by Tom Murphy
Bill’s disposition is a sadder one than Dick’s and he has continued to look off in the other direction.
Bill Bye, Blackberry . . . bye . . .
He wipes a tear from his eye and, now, returns to follow Dick off.
Scene Five
Primrose House
Mrs Primrose and Olivia coming in.
Mrs Primrose Calmly, my dear. You must take stock of all your garments – just as Sophia is doing – list what you will need in complement, commence packing and, indeed, not look all bloused and red like the winner of a smock race when our dear friends, Lady Blarney and Miss Skeggs, arrive.
Olivia Mr Thornhill!
Mrs Primrose Mr Thornhill? . . . Mr Thornhill, we were not expecting you!
Thornhill (arriving in a state) They are not coming to visit, Blarney or Skeggs! They have gone, flown, back to London! I do not understand it! (To himself.) I really don’t!
Mrs Primrose What is it you say, Mr Thornhill?
Thornhill That the trip to town is over! Butler, my servant, who was to return them to the Castle last night, informs me that they jabbered on about a letter – a report was handed them by someone in the area, and its contents had such effect, they ordered that he take them to the London Road, stop the London coach, and then got on it.
Mrs Primrose Then it was a malicious report from a malicious person!
Thornhill I shook my servant, I thrashed him within an inch of his life, but I can discover nothing further, neither the tendency nor the author. (He sits heavily.) Oh, Madam!
Mrs Primrose You’ll take morning tea with us, Mr Thornhill, and taste my girdle cakes.
Thornhill No tea. The only thing I crave is to be of service to you and, with your permission, have a word with your daughter.
Mrs Primrose (going out) Who could have writ such a thing?
Thornhill (to himself) Cannot understand it!
Olivia Do not o’er upset yourself, Mr Thornhill, I beg you.
Thornhill Ned.
Olivia Oh, Mr –
Thornhill Ned-Ned!
Olivia Ned.
Thornhill Olivia – Olivia! I could scream – I could faint at this very moment!
Olivia Oh, Ned, it was good of you to –
Thornhill (not listening) What shall I do? . . . Yes?
Olivia But . . . if the ladies did not return to the Castle last night, how did you discover it was proposed that we go to London?
Thornhill Shall I make a confession? Shall I? Shall I tell you it was all my plan that you should go there? Shall I tell you that?
Olivia To Lady Blarney’s?
Thornhill To Lady Blarney’s, to the dickens, to the town! Isn’t that honest of me? To where the ardour of my love, unmolested by convention, would be outpouring!
Olivia I do not understand the half of what you say.
Thornhill You do.
Olivia Oh, Mr –
Thornhill Ned-Ned!
Olivia Ned.
Thornhill You do – you do – you do – you do – you do! But all is not lost – What is lost?
Olivia Pray, desist from speaking further –
Thornhill Nothing is lost if you will come away with me today – this evening – At what time do you take the airs?
Olivia I beg you! This is most improper.
Thornhill But if I love you, what can hold you back?
Olivia But do you, do you?
Thornhill Hah! Yes, yes-yes, yes-yes! Come to the Three-Acre Copse tonight when you hear the sound of the horn. A servant will be waiting with a coach and –
Olivia You will not be there?
Thornhill How can I?! My uncle! But I shall follow you to London at the crack of dawn.
Olivia Three-Acre Copse, sound of the horn, nightfall, and alone? I am overwhelmed with confusion. No, speak to my father, Ned.
Thornhill Yes, by heaven! – No, it’s useless! Without drink on him, he suspects – misjudges me too much. Time alone – Olivia-Olivia – can overcome his prejudice.
Olivia We shall both go to him and –
Thornhill I haven’t got the time! Even now I risk the displeasure of my uncle in not being at the Castle to attend him. I risk a fortune for you – Our fortune. Oh, curst if I shan’t be throwing up the whites of my own eyes next! I have not come to hear your pretty speeches or to see how charmingly you look: I have come for love – my love – for my right – for my wife! Tck! here she comes again. (He sees Mrs Primrose returning.) Do you want me or not? We can part now, for ever, or tonight, if you come alone at the sound of the horn, you shall be blessed for eternity. (To Mrs Primrose.) Madam!
Mrs Primrose has come in, followed by Sophy and Moses. Sophy carries the book Burchill gave her.
Mrs Primrose I have been through every name in the village ten times o’er and I cannot find the label for such malice.
Thornhill Whoever it be and whatever was writ, be assured of my continued friendship. Madam, ladies, young sir, permit me to take my leave. (He goes.)
Sophy What obnoxious ingrate could it have been?
Moses Who could be so base as to asperse the character of a family so harmless as ours, too inoffensive to create disgust, too humble to excite envy?
Mrs Primrose (sighs) Laws!
And Olivia retires or goes out, nervous with her own problem and the decision she must make.
Lights have been changing during the above. Now it is afternoon. Dick and Bill come in. Chestnuts from their pockets on to the table.
Moses What have you here?
Bill Chestnuts.
Moses What is this? (The paper Dick found earlier.)
Dick I found it.
Dick and Bill run out again.
Moses It’s a letter.
Mrs Primrose (without interest) An elegant hand: I’ve seen it before.
Moses (reads) ‘To the Two Ladies at Thornhill Castle.’
Their suspicions are alerted.
Sophy looks at the handwriting: it is the same as in her book.
Sophy I am confident that of all men, Mr Burchill would not be guilty of such baseness.
Mrs Primrose I knew it!
Sophy I insist on its being read.
Moses (reads) ‘Ladies, I am acquainted of your intention of bringing two young ladies to town under the character of companions. As I would neither have simplicity imposed upon, nor virtue contaminated, I must offer it as my opinion, the impropriety of such a step will be attended with dangerous consequences. Take, therefore, the advice of a friend and reflect on the consequences of introducing infamy and vice into retreats where peace and innocence have hitherto resided.’
Mrs Primrose Is the mystery solved?
Moses But it occurs to me –
Mrs Primrose But did Mr Burchill not say that he too would call on us today and is that not . . . (His step?) Who are the children calling to?
Dick and Bill (off) Papa! Papa!
Olivia comes hurrying down to greet her father, but stops, and retires again with guilty thoughts.
Vicar (coming in with Dick and Bill) Ah, my dears, I’m home again and poor Blackberry is no longer a member of the family! But his new master is a gentleman, who was familiar with my work on the monogamy principles, and who gave me – look! – this draft for three pounds and five shillings which I am to claim from our honest neighbour, Farmer Flamborough, on sight. But let me tell the day’s adventures from the beginning. What is it, child?
Olivia has approached but only to retire again in tears.
Moses The trip to London is over, Father.
Mrs Primrose Read this malicious piece of Mr Burchill’s composing.
Vicar Mr – ? I perceived him on the hill, approaching.
Dick and Bill run out.
Mrs Primrose See how he has so aspersed us to the ladies – calls us ‘infamous’, ‘vicious’ – they want nothing further to do with us.
Dick and Bill (off) Mr Burchill! Mr Burchill!
Moses But it occurs to me –
Mrs Prim
rose Now we shall be revenged. What would be the most cutting way to deal with him? I shall be witty. And, then, in the flattering calm, confront him with the evidence of his perfidy. Ah, Mr Burchill, come in, come in!
Sophy, too – like Olivia – retires, approaches, retires through this scene.
Burchill Hah! A fine day.
Mrs Primrose A fine day, indeed, for some, Mr Burchill!
Burchill Though I fancy we shall have rain by the shooting of my corns.
Mrs Primrose (a guffaw) The shooting of your horns! Beg pardon – Sir! – but I’m over-fond of jokes.
Burchill I pardon you – but I protest I should not have thought it a joke had you not told me.
Mrs Primrose Perhaps not, Sir – (she winks at the others) – as I dare say you can tell how many jokes go to the ounce?
Burchill I fancy, Madam, you have been reading a jest book this afternoon – that ounce of jokes is such a good conceit. Yet, I’d rather see half an ounce of understanding.
Mrs Primrose I believe you might. And yet I’ve seen some men pretend to understanding that have very little.
Burchill And no doubt you’ve seen ladies set up for wits that have none?
Vicar Both wit and understanding, sir, are trifles without integrity. The honest man, sir, is the noblest work of God.
Burchill Is that not a hackneyed maxim of Pope’s? My belief, of late, is that as the reputation of books is raised, not by their freedom from defect but by the greatness of their beauties, so should that of man be raised.
Vicar Your present observation, Sir, is just when there are shining virtues and minute defects. But when great vices and great virtues are opposed in the same mind, such a character deserves contempt.
Burchill Perhaps some monsters, as you describe, exist, but I have never found one instance of them in my wide progress through life.
Vicar And yet it would be easy, at this very moment, to point out a man whose head and heart form a detestable contrast.
Burchill Impossible.
Mrs Primrose How would you describe this, Mr Burchill?
Burchill Hah! That is a letter.
Vicar And do you recognise the hand it is written in? Nay, never falter, man, but look me in the face. . .
Burchill Mine own.
Vicar And how could you presume to write such a letter?
Mrs Primrose He would prevent my girls going to town that he might have the company of Sophia here at home.
Burchill I would advise, Madam –
Vicar Do not advise, Mr Burchill –
Mrs Primrose When we come to ask advice, we shall apply to persons who seem to have made use of it themselves.
Vicar How-came-you-so-basely-to-write-this-letter, Sir?
Burchill And how came you so basely to read what is clearly addressed to another?
Vicar What?!
Burchill Don’t you know I could hang you all for this!
Vicar Ungrateful – !
Burchill What – !
Mrs Primrose Wretch!
Vicar Begone!
Mrs Primrose Begone!
Vicar And no longer pollute my dwelling!
Mrs Primrose Never let us see you again!
Vicar Go, sir, instantly!
Burchill Hah! (Then composed.) I bid you good evening. (Leaves.)
Vicar (calls after him) And the only punishment I wish you is an alarmed conscience which will be sufficient tormentor! . . . Are we surprised that bad men want for shame? No, they only blush at being detected in doing good.
Moses But it occurs to me, Sir, that the censures in the letter might as well be referring to those to whom it is written as to us.
Vicar is about to consider this, but Mrs Primrose’s remarks keep distracting him.
Mrs Primrose What censures could be applied to a peeress and an honourable, you dull and heavy blockhead!
Vicar Deborah, it is Moses you address, your son!
Mrs Primrose And is he not your son also? (To Sophy, who is now, also, in tears.) There-there! You are well rid of him and free of all his embarrassing and secret attentions.
Vicar And were there instances of secret and embarrassing attentions?
Sophy No, Sir. His conversations with me were always sensible and pleasing. The only remark of his that caused me pain was the recurring one in which he expressed the philosophy that a woman cannot esteem a man that seems poor.
Mrs Primrose The common cant of the unfortunate and the idle.
Vicar And what encouragement did you give in reply to his observation?
Sophy None, Papa. As I believe it to be true in the general rule, fearing to depress him by agreement to it, I remained silent. (She weeps again.)
Vicar (to himself) Is it possible we may have misused a poor stranger?
Mrs Primrose There, there! No matter how our plans are thwarted, we shall find better choice for you than that low cunning thing. Perhaps the Reverend Jenks: it was plain for all to see how taken he was by you. Why, what is it now, my dear?
Olivia (also in tears) She don’t love the Reverend Jenks.
Mrs Primrose And how does she know she won’t love him tomorrow?
Vicar (to himself) But if he is not a lunatic, what is he? (Burchill.)
Mrs Primrose There, there! We shall find someone else for you, then, someone as good as your sister’s fiancée.
Vicar (his thoughts disturbed) Deborah, could we, once for all, have the matter of Olivia’s engagement cleared? Can you tell me, my dear, the exact date she became betrothed? And why I, her father, though not consulted on the matter, was not informed in order that I might congratulate her? And would you be good as to tell me if my son-in-law-to-be is our young free-thinking landlord?
Mrs Primrose I have every confidence in Olivia’s ability to make the conversion.
Vicar What conversion?
Mrs Primrose To convert her husband from free-thought. Olivia is very skilled in controversy.
Vicar What controversy?
Mrs Primrose The controversy she learns in her books.
Vicar What books?
Olivia Indeed, Papa, I’ve read a great deal of controversy.
Vicar Beg pardon?
Olivia I have read the disputes between Thwackum and Square, the controversy between Robinson Crusoe and Friday the savage, and I am now employed in reading the controversy on Religious Courtship.
Vicar Very good, that’s a good girl, and now that I find you perfectly qualified in making converts, go with your sister and make the supper!
Olivia, Sophy and Mrs Primrose, all, are now in tears. And Bill, too, puts his thumb in his mouth and takes Dick’s hand.
Mrs Primrose Why are you so down on us?
Vicar I cannot keep up!
He feels inadequate to deal with the tears of the three weeping women. He ushers out Dick and Bill, and they run off to his instruction. It is dusk now.
Vicar Boys, run, fetch more roasting chestnuts. (Narrating.) I could not keep up. I now decided to call on our honest neighbour, Farmer Flamborough, and draw the money I had against him.
He stands outside with the money draft in his hands. In the background, Mrs Primrose, Olivia, Sophy and Moses have retired, gone off. Now we hear the sound of the hunting horn. And Olivia appears. The sound of the hunting horn once more.
Vicar But somehow I knew my disappointments were not yet completed for the day.
Olivia (whispers) Farewell, Papa! (And she steals away, drawing her cloak about her.)
Vicar And even as I strolled from the house my heart was sinking, as I reflected that I should not have accepted a draft from a stranger.
Flamborough comes in. Vicar gives the draft to him.
Vicar You can read the name, I suppose?
Flamborough Oh, it be nicely writ.
Vicar Ephraim Jenkinson.
Flamborough Aye, Ephraim Jenkinson.
Vicar ‘If you know Solomon Flamborough,’ said he, ‘I believe we can deal. And you shall have a draft on Solomon’ –
three pounds, five shillings? – ‘payable on sight. And let me tell you,’ said he, ’Solomon Flamborough is as warm a man as any within five miles round him’ . . . Ephraim Jenkinson.
Flamborough Was he a long-legged man?
Vicar That, certainly, he was.
Flamborough And did he talk about Greek, cosmogony and the Book of Job?
Vicar And monogamy.
Flamborough Egypt?
Vicar nods.
Flamborough I don’t know him. But I know of him. And I fear that you’ve been duped. (He leaves.)
Vicar . . . Poor Blackberry . . . And the very next thing – (He sets off home.) Could anyone have guessed the further misfortune awaited me?
Dick and Bill come running home.
Dick Papa, Papa!
Bill Mama, Mama!
Dick and Bill Our sister Livy is gone for ever!
Vicar Speak clearly, boys.
Dick We were in the wood.
Bill Gathering more roasting chestnuts for us all.
Dick When up ran Mr Burchill.
Mrs Primrose Ah, Burchill again!
Bill Carry the word to the vicar, he said, that his daughter is gone.
Dick And tell your mother it was Burchill sent you.
Vicar While feigning interest in our younger, in reality he was pursuing our eldest daughter.
Mrs Primrose What did I tell you!
Vicar My sweet innocence that I was leading up to heaven!
Mrs Primrose No, she is a strumpet!
Vicar To rob me of my child!
Mrs Primrose She has deserted us without provocation!
Vicar Go, my children! Our earthly happiness is over!
Mrs Primrose She has vilely deceived us!
Vicar Go, be miserable and infamous!
Moses Father! –
Sophy Mother! –
Moses Is this your fortitude?
Vicar Yes, he shall see that I have fortitude –
Mrs Primrose The ungrateful creature never had the least constraint put upon her!
Vicar Fetch me out my old pistol –
Sophy Father!
Moses Mother! –
Vicar Old as I am he shall find that I can sting him yet!
Moses (to both parents) Your rage is too violent and unbecoming! –
Sophy You should be my mother’s comforter and you increase her pain!