Jesse nearly choked on his water.
In the rearview mirror Jesse watched Kam slump over in his seat. “Well, whatever it is you’re doing to negate the Hulk effect it’s pure genius. Sollie is usually unstoppable.”
Jesse ventured a glance at Chuck in the passenger seat. The passing streetlamps flitted his face in and out of the light, but Jesse couldn’t miss the sly grin on his face.
“I have my ways of calming the beast,” Chuck rumbled.
Kam didn’t seem to notice Chuck’s tone or the double meaning. “Well tell me what I can do to recruit you. Just switch teams, man! ‘Cause I’m tired of having my ass handed to me.”
Chuck opened his mouth to respond and Jesse jumped in—whatever came out of Chuck’s mouth next was sure to be less than subtle. “Shut the fuck up, Kam. Maybe it’s you who needs to step up your game.”
That was enough to launch Kam into a tirade that lasted the rest of the short trip through one of the seedier parts of town to Bosch. The recession had hit Kensington hard, and the recovery the rest of the country had experienced hadn’t come close to their borders. Bosch was nestled in one of the downright scary neighborhoods, but that, like most things, had never stopped the boys. This was the bar they ended up at when they were feeling nostalgic and low-key. Despite Jesse’s earlier protest, it fit perfectly to where his emotions were swinging tonight.
Jesse parallel parked his car next to the faded blue cinder block building and one small neon sign, long burnt out, with red block lettering underneath it that simply said “Bosch.” There weren’t any beer signs or posters on the outside. No real indication it was a bar at all. It wasn’t like this section of town had much foot traffic, and no tourists would ever stop by here, but Bosch still had the best burgers in the area. And their homemade secret sauce for the fries was out of this world, if a bit dubious in its origins.
Kam continued making his case for Chuck to join his team as they walked into the bar and toward the back where the boys were already pulling tables together. Kam had his arm around Chuck’s shoulders and they were laughing as Chuck threw ridiculous recruitment incentives out to Kam in a mock negotiation.
And that’s when it struck Jesse.
Kam knew Chuck was gay. Everyone did after that first night at McLoughlin’s. But only Ryan had treated him differently because of it, and only that first night. Since then, Ryan hadn’t said another word, and while he was distant, he was never callous.
It had been almost two months since he’d first met Chuck and the man had fit seamlessly into a group of guys who actively tried to keep outsiders on the periphery. No one questioned his place on the team anymore. They were even taking the time to explain inside jokes to him and to share their oldest stories.
Jesse scratched at his stubble, his mouth hanging open.
He thought back to Emily sitting on his couch next to Chuck, knowing why he was half-naked in Jesse’s house and not giving a shit. The same thoughts that he’d had then whirled around in his head. Being with Chuck couldn’t be this easy….
Could it?
“Sollie! You coming?” Matt called out over the crowd.
Jesse gave him a one finger salute, pulled out his phone, and sent a quick text. He pocketed his phone and made his way to the tables, taking the empty seat next to Chuck, who already had a beer waiting for him.
Chuck leaned over, concern etching his face. “You okay?”
“Really fucking good.” He tipped his glass and clinked the edge with Chuck’s. “Thanks for the beer.”
Then Jesse felt a hand snaking around his waist and he looked over at Chuck before he realized it was coming from the other side of him.
“Hey, Jesse,” a slurred voice came from his left, almost directly next to his ear.
Jesse knew that voice without having to turn and see the redhead standing way too close to him. Everyone at the table took that moment to look in a different direction, but Jesse knew they were all really watching him. He didn’t turn in his chair. “Hello, Marie,” Jesse said, making damn sure he sounded as annoyed as he felt.
“Haven’t seen you—”
“In a long time,” he interrupted. “Yeah, I know. You need something?”
She leaned in until her lips grazed his ear. “Just you.”
Jesse shuddered. Next to him, Chuck’s shoulders shook in a silent laugh.
The asshole.
“That’s, uh, an offer.” It was the best he could do without sounding like a total asshole to a woman he’d brought home a couple of times over the years. “Gonna pass, though. Out with the boys, and all.” He waved across the table hoping that maybe she would hone in on one of the other guys.
No such luck. She pressed closer into him. “I’ll be over at the bar when you’re ready for a refill.”
Matt slapped his hand down on the table as she walked away. “Dude. She’s a guaranteed quality lay. Her tits are amazing. You’ve been in some kind of a dry spell. I haven’t seen you take anyone home in months now.”
Kam lifted an eyebrow. “Maybe he’s got a secret girlfriend.”
“Sollie?” Ryan scoffed. “Right. He’s got it too good being single.”
Chuck sipped at his beer, his lips lifted into a smirk.
“I like the secret relationship thing better,” Jesse responded. “It makes me sound much more mysterious.”
“Instead of the whore you are,” Ryan taunted. “Dude, I don’t know how you’ve made it this long without an STD or pregnancy scare.”
“Classy. And it’s called a condom, dickwad. Please tell me your wife is going to handle the sex talk when your kids get old enough.”
Before Ryan could respond, Jesse’s sister pushed into the bar and the boys collectively called out “Emily!” as the petite blond sashayed around the high-top tables.
“Hey, bro,” Emily said as she walked by Jesse, heading straight for Chuck.
“Hey, sexy,” she said as she planted a kiss on Chuck’s cheek.
The boys hollered.
Emily gave a suggestive wink.
Jesse huffed.
“What’s Little Sollie doing slumming it tonight?” Kam asked as Emily pulled up a stool next to Chuck.
Emily shrugged then motioned for the waitress. “The usual. Avoiding Ian mostly. When Jesse texted I figured I’d come out and join you.”
Chuck glanced at Jesse with one eyebrow raised. Jesse patted Chuck’s thigh, then went back to his drink.
Yep, he was totally guilty. Even though Emily knew about him and Chuck, he’d texted her asking her to come out with them and the boys. Maybe he’d done it because she knew. He wasn’t quite sure. It just felt nice to have someone else there who knew who Chuck was to him.
It was another small step. Minuscule when he really thought about it, but a bigger one than he’d expected to take tonight.
“Catch me up, boys. What’s been going on?” Emily asked the crew around the table.
The conversation picked up quickly, different threads, stories, and interjections being tossed around the circle as they all settled into the usual banter. When shots were called for, Jesse declined, earning a round of boos from the boys that he shook off, holding his ground. He didn’t want to get wasted tonight.
He was drinking less and less when Chuck was around, not wanting to be the embarrassing, angry asshole he became when he drank too much. Plus, he just didn’t need it anymore to have fun. He could have a couple of drinks, take the edge off and relax, then look forward to spending the rest of the night at home with Chuck and actually remembering what they’d done in the morning. And, damn, he wanted to remember every second of it.
At some point in the night, Chuck slipped away and got a hold of enough quarters to put Sweet Caroline and American Pie on repeat for a good thirty minutes. All it took was one dimple-popping smile to have Jesse singing at the top of his lungs. The rest of the boys joined in, teaching Chuck all the hand motions that the songs had acquired over years on summer camping trips. When that audi
ble fiasco was over the boys had driven away half the bar. It was already late, creeping closer to closing time, so Jesse caught Chuck’s eye and made a motion toward the door.
But it was Emily who stood up first. “I’m sorry to break up this party, but the lone chick in your penis party is getting worn out. I’m going to steal Sollie away from you now so he can take me home.”
Another chorus of boos rang out at top volume, but Emily started making her rounds undeterred, saying goodbye.
“You still need a ride, Kam?” Jesse asked his best friend.
“Nah, man,” Kam slurred. “Matt’s gonna take me home.”
“Cool. Chuck and I are out then.”
Kam grabbed Chuck by the hand and pulled him in for a one-armed bro hug. “Next week you’re playing for me. Matt and me made a fair trade. No arguments.”
“What did you trade me for?”
Kam gave a drunk grin. “Sollie.”
“Burn, dude,” Matt said. “Sollie plus a pitcher of beer.”
Jesse shrugged it off. At least he could still play against Chuck. Their league was much more fun that way.
“Are you sure Jesse and Chuck don’t want to play for the same team?” Emily said.
Jesse choked on the last of his beer.
“I don’t care what they want,” Kam said, oblivious. “I don’t want to fucking lose anymore. No offense,” he added to Jesse.
Jesse cracked his knuckles and punched Kam on the shoulder. “None taken. Coincidentally, your ass is mine next week.”
“Fair enough,” Kam said as he tipped another shot into his mouth.
Emily herded the two of them out the doors and into the fresh air, where a heavy snow had started to fall while they’d been inside.
“It’s so beautiful,” Emily said with a touch of awe. She closed her eyes and tipped her head up, opening her mouth to catch the flakes on her tongue.
It was the most carefree Jesse had seen his sister in a long time. Maybe years. “You’re beautiful, sis,” Jesse said. He tucked his arms around her waist and lifted her.
“Oh stop!” she protested, a wide smile on her face as she tried to squirm out of his arms.
Jesse planted a kiss on her cheek and carefully set her back on the cracked pavement.
“I’ll see you two later,” she said as she crossed the parking lot.
“I thought you needed a ride home?” Jesse called after her.
She held up her keys. “I was just giving you two an opportunity to leave. Have a good night,” she trilled.
Jesse looked at Chuck. The man was shaking his head, snowflakes flying off his brown hair and into his outstretched hands. His cheeks were already stained from the wind that whipped around the building, his lips were reddened, and his eyes were dancing with just the hint of a buzz from the couple of drinks he’d had.
Jesse had never wanted to kiss anyone more.
Before he could stop himself, he chased the impulse, grabbing Chuck by his belt loops and pulling him in until their lips were pressed together in a chaste kiss that was the cold of snowflakes and the radiating warmth of Chuck. He drew back and licked his lips. Chuck stood motionless, then a grin slowly spread across his face.
“Now that’s beautiful,” Emily called out through her open window as her car slowed next to them. She drove off with a beep of her horn.
“Come on,” Jesse said, as he flipped his car keys in his hand. “Let’s go home.”
Even though the drive home took less than three minutes, Jesse couldn’t get there fast enough. Despite the rolling gray clouds and snow, inside he felt hints of sunshine breaking through, and he didn’t want the moment to pass.
“You know that comment about the secret girlfriend?” he tested. He glanced at Chuck as he pulled onto his street. “I hope that didn’t sound too dickish. It’s just them giving me shit.”
Chuck shrugged. “I really didn’t think twice about it.”
It was all Jesse had been thinking about since Kam had blurted it out. It wasn’t Kam teasing him that had gotten to him, though. It was that his best friend knew him well enough to know that something was going on. That he thought it was a girl was only natural—Jesse had never given him a reason to think otherwise. But as much as he thought he was keeping his time with Chuck on the down low, his friends were starting to notice. And if it had been a girl he was spending time with, he would have brought her around to meet them by now. That Chuck was already part of the group was convenient—he could skip the awkward intro session—but it also meant that while he was still managing to keep the two halves of his life separate, he didn’t know how much he wanted to do that anymore.
It was the word secret that bothered him more than anything else. Chuck didn’t deserve to be anyone’s secret, yet Jesse wasn’t ready to tell the boys anything. He didn’t know how to reconcile his conflicting emotions about coming out, if he could even call it that, but he knew that he had to make things right with Chuck, or whatever this was they had going on would definitely end.
Jesse pulled into his driveway and kept the car running. Chuck reached for the door handle and Jesse stilled him with a hand to his shoulder. “Hold up. There’s something I want to talk to you about.” Jesse shifted in the driver’s seat to face Chuck. His car suddenly felt way too small to fit his body. He had to take a deep breath to keep from squirming uncomfortably. Chuck patiently waited, turning his body in Jesse’s direction and leaning on the passenger window. Jesse steeled himself. “We haven’t talked about this at all, but I haven’t been with anybody else—guys or girls—since we started hooking up. I don’t want to assume it’s the same for you, but I haven’t asked. So, I guess I’m kind of asking.”
A slice of the halogen lamp above the garage gave Jesse just enough light to see Chuck’s hazel eyes focused on him. “It’s only you, Jesse.”
Jesse’s heart stuttered, caught, and started beating again. That was more than he’d expected to hear. He swallowed. “You think you might want to make this exclusive?”
Chuck tugged at the sleeves on his shirt and crossed his arms. He cocked his head, just a hint of a smile playing on his face. “Are you saying that you want to go steady with me?”
Jesse waited for unease to take hold. Instead, his chest lifted with a full breath and his voice was strong. “Yeah.”
“I could be down for that—”
“I’m still not ready to tell the boys,” Jesse added hurriedly, without a hint of apology. This wasn’t negotiable. Not yet.
Chuck nodded. “I’m surprisingly okay with that.” Jesse lifted an eyebrow. “Really,” Chuck reassured him.
“You sure?”
“Positive.”
Jesse tapped at the steering wheel. “You said you could be down for me being your boyfriend. You want to give me a hint here?”
“I think I need some convincing.”
“Oh, really?”
“Yep.”
“I bite. And just how am I supposed to convince you?”
“Well, as I see it, there’s a couple options—the good old standbys of blowjobs and premium sports tickets included—but I have something else in mind.”
“Better than oral sex and sports?”
“Much.”
“All right…?”
“Let’s go get tested. Together.”
Jesse was shocked into silence. He stared at Chuck as he tried to process the sudden turn of the conversation. Tested? As in HIV/AIDS and STDs? Didn’t Chuck trust him when he said he hadn’t been with anybody else? His anger rose as the implications swirled in his brain—all into negative conclusions. He opened his mouth, a scathing response bubbling in his throat, then stopped himself when he saw Chuck lift one eyebrow and smile. He turned the conversation over again in his head and examined Chuck’s words. To his credit, Chuck sat patiently and waited while Jesse thought.
He’d been tested in the past, but not regularly because he always used condoms and had never thought about not using them….
W
ait.
Jesse sputtered. “You want me to fuck you bareback?”
“Someday. Yeah. It’s one of the benefits of a negative test in an exclusive, committed relationship.” Chuck slashed a hand through his hair, wincing. “Wow. That came out much more serious than I intended.”
Jesse sat back in his chair and glanced at Chuck. “I get you. It’s just not at all what I expected you to say.”
“I’m not talking about getting tested tomorrow,” Chuck clarified. “Let’s just take this as a first step. We get tested soon, then again in another six months, and see what happens from there.”
Jesse tapped his fingers on the steering wheel, staring at the front door of his house. He’d barely made it past six months with anyone. Rachel had been the only exception—the first person he'd thought he loved. But hindsight had stomped that emotion into oblivion. That whole relationship had been a clusterfuck that should’ve ended six minutes into them getting together. “Six months, huh?”
“Are you freaking out on me?”
“Nope.”
Chuck studied him. “You’re really not, are you?”
“Nope.”
Chuck pointed at him. “Okay, that’s freaking me out.”
Jesse chuckled. “I’m just sorry that it can’t be more right now. It sounds so stupid to say since we’ve only known each other for a couple months—Jesus, not even that long—but, yeah, we’re cool. And I wanted you to know that.”
Chuck poked at Jesse’s chest. “Damn, you’re romantic.”
Jesse grabbed Chuck’s outstretched finger and kissed the tip of it. “Shut up and get inside so I can find better uses for this finger.”
9
“How was the holiday party for the Warriors?”
Chuck heard the door to the laundry closet sliding closed, then Jesse’s footsteps as he tracked around the kitchen.
“It was good,” Chuck replied. “Kam went all out for them. I swear I haven’t seen that much meat since I last went to a Brazilian steakhouse.”
“The kids deserve that, from what you’ve been saying.”
“No doubt. They’re working their asses off.”
Out of the Shade Page 11