Even though he was expecting the call, Jesse jolted when his cell rang and Ryan's name appeared on the screen. “Hey, Ryan. What’s up?”
“Hey, Sollie. You, uh….” Ryan cleared his throat. “You sure you have a minute?”
Jesse glanced up at Chuck. His Mac was open in front of him and the SD card contents were already downloading, flashing across the screen, Chuck’s critical gaze locked to the images.
“Yeah. Nothing but time right now.”
“Look, I don’t know how else to do this other than to say I’ve been an asshole.”
Jesse exhaled a sigh of relief. “You’ve always been an asshole, Ryan. All us Kensington boys are.”
“No doubt,” Ryan said, the tension in his voice easing. “I owe you an apology, there’s no other way around it. What I said in Kam’s office was cruel. I heard what you said to those kids, and I wanted to dismiss it because it didn't fit with my view of the world up until then…. But I haven't stopped thinking about it for the last few days, and I finally realized why. I was that stranger you were talking about. I validated all your fears.”
Jesse’s throat tightened.
“Anyway, this doesn't excuse me, but Kelly and I have been going through some problems, and I’ve been taking my anger out on all the wrong people. You didn’t deserve my shit. I’m sorry.”
“I know all about unacceptable outlets of anger.”
“I guess you do.”
“I’m sorry to hear that things aren’t good with you and Kell.”
Ryan sighed. “They’re not just not good, I filed for divorce a few weeks back. The day before you came out to all of us.”
The first of the Kensington couples to bite the dust. Jesse’d thought he’d never see this day. “Fuck. I’m sorry, Ryan.”
“Kam knew about all of this, so I thought…. He really didn’t tell you anything?”
“He doesn’t break trust. Ever.”
“Fucking Kam. That man should be sainted. Well, no matter what’s going on with me, it doesn’t excuse the things I said or how I treated you, Jesse. You’re the same Jesse I’ve always been friends with, and I’m sorry for acting like that wasn’t the truth. If I could take it all back, I would. Anyway, I hope we’re cool.”
Jesse wouldn’t change anything—none of what had happened in the last six months. Everything had led him here. “Yeah, Ryan, we’re cool. But there’s someone else who should hear this from you too.”
“I got Chuck’s number from Kam. I was going to text him next. I don’t know if he’ll even be willing to talk to me.”
“I’m with him now.” Jesse met Chuck’s eyes. Chuck tipped his head to the side, eyebrows furrowed. “I think he may be willing to hear you out.” Jesse arched an eyebrow in silent question, and Chuck nodded.
“Fuck,” Ryan said. “Okay. Hand me over.”
Chuck grabbed hold of Jesse’s cell and put it to his ear. “Hey, Ryan.”
Jesse could hear the cadence of Ryan's voice on the other end of the line but couldn’t make out any of the words. Chuck’s jaw clenched, and he picked up a pen from the desk, tapping it on his leg. “Only his side of it,” Chuck said into the phone.
Jesse rested his elbows on his knees.
“You think?” Chuck said, his tone biting.
Fuck. Jesse couldn’t listen to any more.
He pushed up from the bed, and Chuck tracked his movements as Jesse gathered his toiletries together to jump in the shower. Chuck exhaled slowly and ran his fingers through his hair.
Jesse stood in the door of the bathroom, frozen as he tried to decide whether Chuck wanted him to hear this. Whether he wanted to hear it or not.
Chuck caught Jesse’s eyes and waved him off, then refocused on his call. “Talking to me now about this took cojones….”
Jesse shut the door and left them to it.
He stripped down and flipped the water on, leaving the fan off so the steam would fill the room. He stepped into the shower and lifted his face into the cascading water, then swiped it away from his eyes and let it run over his back, warming him.
He wasn’t exactly cold, but he’d grown accustomed to the internal heat built by running every day. He’d been worried about a post-marathon crash that would mess with his emotions and his nerves, but so far he was feeling fairly even. And in a few days, if he didn’t, he’d have his next appointment with his therapist to help him rebalance. He was going home to the Warriors, his parents, and Emily. To another league game this weekend with the boys.
With Chuck.
Out of all the support he had on his side, Chuck’s return to his life was the most bracing. There was still uncertainty between them, but just as much hope. The promise of what could come next terrified him and propelled him forward in equal measures.
Jesse cleaned up and shut the water off, wrapping a towel around his waist and heading out of the bathroom. Jesse’s cell was on the bed, and the room was quiet as Chuck worked at the desk.
Chuck had slipped the pen behind his ear, and he was curled over in the desk chair, focused on the screen and the image in front of him.
When Chuck heard the bathroom door open, he looked up at Jesse with a smile on his face. “Feel better?”
“I always stayed at these hotels because the shower head isn’t situated at my shoulders.”
“Do you miss being on the road for work?”
Jesse shook his head. “I’m a Kensington boy to the bone. I love my shitty hometown.”
Chuck smiled at that. “Come on over here. I want to show you something.”
Jesse settled on the bed, at the corner closest to the desk, and Chuck clicked through a few programs. As Chuck concentrated on the screen, Jesse couldn’t help but ask the question. “You and Ryan? That all go okay?”
“Yeah. I can’t quite forgive him yet. I’m going to have to see a hell of a lot of action with his words, but I have to give him credit. He’s trying.”
“Was he curious why we were together?”
“He didn’t even ask,” Chuck answered, distracted. “There it is.”
All thoughts of Ryan flew out of his head at the photo Chuck had pulled up of him running next to the vet Chuck had profiled. The vet’s head was thrown back in laughter, Jesse’s head turned towards him. The two of them in stark relief against the blue ocean in the distance and the sea of people around and behind them.
“If you’re okay with it, I’d like to use this photo in his story.” Jesse nodded, his heart pounding at the image in front of him. But Chuck was already moving on. “That’s not even the best one. I kept hoping I would catch you crossing the finish line, but I was so focused on Paul that I didn’t realize until I started looking through these that I actually did.”
“It’s….” Jesse’s voice caught in his throat at the image of the exact second in time he’d taken those last painful steps. Of the strength, relief, and pride in his features. “Fuck. Is that what I really look like?”
Chuck turned to face him. “What do you mean?”
“The image I have in my head of myself doesn’t match that at all,” he said, waving at the screen. “I mean, I know my body has changed—I can feel the difference and see it in the mirror every day—but mentally…. I don’t see any fear in that guy’s eyes, and I guess I didn’t realize that how much I’ve changed on the inside could be seen from the outside.”
Chuck laughed softly. “You’re happy, Jesse.”
“What the fuck?” Jesse said. He couldn’t stop the grin spreading across his face.
Chuck leaned back in the desk chair at a precarious angle. He braced himself with one hand on the bed between Jesse’s legs, and leaned back even farther, so he could peck Jesse on the lips. “Happiness looks good on you, Sollie.”
Jesse grasped the back of Chuck’s neck and pulled him closer, needing more. He languidly swiped at Chuck’s lips with his tongue, and Chuck pushed off the desk with his foot, so he could roll back and get a firm grip on Jesse.
“I’m rea
dy to jump back in bed,” Chuck breathed out between kisses.
“Thank fuck.”
Chuck laughed and pushed Jesse onto the bed, whipping open Jesse’s towel and his own shirt off. The first press of Chuck’s chest against his sent a heady pulse of need down Jesse’s spine. Jesse slipped his fingers down the back of Chuck’s jeans, cradling his ass and thrusting them together.
“How far do you want this to go?”
Chuck licked his lips. “As far as you can get your cock inside me.”
“Fuck.” Jesse searched Chuck’s face. “Please tell me you brought condoms because I definitely didn’t.”
“I did,” Chuck admitted. “I was hopeful.”
Jesse trailed his fingers over Chuck’s jaw. “Hopeful that you’d run into me in Brighton? Or hopeful that I’d agree to a road trip with you?”
“Hopeful that you’d be ready to give us a shot.”
Jesse didn’t know how to respond so he let his body speak for him. He kissed Chuck, stripped him, and took him into his mouth when Chuck spread his legs and opened himself to Jesse. He drank in every desperate moan ripped from Chuck’s lungs, the need to care for him overpowering.
When Jesse sheathed himself and pressed inside, Chuck gripped his hips and drove Jesse in deeper, setting a slow, intensely intimate rhythm. Chuck touched him with reverence and care—as if he could draw out Jesse’s frustration, anger, and fear with his hands. Jesse had thought there was nothing more of himself to reveal, nothing that hadn’t been bared in the last four months as he’d deconstructed each piece of himself to build it up stronger, but Chuck’s hands, his clear hazel eyes intent on Jesse, and his ragged gasps of pleasure unraveled Jesse to his core.
Chuck had pushed past Jesse’s walls in search of the man underneath, it was time Jesse let him all the way in.
Jesse slowed and leaned over Chuck, kissing him. “How much longer can you hold out?”
“I don’t know.”
“I want you to fuck me too.”
Chuck’s hips slammed up, his body shaking. “Saying that is a way to make me come, not make me last longer.”
Jesse grinned against Chuck’s lips. “Will you?”
“Yeah, Jesse. Anything you want.”
Jesse slipped out and ditched the condom, his nerves amping up as Chuck confidently reached for the lube.
“Hey,” Chuck said. He slid his hand over Jesse’s thigh. “You sure about this?”
“I’ve been sure for a long time,” Jesse answered honestly.
“Okay.”
Jesse scooted up the bed and Chuck nudged his legs apart, settling in. Chuck had finger fucked him more times than he could count, so this part wasn’t new territory, yet the first brush of Chuck’s fingers over his hole felt new. More vulnerable.
Chuck’s chest heaved with deep inhales as he fingered Jesse open. “When was the last time you bottomed?”
Jesse clamped his teeth around his lip. Let this confession go. “Never.”
Chuck’s hand stilled and his eyes lifted to Jesse’s. “Jesse—”
“I know it’s going to hurt,” he cut in. “But I trust you.”
Chuck furrowed his brow, seemingly less than convinced.
“Come on, Chuckie,” Jesse said. “I want to know what it feels like to have you inside me.”
“Fuck,” Chuck ground out as he slipped his fingers out and reached for a condom. “How could I possibly say no to that? Flip on your side. It’ll be better that way.”
Chuck kissed at the back of Jesse’s neck, hand skating over Jesse’s ribs and holding him tight. His slick, sheathed cock slid between Jesse’s ass cheeks and his chest pressed into Jesse’s back. Jesse breathed with him, relaxing into Chuck’s arms and giving himself over to Chuck’s whispered instructions.
He exhaled and bore down when the head of Chuck’s cock breached him, and the instant pressure and burn caught Jesse off guard, no matter how prepared he’d thought he’d been. His breath caught and Chuck didn’t move.
“I got you.”
Jesse shut out every other sensation besides the reassuring brush of Chuck’s hands on his skin, Chuck’s breath on the back of his neck, and the need—steadily building low in his stomach—to have Chuck buried inside him. He had no sense of time, of how long it took before Chuck really began to move. Before Chuck angled his hips and drove inside Jesse, hitting that spot that forced a desperate gasp of need past his lips.
All he knew was that he’d never given himself over to anyone like he had with Chuck. Not just this—everything. He dug his fingers into Chuck’s hip and felt the burn wash away, replaced with an arcing jolt of pleasure when Chuck’s hand wrapped around his cock.
Chuck’s harsh breaths rasped in his ear and Chuck’s lips found his neck as Jesse’s muscles tensed, coiled tightly, then released as his hips bucked, thrusting his cock into Chuck’s hand until he didn’t want to hold out anymore. Chuck was only seconds behind him, burying himself so deep that there was no space, no separation, between them.
Chuck slipped out and collapsed onto the bed. “Holy fuck, Sollie.”
“That fuck was definitely spiritual,” Jesse rasped out.
The bed shook with Chuck’s laughter, then Chuck propped himself up on one arm and peered down at Jesse. “You okay?”
Jesse could barely find the energy to smile even though he felt happiness—like the sun shone down on him full and bright—down to his bones. “You have no idea how ‘okay’ I am.”
Chuck kissed him softly. “I think maybe I do.”
Yeah. Maybe Chuck did.
Chuck rolled out of the bed and set to cleaning both of them up before shutting off the lights and crawling into bed again with Jesse. He tucked himself under Jesse’s arm and rested his head on Jesse’s chest.
“You know what my favorite part of the day was when we were together?” Jesse asked.
Chuck placed a lingering kiss to Jesse’s skin. “What?”
“This. Getting into bed with you at the end of the day. Laying against you and talking. I could be myself there. It was the only place I could do that. It’s not the only place anymore, but it’s still the best.”
“Sleeping alone sucks.”
“Now it does,” Jesse teased. “You ruined that for me.”
Chuck slid his hand around Jesse’s waist and pulled him in closer. “I remember being a kid and wishing that either one of my parents would stay in the room with me before I fell asleep.”
“I don’t get it,” Jesse said. “How is it that you had shitty ass parents and ended up so in control, and I had great parents and ended up so fucked up?”
“We’re all fucked up, Jesse. Just in our own individual fucked up ways.”
Months ago, Jesse would’ve rolled his eyes in disbelief. Now, though, he had the feeling Chuck was trying to tell him something important. Opening himself up to Jesse just as much as Jesse had with him. “So, what’s yours?”
“Me?” Chuck’s fingers dug into Jesse’s skin as if he was holding onto Jesse for support. “I literally wear my emotions on my sleeve—permanently scarring my skin because I can’t handle holding all of my pain, anger, and hurt inside me. There are lots of reasons why people get tattoos, but mine have always been more about release—and maybe punishment—than for the art.”
“That is fucked up.”
Chuck huffed out a laugh. “I know.”
Jesse ran his fingertips over Chuck’s side. “So, this new tat…?”
“It’s the address of my parents’ house.”
Jesse’s heart ached. He kissed Chuck’s head and held onto him tighter. “You can always talk to me. Or find someone else to talk to if you need to. But if you ever need to get another tattoo…. I’ll go with you if you want.”
“Jesus Christ, Jesse,” Chuck groaned. “You kill me.”
“In good ways, I hope.”
“Oh yeah.” Chuck rested his chin on Jesse’s chest and looked up at him. “As for how else I’m fucked up…. There’s the fac
t that I’ve spent most of my life in relationships that would never go anywhere.”
Jesse swallowed thickly and forced himself not to flinch away. “And now?”
“What you said when you came out at the club….”
I’ve known what it’s like to love both a woman and a man. He hadn’t regretted saying that then, and he didn’t now. “I remember.”
“I’m the first man you’ve ever been in a relationship with, right?” Chuck asked. His expression unreadable.
Jesse’s heartbeat kicked up, but he couldn’t lie about this. “You know you are.”
“So how do you feel about that man now?”
Jesse took a deep breath. “Stronger than I did then.”
“And what about him?” Chuck asked, the hint of a smile on his lips. “How do you think he feels?”
“I think he feels the same.”
Chuck leaned forward and placed a soft kiss on Jesse’s lips. “Yeah, Jesse. I think he does too.”
It was yet another weekend spent in a bubble with Jesse, and Chuck couldn’t help but be afraid of what would happen this time when it popped. He hoped for a completely different outcome than the first few months they’d been together, but as they left the hotel behind, Jesse focused on the landscape and the radio, providing one word or closed off answers when Chuck tried to engage him.
Chuck’s stomach tumbled. Jesse wasn’t pissed—that much he could tell—but there was something going on in his head that he wasn’t giving voice to. And the closer they got to Kensington, to Jesse’s hometown, the quieter Jesse got. His demeanor change unnerved Chuck. Especially considering how vulnerable Chuck had left himself over the last three days.
“You want me to drop you off at your place?” Chuck asked as they drove past the dilapidated welcome sign at Kensington’s border.
Jesse shook his head. “Need to go to the club. Kam told me they’re throwing a surprise congratulations party for me.”
“He knows you hate surprises then?”
Out of the Shade Page 32