by Liahona West
Soora spoke again, the only voice Eloise could hear clearly. “We’ll keep a close eye on her. Eloise, I’ll come check on you in an hour, okay?”
An animal nudged Eloise’s hand as she laid on the bed. Vague recognition pinged while she scratched the naked animal.
This feels familiar. What is this? She struggled to get her brain to reboot back to the natural world. The darkness opened up to allow a piebald hairless cat into her view. Bali, the only thing she kept of her sister’s.
The darkness began to lift as she rubbed the wrinkles on her cat’s forehead. She remained in a dreamlike state; aware of water being poured into a large container but unable to distinguish where or why.
A long, warm hand touched her cheek.
Soora again.
Has it really been an hour?
“I’ve brought you some food and left it beside your bed. It won’t spoil, so you can eat it whenever you’re able.” Eloise turned her head, blinked through the fog, and saw a plate of bread, cheese, salted meat, and huckleberries. “When you can, I’ve filled the basin with hot water, so it can wait, if you need it to. Take a bath and relax. I will check on you again soon.”
The warmth left with the woman.
My head is on fire and my body hates me.
She stayed in a fetal position, blanket over her cold toes, for a long while. Bali curled up against her curved torso. The purring centered her and she was able to focus her eyes to look around the room.
Aside from the food, there were some clothes in a pile, a fraying rug on the floor, and her collection of knives hanging on their hooks against the wall. Tall windows on the north side of the living quarters opened up to a view of the lagoon below the hill. She hated those windows and kept them covered with a mismatched collection of fabric. They blocked out the world.
Sitting between her cot and the door was a large metal trough.
The bath.
Refraining from looking down at her body, Eloise reluctantly undressed. If she didn’t look, she wouldn’t be reminded of the pain. Embraced by the pressure of the water, Eloise closed her eyes. Muffled noises outside her room echoed distantly in her ears.
Although her body remained still, her brain whipped through every event from the night she met Bannack.
I should have known it was him. Why didn’t I?
Flashes of the nightmare bashed into her skull. She shook her head, groaning.
Ada. I miss you so much.
She groaned again, the noise turning into a whimper as she attempted to banish the thoughts to the dark corners of her mind.
Not now. I can’t think of this now.
She squeezed her eyes tighter. The invading thoughts rose like a plague ready to devour any victim in its path, and she couldn’t stop them. They pushed and pushed, winning the battle in her mind.
“Stop it!” She cried out in a final effort to win over the memories and feelings. “I don’t want you! I don’t need you!”
But they came anyway. They were fierce, and she was not prepared.
You’ll never heal from this. You’ll be all alone. No one will ever understand you.
Eloise covered her ears, trying to drown out the ringing. Her head pounded. All her muscles tightened in defense of this villain coming to rob her and to make her a shell and laugh at what she had become; what her demons had turned her into.
They would laugh and jeer and make fun of her for the rest of her life.
“No,” Eloise begged, pushing so hard on her ears that they ached. “Please. No. I don’t want this. I don’t want any of this!”
You’re worthless. Ada’s killers took everything away from you. Just look at yourself!
And Eloise looked. She looked hard at her body, tears fogging up her vision. Pale skin with too many dark freckles. Uneven fingernails and calloused knuckles. Her sideways knee that never healed straight. The scar on her face that pulled on the corner of her mouth, showing a sliver of teeth that looked like a chasm.
Her demons sneered, yellow eyes pulsating in the darkness of her mind. How could anyone love you? They will take one look at those freckles, those hideous, disfiguring scars, and run. They will hate you!
“They won’t. I don’t care what you think. I’m stronger than you!”
The demons laughed at her, filthy and dark, dripping with sticky oil. It clung to her body, turning the water into murky darkness, attempting to swallow her whole.
Do you think people will accept you?
“It wasn’t my fault,” Eloise gasped. She clawed at her hair, trying to dig the thoughts out. They needed to get out in any way possible.
If you hadn’t brought her with you, she wouldn’t have been murdered!
“Don’t say that!”
Murder…Murder. Repeated over and over. Until her ears burned and her scalp stung. She sobbed, trapped in her mind, aching to break free of her eternal torment.
And then she retched over the edge of the basin.
Eloise slid out of the sanctuary of the bath, shaking so violently she had no control over herself.
Down she went, bile covering her torso. It stunk.
Worthless piece of nothing.
A heavy sob oozed from Eloise, rocking her body as it crawled out of her mouth.
You are nothing.
Just a shell.
You will never be happy.
Soora entered. She rushed to Eloise and knelt in front of her.
“I can’t get up. My body hurts too much.”
The doctor shushed Eloise and pulled her into her body. “Let me help you.”
Eloise didn’t have the mental energy to say no, so she allowed Soora to help her get her legs over the side of the basin.
As if cleaning a newborn, Soora wiped away the stink. She used soft and determined strokes, taking care around Eloise’s face.
Eloise did her best to keep her sobs in, but they burst out from her. “I’m drowning, Soora. It’s like my whole existence is a series of walls and locked doors and I’m trapped in the maze with the monsters.”
“Healing isn’t linear. We’ll figure this out.” Soora rubbed her thumb on Eloise’s cheek, wiping a stain from her skin.
Handful after handful of water cascaded down onto Eloise’s knees, her shoulders, face. With fluid movements, Soora pulled a stiff Eloise forward. She washed Eloise’s hair, splitting apart the fibers to get any caked-on bile. Little by little, it floated away, migrating to the bottom of the tub.
The towel scrubbed off the water from Eloise’s body. Soora helped her get dressed, matching Eloise’s slow pace. Her limbs were heavy and had their own heartbeat.
Soora took Eloise’s head in her hands. “So many people love you. Nothing you do will drive us away. I promise.” Then she kissed her forehead.
“Thank you.” Eloise’s voice came out in a slow drawl, too exhausted to open her eyes. She rested her head on the pillow and fell into a fitful sleep.
***
Someone knocked on Eloise’s door and she rolled. Halfway through, Eloise stopped and hissed as pain shot through her body.
“What do you want?”
“God, you sound horrible,” Sibyl said, voice muffled through the closed door. “Am I talking to my best friend, or the ogre she turns into at night?”
“Ha ha. Very funny.” Eloise groaned. Her legs threatened to spasm. “Just…get in here.”
Sibyl, subdued instead of her usual sunshine self, closed the door. It slammed shut, or at least sounded like it did, and Eloise covered her ears.
“Goddamn it, Leese, could you be louder?”
“Sorry,” she grimaced. “Do you feel like you got stampeded or hit by a truck today?”
“Ugh. Not in the mood.”
“Okay.” Sibyl walked over to Eloise, her feet shuffling on the floor to avoid running into anything in the dim room. She sat down. “Repeat after me.”
“Not this again.”
“Yes, this again. You know
it helps.”
Glaring at Sibyl, Eloise finally relented. “Fine.”
She smiled. “Repeat after me. I am worthy.”
Eloise looked at her hands, unable to form the words, while Sibyl waited patiently. The first few phrases were always so hard. She forced her mouth to form them. “I…am…w…orthy.”
“Good. Now, say, what happened doesn’t define me.”
“What happened…mmm…doesn’t define…me.”
“What happened was not my fault.”
“What happen…ed was not my…fault.”
“Getting better. Now. It’s okay if all I did today was breathe.”
“It’s okay if all I did today was breathe.” Tears came. She fell into Sibyl, crying softly. “Thank you for helping me.”
Sibyl chuckled. “Of course. You’re my girl.”
“It’s just,” Eloise wiped at her face, “special.”
“Ready for two more?” Sibyl asked, and when Eloise nodded, Sibyl said, “I am safe. I am strong.”
“I am safe. I am strong.”
I am safe.
I am strong.
Safe.
Strong.
***
Sitting in her room on the floor the next morning, Eloise spun the tip of her kukri in the floor. It had been a birthday gift the year before from Sibyl who had tracked down a cutler selling rare knives.
I miss Seth. Her hands shook, unable to spin the kukri blade, and she let it clatter to the ground. She buried her face in her knees. Closing her eyes, images of Joy looming over her flashed in her head. Eloise jumped to her feet, slammed the tip of the kukri blade into the ground where it stayed standing as she flopped in a frustrated heap on her cot.
Her cat, Bali, had returned from her several days hunting trip and was now happily stalking a black speck. Eloise lifted her head to watch. The hairless cat crouched on the cot, chirping at the large fly circling in front of the windows.
The bug landed low on the glass.
Bali jumped from the cot and shot across the room. But the fly had already taken off.
Her eyes wide, she turned to Eloise.
“What?” A laugh rippled from her throat when Bali hopped onto the bed.
Bali mewed and circled her tail around her rump. Her head darted back and forth watching the bug fly through the air, then the cat kneaded the patchwork blanket, crouched low, her shoulder blades shifting. In an explosion of muscles, Bali leapt into the air and swiped. Her soft landing quickly turned into a low, zig-zagging scramble across the floor.
Eloise jumped to her feet. “You got it!”
With triumph in her bouncing gait, Bali sauntered to Eloise, jumped on the cot, and deposited a black fly the size of a pea in her palm.
Beaming, Eloise lifted her cat into the air. “Bali! The terrifying sky raisin killer. May we all live safe with you on the job.”
“You’re such a liar.”
Eloise jumped, her arms wrapping around Bali in a protective shield. She hadn’t heard the door open. An illusion of a man standing in the doorway with a loaded gun flashed in her head. She blinked and realized her best friend stood there instead, but she couldn’t stop from scratching her wrist.
“Don’t scare me like that, Sibyl!”
Her friend smiled, the deep dimple in her cheek showing off. Sibyl pushed off the doorjamb with her shoulder and made herself comfortable on the cot. She brought her knees up to her chest and tossed a lock of Eloise’s red hair behind her shoulder.
“How am I a liar?” Eloise folded her arms.
“You told me you don’t like animals.”
Eloise scoffed. “Sometimes you have such selective hearing. I said I don’t like horses.”
“Or cows or bears or rabbits or—” Sibyl lifted one finger with each animal she listed.
“First of all, they stink. Second of all, Bali has no fur to make her smell.”
“Well, you stink, too.”
Eloise covered her armpits with her hands.
Sibyl’s laugh coated the air in honey. “Come on.”
“Where are we going?”
“Oh. Don’t be such a Nervous Nelly.” Sibyl pulled Eloise to her feet. “Live a little! Come have some fun.”
“I dunno. I like being in here.”
She blew a raspberry. “No more talking.”
Dragged against her will but enjoying Sibyl’s bright presence, Eloise soon found herself on a concrete patio. The sun glistened off the rain-soaked grass and Compounders loitered about in a large group. Children without shoes darted around and wound through their parents’ legs and other bystanders and splashed in the puddles.
“I’m not doing this.”
“You’re no fun.” Sibyl turned to a little boy nearby. “My friend is no fun. She doesn’t know how to play.”
His eyes widened. “You don’t know how to play?”
“I do too!”
“Prove it.” Sibyl put her hands on her hips.
The boy parroted her. “Yeah. Prove it.”
Groaning quietly, Eloise walked down the steps and stood on the perimeter of the group of kids. Sibyl laughed as she held hands with a little girl who splashed in the water.
“What do I have to do to get you to play with us?” Sibyl twirled in a tight circle, her ballet background surfacing.
Eloise gasped as cold, brown water splashed onto her. A little boy scurried behind Sibyl, water dripping from his fingertips. She wanted to yell at him and stomp off. But his liquid surprise had shocked the hesitation out of her.
“I’m going to get you!” Eloise bent low, cupping the water in her hands.
For a split second, the children froze, then they scattered as Eloise ran at them. She mock-growled and chased the screaming kids, tossing brown water at them. Children scattered and squealed as Eloise and Sibyl chased the tiny humans.
Eloise laughed and shoved Sibyl.
With a squelch, she landed in a puddle. The brown water covered her gray sweater and black hair. For a moment, she stared in shock.
Unable to hold it in, Eloise and the children erupted into laughter. She lost control of her legs and fell to her back, the wet blades of sparse grass stroking her cheek. Laughter had not happened in a long time. She had been so preoccupied with her struggles; she never took the time to enjoy life around her.
As Sibyl stood, they locked eyes.
Thank you. Eloise mouthed and Sibyl nodded, two little ones wrapped around her ankles.
Laughing, Eloise took off after a kid who had slapped a muddy hand on her thigh. For many blissful moments, she forgot about her demons and monsters. She could push back the walls and reveal the carefree person she used to be Before.
Sibyl joined her as she stopped to lean against a tree trunk. She tapped Eloise’s arm with the back of her hand, pointed, and said, “Look who it is.”
Percie, her curly hair in a beautiful mess around her face, walked past carrying a basket of folded laundry. They made eye contact, Eloise’s heart jumping at her striking blue eyes, and Percie gave a shy wave. Eloise continued waving awkwardly once Percie rounded a corner.
“Oh, shut up.” Eloise poked her tongue out at Sibyl. She allowed a family of five to walk in front of her. “You are the epitome of a walking cliché. Please go away and stop being my personal parasite.”
“Ha! Oh, no you don’t. You’re stuck with me.” Sibyl crossed her arms. “But seriously, you guys were so cute together.”
“Yeah. We were. But that was…what…a year ago. She’s married now and happy.”
“Still, I totally shipped you guys.”
To keep her mind off Percie and their time together, Eloise changed the subject. “You came back early from trading with the Rhondian clan. How was it?”
Giving Eloise a sideways glance, Sibyl sighed and said, “Uneventful. We got some good stuff from the clans while we were there. Luke made it bearable though.”
Luke Varma, the
witty yet coarse heir to the Rhondian clan, kept people at arm’s length. Eloise had met him a few times and Sibyl enjoyed messing with him.
“When do you plan on going easy on him?”
“Uh…” Sibyl scoffed. “Never. I can’t help but tease him when he gets grumpy. Of course, if my teasing really upset him, I’d stop, but he tries so hard to keep a smile hidden. It’s adorable.”
Eloise laughed and slipped her arm around Sibyl’s, leaning her head against her forearm because Sibyl was too tall for Eloise to reach her shoulder.
Mason walked out of the Compound, glanced around, waved at Eloise, and ran over.
“Been looking for you. I have a class to teach soon, so I can’t stay long. You have a visitor.”
“I do?” Eloise rarely received visitors. The only people she knew outside of the Compound were Joy, Seth, Smith, Kendal, and…
Bannack stood outside of Eloise’s home, which was a one thousand square foot school classroom converted into a studio apartment. Before he noticed her, she watched him as he bounced on the balls of his feet, swinging his arms as he waited. He fiddled with a package wrapped in fabric.
She approached, then leaned in. “Can’t resist me, can you?”
The package almost fell to the ground as Bannack fumbled with it in surprise. Eloise realized his bad ear had been facing her, which was why he didn’t notice her approaching. It didn’t stop her from chuckling.
“Oh…I came to bring you something.”
Eloise pointed curiously at the item in Bannack’s hand.
He nodded. “It’s for you.”
She suppressed a chuckle and opened the door to her apartment. “Make yourself at home. Do you want something to drink?” She turned around. Bannack had removed his shoes and was scratching Bali underneath her chin. He smiled, the corner of his eyes crinkling, and Eloise’s stomach tingled. “She likes you.”
“Yeah?” Bannack looked up. “I remember her. She was Ada’s, right?”
“She was.” Eloise watched Bali rub her bare face on Bannack and smiled. “Ada had a thing for Indonesia. She loved the temples and the green.”
Bannack nodded his head and clicked his tongue, then returned to loving on Bali. The cat pushed against Bannack’s hand then looked at Eloise with her bright green eyes, paused, and continued to accept pets.