaries
I set boundaries.
Although setting limits is often a new experience for women, boundaries are useful tools that protect us. An example of a boundary is when one woman told her partner that she was not available to take calls after 10pm. When she clearly defined where she began and ended, everyone benefited. Her partner was happy to call her before her cut-off time. Like her, we help others when we set boundaries. People want us to feel comfortable. The limits we set protect us from second guessing, too. Then we don’t wish we had done something different.
The stumbling blocks to boundaries only pop up when we expect another person to respect our boundary while we ourselves do not. For example, another woman told her new romantic interest that she was working on a project and wouldn’t be able to talk to him via the telephone for two weeks. Then one night she called him. Happy to hear from her, he responded. They talked for a long time and the woman later blamed the incident on him. This is not OK.
Along with setting boundaries comes the added responsibility of maintaining our own boundaries. If we decide we want to re-negotiate a boundary with our partner that is always fine; however, we ourselves must do the work to initiate the boundary’s renegotiation with someone. This woman’s solution was to call him and say, “I miss you, but I can only talk for five minutes.” He was happy to respect her limit. Today we take responsibility for ourselves within the partnership by setting and re-negotiating boundaries.
Today I set limits in my relationship.
Day 92
Communication
I have the skills to tell my partner what is up.
“Practice makes perfect.”―Anonymous
Even though women are trained in our culture to be effective communicators, we may feel we missed some essential classes preparing us for communicating in intimate relationships. The fact is that we need to evaluate our own skill level in communicating with others. We may lack some essential relationship skills, we may be trying to communicate with someone incapable of hearing us, or our timing may be off.
Whatever the glitch, when we have gathered significant information about our present abilities in intimate communication, we affirm that where we are today is just fine. From this place of acceptance, we observe what works for other women; perhaps add some new methods to our skill set, and practice! (See the Bibliography for resources on improving communication.)
For the next 24 hours, I know that I possess all the skills I need to communicate effectively with my partner.
Day 93
Self-Talk
I tell my inner child that she is precious
The inner child in us needs a loving parent. She is playful, bright, adorable, precious, vulnerable, and loving. Many of us had to struggle to survive when we were children. We may have had familial or financial crises to deal with as we grew up. Because we were dealing with more pressing problems, we didn’t often daydream about partnership. Today, however, we are adults who are safe. We can now daydream about what we want in a partner. We also have the honor of self-parenting with care. We can get closer to that small, sacred part of us by connecting lovingly with our inner child.
Self-talk is a wonderful tool to connect with this special part of ourselves. As we get closer to that tender part of us, we are no longer able to expose her to relationships that are unsatisfying and often even harmful. She knows exactly who and what she needs in a partner. She is waiting patiently to tell us. When we have a strong dialogue going with the child inside us, then we are connected with that still, small, honest part of us—the child inside.
Today I shower my inner child with love, attention, and care.
Day 94
Meditation
I sit quietly and meditate.
The daily practice of meditation helps us connect to the power of love in the universe. By getting quiet and still, we get closer to our own wisdom―the wisdom deep inside of us. Meditation is practiced in many ways. For beginners it is good to have a teacher to help guide us. Meditation teachers can be found in the local phone book or on the internet. As we practice meditation, we learn that many thoughts float in and out of our minds all the time. We find that the chance to sit quietly and pay attention is invaluable. The most important thing is to not get distracted by the thoughts coming and going. When we notice ourselves thinking, we gently return our focus to the breath or to another steady rhythm such as a mantra repeated over and over. Meditating with a group is good. Meditating with a partner is a wonderful experience as well.
Also, meditation has several benefits: it helps us to get grounded in love before speaking with our partner when we have been challenged in our relationship, it keeps us looking years younger when practiced consistently, and it helps us to love ourselves more powerfully. Whatever way we engage in meditation, the practice itself heals us.
Today I practice meditation for fun.
Day 95
Humor
I maintain a sense of humor.
Keeping a sense of humor is perhaps the most important ingredient to our success. We may experience a lot of pain as we look at all the reasons for our difficult relationships, and interact with potential partners in new ways which are uncomfortable for us. Our humor can lift us out of the challenges with partnership, though. Humor helps us remember that “this too shall pass.” Laughter is the best medicine. Playful, gentle humor works wonders.
Today let’s remember that we are not alone in this process. Many brave women are healing. With a wonderful sense of humor about our journey, we are healing too!
Today I let my sense of humor pull me through.
Day 96
Discriminating Wisdom
I discriminate wisely with potential partners.
Discriminating Wisdom is a Buddhist term that describes the recovery of our own inherent wisdom. It is an opportunity to discriminate and decide who is right for us. The key elements in Discriminating Wisdom are our intentions. Intention fixes the mind on some purpose or goal with a person. Our intention initiates our verbal and physical actions. When our intention is supported by the attitude of love, rather than the attitude of manipulation, then we discriminate wisely with people.
New intentions with people arise all the time, though, so the only way we give our lives direction is through Discriminating Wisdom. When we know the actions that lead to happy experiences with others and the pitfalls of behavior that will lead to our unhappiness, then we are open to an emotionally available individual. Every interaction we have with potential partners lets us watch for the intention behind our action. As we interact, we see the effect it has on our relationship. Today freedom from suffering in relationships means that we act with love, compassion, and wisdom for ourselves and for our partner. Now we discriminate wisely.
I use Discriminating Wisdom to make my relationship choices today.
Day 97
Stop Signals
I listen to my own answers and stop.
Emotional availability knows there will always be a new love experience waiting to refill us when we need it. Love is everything; the whole universe is love. Love doesn’t just come from our partner. We have much love to give as well as to receive; however, our partnership issues make us want to hoard. We think we need to get as much as we can in relationships as fast as possible. We are afraid to let go of another person. We fear we may not ever be as full of love for them again as we are right now.
When we are full of love for our partner, it takes great courage to stop and
let go a little. With practice, though, we see that stopping when we are full allows us more opportunities to experience our desires. Taking a baby step back from our love lets us refill ourselves anytime. Then we experience the magic of feeling our desire well up! Today we heed our own stop signals for fun and pleasure.
Today I know there will be a fresh new love experience waiting for me as soon as I feel my desire for my partner surface again.
Day 98
Attraction
I can attract a wonderful, loving, non-abusive, available partner.
Believing we deserve a wonderful person in our lives is often the most challenging part of healing our partnership issues. Most people have to deal with raising their low self-esteem. We are no exception. When we choose an unavailable partner, we are being signaled that we do not feel deserving.
In order to raise our self-esteem, many women on our journey have found self-hypnotism, written affirmations, prayer, and meditation effective methods for believing that we can attract an available life-mate. The next step, which may be even more challenging, entails believing that we can be attracted to, can want, and are ready to let in a loving, wonderful, and non-abusive partner.
No matter how hard it is, now we reform our beliefs. As soon as we believe we are ready for a wonderful individual, the universe creates the circumstances so that they appear in our lives. Today we know that this is the perfect day to affirm our desire for an available person.
Today I am eager and ready to accept a wonderful person in my life.
Day 99
Speaking Up
I am active about speaking up when I have something to say.
Speak up! Say what you feel! Ask for what you need! Too often women in our society are told to keep silent about our needs, feelings, and opinions. Not speaking up often leaves other people frustrated and guessing, though. When they guess wrong, everyone is unhappy. People aren’t mind readers; it is unfair to expect them to know what we need.
Emotional availability is about speaking up and letting the other person see who we are when we are unsure of the response. Our needs won’t always be met when we have something to say; however, today we take the risk of speaking up. We courageously let another person see us.
For today I actively speak up if I have something to say.
Day 100
Wish Lists
I honor my list of the qualities I need in a partner.
“Any lawyer in this town will tell you he meets every one of your criteria in a partner.”―Marilyn
Women often have a wish list of the partner we want. We crave the status symbols associated with relationships: the fine house, the two incomes, and the 1.5 children. It is good to have a list of what we want in a partner; however, we may be disappointed if we expect to get all of it, all the time, from any one person. That’s why creating a list of all the characteristics we consider non-negotiable in a person is vital to healing. Examples include being unattached, being honest, and being financially stable. A list of “negotiables” (whatever we want in a partner, yet isn’t essential) can also be helpful. Using these lists when dating or when in relationships assists us in seeing if a person meets our criteria.
In the end, though, we know that no one can meet all of them all the time. As we progress with an individual, we discern what we can live with in our partner with fearless honesty. Sometimes we use an objective helper like a trusted friend or therapist to get clarity. Then, even more importantly, we strive to be the person on our lists—because like attracts like.
Today I honor my lists of “non-negotiables” and “negotiables” when I am with a potential partner.
Day 101
Enmeshment
I unwrap and untwist from my partner.
Enmeshment is like being ensnared in a net, all tangled and helpless. Now whenever we are tempted to intertwine with our partner, we realize that we are not taking care of our own lives. Today unhooking from our partner gives us the chance to tend to ourselves. We trust our partner to manage their own affairs; however, when we see our partner in pain it is natural to want to help them. This is where the process of healing has an important lesson for us. Our healing teaches us that although it may look like our solutions will help our partner, our ways most often do not work.
Today we know that trusting others to figure out what they need allows us to unwrap and untwist from our partner. This type of detachment enables us to truly be helpful to ourselves and to someone we love. Now we bravely make a decision not enmesh with our partner.
Today I let go and keep the focus on myself.
Day 102
Needs
I can get what I need from people.
Opening up to an emotionally available partner means sharing ourselves and our vulnerabilities. We do this when safe sharing is appropriate. Because we often associate needing with neediness, though, letting people know that we have needs can be scary. What many of us forget is that relationships are about give and take. When we believe we can get our needs met, we ask for what we need. Then we see that many people are capable of meeting our needs. If we don’t ask, we definitely won’t get our needs met.
Appropriately asking for others to help meet our needs benefits others too. When we ask for help, it gives others the power to help us. People have a lot of offer us; human beings are infinitely rich. Now we learn that letting other people in takes practice and courage, but we get better every time we reach out for help.
For the next 24 hrs, I get what I need from people.
Day 103
Passion
I find and express my creative passions.
Part of the desire to find “The One” is to give our lives meaning. We may believe that a partner will give us a purpose, children, a home, and a dog. In the meantime, though, we are forgetting our amazing, miraculous, spiritual abilities. We lose sight of the fact that we have a reason for being on this planet.
In our society it is easy to get distracted from what brings us alive. We are all encouraged by cultural mores to follow the rules and play the game. Women are particularly targeted if we don’t conform to society’s expectations; however, now we know that our creativity also needs to come out. We are passionate, creative individuals who have something to say that our world desperately needs to hear. Our relationship challenges will hold on until we figure out our purpose. The issues will pop up until we reclaim our creativity and passion. Now we know that expressing ourselves is what this work is all about. Today we search for our light.
I am creative and passionate right now, with or without a partner in my life.
Day 104
Energy
I keep my energetic boundaries.
Women’s energy is precious. In fact, energy equals power. When people want our attention, when we feel stared at, and when we sense that others want to feed off our energy, we have the opportunity to maintain our own power. Now we no longer give it away indiscriminately.
As we heal, we learn that simple, unobtrusive postures contain energy that we do not want to give away. Crossing our legs at the ankle, putting our hands together with the thumbs touching, and imagining ourselves surrounded by an invisible shield are all ways to appropriately maintain our energy. Today we decide who we share our power with. We keep our energetic boundaries.
Today I know I have the right to contain my energy if I want to.
Day 105
Gratitude
I practice gratitude.
“Whenever I get really upset, as soon as I calm down a little, I get out a sheet of paper and write a list of all the blessings in my life. I am usually amazed by how long it is.”―Luisa
Whenever we feel down we can quickly make a list of all the blessings in our lives. Friends, the chance to heal, having all our limbs intact, the opportunity to listen to our partnership issues, the ability to hear what these issues are telling us, and indoor plumbing are just a few ideas to begin. It is a pleasurable experience to generate a gratitude list
about how lucky we are to be living right now in this moment.
Whenever we feel down, gratitude takes us off the “pity pot.” It put us on the road to true healing. Also gratitude feels good. Anytime pain threatens to overtake us as we heal our issues, we know that gratitude moves us toward an emotionally available partner.
Today I practice gratitude.
Day 106
Identity
I maintain my own identity in a relationship.
If we saw our mothers or other significant women in our lives making their partners the center of their universes, it is hard to know that we deserve to maintain our own separate identity when in a relationship. Fear of getting swallowed by someone who is available, and fear of having their life and passions become ours, can stop us in our tracks.
Emotional availability knows that balance is absolutely essential in relationships. Looking around today at successful partnerships, we notice that both partners maintain their own identity. They are not consumed by the relationship. Now, we identify a chameleon-like desire to merge with an individual as a good indication that we are stuck in our issues. At that moment we gently turn our attention inward. We do all the work necessary to discover ourselves. We are not our mothers. We do not have to repeat any behavior that we feel is less than healthy. Instead we maintain our own lives.
Today I maintain and nurture my own separate identity when in relationship with a partner.
Day 107
My Body
I love my body.
Women often have very complicated relationships with our bodies. We are bombarded every day with images of the “ideal” feminine body—a body type that is unrealistic for all but 10% of the female population. The female body around potential partners becomes even more problematic when we date. We are taught that we must have a good body to attract a partner; however, healing is about honoring our whole self. Freedom means that we no longer objectify ourselves.
The Emotionally Available Partner Page 7