"Lieutenant Suiza was totally unprofessional; you have my—Fleet's—apology . . ."
"Never mind that. She was rude, yes, but she made it clear I will never be accepted on my own merits. And I'm placing an undue burden on your staff, trying to keep me safe. I'm resigning my place, or whatever you call it."
"Does your father know?"
She could have slugged him, but his question was another proof that she was right. "I am informing him by ansible transmission this morning, sir, as soon as public hours open. I plan to take Fleet transport to the nearest civilian transport nexus—" She could not think of the name. "I will probably lease a vessel from there."
"You need not hurry . . ."
"I would rather be gone before the field exercise is over," Brun said. She was determined not to see Esmay Suiza again. Or Barin Serrano, for that matter—she could just imagine what his grandmother would say.
"I see." His lips compressed. "Again, while I think your decision is probably best under the circumstances, you have my assurance that Lieutenant Suiza's behavior will not go without official rebuke."
Exhaustion rolled over her suddenly like a heavy blanket. She didn't care about Lieutenant Suiza; she just wanted to be away from these people with their punctilious rules, their unbending righteousness.
"I will cooperate with all necessary procedures," Brun said, pushing herself up. What she really wanted was a week's sleep; she could get that once she left this miserable place. She put on her public persona to get through the remaining hours; she smiled at the right time, shook the right hands, murmured the right pleasantries, assured everyone that she had taken no offense, harbored no grievances, had simply come to the conclusion that this was not right for her.
By nightfall, her father had replied to her request that he send his personal militia to replace the Royal Space Service security when she reached civilian space. He had agreed—with what enthusiasm she could not judge—to her plan of spending a few months visiting relatives and business contacts before returning to Sirialis for the opening of the hunting season. At local midnight, she boarded the shuttle offplanet . . . and hoped that Esmay Suiza was having a miserable time, wherever she was.
Thirty hours into the field exercise, Esmay wondered why she had ever thought this was a good idea for an elective. She had led her team safely through the first third of the course; they had spotted and evaded a number of traps. But they were hungry, thirsty and tired now, and she was fresh out of ideas. Ahead lay grassland—just grassland—to the line of fence that represented safety. They hadn't been spotted in the broken ground, but out there they couldn't hide—and it was too great a distance to cross in a rush. If they stayed where they were, they'd probably be found, and anyway they wouldn't get the extra points for getting to the safehold.
"A tunnel would be handy," Taras said.
She was right, of course, but why were her good ideas so impractical?
"I don't suppose we could find an animal burrow?"
"I doubt it." Briefing had said the native animals were all under five kilos. Of course, briefing had left a lot out. Esmay held them all where they were until dusk, then they began a slow, careful crawl through the grass toward the fenceline.
The hood cut off sight instantly; she struck out uselessly, knowing it was useless. Her blows fell on air, but the blows aimed at her landed . . . knocked her sideways, back, sideways again, until she finally fell, her head slamming into a hummock she had not been able to see. She tasted blood; she'd bitten her tongue in that fall. Before she could react, the assailants grabbed arms and legs, and in seconds she was immobilized like a calf for branding.
Had it been like this for Barin? No, for him it had been real . . . but the harsh voice that promised pain was real now, too. A fist grabbed her hair through the hood, and yanked her head back.
Think of something else, Barin had said. It does help, though you don't believe it at the time. That was in the manual, too, so others had found it useful. As she felt rough hands on the fastening of her clothes, and the cold edge of a blade, and then the tug as her clothes were cut away, her mind slid back toward that other time, in childhood.
No. She would not go there. She would think of something that made her feel strong.
What came into her head was the argument with Brun. In her head, in this pain-filled dark, she could think of much more to say than she had said. As the hours passed—hours she could not count—she elaborated on the argument and its causes, all the way back to that first meeting with Brun, and imagined herself and Brun and Barin. What each said, what each was thinking, what each thought the other was thinking. The verbal assaults of her captors became the things Brun had said, or would have said if she'd thought of them. The blows they dealt were the blows Brun would have dealt if she had dared fight openly.
But in the story she was telling herself, she gave as good as she got—better, in fact. For Brun's attacks, she now had the right counterattacks. For Brun's invincible arrogance, she now had a response that brought Brun to her knees, that forced her to acknowledge Esmay's position, skills, knowedge . . . In her mind, at least, she could triumph.
She was vaguely conscious that her captors were considerably annoyed with her for some reason, but nothing mattered as much as Brun's appropriation of Barin, and her own determination to defend—not territory, exactly, but her chance at—
As suddenly as it began, it ended. She didn't notice at first, though as she came back to real space and time, she was aware that her mind had noticed, and had begun pulling her back from the story she'd been writing in her mind. She felt the cool blunt snout of a hypospray against her arm, then a wave of returning clarity. When she opened her eyes, a medic smiled at her, and gave the code phrase that meant the exercise was over. And Lieutenant Commander Uhlis, looking no grimmer than usual, reached out a hand to help her up.
"Suiza, you're tougher than I thought. Whatever you were doing inside your head worked—keep it in mind in case you need it."
She felt shaky when she stood, and only then noticed that her hands were bandaged. He nodded at them. "You'll need an hour or so in the regen tank. The team kept thinking they could get to you in just another little bit. But it's all within regs." Now she could feel the pain, working its way past the restorative drug. Uhlis put out his arm again. "Better take hold—we'll get you into the transport. You're the last here—"
"The team?" she asked.
"You all passed," he said. "Even Taras. I don't know how you got her through it, but you did."
"She did," Esmay said. She felt distinctly odd, with the combination of stimulant and residual imagination, but managed not to throw up or fall down. Once in the transport, she tried to let herself relax, but she couldn't quite. It could still be a trick . . . it could still be . . .
She woke briefly back at the base, when the medics were easing her into the regen tank; one glimpse of her hands was enough. She didn't fight the sedative they gave her, but slid into unconsciousness.
By the time she got back to her quarters, she was more than ready for solitude and sleep. The pain was gone, and there were no visible bruises, but her body insisted that something traumatic had happened. The medics said she'd feel much better in the morning, that tank healing often left people feeling slightly disoriented and peculiar.
She had just decided not to bother with undressing, when her comunit chimed.
"The Commandant wishes to see you at your earliest convenience," the voice in her ear said. "He will expect you within ten minutes."
She tried to shake herself awake, staggered into the shower, and into a clean uniform. What could the Commandant possibly want? Some administrative matter, no doubt, but why the hurry?
Chapter Five
The Commandant did not look as if this were just an administrative matter. Esmay came to attention and waited. Finally he spoke.
"I understand you had an . . . er . . . disagreement with the Speaker's daughter, Brun Meager."
As if
she didn't know who it was; as if she did not know with whom she had quarrelled. And could this be what it was about? A simple quarrel?
"Yes, sir."
"The . . . er . . . surveillance recordings indicate that you criticized Sera Meager on grounds of her moral failings . . ."
"Sir." Certain phrases came back to her memory for the first time in days, as if highlighted in flame.
"Do you really think that was appropriate professional demeanor, Lieutenant?"
"If you have the tapes, you know why I said what I said," Esmay said. She wished she'd been more tactful, but it was petty of Brun to have reported their argument.
"Let me put it another way, Lieutenant." The voice was a shade cooler; Esmay felt it on her skin, like a cold breeze stiffening the hairs of her arms. "Whatever the provocation, do you think it is appropriate for a Fleet officer to lecture a civilian—a prominent civilian—as if they were rival fishwives?" Before Esmay could think of anything to say, he went on. "Because, Lieutenant, I can tell you that I do not consider it appropriate. I consider it an embarrassment, and I am quite seriously disappointed in your performance. Allowances have been made for your background—"
Esmay stirred, but he held up a warning hand and went on.
"Your background, as I said, would be some excuse, if you were not from a prominent family on Altiplano, and if you had not previously commented on the greater formality of manners there. I hardly think you would have spoken to a civilian guest of your father's in such terms as you used to Sera Meager."
"No, sir." She wouldn't, because no young woman of family would have behaved like Brun Meager. She tried to think of an equivalent crime, and couldn't. But no use explaining . . . that never did any good.
"And then to make comments where someone in the media could hear you—!"
"Sir?" She had no idea what that was about.
"Don't tell me you don't know about that!" He glared at her.
"Sir, after the argument with Brun, I finished packing and then left on the field exercise. I didn't talk to anyone else about anything at all; I didn't talk to anyone about her during the exercise, and I just got back from medical . . . I'm sorry, sir, but I don't know what you're talking about."
He looked slightly taken aback, someone in a righteous rage who had stumbled over an inconvenient contrary fact.
"You spoke to no one?"
"No one, sir."
"Well, you must've been loud enough for someone to overhear, because it certainly made the news."
There would have been no media on a military installation on Altiplano. It wasn't fair to blame her because they'd let media follow Brun around and poke into every cranny.
"You of all people should know that Fleet is under great suspicion at this time—between the mutinies and the Lepescu affair—and the last thing we need is some wild-eyed young officer accusing the Speaker's daughter of immorality. That does us no good with the Grand Council, or for that matter with the populace at large. Do you understand?"
"Yes, sir."
"I wonder. You are an intelligent officer, and supposedly talented in tactics, but . . . in all my years, I don't think I've ever seen as egregious an example of bad judgement. You've embarrassed me, and you've embarrassed the Regular Space Service. If you didn't have such a good record previously, I would seriously consider having you up for conduct unbecoming an officer."
All she had done was tell a rich spoiled brat the plain truth . . . but clearly some unpleasant truths were not to be told. Brun was the one who had done wrong, and now she was in trouble. Her head was pounding again.
"Let me tell you what you're going to do, Lieutenant. You are going to avoid any interviews on any topic whatsoever. You are going to make no comments whatever about Sera Meager, to anyone. If asked, you will say you lost your temper—which clearly is the case—and you have no more to say. I would have you apologize to Sera Meager, except that she chose to leave this facility—and no wonder—and I doubt she wants to hear from you anyway. Is all that clear?"
"Yes, sir."
"Dismissed."
Esmay saluted and withdrew, angry with both herself and Brun. She shouldn't have said what she said—all right, she could admit she'd been too angry to think straight. But Brun had taken advantage of her, time and again—and to go complain to authority was . . . was another proof of her childishness.
She was supposed to meet Barin—he'd left word on her comunit—but she really wanted to crawl into her bunk and sleep another twelve hours. At least, she thought, he wouldn't waste their time talking about Brun.
Brun was the first topic he brought up. "You were pretty hard on her," Barin said, after mentioning that he'd seen the newsflash along with everyone else in the class. "She's not as bad as all that . . ."
"She is," Esmay said. It was too much; she was not going to let Brun get away with ruining this, too. She saw his face change, his expression harden against her. Sorrow cut through her, but her anger pushed her on, forcing her against the blade of his disapproval. "She had no right to come after you; if she had one scrap of morality—"
"That's not fair," Barin said. "She does. It's just that—that someone like that—"
"The richest girl in the Familias Regnant? The rules are different for the rich, is that what you're saying?"
"No—yes, but not the way you mean it." The slight emphasis he put on "you" stung; he had meant it to, Esmay was sure.
"The way I mean it is that people who have her advantages ought to have used them for something more than personal pleasure."
"Well, had you told her that we were . . . anything to each other?"
"No, I did not." Esmay could feel her own face getting stiff. "It was none of her business. It has nothing to do with me and you; it has to do with her assumption that anyone she wants should climb in bed with her . . ."
"Anyone!" Barin looked startled, then amused, then alarmed. "She didn't try to get you—?"
"No!" Esmay shook her head, which was beginning to throb in the old way. "She didn't, of course she didn't. It's just that she went after you, and you're an officer of Fleet, and younger than she is—" Too late she remembered that she herself could not be simultaneously older than Brun and co-equal with Barin. Her voice wavered; she gulped and went on. "It was—was—unseemly. Chasing junior officers."
"Esmay, please." Barin reached out but drew back his hand before touching her. "It was perfectly natural. And all she did was ask. When I said no, she didn't bother me. Perfectly polite, perfectly within the bounds of courtesy."
"You said no?" Esmay managed to get out around a dry lump in her throat.
"Of course I said no. What do you think?" His heavy Serrano brows drew together. "You thought I slept with her? How could you think that?" Now he was angry, black eyes flashing and a flush coming up in his face.
Esmay felt panic rising in her. He hadn't slept with Brun? Had Livadhi lied? Misunderstood? Not known? She could say nothing. Barin, glaring at her, nodded sharply as if her silence confirmed some dire suspicion.
"You thought I did. You thought just because I shared a few meals with her while you were busy, just because we talked, just because she's a rich girl, that I'd leap into her bed like a tame puppy. Well, I'm no one's pet, Esmay. Not hers, and not yours. If you really cared for me, you'd know that. I'm sorry you understand so little, but if you want to succeed in Fleet, you'd better get off your moral high horse and start dealing with reality."
He was gone before she could say anything, and long before anyone could have suspected what she had once worried they might suspect. She made it to her quarters at last, and spent another night not sleeping, staring at the ceiling over her bunk.
When they met in class the next day, Esmay could do nothing but stare miserably at the back of Barin's head. He did not turn to look at her. When called on, he gave his answers in his familiar crisp voice; she found that she could do the same, though she wasn't at all sure how her brain could keep working when her heart was lying in a
sodden heap somewhere below her navel.
She had never been in love before. She had heard others describe similar symptoms, but had thought they exaggerated. They did not exaggerate, she decided; in fact, they had not begun to describe the misery she felt. They had all lived through it; she supposed she would too, but she wasn't sure she wanted to.
To her surprise, she received a high score on her field exercise. It did not make her feel better, though her subdued acceptance of the certificate seemed to please Lieutenant Commander Uhlis. She could feel the subtle withdrawal of her classmates, even those like Vericour who had been friendly all along.
Anonymity had been a lot easier than disgrace.
On the day Barin was due to leave, she made her way to the exit area; she felt she had to make some contact with him, or she might as well jump off a tower. Her hands were icy; she could feel her heart pounding as she spotted him across the room.
"Barin—"
"Lieutenant." He was coolly polite. She didn't want coolly polite.
"Barin, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to insult you." That came out in a rush, almost all one word.
"No apologies necessary," he said, almost formally. She thought she saw a bit of warmth in his eye, but nothing more. He wasn't going to reach out for her, not here in public, and he showed no signs of wanting a more private conversation.
"I just—don't want us to be enemies," Esmay said.
"Never!" He took a breath. "Never enemies, Lieutenant, even if we can't agree." A long pause, during which Esmay heard what he did not say aloud—or what she imagined he was saying. She didn't know which. "Goodbye, Lieutenant, and good luck on your first assignment in command track. You'll do fine."
"Thank you," Esmay said. "And good luck to you." Her throat closed on the rest of what she wanted to say: We could stay in touch. We could plan . . . No. She had ruined what they had, and that was it.
They shook hands, formally, and then saluted, formally, and then he moved over to the line forming for his shuttle. Esmay did not wait to see if he would turn around and wave. She was sure he wouldn't.
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