She suspected he was dying to bend her over and spank her ass for the swearing.
She pressed her body against his and felt his cock stiffen in his pants. Her body instinctively responded in the old familiar way that nearly took her knees out. “I’ve been told that before, Admiral.”
His gaze pierced into hers even as his expression softened. “I have missed you beyond words, Ki’ato,” he whispered. “Beyond measure.”
When she tried to kiss him he grabbed her wrists and gently pushed her away without letting go. “I am sorry. I cannot. You are not my t’wren anymore. My Master released you, even if our hearts and souls could not.”
The one thing she didn’t want to do was cry, yet that’s exactly what she did. Large hot tears slid down her cheeks. “Why didn’t he tell me? Why didn’t you tell me? Why did he let me go knowing it would kill him?”
“I suspect your yeoman told you that.”
He followed Aine to the floor as she crumpled to her knees. “All I wanted was a career. I wanted to be a captain. You never told me before you took me that you would make me give all that up! You knew how much my career meant to me. Why would you force me to make that choice?”
He shook his head. “We never said you couldn’t be a captain, Ki’ato. Never.”
“You did!” she screamed. “You fucking liar!”
“We asked you only to give up your Confederation commission, never your captaincy. You could have transferred to our fleet to serve with me there. I told you that! Do you think you would have been given command of the Haltoran-dey otherwise? We loved you. We wanted you close where we could keep you safe, at least keep you with me in our fleet so I could protect you. You could have flown as long as you wanted, as many missions as you desired, even if it hurt us to let you go every time. We only wanted you to serve in our fleet to keep you close.”
A large, hot knot choked her throat. “What?” It came out barely more than a gasp. “You said you’d give up your ranking to stay with Ker.”
He nodded. “I never said I would make you give up yours. Only your Confederation commission. You are the one who promised you would never leave us.” His expression darkened, hurt. “You broke that promise.”
“You told me I couldn’t fly!”
Confusion twisted his face. “What? No, I never said that! You are the one who insisted you had to hold a Confederation commission, that our ships and our fleet commissions were not good enough for you!”
“I thought you said…you told me I had to choose to stay, to serve Ker with you, couldn’t go back. Had to give up my commission, that I couldn’t fly anymore!”
He nodded, his confusion turning to horror. “Your Confederation commission, not flying, not your career. I never asked you to give up flying. You had to stay with us, serve on our ships. To serve with me, in our fleet.”
He slowly shook his head. “Oh, Ki’ato, I thought you understood. We would never ask you to give up…” He released her hands and slumped against the bulkhead, his eyes closed. “Gods, no. Oh, no. All these years. What have I done?”
She stared at him, her chest hot and heavy as another storm of grief rapidly built inside her. Had she simply misunderstood? Her stubbornness getting in the way, again, butting heads with him that day as they often had during their time together? All these years alone, all this pain, Ker now dying, all over a fucking misunderstanding?
She couldn’t bear it, felt her sanity tipping. Sobbing and overwhelmed with pain, she ran from the airlock, desperately punching the keypad to open the hatch.
“Ki’ato, please, wait!”
She couldn’t. She punched in the code to seal the hatch behind her and raced for the waiting lift and Caz’s comforting arms. He didn’t ask her what happened and she didn’t volunteer. He tucked her into her bunk and cuddled her against him as she cried herself to sleep.
* * * *
Caz stared into her sleeping face. A mere child compared to his years. He couldn’t comprehend what emotions ripped at her soul. To willingly walk away from not one, but two bonded mates who would die for her love, soul mates she still loved and desired with all her heart…
She was far stronger than he ever dreamed.
The pain in her soul must be nearly unbearable.
The com terminal in her cabin blinked. He carefully untangled himself from her without waking her and answered. “Yes?”
“I have a private com request for Captain Lorcan from the Tav’rokian Might.”
“The captain is asleep. She is not available. Let Maddings handle it or she can call them back later.”
The com officer nervously cleared his throat. “He asked to speak to her personally. It’s Ambassador D’arsolan.”
* * * *
As a personal oath-bound officer, Caz was privy to everything his captain wanted him to know. Including her codes. He had security clear the docking bay and secure the lift before he walked to the airlock hatch and punched in her code. Ambassador D’arsolan turned at the sound of the hatch opening, then looked momentarily startled before a careful mask slipped across his expression.
“I expected Captain Lorcan,” he said in Act’huran.
The hatch closed behind Caz, sealing them in and concealing their conversation from prying ears. “She’s ill,” he replied, also in Act’huran.
With that revelation the Ambassador dropped all pretenses. “Is she all right?”
“Not as of right now she’s not. How are you doing, sir?”
The Ambassador frowned. “I have been better.” Stalemate. “Admiral Jorvis spoke very highly of you.”
“Thank you.”
He studied the yeoman. “Hypothetically speaking, if Captain Lorcan—”
“I follow her where she goes, regardless of where her commission or career takes her.” He leveled a pointed gaze at the larger man. “I serve her and only her.”
One eyebrow slid up. Caz saw where Jorvis picked up the habit. “Is that so?”
“If that’s a concern, then yes, that’s so. If she decided to leave and would take me with her, I would gladly go. If she told me to serve someone else with her, I would do that as well, without hesitation. I am oath bound to her. According to Confederation regulations, that supersedes all else. I am bound to her as my captain, not to any ship or branch of service.” He studied Ker’s expression. “If she leaves the Confederation to return to her Master, I would follow her there as well. If she would have me.”
Ker’s voice softened. “I looked you up. Your Master and t’wren were good, honorable people who served our forces with exceptional distinction. My regrets and sorrows go with you over their loss.”
That was almost enough to smash Caz’s composure. “Thank you, sir. I loved them very much and feel their loss every day.”
The Ambassador stepped back toward his ship’s hatch. “Please offer Captain Lorcan my respectful hopes for her quick recovery.”
Caz opened the hatch behind him and stepped out of the airlock, where he reverted to English. “I suspect there’s only one cure for what ails her, sir.”
“And what is that?”
Caz rested his hand over the lock panel. “The same thing that would cure you.” He sealed the hatch and took a moment to gather his thoughts.
When he returned to her cabin she was still asleep. He felt her distress, her grief, her anger and rage, close to the surface in her mind. Times like this made his empathic skills more a liability than a blessing. The carefully constructed wall she’d spent years reinforcing had crashed around her without warning or preparation.
Soul raw and bleeding, she suffered. Badly.
* * * *
By late that afternoon, Caz knew Aine was in dire shape. She bordered on dehydration and had lost nearly ten pounds over the past several days. He hesitated to call in the ship’s doctor, afraid he would declare her unfit for duty and add insult to injury.
She slept the day away. After evening mess ended, he made a call to the Tav’rokian Might and asked to be
put through to Admiral Jorvis. Ten minutes later, he let the Admiral in through the airlock.
Sammuel silently followed Caz through the deserted passages to her cabin. Caz kept her lights dim, the cabin temperature perfect for her. Caz ushered him into her cabin and pointed to the bunk. Then he sealed the door and took up his familiar position in the corner chair.
“You are not leaving?” Sammuel asked.
“Would you really expect me to leave her alone in this condition, sir?”
“Good point.” Sammuel carefully climbed into the bunk with her. He closed his eyes and inhaled her scent. It had been so long, so many painful, empty years without her. Then knowing Ker was dying only compounded his grief. That Ker swore him to secrecy added to his personal agony. So many times he wished he could tell her, hoping she would want to come back.
Never dreaming it was his fault she left in the first place. He’d blamed it on her stubborn will, misplaced pride.
Blamed it on her having less than a soul full of love for them both. Doubting his choice in her too many times to count, believing he had acted rashly in picking her. Anger.
Longing.
He pressed his lips to her forehead, chanting in his mind, “Ki’ato…love. I love you.”
Unconsciously, her body recognized he was there and snuggled tightly against him. Without talking to Ker first, he couldn’t offer her any more comfort than this. Two hours later her body stiffened in his arms as she quickly burst from sleep into full awareness.
“Lie still, Ki’ato,” he said in Act’huran. “Rest.”
As if reluctant, she eventually settled against him and allowed him to hold her.
He shifted position, his lips pressed to her ear as his arms tightly held her. She did not fight him.
He coiled her braid around one hand, held it snugly, and pushed her mouth against his shoulder. He whispered to her. “Bite down, Ki’ato. Hard.”
Aine shivered in his arms as she tentatively pressed her teeth against his shirt, then clamped down.
His other arm skimmed down her back, his hand splayed across the curve of her ass. In barely more than a whisper he said, “I love you with all my soul. If you still love me, show me. If you still feel for me the way I feel for you…come.”
Her body tensed in his arms as her teeth clamped down to stifle her scream. He positioned one thigh between her legs, pressing hard into her mound as her first climax slammed into her. She sobbed against him, the sound muffled by his shoulder. It hurt, but he would gladly bear the mark.
Caz made no move to step in and interfere.
“Very good,” Sammuel whispered, his grip on her braid tightening. “Again…come, now.”
She cried out, her body arching into him, not releasing her hold on his shoulder. Before she had time to recover from that one, he rolled her onto her back, pinning her to the bed. “Again. Come for me now.”
His erection strained through his trousers, wanting to plunge deeply into her, to fuck her, show her he loved her and take her away and keep her safe and secure forever. He nuzzled her ear, not quite kissing her, knowing Ker had never anticipated he would do this with her and thanking Fate for that.
As her body went limp beneath him he nipped her earlobe. “One more…come hard for me, Ki’ato. Now.”
A low, long moan rippled through her. She threw her head back and gave herself over to his strength, her hands clenched around his arms. He knew if his cock was sheathed inside her how it would feel, every exquisitely pleasurable sensation, every ripple of her slick muscles.
Sammuel wondered how many men she’d been with since them and tried to stifle that thought. He lowered his forehead to her chest and deeply inhaled. She smelled fresh and pure, untouched, his and Ker’s scent still part of her.
Could it be?
* * * *
As her senses returned, Aine held her breath for a long moment, then blew it out. Sammuel wasn’t prepared when she sat up and pushed him away. “How did you get into my cabin?”
“My fault, sir,” Caz answered from across the room.
“He was right to do it,” Sammuel said. “Please, Little One, do not do this to yourself.”
Aine battled a wave of rage, followed by agonizing pain of loss. “What do you care? You let me leave! Then the first time I see you in years you both act like you don’t know me! Fuck you!”
She tried to climb out of the bunk but Sammuel grabbed her and pulled her back, wrapping his arms around her. “You do not leave here until I have my say, Ki’ato!”
Aine struggled against him. “Let me go!”
“No!” He gripped her chin and forced her to look into his eyes. “You stubborn, willful child! What do you see when you look into the mirror every day, hmm? I see your eyes staring back at me, I hear your voice and smell your sweet scent. Every day I am away from you is an agony. Please, I am begging you, and you know I do not beg. Come back to us!”
She froze again. “Come back?”
“Yes! I can give you a ship larger than this one. As many as you want. Master can have you named any rank you desire!”
She sneered. “Fine. I don’t earn it, I fuck for it.”
He shook her. “I screwed up! Is that what you want to hear? I failed you, I admit it. I totally failed you as your Master. I did not know you misunderstood me. This is my fault and I take full blame, but please do not make our Master suffer any longer for my mistake!”
Finally stunned into silence, she stared at him in disbelief.
He tried again. “We have never stopped loving you, Ki’ato. We have never stopped missing you. Every moment of every day you are in our hearts and souls. Always. And every second we cannot actively touch you with our souls is an agony for us.”
Aine forced her expression from distraught to totally blank. “Please leave,” she whispered. “Now.”
“Ki—”
“Stop, Admiral. Leave. Now.”
He slowly climbed to his feet and stared at her, then formally bowed. “As you wish, Captain.” He stiffly turned on his heel and left.
Caz shook his head as he raced to her side to comfort her. She sobbed, her temporary façade shattered. An hour later she lay broken in his arms.
“Why did you make him leave?” Caz asked.
“I can’t take this anymore. I left because I misunderstood him? I lost all those years with them because I was stupid and didn’t listen?”
“They want you back. They love you.”
“I’m not the woman I was.”
“They aren’t the men you left, either.”
She shivered and closed her eyes. “I don’t know if I know how to love anymore.”
“I’m sure that’s not true, sir. If you didn’t still love them you wouldn’t hurt this bad.”
“I don’t know how to trust.”
“You trusted me.”
“That’s different.” She sighed and went silent.
A few minutes later, Caz realized she’d fallen asleep again. Good, she desperately needed it.
* * * *
Early the next morning, after Caz dozed off next to her, Aine took the opportunity to shower, dress, and head for the bridge. When he caught up with her there a little after 0600 hours, he glared at her as he handed over her morning cup of coffee.
“You didn’t wake me, sir.”
The Ice Queen had returned. “You looked comfortable.” She finally turned her gaze to his. “Is there anything else, Yeoman?”
He straightened, posture stiff. “No, sir. Do you wish to take your morning meal here or in your cabin?”
“I’m not hungry.”
He didn’t challenge her. “Very well, sir.” He stepped to the back of the bridge, to his usual post, where he could observe her.
All morning Aine felt aware of his presence, not quite an accusation radiating from him, but close to it.
At least from her command chair she could look out the front vid ports and see space, not the emissary vessel securely snugged to her ship’s b
elly.
Or Caz’s glare behind her.
Want her back? Love her? How could they possibly love her after she left them like that?
Sammuel admitting he screwed up? Didn’t she fail him, not the other way around?
Stubborn, willful child. The words floated to her from her memory, Sammuel’s voice, from one of their many arguments during their time together.
Mid-morning, Caz brought her a protein drink and stood at her elbow, hovering until she finished every drop. She handed the empty glass to him. “Happy?”
He curtly nodded. “Thank you, sir.”
She’d hurt his feelings and that compounded her guilt.
* * * *
Caz forced her to drink another protein shake after coaxing a small bowl of fruit into her for lunch. He felt her trying to rebuild her emotional wall, rapidly jamming brick after brick into place haphazardly, in a way he knew would only lead to a full and irreversible breakdown if she didn’t stop.
She needed her men as much as they needed her.
When she refused to leave the helm that afternoon, he knew he had a couple of hours available to him and left the bridge. Locking himself in her cabin, he used her private terminal to request a com link to the Admiral. Ten minutes later they met in the airlock.
Admiral Jorvis wore a blank expression but Caz felt his tension, near desperation.
“What did you wish to talk about?” the Admiral asked in Act’huran.
“I think the Ambassador needs to talk to her personally.”
“He tried, if you’ll recall. You appeared in her stead.”
“Tonight, 2200 hours. I’ll let you both in and give you access to her cabin.”
Jorvis hesitated, considering. “He will not force her back.”
“I don’t think that would even remotely be necessary. She will soon die at this rate. I have to force her to eat. She’s in misery and too damn stubborn to admit it.”
At that revelation Jorvis’ lips curled in a faint, wistful smile. “She was always very willful and stubborn. I cannot tell you how much I missed that, even as much as it sometimes frustrated me. I also want you to understand you always have a welcomed and honored place in our household for the rest of your life, guaranteed. My Master will always honor her oath bond to you if you do not desire release from it.”
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