by Celeste, B.
Mr. Nichols announced that Book Club wouldn’t continue when school started again in January. There wasn’t enough interest and the school felt it wouldn’t be appropriate if it were just him with two young girls. I’m not sure what they’re so worried about. Nichols has never been inappropriate with any of his students, even when the female students showed him no mercy. Maybe the school is worried for his safety.
Dad and Cam tell me that there may be a reading club I could join at the city’s library, but I know in my gut that it’s better if I just keep reading in the confines of my room. At least then I won’t have to argue about an author’s point or the reason why books will always be better than the real world.
Fiction has a way of revealing the types of truths that reality obscures. There’s nothing that books can’t talk about, regardless of how readers interpret them. We can accept or deny what we want, but the facts are still immortalized on paper.
Kaiden knows I’m upset over Book Club ending, but he can see the paleness to the skin and the bags weighing under my eyes. He says it’s probably better if I get home sooner to rest.
More time to play later, he adds. He jokes around about it, but I think there’s underlying worry that he hides with humor.
It’s only been a couple weeks since we first had sex, and since, I’ve been too nervous of the pain to do it again. Sometimes we make out until we fall asleep, and other times we’ll explore each other’s bodies until he senses my hesitation to go farther.
He never pushes.
Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, which Kaiden seems to dread. He told me that Cam gets everyone up early to have cinnamon rolls and open one present of our choosing.
“Mama used to ask us what we wanted for Christmas Eve,” I tell him when he asks if our family had any traditions. “Usually we could choose something small, like pajamas or books. Sometimes they’d let us have our stockings too, because they were full of candy and little trinkets.”
The last Christmas holiday we spent together as a whole family, Dad had given me both the gifts I wanted even though we were only supposed to get one. I still have the Harry Potter series on its own little shelf, along with a few action figures, wands, and collectables that Dad gifted me throughout the years since. He’d also gifted me Hufflepuff pajamas that I still have tucked away in my dresser even though they don’t fit. I wanted to throw them out when he left, but I couldn’t do it.
I smile. “Lo got mad when Dad gave me more presents than her one year. She kept telling him she didn’t want anything, and then threw a fit when I opened my presents. Mama was upset at Dad the rest of the night, but I don’t think he minded because I practically fell running up the stairs to change into my new pjs.”
Logan had gotten Cinderella pajamas because she would watch that movie nonstop and talk about finding her own Prince Charming. Mama would tease Dad about how hard it’d be to see their little girls date because there was no doubt Lo would be a handful.
Smile slipping, I lick my bottom lip and glance over at him from the movie. “Anyway, our traditions would usually start on the night of Christmas Eve. After dinner, we’d open our one present and then snack on cookies while waiting for Dr. Seuss’s How the Grinch Stole Christmas to come on. Our parents would always make us go to bed after that because Santa would be on his way.”
Rolling my eyes, I let out a tiny laugh. “I think Lo tried telling me once that Santa didn’t exist. She’d been snooping through Mama’s closet and found wrapped presents that had Santa’s name on it.”
He looks amused. “You didn’t believe her? Did she show you the presents?”
I shake my head. “I think once she realized I still believed in the creepy guy, she didn’t want to ruin it. Plus, I’m pretty sure Mama moved the presents once she realized Lo had been looking around.”
The arm he has around me tightens for a moment before loosening. “Your sister loved you, huh?”
I rest my cheek on his chest. “Of course she did. Lo loved everybody. It didn’t matter what they did to her, she looked past the bad things and saw the good. Like when Dad left. She never stayed angry at him like me.”
“When did she…?”
Biting down on my lip, I close my eyes and let out a heavy breath. “A year after he left, give or take. She never saw the version of Mama I did after he moved out or when she got sicker. I kind of owed it to her to keep her in the dark for as long as I could.”
His thumb brushes against my arm in circular motions. I sink into him and the feeling he creates. “Why?”
I reach up and thread our fingers together, letting a moment pass before I answer him. “She let me believe in Santa. She deserved to believe in Mama for as long as she needed to.”
I just wish she’d got to for a little longer.
My shoulder hurts throughout the next day, making it hard to roll the cookie dough like Cam asks me to do. After waking up draped across Kaiden, my entire side was stiff. He tried helping me up when he noticed I was struggling, but I kept telling him I was fine.
Now he’s side eyeing me from the other end of the island where Cam put him to work placing the cookies on the sheet to cool off. He told me to stay in bed and watch movies, but I could hear Cam frantically rushing around downstairs and wanted to help. Now that I can barely flatten the remaining dough in front of me, it seems like I’m holding them back from finishing.
Dad left to go pick up Mama and Grandma right before we started, saying he’d take them to their hotel before bringing them here to have an early dinner with us. I’ve been nervous about it since I woke up, the worry of how Mama will act plaguing my conscience any time I’m not being distracted by cookies or meal plans or Christmas music.
Kaiden appears next to me, gently nudging me out of the way and taking over. “I can’t keep watching you mess these up,” he comments, shooting me a wink.
Cam gasps. “Kaiden!”
I wave it off. “He’s right. I’m not doing a very good job. Maybe I can help decorate them when they’re ready?”
Cam’s expression brightens. “Of course, sweetie! It’s Kaiden’s favorite part. When he was little—”
Kaiden groans.
“—he would bounce in his seat until we got the frosting ready to color and apply. He’d spend at least ten minutes on each cookie trying to add the right amount of detail and yell at anyone who just slapped the frosting and sprinkles on them.”
“Dad wouldn’t even spread the damn frosting around. He just put a spoonful on top and doused the thing with whatever sprinkles was closest to him.”
Cam laughs. “He did that on purpose.”
I grin. “Are you still like that?”
Kaiden says, “No” the same time Cam answers, “Yes.”
Glancing between them, I see how light Cam’s eyes are as she watches her son. The holidays are meant to bring people together, and it seems like it has here.
Cam looks from him to me. “He’s nowhere near as obsessed with perfection, but if we put him in a baking competition, he’d win first place hands down.”
Kaiden’s face turns pink. “Mom. Jesus.”
Cam’s eyes widen as she stares at him.
He grumbles and rolls the dough flat, not meeting her teary eyes.
I can’t help but stare though, because the watery gaze she gives Kaiden is nothing like the one I’m used to seeing from Mama. Cam’s is full of awe and love knowing her son finally called her something other than her first name. It’s so beautiful I feel like I shouldn’t be intruding on the moment.
Jabbing my finger behind me, I make an excuse to go to my room. I suppose I could be honest and admit I need to lie down, but instead I tell them I have presents left to wrap. Considering I don’t have any money, it’s a stupid one to make, but neither says a word.
Once I’m in my room, I play with the beaded bracelet on my wrist before walking over to my dresser and pulling out the old pair of Harry Potter pajamas. Running my fingers across the worn, dingy material, I set them
on the bed and stare.
If Kaiden can let Cam in, I can do the same for Dad. Mama too if she’ll let me. The difference between them is that Dad let me in a long time ago—when he said yes to moving in, when he picked me up, when he brought me back to visit. He’s tried more than Mama has. It’s her turn to let me in.
After playing around with a couple items from my room, I stand back and smile at the outcome of my makeshift Christmas Eve present. Dad didn’t ask for it, but I think that’s what makes it more special.
Running my hand over the thick frame housing my flattened Hufflepuff shirt with a picture of Lo and me as kids, I swallow past the lump in my throat.
After stealing some wrapping paper from Cam, I finish taping up the end before setting the gift off to the side. Finally taking Kaiden’s advice, I grab his laptop from where he keeps it on my nightstand and put on a cheesy Christmas movie before pulling the blankets around me.
Still aching, I rest on my back and feel my lids grow heavy before I succumb to sleep.
“Emery.”
“Emery.”
Someone is shaking me, pulling me away from a nap that I don’t want to end. I can feel the exhaustion settle into my body—limbs heavy and brain foggy and back sore. I grumble and try ignoring the intruder, but they keep persisting.
“Wake up, baby.”
“Go away, Kaiden,” I murmur, wanting to push him away. He usually lets me sleep when I need it, so I’m not sure why he’s being pushy now.
A throat clears. “Not me, Mouse.”
My eyes crack open, and the first thing I see is Mama beside me. She’s sitting on the edge of my bed with a weary smile on her face. Grandma and Kaiden are off to the side, Kaiden leaning against my dresser and Grandma looking amused from behind Mama.
“Does your stepbrother usually call you baby?” Grandma asks. Her curiosity is mixed with a teasing tone, which makes me blush.
Mama squeezes my shoulder. “You look a little pale, Em.”
Em. I haven’t heard her call me that in a long time. It almost sounds off coming from her unpainted lips.
“I’m okay,” I say, sitting up. She helps me, noticing my slowness, and then hugs me to her until I’m breathing in her lavender scent.
“When did you guys get here?” I look at Grandma and smile, reaching out to squeeze her hand before pulling away from Mama.
“Only ten minutes ago,” she answers.
“I’m glad you came.”
She glances at Kaiden, then Grandma, and then back to me. “Can I speak to you alone for a moment?”
Wanting to ask Kaiden to stay might not be a good idea, because I don’t know what she’s planning on talking to me about. Based on her distant study of his casual demeanor, I think he is a big part of it.
“We’ll be downstairs,” Grandma says, tugging Kaiden along with her. He relents, shooting me an amused grin before Grandma closes my bedroom door behind them.
“Please be careful, Sunshine.”
I blink slowly, unsure of where this is heading.
She takes my hand in hers. “That boy has heartbreak written all over his face, and the circumstances aren’t exactly ideal for you two.”
At first, I’m not sure what the feeling in my chest is, but it builds up and up the more I replay her words. That’s when I realize that it’s anger.
“No.”
Her lips part.
“No,” I repeat, pulling my hand away from hers, “you don’t get to warn me away from people. I love you, Mama, but you gave up that right a long time ago.”
“Em—”
“Kaiden has been in my corner from the very beginning,” I inform her gingerly. “He’s annoying and sometimes downright rude, but he’s also a realist, probably more so than anyone else I know. He tells it how it is even if it hurts. I need him in my life.”
She’s speechless.
“He’s my friend,” I continue quietly, making sure she meets my eye. “He’s my only friend since Logan died. When things get tough here because Dad doesn’t get it or kids at school irritate me, he’s there. Not you. You were the reason I even came here, and I’m not blaming you for it. We both needed this, Mama. You needed time before you could ask for it, and I needed space before I could admit it.”
Mama and I were bad for each other.
But we could get better.
“You brought me to Dad. To Kaiden.”
Her eyes don’t glisten, but her lips falter like she wants to frown. I won’t let her though, because I’m not sad. She shouldn’t be either.
“I’m happy, Mama.”
I mean it.
I hold her hand again. “Being here makes me happy. Now it’s time for you to be happy too.”
That makes her smile. “I’m trying, Sunshine.”
For once, I believe her.
Chapter Thirty-Six
Dad tears up when he opens his gift. He stares at it for so long, I start to worry that I should have chosen something else. Maybe not even given him anything at all.
Then he hugs me. A big bear hug like I remember from when I was little. He’d wrap both me and Lo in his arms and squeeze until we giggled and latched onto him too.
I start tearing up too, which makes Cam get emotional. Mama and Grandma sit on the couch watching, Grandma smiling and Mama doing the exact opposite. Her lips are twitching downward until she’s frowning, and Kaiden notices too.
Focusing back on Dad, I brush the frame in his hands. “It’s my favorite pair you ever gave me. I thought…”
I shrug, not knowing what I thought.
Dad’s throat bobs as he brushes my face with his thumb. “I love you, baby girl. Always have and always will.”
So why didn’t you try harder? I want to ask. Only, I don’t because I remind myself that we’re trying to move forward not back.
Mama’s frown deepens when I return to the spot between her and Grandma. Thankfully, the gift exchange is over and we’re all full from dinner, which means Dad will take them back to their hotel soon.
Mama was relatively quiet at dinner. She asked me how school was, and I told her okay. Cam mentioned Book Club, so I explained how it ended, and Dad brought up my report card because I made the principal’s list with all A’s.
Nobody was surprised.
When Mama asked Kaiden about school, there was motive weaved into her words. I studied her as he replied something generic, while Cam intervened and told Mama that Kaiden is graduating in June. That’s when she asked him about college.
Honestly, I never thought about Kaiden going away. Not once has he brought up attending college anywhere. I’m not even sure if he applied … until Cam started talking about his early acceptance to Colgate University to play lacrosse. Apparently a bunch of scouts were at his games last year and he got offers all over.
Massachusetts.
Philadelphia.
Maryland.
Of course Mama would ask why he chose a college in New York when he could have traveled, but Kaiden never offered an explanation. She can assume whatever she wants, but he would have had to accept one shortly after I moved here and we barely talked at that point. His family is here—his past. Not all of us want to escape it.
Now Mama watches everyone like she’s putting something together in her head. I’ve stopped wanting to figure out what because it only hurts me more to guess. Grandma always changes conversation to something lighter if the topic gets too difficult or the silence grows too thick. She’s always been good at that.
Shortly after presents, Grandma gathers their things to get ready for Dad to take them back to their hotel. When I go to the kitchen to grab a glass of water and take my medicine, Mama and Dad are by the back counter with their backs to me.
“…doesn’t need to know that.”
“How long, Joanne?” Dad whispers harshly, crossing his arms. His back and shoulders are tense as he stares at her.
I stay hidden behind the wall, biting my lip as I study Mama from around the doorwa
y. Her head is down, her hands resting on the edge of the counter like she’s a child being scolded. “I was angry, Henry. You can’t blame me after what you said.”
Dad throws his hands up. “She’s still my daughter, for Christ’s sake. Did you ever tell her about the terms you made me agree to?”
I swallow. What is he talking about?
“No.”
“No,” he repeats blandly. “She’s hated me for years. I’m not an idiot. If she knew the damn truth, maybe things would be different now between us.”
A hand curls around my arm, startling me. I look over my shoulder to see Kaiden, whose finger is pressed against his lips like he’s shushing me. Settling into his body, I peak back over at my parents.
“One of us is telling her, Joanne. I don’t give a shit which one it is, but she needs to know that I never intentionally avoided her.”
Drawing back in surprise, Kaiden wraps an arm around my waist. When I gather my bearings, I try escaping his grasp to confront them. Kaiden tightens his grip and backs us up despite my silent protests.
When we get to the living room, I turn around and glare at him. “Seriously? I need to talk to them.”
“No, you don’t.”
“Kaid—”
“Trust me,” he says quietly, letting go of me when he sees I’ll listen.
Sighing, I find Grandma watching us with interest. Ignoring whatever she must be thinking, I walk over and give her a hug. “I’m glad you’re here. I think I’m going upstairs for the night though. Maybe watch a movie with Kaiden or something.”
One of her white brows rises. “Is that what the kids are calling it these days?”
My whole face heats as Kaiden chuckles from behind us. “It’s not like that.”
Grandma rolls her eyes and swats my butt as I turn around. “I’m old, not naive, Emmy. I personally don’t see a problem with it. I’m sure I’ve done far worse in my youth, and he’s a looker. You could certainly do worse too.”
Groaning, I make my way to the stairs with Kaiden following close behind. “I like your grandma.”