Dan the Warlord

by Hondo Jinx

  Dan ignored him to observe the train’s other occupant.

  This man he’d seen once, long ago, during a distracted glance at the Beaver Stadium jumbotron. This was none other than the Duke of Harrisburg, who had been trying to kill Dan since Dan wasted the duke’s personal slaver, Roderick, and a thousand of his pals. The duke was tall, middle-aged, and handsome—or rather, he would have been handsome if his face wasn’t contorted into a mask of surprise and fear as he stabbed the air with the high-pitched shrieks more befitting a hysterical woman than a man who had lived his whole life in pursuit of power.

  “Going somewhere?” Dan asked.

  “Kill him!” the duke shrieked.

  “Fulgeezi!” Blivet shouted. There was a bright flash and a loud crack. The lightning bolt leapt straight at Dan’s chest then arched sharply away and raced past him and out the open door, where it bent again, avoiding the cattle car and sizzling off into the darkening void.

  Dan laughed. “You’re pretty fucking stupid for a wizard. This car’s made of metal. If that bolt had hit the wall, it would have fried you and your boss. Of course, I can’t allow you to die that easily.”

  Blivet’s jowls pinkened, and his eyes went wide, filling the spectacles. “Abscondium!” he shouted and then looked confused and utterly terrified to find himself still standing within the train cabin.

  “No teleporting away this time,” a beautiful voice said, and Illandria materialized beside Dan.

  Blivet and the duke gasped to behold the terrible beauty of the succubus queen.

  Speaking to Blivet, Illandria said, “Your magic is under my control here in the Wildervast, which I birthed whole and screaming and red-faced from the womb of my imagination. You, sir, are many miles deep within my personal dream… and your personal nightmare.”

  Blivet sputtered a string of rapid-fire curses then started spewing more pragmatic gibberish again, fumbling in his robes for something—components, Dan suspected—and jabbing the air with strange and frantic gestures.

  None of which stopped Dan from stepping forward, palming the fat man’s face like a basketball, and shoving hard. The back of Blivet’s head cracked against the iron wall of the furnace. The wizard went loose in his boots and dropped to the floor like a three-hundred-pound turd wrapped in a custom-tailored business suit.

  Bending down, Dan opened the furnace door. A wave of heat billowed out from the oval aperture, which glowed bright orange, like a porthole into Hades.

  Picking Blivet up by the belt and collar, Dan shoved the wizard’s head through the door and into the furnace.

  This brought the unconscious sorcerer around, and for several seconds, he struggled fruitlessly in Dan’s grasp, shrieking into the hot coals until his body jerked straight as an iron rod, vibrated, and went slack.

  Dan dropped him and turned to the duke, who fell to his knees, sobbing for mercy. “Please spare me!” the Duke of Harrisburg begged. “I’ll pay you. I’m richer than the governor, richer than the king. Spare me and name your price. Every man has his price!”

  Dan crouched down, bringing his face level with the duke’s, and grinned. “You invaded my territory, attacked my home, killed my people, and tried to kill my family. My wives. My unborn son,” Dan said. He reached out, took the man’s chin in his hand, and lifted his face. “Look into my eyes, Duke, and you’ll see my price.”

  The Duke of Harrisburg cried out and looked away.

  Still gripping the man’s jaw, Dan stood, dragging the duke to his feet. “Look,” he said. “Look into my eyes!”

  “No,” the duke whimpered. “I can’t. It’s too terrible! Please, have mercy!”

  “I’ll give you the same mercy you gave the men you abandoned,” Dan said, shoving the duke gently backwards against the wall. “The same mercy you were prepared to give my wives and son. No mercy at all.”

  Dan lifted Talon and fired the outer blade.

  The duke squealed and grabbed reflexively for the blade, which had taken him through the crotch, pinning him to the iron wall. The razor edges sliced the man’s fingers, which fell like so many stubby sausage links to the floor, and the duke screamed again, yanking his hands away, then wobbled back and forth moaning and pleading and bleeding.

  Dan raised his sword.

  “Wait!” the duke shrieked. “You can’t. I’m the Duke of Harrisburg, the wealthiest man east of the Mississippi, the future governor, the future king!” A change had come over the man. Panic and desperation had twisted into outraged bewilderment. More than anything else, he sounded morally offended. “You can’t do this. It’s absurd. You’re just the Warlord of the Wildervast!”

  “That’s where you’re wrong,” Dan said, reaching out to finger the collar of bright, heart-shaped lava stones encircling Illandria’s throat.

  Illandria shivered at the touch of his bloody fingers, then took one of them into her luscious mouth and started sucking.

  “I’m not just the Warlord of the Wildervast,” Dan said. “I’m the fucking king.”

  He pulled his finger free of Illandria’s hot, greedy mouth, mashed his lips against hers in a frenzied kiss, and then, without bothering to look, gave a quick flick of the wrist and split the duke’s skull in half.

  39

  Cock Block Buddy Fucker!

  Trumpet blasted, and Dan broke his kiss with Illandria, who, like the rest of the surrounding world, had frozen in time.

  There weren’t many things in the world Dan wouldn’t mind interrupting a kiss with Illandria, but leveling up was one of them. Besides, this would give him an opportunity to fuck with his old pal, former sword, and crotchety so-called mentor, Wulfgar.

  “Phew,” Wulfgar’s voice said. “Wasn’t sure that was going to work.”

  “What do you mean?” Dan asked. “Didn’t I level up?”

  “Yeah, you leveled up. Congratu-fuckin-lations, by the way, you lucky bastard. But I didn’t know if a time freeze would work with her. She’s powerful. When she stopped time, I couldn’t even see you guys. Speaking of which, what the fuck, dude? You get a succubus wife, all of the sudden you’re too cool to let your invisible buddy watch now?”

  “That’s kind of weird, man. You’re basically a disembodied creeper. A peeping Wulfgar.”

  “It was bullshit. You’re over here, nailing a succubus queen, and I got nothing. Cock block buddy fucker! How did you do it?”

  “Well, first we took off our clothes.”

  “Very funny, ass knuckle. You know what I mean. You didn’t just break a succubus. You broke the succubus queen. Pardon the implied lack of faith, but how the fuck did you pull that off?”

  Dan shrugged. “We spent a long time together. And I gave her something different.”

  Illandria remained fascinated by his otherness and the notion of his old world.

  Once, during the long span they spent getting to know each other outside the boundaries of time, as they were strolling the wilderness between epic fuck sessions, Illandria had snapped her fingers and created a pair of burnished silver doors in the side of a rock outcropping.

  “Want to go back to your old world?” she asked. He had told her everything about his life in both worlds. “This elevator opens in a building on campus. We can go back right now if you want.”

  Dan didn’t have to mull it over. “No,” he said. “In fact, Hades no.”

  “Why not?” Illandria pouted. “I’ll create a backpack of money for you. You’ll even keep your strength and abilities. And I’ll come with you.” She smiled playfully. “Don’t you want to see my schoolgirl outfit?”

  Dan imagined what life would be like back in the old world, strolling campus with a super hot girlfriend on his arm.

  “I’ll still have my magical powers, of course,” Illandria said. “You can have anything you want. Money, women, power.”

  Dan chuckled at her offer. Gold, girls, and glory.

  “And I’ll make myself look human,” Illandria said. “What do you want me to be? A cheerleader? A geek? I�
��ll be any girl—or all girls—whoever you want, doing whatever you want, whenever you want.”

  “And what about my other wives?”

  “They would remain here, suspended in time, alive and none the wiser. That last second would stretch on forever. It would be kind of you, really, like granting them immortality.”

  “No,” he said. “Thanks, but they would spend eternity locked in the thought that I was too far away to help them, that I had failed them. I couldn’t live with that. Besides, I love them too much to go on without them.”

  “You wouldn’t have to go on without them. I’m a succubus. We could seduce their real-world counterparts.”

  “No,” he said again. “I don’t want women that look like them. Even similar women. I want my wives.”

  “Love,” Illandria laughed. “A tool for me, a sickness for mortals. I’ll never understand it.”

  “Don’t be so sure,” he said, and bent her over.

  How long they spent together in that timeless world, he couldn’t say for sure, but it was more than days, more than weeks. There was no day or night, no dawn or dusk, only the perpetual late afternoon frozen around them. They needed no sleep, no food, no drink. Nothing. And yet they often partook of these primal pleasures for the simple fun of it, breaking up their endless days of walking, talking, and fucking.

  During their long time together, Illandria had fallen for Dan and he for her, but he had never forgotten his wives, his home, his people, or the vengeance that he wanted so badly to unleash on his enemies.

  Now, with that vengeance complete, he wanted to see the results. “You going to show me my stats or what?”

  The giant scroll appeared in midair and drew down, displaying his character sheet.

  Name: Dan the Barbarian

  Strength: 19

  Intelligence: 9

  Wisdom: 8

  Dexterity: 19

  Constitution: 19

  Charisma: 19

  Strength bonuses: + 3 attacking / +7 damage

  Dexterity: +10 armor rating, unless bulky armor is worn; +4 initiative, reaction, and missile attacks

  Constitution: +10 hit points per level

  “Holy shit!” Dan said. “Talk about leveling up. Ha! Look at those stats. 19 is superhuman. Godlike, even!”

  “You, a god?” Wulfgar snorted. “The God of Stupidity, maybe. Check out your intelligence and wisdom scores, hotshot. You’re still dumber than a fucking sledgehammer.”

  Dan made a half-hearted jerk-off motion. “If you’re strong, rich, and hung like a warhorse, you don’t need brains. Besides, it’s like I’ve always said: thinking kills action!”

  Class: Barbarian

  Level: 10

  Hit points: 204

  Alignment: Chaotic good

  Experience: 1,000,001

  “Ha!” Dan roared. “I jumped two levels again?”

  “Cheater,” Wulfgar cough-said.

  “Cheater? I just wiped out two armies. 45,000 enemies. How is that—”

  “Delusions of grandeur,” Wulfgar interrupted. “You didn’t kill them. Your people killed them.”

  “Technicalities,” Dan said. “I killed the duke, Blivet, and Razah. Blivet was a high-level spellcaster, and the black panther was one tough son of a bitch. Where’s the breakdown, anyway?”

  “There is no breakdown. Wham, bam, thank you, super-hot, scary-ass succubus queen. Illandria boosted you to tenth level.”

  “Nice!”

  “Yeah, I figured you’d like that. What with your low intelligence and all, it probably would’ve been tough for you, otherwise, having to read the experience point breakdown.”

  “Big comedy,” Dan said. “But hey, how’s seventh level treating you, buddy?”

  “Suck my balls,” Wulfgar said. “Besides, lest we forget, OP characters are boring as fuck. If you were a fictional character, the author would do well to cap the series right now.”

  Dan laughed. “Are you kidding? A story about me? Nobody would ever believe all the shit that’s happened to me. An author would have to be an idiot to even try writing my story.”

  “I don’t know,” Wulfgar said, sounding thoughtful. “On one hand, an author would definitely be an idiot to use you—you, of all people—as his main character. But on the other hand, he would also have created me, so he might be a fucking genius.”

  “You said ‘on one hand’ and ‘on the other hand,’” Dan laughed, “and you don’t have hands!”

  “Laugh away, fucknose,” Wulfgar said, sounding disgusted. “And your lame-ass joke decides it. If anybody ever wrote a book about you, he would definitely, 100%, without a doubt be a total fucking moron. And hey, before you start dancing around all giddy, know this: to reach 11th level, you’re going to need another half-million points.”

  “Okay,” Dan said dismissively. This was awesome. He was tenth level, and his stats were through the roof.

  “No,” Wulfgar said, “not okay. You’re going to have to work your ass off to earn that much xp. And now you have your fancy castle and your hot wives, including a broken succubus queen, for fuck’s sake. Don’t get distracted. Don’t be a buddy fucker. You need to keep leveling up for my sake if not for yours. Non-existence blows dead goblins.”

  Dan went back to scanning his character sheet.

  Harem members: Holly (wife), Nadia (wife), Thelia (wife), Ula (wife), Zamora (bound), Chloe (wife), Clarissa (wife), Petronia (wife), Illandria (bound)

  Dan beamed at the list. His wives were everything to him. Soon, he would consummate things with Chloe and Clarissa. Then he planned to add a few more wives. Four, to be precise, if they were willing.

  Barbarian saving throw bonuses: +4 vs. poison; +3 vs. paralysis, death magic, petrification, and polymorph; +2 versus magical rods, staffs, or wands; +2 versus breath weapons.

  Primary barbarian abilities:

  Scale cliffs and climb trees

  Hide in wooded settings

  Surprise opponents

  Prevent blind attacks

  Jumping

  Detect illusion

  Detect magic

  Leadership

  Leadership II

  Leadership III

  Leadership IV

  Leadership V

  “Leadership V, huh?” Dan said. “What does that do for me?”

  “Not much,” Wulfgar said. “It’s like one of those title-only promotions jackass bosses use back in your old world to motivate people without actually paying them more. You’re a king now, so you get a bump in leadership level.”

  “Huh,” Dan said, already reading on.

  Secondary barbarian abilities:

  Wilderness craft and survival

  Primitive first aid

  Hunting and tracking

  Tertiary barbarian abilities:

  Long-distance running

  Small boat building and use

  Imitate animal sounds

  Snare and trap building

  Sexual Stamina

  Sexual Stamina II

  Sexual Stamina III

  Sexual Stamina IV

  Sexual Stamina V

  “Hey, hey, hey,” Dan said with a grin. “I hopped two levels in Sexual Stamina!”

  “Yeah,” Wulfgar said. “Guess that’s one of the benefits of banging a succubus queen. She boosts your skills because she wants your sorry ass to be able to perform.”

  “Oh, I can perform,” Dan said.

  “I wouldn’t know, since somebody blocked me the fuck out during playtime with the sex demon.”

  “That’s it,” Dan said. “Let it all out. Share your feelings, buddy. Don’t keep them bottled up. Tell us how you feel. And hey, you know what? Maybe if you let go of your bitterness, you’ll have better luck leveling up.”

  “You want to know how I feel, being stuck with you? I feel like an enflamed hemorrhoid on the world’s biggest asshole.”

  Native territory: The Endless Mountains

  Weapons of proficiency:

  Ha
nd axe

  Spear

  Knife

  Two-handed sword

  Battle Axe

  Short bow

  Bastard sword

  Fist of Fury

  Talon

  2 attacks per round with melee weapons

  3 arrows fired every 2 rounds

  4 daggers thrown per round

  His new weapon of proficiency category was kind of limited, but he was happy to have it. Besides, as Agatha’s one true forge, Talon would last forever.

  “Well, that’s that,” Wulfgar said. “You lucked out again.”

  “Lucked out?” Dan said incredulously. “I fought my ass off.” He pointed to his shredded cheek. “Look at my face.”

  “Uglier than ever,” Wulfgar said. “But don’t you worry, pansy. I’m sure Illandria will patch you up. But what about your other wives? I mean, Illandria’s a succubus queen. They gonna be all right?”

  “Illandria will do what I say,” Dan said. “She’s bound to me now, which make her my wife. Nothing more, nothing less. And part of that will be respecting her sister-wives.”

  Wulfgar roared with laughter. “This is going to be one Hades of a show. That horny elf of yours acts all regal and shit, but she is one seriously twisted lady. Can you imagine the things she’ll do as first wife with a succubus beneath her?”

  40

  Sexual Stamina V

  “Make your first wife cum again, you filthy succubus,” Holly panted. “But this time, no magic.” She sat naked and beautiful atop the gigantic futon, leaned back against the wall, facing Dan. Her thighs were very white in contrast with the blue flesh and black hair of Illandria, who obeyed Holly and dove between the grey elf’s widespread legs, slurping greedily.

  From Dan’s vantage point across the futon, Holly and Illandria looked incredibly hot. The succubus queen’s tail twitched back and forth in time with her shapely, wiggling ass. Illandria’s glistening slit was pointed at him, swollen with lust, an unbelievably tempting invitation—but one Dan would put off for now. He had his hands—and mouth—full already.