“I’ve had to learn to live without you.” There was a hitch in her voice. “At first, it was like a painful death. Only there was no funeral. No closure. You were just—gone.” Her arms flung wide, haphazardly.
He frowned. “We talked about this.”
“We talked about a lot of things.” She bit her bottom lip, the way she always did to keep from saying more.
“We were kids.” He knew it was the wrong thing to say as soon as the words left his mouth.
“Hmm—” She lifted her chin in defiance. “—and here I thought we were in love?”
“We were. We are. At least I am.” He felt like nothing he said would make a difference. She seemed determined to make him the heavy.
“I can’t stand—” She frowned then licked her lips, holding a hand up to keep him from coming closer. She sucked in a deep breath before saying. “I want inner peace.”
“What kind of answer is that?” How could he give her something that was out of his hands?
Jake felt wobbly. He took a seat, taking in her demeanor. Not just her facial expression but her whole countenance.
She’d changed. Not just aged but matured. A real woman in more ways than he could count.
Carrie had as much grit and determination as any of the soldiers he’d worked with. He could see that now.
“What can I say to make you give me a chance?” He quickly added. “To ask you to listen with an open heart.”
Her silence was responsible for the tightness in his chest, making it hard to breath.
Carrie came and sat across from him. She leaned on her forearms, glaring at him as if she were about to deliver an ultimatum.
“I was pregnant.” She lifted her chin. “It happened when you came home for James and Erica’s wedding.”
Jake’s ears rang.
Pregnant.
“I wasn’t even three months when I lost it.” She swallowed and sat back in the chair and added softly. “I’d been trying to figure out how to tell our folks when I miscarried.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” His question sounded like a plea. Her revelation gripped him tightly, as if a big fist was shoved into his chest, squeezing his heart.
“How could I tell you when you made it clear a relationship wasn’t on the menu, according to your precious military?”
“Still! Did you think I wouldn’t care? Or wouldn’t have been there for you?”
“You were gone. And I was on my own.” A tear slipped out of the corner of her eye, trailing down her cheek. “I only told Erica. But I suspect she told James. That’s what we were talking about when you came into the kitchen. I had to do it all on my own.”
“I’m so sorry.” Jake bowed his head. “I never meant for you to be hurt.”
Carrie folded her hands on the table. “While I’m purging my system, I might as well add that your accident is my fault, too.”
He put his hand over hers needing to touch her in some small way. “Nice try, Shortcake, but you don’t have that kind of power.”
“I went to the Wishing Well on New Year’s Eve. I said I wanted you home no matter what.”
Jake’s ears were ringing. “You can’t be serious. It’s a gimmick—a stupid well, nothing more.”
“I lost the necklace you gave me that same night. To me it was the equivalent of a bad omen. Then a couple days later your folks showed up at my office and told me what hap—” she broke off, and turned away, unable to finish.
He squeezed her hands. “You were not responsible.”
“My head knows the truth. My heart—well that’s a different story.”
“Carrie, seriously. I get I screwed up. I own that. My injuries are solely the act of terrorists, not you.” He reached for her, but she pulled away. “Let me make it up to you.”
“Not everything is about you, Jake.” The stubborn set of her mouth said she wasn’t going to let it go.
“Wait, please—”
Carrie opened her mouth then shut it. Clamped her lips together and nodded.
“Back to our conversation last night, I felt like a fraud. I’d made this grand gesture, because of my grandfather only to discover that after all my training I was as ignorant to life as ever. My first tour was a rude awakening. I was so scared I didn’t know if I’d make it back. I was starting to regret my decision. That’s why I applied for the Warrant Officer courses. I’d never be a commissioned officer, but I felt like I needed more direction.”
Carrie listened intently.
“My first mission in Afghanistan changed everything. Thor and I found a cave filled with insurgents. They were about to ambush my squad. We took care of them in short order, I can’t say more, except that I changed that day. It wasn’t football, it wasn’t baseball, it was real life and we stopped it that day.”
He watched her eyes mist. She swallowed hard and closed her eyes. When she opened them, she squeezed his hand and with no further notice, she got up and went out the back door.
Jake sat stock still. He blinked twice, letting Carrie’s revelation sink in, filling him with sadness, that he’d never known about his child. No wonder Carrie was in so much pain.
He needed to talk to Carrie. Convince her that he loved her and that they could still have the future they’d always talked about.
Jake soberly made his way back to the party. There were no chairs available when he joined them.
The noise level dropped. A head pivoted here and there, before landing on him.
Carrie stood up and let him have her seat.
Jake took Carrie’s hand and tugged her onto his lap. Maybe what she needed was to see that nothing about his feelings for her had changed. To act as he always had. As if he’d never left. They’d had parties like this back in school. BBQ’s and Bull Shit as they used to call it.
Carrie sat on his lap, but did so, stiffly.
He put his arm around her waist. With his free hand, he reached up and brushed her cheekbone with his thumb.
Carrie shivered, then relaxed against him.
He kissed her temple, trailing kisses down her cheek, before nuzzling her neck. He relished the feel of Carrie in his arms.
Before long, the sight of fireworks going off across the valley, filled the night. They all settled in to watch the colorful display.
At first the flashes triggered an irritation within him, making him blink rapidly. He focused on the colors, remembering the fireworks as a symbol of freedom. Luckily the fireworks were so far away, the sound didn’t cause him to flinch as some sounds could.
Red, white, and blue starbursts lit the sky. Gold and silver clusters shot through the air as if under their own power before disappearing. Colorful blossoms traced across the sky, their glittery cascading effects trailing off in the distance.
Boomer pulled out his phone. Music to watch fireworks by. Husband and wife held hands. And, every so often, Erica would pull his hand over her belly and they’d share a tender smile.
That could have been him and Carrie. Should have been.
Even before the fireworks were over, Digger, Melanie, and Dizzy left. “Work tomorrow,” Digger said.
“I want to talk to Allison before she goes to bed,” Dizzy claimed.
Melanie waved good-bye. “Thanks for having me.”
Shorty was asleep on a lounge chair.
Carrie went inside and returned with a throw to cover him.
Erica yawned. “I’m about done in, myself.”
“Not to worry. You two head home and get some rest. Jake can help me finish up.”
Boomer and Erica made their way to his truck. He helped his wife into the front seat, dropping a kiss on her lips before handing her the seatbelt.
Their touching display gripped Jake’s heart. How would he and Carrie have acted? Reacted?
He and Carrie stood and waved good-bye. His arm draped over her shoulder, snuggling her into his side.
Carrie had even relaxed and put her arm around his waist. They clung to one another, neither on
e saying a word as the red taillights grew dim, trailing off and finally disappearing.
“Can we finish our talk?”
“Go home, Jake. It’s time to see your parents. I need some time to think.” She went into the house and returned moments later with her purse in hand, ready to take him home.
Jake felt like the floor dropped away from him.
July gave way to August. Then September. And, finally to October.
Like many other days, Jake spent the morning chopping wood for the winter. His arms ached, but it was a good kind of pain. The kind acquired from hours of extreme physical labor. And no matter what, he was grateful for the growing strength of his body, overall. He surveyed the long wall of stacked wood he’d cut and split, satisfied his folks would have more than enough for the winter. Twelve cords of wood. They could probably even sell a couple cords. Would Carrie want some to fuel her fireplace?
As a result, he was in the best shape of his life and fairly confident on his new leg. He’d even done a little climbing at some of the climbing walls down in the Springs. Not as easy as it had been with two good legs, but not bad enough to give up the exercise.
But as the days turned into weeks, and the weeks to months, no matter how much energy Jake expended, he couldn’t prevent the ever-widening gulf growing between him and Carrie.
He’d only seen her a handful of times, and always with friends.
She was polite, acted like nothing was wrong, but was always the first one to leave. Begging off for work the next day. Every time he called her cell, it went to voicemail. And when she returned his call, she was always busy.
Too busy for him.
And as much as he hated to admit it, she had been right to take him home that July night. He’d hurt his parents by staying away.
His folks apologized profusely for not taking his feelings into consideration the day he returned home.
Jake, in turn, begged their forgiveness, then proceeded to settle into his old room and tried to figure out his next move.
If only he could figure a way back into Carrie’s heart.
On the positive side, deep down in his heart of hearts, he was convinced she still loved him. But something was holding her back.
What?
She said she needed time. How much? For what?
And of course, everyone had advice.
His mother suggested, “Get to know her again. You’ve both grown so much since high school.”
“Nature has a way of working things out,” his dad had said.
Erica was a bit more encouraging. “Romance her.”
“Leave her alone,” argued Boomer.
When Shorty finally admitted he was the reason for the break-up of his marriage, offered,
“Don’t leave her alone with her fears.” He then added with a grim resolve, “Don’t forget to show her you love her.”
Jake made a point to spend some time with Shorty, who needed solace as much as he did.
His mother was right to an extent. Carrie, in no way, resembled the same girl she’d been before he enlisted.
In the months since the BBQ, Jake was shocked by all he’d learned about Carrie.
On top of being a successful Real Estate Agent, the top seller in town, she spent long hours at the office and showing houses. In addition, she offered help to other realtors, staging homes for sale. Her weekends were filled showing homes, and training with the Search and Rescue team.
Her days and nights were packed.
Any free time she had was spent renovating her home.
He offered to help, just to spend time with her. But, the two times she’d accepted his offer, he arrived to find the guys were already there, waiting to include him.
It felt as if Carrie didn’t need him, that there was no room in her life for him. Not anymore.
What rankled him most was that he didn’t seem to fit in…anywhere.
Not in her life.
Not in his.
He no longer used the cane and for the most part his balance was picture perfect. Unfortunately, he had too much empty time on his hands and nothing to fill the space. He had no technical schooling, and other than his stint as a soldier.
And while part of his physical therapy had been to teach him to use hand controls to drive, he didn’t have the funds to purchase a vehicle. He opted to walk, which gave him time to think.
Currently his focus was on how to support himself.
Eventually, his savings would run out.
Jake was on his way over to Boomer’s house. They were going to the high school for a game of basketball. He still couldn’t get used to calling his old friend James, as Erica did.
He arrived early and knocked on the door.
“Hey Jake, come on in.” Erica held the door then escorted him to the living room. “James just called. He’s on his way. Would you like something to drink?”
“Water?”
“You got it.” Erica went into the kitchen and returned with an icy cold bottle of water. She handed him the bottle then moved to the rocker. Breathing heavily, she dropped into the wooden chair and began to rock. She blinked and shifted, as if trying to find a comfortable position.
“How are you feeling?” Jake opened the bottle and took a long swig.
“I feel as big as a house, and still have twelve weeks to go. They’re going to need a crane to get me into the delivery room.” She let out a chuckle.
“You look wonderful.” Jake took another sip. Being in Erica’s presence was a harsh reminder of Carrie and the situation he’d left her in. He glanced around the room, anywhere but at Erica’s belly. “How’s Carrie?” Damnit. He hadn’t meant to ask. Didn’t want to put Erica on the spot and have it bite him in the ass.
“She’s busy, as usual.”
“That’s what I figured.” Jake realized coming here hadn’t been one of his best ideas. He should have offered to meet Boomer at the high school gym. “Tell her I said ‘hi’.”
“Look Jake, I love you both, but my sympathies run to Carrie. I lived through the last few years, watching Carrie struggle to find her way. She’s good at what she does because she truly cares about the clients she finds homes for. Leland has never seen anyone with the uncanny ability to read what a family wants in the way of a home like Carrie does, and goes out of her way to meet their needs.” She rubbed the side of her belly and scowled as if she were in pain.
He didn’t want to have this conversation. Not with Erica. “I love Carrie, too. That’s a given. I never stopped.”
She let out a weak groan. “I know it’s none of my business, but can I ask you a question?” Erica arched her back then wiggled in place.
“Name it. I’m an open book.” Maybe Erica was the key to getting through to Carrie.
“I know you told Carrie that the military frowned on relationships but come on. There must be married men in all branches of the armed forces. I even understand why they feel that way, but it’s Carrie we’re talking about. She’d never have asked anything of you that would result in you getting hurt or killed.” Erica struggled to get out of the chair. She leaned on the back of the sofa, in obvious distress.
“Are you okay? Do I need to call Boomer?” He remembered the night of the July fourth BBQ and Erica’s declaration that the babies didn’t like it when she was upset. After what happened with Carrie, he would not be the cause of anything happening with his friends.
Erica shook her head, closed her eyes, and too several deep breaths, in and out slowly. “The babies are sitting on my sciatic nerve. I can’t sit too long without pain. If I don’t get up my legs will go numb.” The pain on her face seemed to ease once she got up and moved around. “Back to the topic, why then did you keep your communications with Carrie to a bare minimum. She wrote you weekly. That much I know. What about phone and email? Why were they off limits?” Erica bunched her eyes closed and winced.
“Look Erica, you’re scaring the crap out of me. I have no idea what’s normal for a pregnant woman.
And while I’m trained to do many things, delivery is not on that list.” The muscles in the small of Jake’s back spasmed.
Erica chuckled. “Don’t worry, I wouldn’t want you in the delivery room. I don’t even want James there. He hovers over me too much as it is.”
The front door slammed.
“I heard that and too bad. I’m going to be there.” Boomer made his way to Erica’s side and dropped a kiss on his wife’s cheek. He began to massage her back.
“Don’t stop, James.” Erica let out a sigh of bliss. “Thank you. That feels so good,” She leaned her head back then bent forward to give her husband greater access to her back.
“There is no easy answer, Erica. I did what I could handle. I’m having a difficult enough time coming to grips with leaving the Army the way I have. Look at me. I’m nothing, At least in the military I was the job. I saved people. Unfortunately, it took the shock that one of my buddies lost his wife before I saw the reality of things. She died when some asshat drunk hit her head-on. He had to go home to care for their baby. The shock of what happened to Murphy’s wife made me realize it could just have easily been Carrie. I didn’t want to lose her, so I planned to rotate home when my tour was up. Unfortunately, my life turned upside down with the IED blast.”
“Why did it take a death for you to see that, if you love her as much as you say?” She shot him with a flash of anger.
“Easy, Babe, don’t get your blood pressure up.”
“Look guys, I’m not here to cause Erica any distress. I’ll meet you at the school.”
“Honey, you go lie down. We’re going to go play hoops. I’ll bring dinner home. Any requests?” He rubbed her back.
Erica leaned her head against her husband’s shoulder.
The scene was so intimate, he felt as if he was encroaching on their privacy.
Boomer helped Erica to the bedroom to settle her in, promising to return and they’d have a nice quiet evening.
Watching Boomer and his wife was the bird’s eye view of all he missed out on.
Jake remained silent until after they backed out of the driveway. With everything he’d learned from Carrie and Erica, he still felt as if he’d missed out on several more facts. “Can I ask you something?”
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