by Celeste, B.
Chapter Twenty-Three
At some point during America’s Funniest Home Videos reruns, I fall asleep next to Kaiden on the couch. I don’t remember curling up or using Kaiden’s thigh as a pillow, but it’s how I wake up. His arm is draped over me casually, his breathing even.
I hear Grandma from the kitchen, talking and rattling around dishes, and realize she’s speaking to Kaiden. Pretending to still be asleep, I flutter my lids closed and try not to think about the hard muscle under my cheek.
“I think it’ll be good for them,” Grandma says quietly, her footsteps nearing. “I want nothing more than to see them get along like they used to. It’s been…tough.”
Kaiden doesn’t seem to buy it. His arm around me tightens gently. “And whose fault do you think that is?”
There’s a pregnant pause. “I’m not dismissing my daughter’s actions, young man. What I’m saying is that I want them to find happiness again.”
I feel eyes on me, so I force myself to remain still. The sweet smell of cinnamon wraps around me like an invisible blanket, causing my muscles to ease into him despite the tense conversation.
“I’ve made dinner reservations for the four of us tonight.” Something ruffles and then I see Grandma’s navy blue orthopedic shoes come into view through the narrow slits of my eyes. “It’s their favorite restaurant, and I’m sure you’ll find something you like as well.”
She kisses my forehead lightly.
“I love them both,” she tells him softly, her hand gently brushing my hair. I fight back a grimace from the way my scalp reacts. “I just don’t know how to fix them.”
Kaiden’s thumb brushes the bare skin of my stomach where my shirt must have ridden up during my nap. I bite back making a noise, but the slightest jerk of my body in his hand causes him to press down knowingly.
“Do you think forcing them to eat dinner across from each other will really help?” he doubts.
“What else can I do?”
“Sometimes we can’t do anything.”
Grandma moves away, her touch disappearing along with the cherry blossom scent from her lotion. “I don’t believe that. When you love people as much I love these two, you find ways to help heal them.”
“What if the damage is too much?”
Grandma’s steps stop. “Healing doesn’t mean the damage never existed. It just means that it can no longer control our lives. I sincerely hope you remember that. I know a hurt soul when I see one, boy. You and Emery are one in the same, which means you’re also tough. It doesn’t matter what battle you’re fighting, it only matters that you’re willing to fight.”
“And what is Emery fighting?”
Grandma doesn’t answer right away. “I suppose if you don’t already know, it’s not my place to tell you. You came here for her. You care. Give her time to tell you herself.”
I swallow and try to calm my pounding heartbeat. Can Kaiden feel it? Hear it? My anxiety over him knowing the truth drums the beat louder until my ears thump along.
Grandma leaves the room and I remain still. My eyes open to a muted television screen. The show on now is one I don’t recognize. The time on the clock says it’s almost four thirty.
“You can get up now,” he says.
I lick my lips and sit up, sneaking a peek at him through my lashes. “I didn’t mean to fall asleep on you.”
His arms go to his chest. “Your grandmother seems to think we’re the same person. Not sure if I should take that as a compliment or not.”
I frown. “Am I that bad?”
He levels with me. “You’re holding something back from me.”
His accusation makes me roll my eyes, which he doesn’t find amusing. “Just because I don’t tell you everything doesn’t mean I’m holding it back. There’s a lot we don’t know about each other, Kaiden.”
His lips twitch. It’s almost like he’s weighing his response options. He can’t disagree with me because I’m not wrong. But that won’t stop him from commenting something snarky back, because that’s his defense mechanism.
“I suppose this is where we exchange boring facts about ourselves?” he guesses, deadpan. “Am I supposed to tell you that my favorite color is black and that I listen to emo music and self-loathe in the darkness of my bedroom?”
My brows go up and I stifle a giggle. “I don’t know. Do you?”
He eyes me.
I smile and shrug. “You’re probably the kind of guy who loves the color gray even though it’s boring. Heather gray, not light. And you don’t listen to emo music, whatever that is, you listen to rap. Probably R&B too. I bet you loathe country music based on the principle alone, and that the only thing you do in the darkness of your room is—” I stop myself and blush. “Uh, well, you know.”
“I don’t know.” Leaning in close to me, he whispers, “What do I do in the darkness of my room, Mouse?”
His breath tickles my nose, causing me to wiggle it. “What every guy probably does.”
“Which is…?”
My eyes widen. “You can’t honestly expect me to say it. My grandma is in the house somewhere.”
His eyes dance with mischief. “Tell me what I do in my room.”
I swallow. “Sleep.”
“And?”
I try glancing away, but he won’t let me. He turns my head to face him, our eyes locking. His fingers remain on my chin so I won’t look anywhere else.
“Watch movies?”
He smirks. “Wrong.”
“Do homework?”
“Try again.”
My whole face heats up.
“Say it, Mouse.”
“T-Touch yourself?”
His whole face lights up. I try moving away, but he keeps me locked in place. “Tell me something. Do you touch yourself?”
My jaw drops.
There’s no way he just asked me that.
Except…he’s Kaiden.
“I’m not answering that.”
He let’s go of my chin. “That’s a yes, then.”
“What? No, I—”
He winks. Winks. “We all do it. The fact that you’re too embarrassed to say you get yourself off just confirms it.”
My neck tingles.
Not wanting to egg him on, I swing my legs over and plant my feet on the floor. “I should probably see if Grandma needs help with anything. So—”
He tugs me back down onto the couch when I’m halfway to standing, causing me to flinch. I draw my arm back and rub it, causing him to study me. “It’s your turn.”
My…?
“You’re not a girly girl, so it’s safe to say pink isn’t your favorite color. My best guess is that yellow is since you wear it most often. I know you’re obsessed with that happy-go-lucky song about sunshine and shit, so you’re probably into indie rock and country too. You’re a nerd, so I know you spend most of your time in your bedroom doing homework and reading. When you’re not touching yourself, of course.”
I grab a pillow and smack him in the chest with it. “Would you stop? I do not touch myself!”
Grandma walks in at the exact moment, her lips turning upward. “Interesting conversation to walk into. Emmy, your mother just called. She’s going to meet us at Le Sal’s restaurant in half an hour.”
Trying to pretend Grandma didn’t just hear me tell Kaiden about what I do or don’t do in the confines of my bedroom, I nod. “That sounds like fun. I’ve been craving their chocolate mousse for a while.”
She grabs her car keys. “I’ll warm up the car. If you want to change, I think we’ll leave in about fifteen minutes. We need to beat traffic.”
I nod and watch her button her coat before leaving Kaiden and me alone again. He’s still clutching the pillow I hit him with, so I grab another one and smack him again. “You’re a jackass.”
He just smiles.
I sigh and throw the pillow back onto the couch beside me. “For the record, I love most music. I grew up on classic rock though. It’s a preference of m
ine.”
His eyes scan over my face. “I can probably guess a lot more about you.”
Please don’t, I silently groan.
I know asking him not to will only make him want to torture me more.
“You’ve never been kissed.”
My eyes bulge.
He scoots closer. “You’ve never slept with anyone before.”
His knee brushes my leg.
“You haven’t lived yet, Em.”
Pressing my lips together, I lean back to put a little distance between us. “And that stuff is supposed to help me live?”
His lips quirk. “They’re a start.”
“Technically,” I point out, “I did sleep with you, so that scratches one of those items off the list.”
His eyes spark. “Is that an invitation to help you scratch off more?”
“Dream on, buddy.”
He taps my nose. “I’m sure you’ll be a welcoming feature in them tonight. Especially if you press your ass against my—”
The front door opens and I death glare Kaiden into silence. His smirk tells me he’s saving this conversation for later, something I don’t look forward to.
Grandma glances at us as she peels off her coat, not saying a word. I’m not sure she needs to, because her eyes dance with as much amusement as Kaiden’s does. Standing up, I flatten my shirt down and inspect my outfit. Too lazy to change, I head into my room and put on a pair of socks and shoes before grabbing a scarf and my jacket.
Kaiden and Grandma are talking, but stop when I show back up.
Grandma smiles.
Kaiden winks.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Le Sal’s is the town’s best-known restaurant. It doesn’t have any limitations, they serve everything from pizza and wings on game days in their bar area, to lobster in the main dining room. In the summer, the patio is full of people surrounding the glass tables, under cover from the sun’s rays using the beige umbrellas as they talk amongst themselves.
Even Dad loved coming here. He’d always order the steak and potatoes no matter how much Lo would tell him to try something new. She was never better. Her and I always got chicken tenders and fries, though sometimes instead of honey mustard she would ask for ranch.
It’s busy when we arrive, so Grandma says she’s glad she made reservations. As we wait to see the hostess, I glance around the room with Kaiden nearly pressed against my back. The noise is overwhelming in the front dining area, the main one, so I hope we get put in the back. Mama usually hates it there. She thinks the waitresses forget us, but it’s all I hope for to avoid getting another headache.
Kaiden dips down behind me. “Swanky place for such a small town.”
I giggle. “Did you just use the word swanky?”
He grins in return.
We step closer to the hostess station. “I used to love coming here. We’d make it a tradition to come at least once a week. Thursdays always worked best because it wasn’t as crowded.”
When the hostess asks us if we have a reservation, she searches our name and tells us Mama is waiting. I’m relieved when we’re guided to the back dining room, where Mama is tucked away in the corner.
As soon as she sees us, her lips twitch into a tiny smile. It doesn’t last very long, and I wonder what she’s thinking.
Do you really want to know?
The hostess gives us menus and makes sure we all have silverware at our seats before telling us our waitress will be right with us. Before I can put much thought into where to sit, Kaiden pulls out the chair next to me and gestures for me to take it. Grandma sits next to Mama, so I shrug off my scarf and jacket and drape them both over the back of the chair before sitting.
We’re quiet while we scan the menu for drinks and food, and in no time we all have our orders in by a bubbly brunette who keeps smiling at Kaiden like he’s the only one at the table. When she scribbles down my chicken tenders and fries, I’m not even sure if she hears what kind of dipping sauce I want because she’s batting her lashes at him.
The bitter feeling returns to my chest, and I want to grumble it away. I know what it is, I just don’t want to accept it.
Jealousy.
When she’s gone, the quiet continues. Kaiden looks at me and then Mama, not saying a word. Maybe he’s expecting her to start the conversation.
I play with the wrapper from my straw, folding it like an accordion before flattening it back out.
Grandma starts the conversation. “So, how was everybody’s day? Kids, you should tell Joanne about where all you went.”
I squirm in my seat and toy with my napkin. “I just took Kaiden to the mall and we got some froyo after.”
Mama nods, seemingly interested. “Did you buy anything?”
I shake my head.
There were a few books I considered getting at a tiny book boutique we went into. Kaiden even offered to buy them, but they were way too much money. I dragged him out before he could go back for them.
Kaiden sinks into his seat, and his comfort tells me he’s getting ready to settle into a conversation I don’t want him to begin. “Why didn’t you call her?”
I tense.
Mama lips part slightly.
He reaches out and sips his water. “Just seems strange that you’d let a man who left his family let his daughter move in with him without a fight.”
I kick him under the table, but he doesn’t even flinch.
He sets his glass down. “I acknowledge that it’s none of my business, but your daughter does live with me now. Since you don’t seem to care, somebody has to.”
“Kaiden,” I warn.
He won’t look anywhere but Mama.
She blinks rapidly, and when her head moves I see the slight shine to her teary eyes. I close mine, not wanting to see the color change.
“You’re right,” she says softly.
My eyes snap open.
She’s looking at him, not me. “I can’t sit here and pretend like I’ve been a good mother to Emery.”
Surprise colors my face.
Her eyes shift to mine. “Sunshine, I need to get better. I need…you to get better.” I hold my breath, praying she doesn’t say more on the topic. She gives me the smallest, saddest smile. “I signed up for a support group a while ago. One of my coworkers left a brochure on my desk and I couldn’t throw it out. I know I should have gone a long time ago, but…”
But what?
But you were scared?
But you were in denial?
But you thought you were fine?
“It’s been helping. They suggested I put Logan’s pictures in an album and change up your old bedroom for something new. I…I visit her grave a few times a week. They made me accept that I’ve treated everything since her death so poorly, and I can’t apologize enough to you for that. I don’t know how to fix it, which is why I thought you seeing your father would be best. You and him…he deserves to have you back in his life, Sunshine.
“Having you here means the world to me, and I haven’t shown it,” she continues, reaching out to me. “Maybe once I get more of the help I should have accepted years ago, we can try this again. I need—” She closes her eyes and squeezes my hand, and I accept the pain—both hers and my own. “I just need more time. You’ve given me years and so much love, so I hate to ask for more. But it’s what I need.”
Time.
Time is my greatest enemy.
Doesn’t she understand that?
But then I look at her. Really look.
I see the features I notice on my face when I chance a look in the mirror. I see heartache and pain and unspoken emotion in the bags beneath her eyes. Her cheeks aren’t damp and people aren’t staring and there’s nothing out of the ordinary about us.
We’re a family having dinner.
We’re a family with problems. We’re riddled with imperfections and flaws and struggles like anyone else in the room.
We’re just buried in years worth of pent up frustration
and anger and guilt over it.
She wants time.
I’ll give her time.
One more hand squeeze and we’re both settled back in our chairs.
We eat dinner in peace—in necessary silence.
Kaiden looks at me.
I don’t look back.
When we get back to the house, Kaiden pulls me away from Mama and Grandma. He grabs the blanket from the back of his car and tugs me toward Lo’s grave. I don’t protest and ask why he’s doing this. I just let his hand envelope mine until he let’s go to get the blanket situated on the ground.
It is way too cold to stay out here for long, but I somehow welcome the uncomfortable chill. We get too used to finding comfort in things we shouldn’t—accepting what is instead of questioning it. So, I hug my knees to my chest and stare at Lo’s grave.
It’s already getting dark, which means the temperature will only get colder. Since Kaiden likes to scold me for being outside, I’m sure the sycamore and grave outings won’t last once winter officially greats us. The snow will ruin our chances to escape our family, and I wonder if he’s as sad as me about it.
I don’t ask.
I sit.
I stare.
I sulk.
Closing my eyes, I rest my cheek on my knee. The warmth from my leggings soaks into my cold skin, and I wrap my arms a little tighter around my shins.
“What did she mean?” he asks, breaking the silence after a few minutes.
I open my eyes to see him watching me.
“She said you needed to get better.”
I press my lips together.
“Emery,” he all but growls.
I sigh, knowing it was only a matter of time before this happened. The sick girl can’t live dormant forever, not even in the eyes of someone who doesn’t want to see a problem.
He treats me like anyone else.
He messes with me.
He’s rude.
He’s cruel.
Oddly, I don’t want that to end.
“Does it matter?” is my reply.
His eyes narrow.
I scoot closer to him. For warmth, for comfort, for anything but the truth he seeks. “I get angry with you a lot for the stuff you do. It’s like you don’t care about hurting anybody’s feelings—Cam, Rachel, me.”