Out of the Shade

  “Why do you think that is?”

  He set his left foot on his right knee and began to bounce it. This wasn’t what he wanted to talk about, but what he needed to. “Because she’s not Chuck.”

  “And what about Chuck?”

  “I haven’t talked to him.”

  “Do you think you could talk about him today?”

  Jesse set both his feet on the floor and wiped his palms on his jeans. “Okay. What about? What happened or…. I don’t know what you’re looking for here.”

  “It’s about what you’re looking for, Jesse. You’ve told me you’re running, going to AA, rebuilding your relationships with your family, and you’re actually taking time to decide what your next steps are with regards to your job. Everything seems like it’s falling into place…except for your relationship—romantic or not—with Chuck.”

  “If I’m being honest? Chuck is everything I’m looking for. But I know he doesn’t want to be part of this—my—recovery because he told me that. And I don’t know if I’d want him to be.”

  “You believe he doesn’t want to be with you, and it’s fair to maybe not want him to be a part of the steps you’re taking to rebuild your life. But I want you to take a moment and think about what you want from him.”

  Jesse furrowed his brow, giving that question the consideration it deserved. “It’s not closure—he walked away from me so I have no doubt that we’re done. I guess I want to see him again? I don’t know. I’d like to find a way for him to fit into my life somehow. But, hell, I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.”

  “Having him in your life, you’re not sure if it’s good or bad. Explain that to me.”

  Jesse grit his teeth. Sometimes the therapy-speak irked the fuck out of him—even if it was getting him to where he wanted to go. “I don’t know if it’s fair to him. Yeah, it’s what I want, but…. Wanting him to be part of my life feels self-serving. No, selfish. Really fucking selfish.”

  “What I want you to get out of this, Jesse, is that it’s okay to want things. No matter how selfish they may be. The fact that you’re also thinking about what’s fair to Chuck and what he wants shows that you’re empathic towards him. When and if you’re ready to talk to Chuck again, you could tell him how you feel. If he agrees to try, great. If he doesn’t, you’re learning to cope and understand his autonomy.”

  Jesse tried to picture having of a conversation using those words with Chuck, but the images that popped into his head were more after-school-special than the genuine back-and-forths he’d had with Chuck. Most of them when they were lying in bed together, or on the couch watching football. Those moments where it was just the two of them and he could pretend the rest of the world didn’t exist.

  It had been safe to divide Chuck off from the rest of his life. That double life wasn’t what Chuck wanted anymore, and Jesse still wasn’t ready to come out.

  “I get that, I think. But now isn’t the time for that conversation. Chuck wanted me to be out, and I’m not ready for that. Dragging him back into my life when I can’t be honest with my friends and family, it’s putting us both back in the same spot we were months ago.”

  “You’ve been honest with me,” Emily cut in and Jesse’s head snapped up. He’d forgotten she was in the room at all. “I’m sorry for interrupting, but you’ve been honest with me, Kam, and Lila. Is it really us that you’re afraid of?”

  “Yeah, it is,” Jesse answered. He sighed. “But it’s also not.”

  Liz nodded thoughtfully. “What else is holding you back?”

  “I’m not even sure most days what I’m supposed to come out as. Maybe I am bisexual. But if I can’t say that word outside these walls, how the hell am I going to say them to someone else?”

  “You say you can’t be out. That’s another subject we haven’t really delved into. Tell me what’s stopping you on that front. Is it labeling yourself?”

  “My first instinct is to say yes—it’s the label—but, at the same time, I know in my gut that’s bullshit. Because I’ve worn a whole hell of a lot of labels that don’t fit me and I’ve let others around me think they do. If this one actually fits, why can’t I own it? I’ve lied to a lot of people for a long time, including myself. Me not wanting to come out...it’s a lot of fear.”

  “Your fears are not unwarranted. Fear of rejection and the stigma around LGBTQ orientations are sound reasons for many people not to...accept certain parts of themselves. Who is it you’re most afraid of being honest with?”

  Emily glanced at Jesse knowingly and he sighed. “The boys. I’ve put them through a lot over the years—not just these last few months. What if I’ve hit my quota of shit with them? We’re all so one-for-all, they’ve always had my back, but what if— What if I’m not one of them anymore, because of this?”

  “The Kensington boys are a big part of your life, Jesse. You’re telling me these boys have stuck with you through everything, even ‘Godzilla.’ That’s the name you used, right?” He nodded. “Do you think you’re not giving them enough credit? In the end, is it fair to not be honest with them? And, more importantly, to yourself?”

  Jesse bristled. “You don’t know them the way I do.”

  “You’re right, I don’t know them the way you think you do. I just want you to take a minute to think, Jesse. You say these boys have stuck with you through thick and thin, and in the next breath you doubt their love and loyalty to you.”

  Jesse opened his mouth to answer then snapped it shut. He sat forward and rested his elbows on his knees. “It can’t be that easy, can it? Hell, maybe it will be. But then....” His eyes started to fill with tears. He’d thought there was nothing left in his tear ducts, but, obviously, he hadn’t gotten it all out yet.

  What if Liz was right?

  He could barely get his next words out of his throat and past his lips. “If it is that easy…. What the fuck have I been doing hiding for this long? I can’t seem to stop failing myself at every turn.”

  “Breathe, Jesse. Ground yourself and think about what you have accomplished. Fear is an irrational drive, but you’re here. You’re trying. Nobody would call that a failure.”

  “I still do. I get that fear is irrational, and I’m trying to work around it.”

  “You are working so damn hard, Jesse,” Emily said, emphasizing each word. “And I’m sorry…. I’m sorry I made you carry more fear than you needed to.”

  “Em—”

  “No. I need to say this.” Emily tipped up her chin and looked Liz directly in the eye. “I’m a sexual abuse and domestic violence survivor who’s been sober for a little over two years. I’ve been to dozens of mandated counseling appointments because of rehab and legal proceedings, but Jesse knows more about what’s happened to me than any of those counselors do—more than anyone else in this world does, besides me. And that’s been unfair. I placed things on his shoulders that he never should’ve had to bear alone. He’s having to work harder now because I added to the burdens he already carried.”

  “You were never a burden, Em.” Jesse shook his head. “I wanted to.”

  “You were willing to. There’s a difference.”

  “I just want you to be happy and healthy. Safe.”

  Emily twisted in her chair so she was facing him. Her blue eyes locked onto his. “I won’t be. Not all the time. And that’s not your responsibility to take on. Just like you want me to be happy and healthy, I want the same thing for you. I know you love me, Jesse, and I know you’ll always be here for me, just like I will for you. But we have shit we have to deal with as individuals.”

  Jesse’s throat tightened. “I know. So, do you think it’s time?”

  “Way past it,” Emily replied. She faced Liz again and took a deep breath. “What I just admitted to you is more than I’ve ever said to any other therapist. I haven’t put everything I could behind getting all of me well. I think I’m ready now.”

  “If you’re interested in starting therapy, I can recommend a collea
gue with experience working with abuse survivors.”

  “I think that would be good. Yeah. I want to do that.”

  Jesse reached across the gap and gripped her hand. “Proud of you, sis.”

  “And you, Jesse….” Liz started. “How do you feel about talking to one or two of your friends this week about your sexuality, on your own terms, and we can discuss it at your next appointment?”

  “Hang on. Can I do something right now before I chicken out?”

  “Of course.”

  Jesse took out his phone and opened his texts, scrolling to the thread with Kam. Dinner tonight?

  You asking me out, dude?

  Pretty sure Brittany wouldn’t go for that.

  You don’t know her well at all. Yeah I’m free tonight. Let me text Brittany and let her know I won’t be home until late.

  Jesse smiled as he read the string of messages to Liz and Emily.

  “It sounds as if he cares for you just as much as you do for him,” Liz said.

  “Kam loves you just as much as I do.”

  “It’s time. He already kind of knows. We haven’t talked directly about it…but it’s time I did.”

  “That’s a big step, Jesse. I want you to take the time to recognize that.”

  “I do. It’s good.”

  “It’s fucking amazing, bro.”

  Liz grinned. “It’s really good, Jesse.”

  Jesse couldn’t sleep.

  After finding out the charges had been dropped, an emotional therapy session with Emily, then dinner with Kam—which had been terrifying, yet ridiculously easy in the end—every time Jesse closed his eyes he kept thinking about waking up and getting ready to go to a job that he hated. A job that added nothing to his life.

  He’d scrutinized every decision he’d made lately—not trusting himself enough to just let go of some things. Not trusting that his instincts were right.

  He’d been a coach for a kid’s soccer league when he was in high school, a teacher for a while after graduating, and he’d fallen into this line of work instead—because it was safe.

  He knew all about taking risks. He’d lived too close to the edge for too many years now and was suffering the consequences. But that was because he’d taken risks that were dangerous instead of risks that could pay off in the long-term. He’d listened to Kam talk about the boxing club at dinner, and Kam didn’t have to say it outright for Jesse to know—Kam loved what he did. His daily work raised him up instead of crushing him. He didn’t make a lot, but that wasn’t what was important. Kam was happy because he’d chosen a career path that fulfilled him.

  Jesse pushed himself up, rested against his headboard and pulled his laptop off the nightstand. Before he could overthink this decision—because he trusted it was right—he had typed up a resignation effective immediately and sent it off to his boss.

  His hands shook as he stared at the screen in disbelief. Had he really just done that? He clicked through to his sent messages and verified the email had gone through.

  “Holy shit,” he whispered to himself, an uncontrollable grin spreading across his face. “Now I just have to figure out what comes next.”

  18

  March

  Jesse turned into the parking lot of the East Side Warriors Boxing Club and pulled up next to Kam’s SUV. Kam peeked his head out the door and guffawed as Jesse got out. “What the fuck is that? A clown car?”

  He’d known enough to expect a whole truckload of shit from Kam and the boys when they caught sight of his new ride. His company car had been a standard sedan that was almost new—but it’d been taken the day he quit his job. This hunk of metal barely held together by rusting bolts was almost as old as he was, but it was all he could justify buying so he didn’t dip into his savings more than he needed to.

  “Hey. It runs, man.”

  “I think that’s questionable too. I heard you coming from a mile away.” Kam pulled Jesse in for a one-armed hug and slapped him on the back. “Come on inside.”

  They bypassed the ring set into the middle of the club and walked past a group of kids who were seated on the floor listening to one of the coaches as he went through video of a sparring match on an LCD TV at the front of the room.

  “Wow. That’s straight up twenty-first-century technology. Where’d that come from?”

  “That grant Chuck got for us.”

  Jesse lost a step when he heard Chuck’s name. It’d been months since he’d last seen Chuck and there hadn’t been a day that had passed without him thinking about the man. His ex. Shit. Another ex, and the one person he’d never wanted to let go.

  Kam must have realized that Jesse was no longer walking with him, because he stopped and stuffed his hands in his pockets, rocking back on his heels. “He’s not here. Come on back to my office. Let’s talk.”

  He found the strength to get his feet back in action and followed Kam down the hallway. Kam clicked the door shut behind them and slid the two chairs in front of his desk around so they were facing each other.

  “This looks like a set up for an intervention,” Jesse said.

  “Nothing like that. I just don’t want to talk to you over my desk.”

  Jesse took the seat to the left and dropped down with an exaggerated sigh.

  Kam sat down across from him and leaned forward, setting his elbows on his knees. “You look good, Jesse.”

  “It’s only been a couple of weeks since the last time I saw you.”

  “Yeah, and the same number of weeks since you quit your job. You look much better than you have in a long time, though. This unemployment thing looks good on you.”

  Jesse crooked an eyebrow. “You hitting on me?”

  Kam grinned and chuckled. “I’m just really proud of you. Wanted that to be said out loud. Whatever you’re doing…. It’s obviously doing good things for you. Keep it up.”

  “I’ve kept up with the running thing. Got an official spot in the Brighton Marathon.”

  “No shit?”

  “Apparently, I’m doing this.”

  “Good. How about a job?”

  “Nothing on that front quite yet.”

  “No, I mean, how about you work here? I want you to come work for me, Jesse. To work for these kids.”

  Jesse flinched. “Kam, I almost beat a man to death with my fists.”

  “That’s exactly why I want you here. Why you belong here.” Jesse opened his mouth to protest but Kam cut him off. “I know that you working at a boxing club may seem like it’s counterintuitive, but it makes perfect sense to me. For these kids, it’s understanding they can have a shitload of anger here”—Kam pointed to Jesse’s heart—“and a ton of power here”—he pointed to Jesse’s hands—“but that neither of those has to control them.”

  Jesse swallowed around the lump in his throat. “I’m just starting to learn that.”

  “Which is exactly why you should be here.”

  “Kam, just because we’re friends—”

  “Fuck that. You’re a hard worker and you’re great with kids. Remember that school we did our student teaching at during college?”

  “Yeah. Was a fucking nightmare.”

  “It could’ve been a nightmare. But you knew how to talk to those kids. You helped give them structure and discover what they were good at. I’ve got plenty of instructors who know the mechanics of boxing and how to make these kids better fighters, but none of them have been able to really bridge that divide between what happens inside this club and the harsh realities of the world they face out there. They need a mentor in here that they don’t forget about when they walk out those doors.”

  “You really think I could do that?”

  Kam nodded.

  Jesse shifted in his chair. “What about Chuck?”

  “Well, that’s part of the decision you need to make. The position is yours if you want it. I’ll send you home with a job description and details on benefits and pay. We can’t pay much but it’s a living wage. You just gotta decide if
working in the same place as Chuck is going to be too much for you. I’ll respect your decision either way, but I hope you won’t be too much of a douchenugget not to realize that this is the place you need to be, regardless of your ex.”

  Jesse lifted an eyebrow. “Douchenugget?”

  “I need to update my slang, huh? Guess we’re getting old.”

  “You’re getting old,” Jesse retorted.

  “Shit,” Kam said with a smile. “You used to be snappier on the comebacks. We need to get your synapses firing on all cylinders again.”

  “And you’re not just doing this because of your brother?”

  Kam ran his fingers through his hair. “Of course there’s a part of me that is. I couldn’t help him, I can help you…. I get it. Brittany said the same thing to me. But you’re not him. A bigger part of me wants you here because I’m sure you can get through to these kids in a way that I’ll never be able to. You can make a difference in their lives because of what you’ve overcome.”

  “I’m still fighting it.”

  “And so are they. They’ll be fighting it much longer, and much harder, than you will ever be. These kids need to see someone like you, Jesse, so they can know it will be okay.” Kam reached over to his desk and grabbed a manila envelope that he handed to Jesse. “Take the paperwork and think about it. We can catch up this weekend and talk over any questions you have.”

  Jesse gripped the envelope tightly, staring at his knuckles as his fingers flexed. He hadn’t ended up with any scarring, yet there were days he could still feel the echo of crunching bone in his joints.

  He didn’t know if that sensation would ever fully go away, but he was trying.

  He lifted his eyes to his best friend. “I don’t need the time. I’m in.”

  Chuck ditched his coat as soon as he got into his truck, throwing it into the passenger seat and cracking his window open. They were weeks away from anything that could be called spring-like in terms of temp, but the pervasive chill of winter was gone from the air. The drive to the boxing club took longer than usual because of the start of construction season—those ubiquitous orange barrels were already being lined up along the road—so he was running late when he pulled into the lot at the club to find Kam standing outside watching a piece of shit car pull out.