by Celeste, B.
Is he…? I giggle. “Are you jealous? Of Mr. Nichols?”
He looks irritated. “Don’t be stupid.”
I laugh. “You so are.” I shake my head and get in the car, setting my bag down and wait for him to join me. “Your coach just made a comment about coming to the games so you keep playing the way you did today.”
His shoulders loosen. “Is that all?”
Rolling my eyes, I shrug. “It was just how he said it. It’s like he assumed you played better because I was there. I don’t know, it seemed weird. He knows I’m your stepsister.”
“So what did Nichols want?”
“Oh my God, Kaiden. Really?”
He turns on the car and blasts the heat before pulling out of his spot. “The guy just rubs me the wrong way. He’s always talking to you.”
“Jealous,” I singsong. “For your information, he was asking what I planned on doing next year. He thinks I should take college courses here for credit.”
“You should,” he agrees simply.
“We’ll see.”
“Stop acting like you won’t be able to.”
“Stop acting like you can predict the future,” I fire back, staring out the window. “It isn’t like I think it’s a bad idea, I just don’t want to commit yet.”
“What do you want to commit to?”
The question takes me by surprise. Why would he even ask me something like that? I want to commit to getting through junior year. It’s all I can think about.
I know that’s not what he means though.
“Are we friends, Kaiden?” My voice is unsure, a tone I’m used to hearing. It just wasn’t when it came to defining us.
The car slows to a stop. “Do you really need to ask that, Mouse?”
My lips part. “Well…” No? “Yeah, I guess. You said you don’t do labels. It’s not like I expect anything. It would just be nice to know that we’re friends, because…”
You’re the only one I have.
“Yeah,” he says softly. “We’re friends.”
I smile and ease into my seat. “Not to get mushy or whatever, but you’re kind of my best friend. Annabel and I talk at school sometimes, but we’ve never exchanged numbers or planned to hangout.”
“So I’m your best friend by default,” he muses, seemingly unfazed.
I reach out and grab his free hand, which rests on the gearshift. “I’ve always considered Lo my best friend. Even all this time because she was willing to love me for who I am.”
He squeezes my hand. “Are you going to make me say it?”
I roll my eyes. “You don’t have to tell me. It’s in the way you accept me despite my problems. Even if you’re annoying about hot English teachers.”
He curses. “You think he’s hot?”
I just grin.
He sighs. “For what it’s worth, you’re my best friend too, Mouse.”
I smile to myself victoriously.
“Still don’t like Nichols though,” he grumbles, before holding my hand in silence all the way home.
The weeks go on without interruption. School, practice, homework, movie nights. I get to witness the first lacrosse game of the season, where Cam does cheer the loudest, and Dad whoops and hollers until I get a headache. Exeter wins the first two games and loses the third one, but that doesn’t deter anyone’s spirit.
On nights when I’m feeling halfway human, I ask Kaiden to show me how to touch him in every way he likes. First with my hands, then my mouth. He always returns the favor with a grin on his face, and looks cocky when I have to cover my face with a pillow as I come.
It’s been over two months since we had sex, and it isn’t like I don’t want to do it again. In fact, not so long ago I thought it’d happen again when I moved wrong over Kaiden and cried out from the pain shooting down my back and hips. He’d grabbed me some pain relievers and covered us both before falling asleep.
On Valentine’s Day, I find chocolate and a card in my locker. The chocolate is some fancy brand I’ve never heard of, and the card has a mouse on it holding a ribbon-wrapped wedge of cheese in its hands. I keep it on my nightstand at home, smiling every time I pass it.
Not long after Valentine’s Day, I woke up to more hair on my pillow. Kaiden didn’t freak out like Mama did, which made me feel a little better. He could tell I wasn’t all right though, because he kissed my cheek and told me it wasn’t a big deal. It was.
I cried while he held me, and I told him about how much I loved my hair. My hair is my femininity. It’s what makes me feel pretty. Every flare I lost more and more until it got shorter each time.
The day following my meltdown in Kaiden’s arms, he drove me to his mother’s salon and the same hairdresser I usually have gave me a short pixie cut from a magazine Kaiden and I looked at for styles. It’s one I could play with and make messy and cute or leave to airdry and have it sleek and sexy. I teared up when I saw the hair on the white tile, but I would have cried harder seeing it on my pillowcase.
I got to choose to let it go, even if the choice was one I was forced to make. Kaiden told me I looked beautiful. Cam hugged me and told me I was stunning. And Dad kissed my cheek and told me I looked just like Mama.
Their support made it easier, even on the days I felt like everyone stared at the way my neck and ears were exposed. No longer could I hide behind my hair like a shield when I was uncomfortable. People could gawk at me and I’d know it—I’d feel their eyes burned on my face. I even considered asking Dad if I could get my ears pierced just to feel more girly, as if everyone stared like I was less so without long locks.
Kaiden told me I was stupid.
Then told me I was beautiful again.
Fuck them, Mouse. They don’t matter.
I wanted to ask if he did, but I already knew the answer. His opinion mattered more than my own, because I didn’t have to stare at myself like he did. He thought I was pretty even without my long hair or pierced ears or lack of makeup. I wasn’t the kind of feminine most people considered, but it didn’t change his mind about wanting to spend time with me or kiss me or watch movies with me.
Dad and I spend more time together than we used to. When he watches TV after dinner, I’ll sit with him and comment on the show he watches, usually sports or news related. Sometimes he’ll let me choose, and it makes me giggle when he pretends to get into the reality show I pick. When Kaiden and Cam join us, the guys pick on one of the girls while Cam and I defend them, even if we sort of agree with the ridiculous behavior the guys point out.
Exeter has become the home I didn’t know I lacked. Family dinner is always filled with easy conversation and funny banter, game days are full of team spirit, and with every passing week I start feeling like I’m part of something more than a fractured family.
After English class, I’m halfway to my locker when I hear giggling from behind me. I feel a familiar tingle of unwanted attention on my back, so I casually look over my shoulder as I put my books away and grab my coat.
Rachel and some girls I see her hanging around with all the time are staring at me. One of them flips their hair when she catches my eyes, and Rachel grins like the Cheshire cat. It makes me nervous when she tells them something before walking over to me.
Closing my locker, I turn to face her.
She gives me a once over. “It looks like being in a relationship is really becoming of you, Em. They say being in love adds at least twenty pounds.”
I gape at her. “I’m not dating anyone.”
She scoffs. “Please. I told you when you first came here that Kaiden always gets what he wants. People still talk, even when he tells them not to. His teammates are worse gossips than the cheerleaders.”
Pressing my lips together, I glance at her friends. They’re invested in our exchange, along with a few stragglers. Kaiden ditched after lunch to celebrate some guy’s birthday from the team. He told me he’d pick me up after school.
“Kaiden and I—”
“You sit in on pract
ices,” she cuts me off, one perfectly sculpted brow raising. “Nobody else is allowed to do that. He’s been sitting with you at lunch with some of his teammates. They’ve practically adopted you.”
“That’s because we live together.”
“Like I said—” She steps closer. “His teammates like to gossip. Every time he flirts with you, touches you, or looks at you a certain way, we’ll know about it. And come on, Mouse. You look at him like he’s your savior.”
How does she know about his nickname to me? Up until a couple months ago, he never sat with me at lunch much less spoke to me during school hours. The first time my table was full, I was so shocked I just sat there and stared at all the guys picking on each other.
Don’t look so surprised, Mouse.
That’s what he told me.
I sigh. “We’re friends, Rachel.”
“With benefits, knowing Kaiden.”
I don’t grace her with a reply.
“All I’m saying,” she tells me, “is that you should lay off the carbs and participate more in gym. Regardless of you confirming or denying what everyone already assumes, it’s no secret you’ve gained weight.”
The confidence Kaiden gives me every time he spares me a glance, no matter how long or short, simmers and disappears with every jab Rachel throws at me. She wants to see me defeated, just like any mean girl does. She feeds off my reaction, especially if it makes me the inferior of us.
She warned me she wouldn’t play nice if I became true competition. I don’t think she understands my dynamic with Kaiden though. I’m not sure he and I do either.
Rachel stares at my face, tilting her head and taking in the layered pieces of my pixie. “I mean, it could be the new hair. Unless there’s another reason you’re packing on pounds…”
She cannot seriously be insinuating that I’m pregnant. “Why can’t you mind your own business? It doesn’t matter if or why I gained weight.”
Her eyes roll, but she relents. “Whatever you say, Mouse. Give Kaiden my best. He should really return my texts. I miss him.”
Grinding my teeth, I walk out the front doors leaving their loud laughter behind me.
I noticed that my clothes fit me differently, especially my jeans. It isn’t my waist that the denim hugs tighter, it’s my legs. And despite trying not to let it get to me, my reflection does look different. My cheeks are fuller, the bones less defined, and my chin is slightly rounder than I’m used to.
At first, I thought I looked better. Healthier. I can still fit into my clothes, so it isn’t a huge weight change, but it’s an unwarranted one. My diet hasn’t been anything out of the ordinary. If anything, my appetite is limited thanks to the pulsing pain.
If people are starting to notice at school, what does everyone at home think? Kaiden has seen me naked more and more lately, and he talks about how much he loves my body. He’ll trace my slight curves and caress every inch of skin like he can’t help it. Never once has he commented on me looking different.
When I slip into his waiting car, he immediately notices my mood. “What happened?”
“Your friends like to talk.”
“They’re idiots.”
I stare at my hands that are folded in my lap. “Do you think I’m getting fat?”
“What the fuck kind of question is that?”
“One I want you to answer honestly.”
His reply is immediate. “You’re not fat, Mouse. Not even close. Whoever said that is an asshole that I’ll happily deal with.”
Part of me wants to rat out Rachel, but I don’t want to deal with the repercussions. When you have little energy to begin with, you don’t want to waste it on the wrong people.
“It doesn’t matter,” I murmur.
“You’re upset. It matters.”
I sigh loudly. “Things have been weird with me lately. I know I’ve filled out, but I didn’t think anyone really noticed.”
He’s silent for too long, staring out the windshield with his hand twitching on the gearshift. “You don’t think that you’re…?”
I smack him. “Seriously? Do you not remember when I snapped at you two weeks ago because I was moody and you bought me chocolate and tampons when you found out I was bleeding to death? Or two months ago when I couldn’t get out of bed because my period triggered a flare and you gave me your Mom’s heating pad?”
He raises his hands. “Shit. Sorry.”
I shake my head and stare out the window. “I’m just…angry. I didn’t mean to snap, but I don’t want people commenting on my weight. I used to be accused of anorexia when I lost too much from my disease. Now…”
He reaches out and takes my hand in his, the same thing I’ve done with him when he gets upset. Sometimes it’s over his father, or when he has a bad day. All it takes is one little touch.
I look at our hands. “Do you care that people think we’re together? They know who we are to each other. Rumors will get nasty.”
“They won’t say anything.”
“To you,” I counter. “But what about after you graduate? I’ll be known for the girl that looks like she got knocked up by her stepbrother. That’s…” I scrunch my nose. “It’s gross, to be honest.”
He snorts. “You don’t think it’s gross when I lick your pussy until you’re crying into your pillow.”
“Kaiden!”
“To answer your question,” he says shamelessly, “I don’t care what people think about us. We’re friends. Friends flirt. Nobody needs to know anything else.”
“But they assume—”
“You’re not going to get tormented when I’m gone,” he promises, his tone too determined to argue with.
If we only knew how true that was…
Chapter Thirty-Eight
March’s bipolar weather brings an odd mixture of snow storms and warm, sunny days that has more students sick than the first week of school. Since a lot of kids were out celebrating St. Patrick’s Day at parties together, nearly the entire junior and senior class was out recovering. The school closed for an extended weekend in hopes attendance would pick up first thing on Monday.
Kaiden and I spend Friday watching movies in bed. Even though he went to one of his friend’s parties, he’s one of the few who made it out without so much as a runny nose. If I had agreed to go like he tried getting me to, there’s no doubt I’d be stuffed up and hacking out a lung with the vast majority of peers.
As the credits roll on our third movie of the day, I stretch and settle into the pillows tucked behind me. They’re toasty and conformed to my body. “Have you thought more about college?”
April is right around the corner and I’ve heard Mr. Jefferson talk to Cam about Kaiden’s college opportunities. Apparently, two of the schools are holding a spot for him in case he changes his mind. He always tells them he’ll think about it and then shuts down afterward.
Closing his laptop with pressed lips in a tight line, he glances at the time on my alarm and then finally shrugs. “Not really.”
Liar. I saw him doing an online search on his laptop when he thought I fell asleep. The University of Maryland’s campus was on the screen, like he was studying it closely. He searched stats on the lacrosse team and read articles on previous games.
Trailing my fingers down his arm until he captures my wrist and slips his hand into mine, I say, “I think I’m going to take College English and History next year. I probably won’t be able to do any other advanced subject because they’re not my strong points, but it would be nice to have at least two credits out of the way.”
For a moment, I don’t think he’s going to reply. He watches me with slightly pinched brows, like he’s trying to figure out if I’m being serious or just playing. When he sees that I’ve truly considered my options, he squeezes my hand in response.
“Jefferson thinks I should accept UM’s offer,” he grumbles, resting the back of his head against the bed frame. “I think his exact words were ‘Don’t be an idiot, kid.’”
&nb
sp; That makes me laugh. “He’s right. I overheard Cam telling Dad that you’ve got a full scholarship there, the campus is beautiful, and it wouldn’t be an awful long drive to visit. It seems like she wants you to go there.”
He won’t admit that he doesn’t want to leave her behind, because he won’t damage his pride. He’s spent so long being angry at her and his father that he can’t accept he’ll miss them both if he moves away.
“It’s not forever,” I add quietly, resting my cheek of his shoulder. We sit like that for a while, holding hands, listening to each other breathing.
When he squeezes my fingers again, I wince from the sharp pain shooting up my wrist and arm. Pushing past it, I sit up and look at him until he turns his head. He only has a chance to smirk like he knows what I’m thinking before I press my lips against his softly.
He’s the one who parts them, tracing the tip of his tongue against my bottom lip before deepening the kiss. His hands go to move the laptop away before finding my waist and helping me move onto his lap. Settling with my knees on either side of him, I slowly tug up his shirt until we separate long enough to toss it onto the floor. He mimics me, taking his time peeling mine off and then unsnapping my bra and kissing my breasts with fervor.
I rock on his lap as he takes one of my nipples into his mouth and tugs on it gently with his teeth before rolling it between his lips. Tipping my head back, I continue grinding on him until he’s steel between my legs. Gripping his hair as he works my other breast the same way, I’m panting his name and building the friction I need to come undone.
“You should accept the offer,” I tell him in a breathy tone. “We all know how much you want to go there.”
He pulls back and chuckles, meeting my eyes with humor. “Are you really still talking about this?”
I kiss him, nibbling on his bottom lip, and then nod. “It’s important, Kaiden. You’re almost done with high school. That means you have a lot of choices to make.”
He flips us over so he’s hovering above me, grinning and pulling down my leggings. I arch up to get them over my butt and watch as he strips them off and throws them over his shoulder carelessly.