His laugh makes me uncomfortable, but I swallow that down. People react to stress strangely.
‘So, what did they say?’
‘They totally understood,’ he says. ‘I know the admitting psychiatrist, John Dapland, very well. He says that obviously this isn’t easy for me, and that he understands that I must have tried everything before resorting to this. He’ll explain it to the external psychiatrist. Explain my expertise and all that, but he’s probably also heard of me, so that should be fine. This will be over soon, Mary. The kids and I will be safe.’
I nod to myself. I might not love the plan Leo has hatched, but I respect it. He’s keeping his children safe.
‘Keep me posted,’ I say.
‘Mary,’ says Leo. ‘You have no idea the strength that you are giving me. Meeting you has . . .’ His voice chokes up, and he stops speaking. ‘Thank you,’ he eventually says.
‘You just stay focused,’ I say. ‘Do what you need to do for yourself and the kids.’
‘I will,’ he says. ‘And I will owe you everything.’
Once Leo is off the phone, Django and I go to visit my dad. What’s happening with Leo has reminded me how important my father is to me. And, to make things weird, my mother has moved in with him. I am now a person with two parents who live in the same house and sleep in the same bed, and I don’t even know what to do with that information. And they’re all over each other – not grossly, but constant touches and passing kisses. It makes me cringe, but Django finds it hilarious – as in he laughs every time it happens. I like hearing Django laugh, so I take comfort in that and try not to think too much about any of it.
My father’s health is much better, but he is devastated that I have broken up with Joshua. It’s strange, but with all the drama with April and Leo, that’s drifted into the back of my mind; when I think of it though, it’s like touching a bruise. So I try not to think of it. I guess it can’t have been such a great love if I can distract myself so easily.
I’m also struggling with work. I know the economy is bad, but some of my work seems to be drying up. I’m worried that between the drama with Joshua and April and my parents, I’ve let the quality of my work slip. After I visit my dad, I send an email to all the clients who have cancelled work asking them to tell me honestly why they have cancelled. There are five clients who have cancelled – a huge chunk of my income. Four ignore my mail; one comes back and just says, ‘It wasn’t your work. It wasn’t you. Orders from above.’
What? God? I want to answer, but I know how pointless it is trying to understand corporate decisions. Instead, I refresh my marketing email and send it out to twenty new possible contacts. I update my website, adding links to recent work, and I refresh the photo on my Twitter profile, as well as adding some new links there. Freelancing is a constant hustle but it keeps me close to Django, so I do the dance. By the end of the first day, I already have one new assignment.
‘That’s how you do it,’ I tell April mentally, feeling pleased with myself, with my hard-won resilience.
Leo phones again the next day. I can hear from the echo that he’s in the garden, and he speaks softly, so that April won’t hear.
‘We’ve done all the paperwork,’ he says. ‘Now I just need to get her to the doctors, and they’ll admit her immediately.’
‘Today?’ I say.
My stomach feels tight at the thought, and I remind myself that April – who hasn’t been in contact with me in the last two days – is the baddy here. She abuses her husband. She’s horrible to her kids and she’s going to hurt them if we don’t do something now. She deserves what is coming to her.
‘Yes,’ he says.
‘What will you tell her?’ I ask.
‘That I’m taking her out for breakfast.’
‘Won’t she be suspicious?’ I ask.
‘Maybe,’ he says. ‘But I’m just going to have to persuade her.’
‘You have to make it sound romantic,’ I say. ‘Big surprise. Because you realise how lucky you are to have her. That sort of thing.’
‘Maybe as an apology,’ he says.
‘For what?’
‘Oh, Mary,’ he says. ‘I’m always apologising for something with April. Sometimes just the way I breathe is wrong.’
For a moment, I am back with Travis. I am lying in bed. ‘Must you breathe so loud?’ Travis says.
‘I understand,’ I tell Leo. ‘I really do. Yes, an apology will work.’
‘When this is done, I’m taking you for dinner,’ says Leo. ‘It will be a pleasure to be thanking someone, instead of apologising.’
I feel a stir of excitement at the idea of dinner with Leo. After the call, I find myself thinking about it, obsessing almost. What will I wear? He’ll take me somewhere really nice, that’s for sure. I’ve got to give it to Leo, once he has a plan, he executes it. No shilly-shallying. It’s sexy, a man who acts with decision.
My thoughts are interrupted by my phone ringing. It’s April.
‘He’s up to something, Mary,’ she whispers. ‘He wants to take me somewhere, but he won’t say where. I don’t know what to do.’
‘Well,’ I say carefully. ‘Where could it be?’
‘No idea,’ she says. ‘That’s why I am freaked. He never surprises me. This can’t be good.’
‘But you can’t refuse and make him suspicious, can you?’
‘Why would refusing make him suspicious?’
Good point.
‘Well, I guess I mean upset him. Right? Like you might as well just go along and see.’
‘What if he’s taking me somewhere to murder me?’
I feel a shiver of apprehension. I’ve made peace with the fact that Leo is doing what he needs to do, but I don’t like it. Maybe I should tell April not to go.
‘Surely he would just murder you at home?’ I say, trying to make a joke of it.
‘I don’t think that you understand how dangerous he is, Mary,’ she says, and for a moment I wonder if Leo is telling the truth. April sounds so scared. ‘He would kill me if he knew I was leaving. What if he knows?’
That shifts me back to reality. He does know that she’s thinking of leaving, and he hasn’t killed her. He’s the one trying to keep his children safe.
‘Maybe it’s a nice surprise,’ I say. ‘Maybe he’s sorry.’
‘He’s always sorry,’ she says with a sigh. ‘He’s had a hard time of life; he doesn’t mean to be how he is. He’s always sorry.’
‘So maybe he wants to do something nice for you.’
‘I guess,’ she says. If she was really scared, she wouldn’t be persuaded so quickly. ‘So I should go?’ she says.
‘What possible harm could there be?’ I say.
Chapter 46
I hear nothing more from either of them all day. I try April’s phone, but it goes straight to voicemail.
I’m excited and on edge all day. I can’t concentrate. When Django speaks to me, I have to ask him to repeat himself before I can answer. My phone rings, but I don’t answer, because I want the line to be open for Leo.
I feel like a teenager waiting for the boy she likes to phone.
And I have to own it: I do like Leo. I feel terrible for him, in this awful situation. But he’s sorting it out, and he’ll get away from April and get to keep his children safe. He’s a lot like me, really. And maybe then, when they are all settled and things are calm, maybe Leo will have space to move on.
And maybe that chemistry between us . . . well, maybe it’s real.
And maybe, when Leo decides to move on, I’ll be there.
In the afternoon, my phone beeps. It’s Leo.
It’s done.
I try to imagine where April is now, what’s going through her head, if she knows that I was involved. I call him.
‘Are you okay?’ I say.
‘It was awful,’ he says. ‘I got the two doctors to see her at once, and when she realised that it was doctors, she was completely confused. But then they started askin
g her questions, and I think she almost immediately saw the whole thing – and she started yelling about how she should have listened to her inner voices.’
He pauses.
‘Which was kind of perfect, because I told them that I’m scared she’s a paranoid schizophrenic.’ I’m not sure, but I think he laughs. It’s a strangled noise. ‘Then she started the stories she’s told you – all about how I apparently am the one hurting her.’
‘And what did they say?’
‘They know me professionally, Mary. They know how much I do for women. They know where I stand on abuse. They wouldn’t believe those lies for one minute.’
There’s a small subtext: unlike me.
‘Anyway,’ he says, ‘they could see how dangerous she is to herself. They restrained her and gave her a sedative. She’ll be locked up for the seventy-two hours, at least. And I can get away.’
‘Where are you going?’
‘I’ve rented a house, so that the kids have somewhere comfortable. She’ll never find us. It’s nowhere that she knows.’
I don’t know how to react.
‘Well done,’ I say eventually, not quite able to get an image of a sedated, restrained April out of my head. I have to remind myself again of what she has done – picture those scars on Leo’s hands; the broken arm. ‘You’ve done what you need to do.’
‘I know it’s crazy,’ he says, ‘but even after everything she’s done to me, I feel bad. I keep thinking about how angry she must be, though.’
‘Yes, me too. And betrayed.’
I’m relieved that Leo is also feeling a bit bad – it makes him human.
‘But I’m also petrified, Mary,’ he says, his voice breaking. ‘She will kill me if she gets hold of me. That’s what she was yelling as they took her away. She’ll kill me, and take the kids.’
‘But she won’t find you. And you’ll get your lawyers ready. She won’t be able to get near you.’
‘Right,’ he says. ‘Just keep reminding me, okay. Because this is scary for me.’
‘You’ve been through a lot,’ I say. ‘More than most people can handle. But you’ve taken control. You’re going to be fine.’
‘Thanks,’ he says.
There’s another awkward pause.
‘So,’ he says, ‘I obviously need to be with the kids tonight. They’ll be scared and confused, and we need to move as soon as possible. But what about tomorrow night?’
‘Tomorrow night?’
‘For our dinner date?’
I smile.
‘Tomorrow will be fine.’
Chapter 47
Tonight will be my third dinner date with Leo. That first one, he was distracted, worrying about April and what she was thinking and what she would do. I was distracted about what she would be thinking about me, whether she would realise I knew, what would happen when she came out of the mental hospital. At the end, Leo apologised and said he guessed he just hadn’t realised how hard it would be.
We went out a second time after April’s stay was extended. Apparently she had shown the mental health professionals in the hospital exactly how crazy she is – attacking people, screaming unless sedated. Leo seemed relieved that someone else had seen the side of April that he knew, and I had to agree. Even though I now believe Leo, it feels good that the professionals agree. They wouldn’t get it wrong. She’s safer getting proper care. Leo did the right thing.
That evening was easier – we laughed a lot and told each other more about our histories. April was right about one thing – Leo’s past is complicated. His upbringing was hair-raising. But it’s given him strength – the strength to get out of an abusive relationship. The strength that I am drawn to, more and more.
And after that second evening, he phoned and invited me out to dinner again.
‘Has something happened?’ I said.
‘No, everything’s fine.’ He cleared his throat. ‘Perhaps I need to spell something out,’ he said. ‘Because you and I, we aren’t people who play games. I’m asking you out on a date, Mary. I know it’s soon, and I know I’m not out of my marriage yet. But you and me . . . what we have between us is something I can’t just ignore. I feel drawn to you like I’ve never been drawn to another woman. I think about you all the time. I . . . I think about you.’
It wasn’t just me.
‘I think about you too,’ I said. ‘Think about you.’ I could actually feel myself becoming aroused just speaking to him like that – that’s how overwhelming my attraction to Leo has become.
‘So let’s go on a date tonight,’ he said. ‘And stop thinking so much.’
His meaning is unmistakable. And I want it, I want him. More than I’ve ever wanted any man before. That is the truth of it.
I arrange for Django to stay at Stacey’s that night. I don’t know why, but I don’t feel comfortable telling my parents about what has happened with April and Leo. I told Stacey, and I’m not sure that she thinks getting involved with Leo so soon is a good idea. But Stacey never judges me. She says, ‘I’m sure you know what you’re doing, babe – just don’t let yourself get hurt.’
Stacey picks Django up in the afternoon, using her spare key to let herself in. She finds me in my bedroom, with all my clothes spread out on the bed, trying to choose what to wear.
‘It’s just a man,’ she says, giving me a hug. ‘Any man would be happy to go out to dinner with you, even if you were wearing a paper bag.’
I laugh. ‘You’re right,’ I say. ‘But still, this is different. I can’t explain, Stace. But it is.’
Stacey frowns for a moment. ‘I’m sure it is,’ she says. ‘Just take it slow, okay.’ Then she smiles. ‘Look at me – Disaster Central handing out relationship advice.’
She leaves, with the boys excitedly planning how they will spend their evening, and I am left to get ready.
I dress carefully. I dress the way I am feeling. Hot and sexy and out there. I wear a low-cut wraparound dress that hugs my curves and shows off my cleavage. I wear lacy underwear that peeps over the edge of the dress like an invitation. The summer heat is working for me, matching what I am feeling. I do my make-up carefully, spending more time on my lips than usual. Finally, I put on my highest high heels – shoes not made for walking. I’m dressing to go to bed with Leo, and by the time the doorbell rings, I’m turned on just thinking about it.
I buzz him through the gate and he comes up to the front door, which I open slowly, revealing myself.
‘God,’ he says. ‘You look . . . hot.’
I smile.
He steps into the passage. He’s standing so there’s a centimetre between us. The air is alive with electricity. He reaches out and gently touches my dress, over my nipple. It is the sexiest thing that anyone has ever done. My nipples are immediately erect, and he can see it.
But I want to play out the tension. I want to feel the build-up.
‘So,’ I say. ‘Supper?’
‘Do you really want to go out?’ he says. ‘We could just . . . stay here.’ He looks at me, his eyes intense. ‘I know you want to.’
I’m so turned on. I consider it. Hard fast sex right here. Django is with Stacey. His kids are with a babysitter. We could do it.
But I want more than that.
‘I do,’ I say. ‘But I want to go out first. I want to be out with you, knowing that later . . .’ I let my voice trail off. I have never spoken like this in my life. I don’t know where this Mary comes from.
‘Okay,’ he says. He steps back, hands held up. ‘You’re the boss.’
He reaches out and does that thing again, his thumb flicking against my nipple. Jesus.
‘Sorry,’ he says. ‘I just had to do that before you change.’
‘Change?’
‘Well, you can’t go out like that,’ he says. ‘It’s way too sexy. I’d die of jealousy having other men see you like this, wanting to fuck you. This is just for me. This sex goddess is mine alone.’
Just the sound of him saying ‘fuck’
makes me weak at the knees. But I stand my ground.
‘Um,’ I say, ‘I kind of thought it would be nice to look sexy out? This is what I want to wear.’
‘No,’ he says. ‘Not happening. I couldn’t stand it.’ He reaches out again and touches my face. ‘Humour me, Mary.’
I shrug. The man has been through a lot. And I’ve never met anyone so sexy. I can barely wait to get home after dinner. He’s been through so much; I don’t want him to be uncomfortable.
I turn to go back to my room to change. And then I stop.
The impact of what he just said sinks in. He’s policing me, telling me what I can and can’t wear. And then the echo in the words that I just thought, excusing him. There was no excuse for what he said. None. But I’m excusing him.
Just like April always did.
I have got this all so wrong.
I turn back.
‘I think you’d better go,’ I say.
Leo steps towards me. I’m suddenly aware of how much stronger than me he is.
‘Mary, please,’ he says. ‘Don’t take it badly. I didn’t mean anything.’
I step back from him. It’s like I’ve been drugged and the drug has suddenly worn off. I can see clearly.
‘There’s a panic button right here on the wall,’ I tell Leo. ‘If you take one step closer, I will push it.’
It’s not a panic button. It’s a light switch. But in a city where most homes have a panic system, Leo won’t know this.
He steps towards me. ‘Do you think I’m a fool, Mary? That’s a light switch.’
My back is now against the wall. ‘You need to leave, Leo,’ I say, trying my best to sound firm. ‘If you don’t leave, I am going to call the police.’
He takes another step towards me. He’s in my space now. ‘Don’t be like this, Mary,’ he says. ‘You’re totally misunderstanding me. I just want you to change your dress. That doesn’t seem too much to ask. I don’t know why you’re overreacting like this.’
I don’t know what to do. I’m backed against the wall, and he’s standing close to me. My phone is on the table near the front door. There is no way that I can reach it unless I shove him aside. I don’t think I’m strong enough to do that. He reaches up and rests his hand against the base of my neck.
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