Insistent

by Kaylee Ryan

  “Oh, baby.” He chuckles. “I hope so,” he says, pushing one more time to be fully seated inside of me.

  I wait, hoping he’ll start to move, and he does, but it’s not the fast, hectic fucking that I expect from him. No. This is slow and deliberate. He’s not just fucking me. He’s making love to me. I expected hard, fast, and frantic. What he’s giving me is slow, sweet, gentle, and I know without a doubt I’ll never be the same. I had thought I could look back on this night with a fondness of sharing my body with him, a round of hot sweaty sex that we’ve been dancing around of months. This is not what I expected. His soul is speaking to mine, insistent as ever… that no man could ever make me feel as I do in this moment.

  “So good,” he whispers, rocking his hips.

  “Gavin.” His name is a plea on my lips, but I don’t even know what I’m asking for. For more of him? For him to be mine? It’s all things I want, things I know I can have if I would just let myself take the chance. It’s risky, and the stakes are high, but being consumed with him, to feel him inside me like this, it makes me wonder if this risk might just be worth it.

  Gavin rolls his hips, and I grip his back, my nails digging into the skin. “So deep,” he murmurs, kissing my lips, my eyes, my nose, and my cheeks. His lips are gentle and everywhere. “My Cass,” he says before burying his face in my neck.

  My heart skips a beat in my chest. His words have tears welling in my eyes. I bite down on my bottom lip and force them back. I want to be his and for him to be mine. If only things were different. I feel him everywhere. He’s branded my skin. And him inside of me… nothing has ever felt this way, and I’m sure never will again. Not unless it’s with Gavin.

  “Fuck. I can’t get enough of you,” he says, nipping at my ear.

  “I-I’m close.” I tighten my grip on his back. My nails are digging deep, but I can’t seem to help it. I need him close, need to be tethered to him.

  “Let me feel you, Cassidy. Let me feel you let go with my cock inside of you.”

  His words push me over the edge. My legs squeeze him, my nails dig deeper, and all I can do is hold on for the ride as he finally quickens his pace and my orgasm washes over me.

  “Fuck, Cass,” he says as his eyes close and a deep rumble falls from his lips. He jerks inside of me a few more times before he stills and rests his head on my shoulder.

  Realizing that I still have a death grip on him, I let my legs fall to the bed and instead of digging into his back, I stroke him with soft caresses while waiting for his next move. We just crossed over that invisible line and awkwardness is sure to set I in. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to act? Can I pretend I don’t love him? Will I be able to pretend like this night was nothing more than a roll in the sheets? Will I be able to hide behind the pain of knowing I’ll never feel this way again?

  I suck in air, trying to get my breathing under control. I’m wrecked, completely and totally wrecked, and I know without a doubt sex will never be the same for me. Not unless it’s with Cass. Fuck, she’s incredible. Every delectable inch of her is perfect. Her legs fall open and her hands trace up and down my back. I know I need to pull away and say something. I’m also man enough to admit that lifting my head and facing her scares the hell out of me. I know her. She’s already regretting letting us cross that invisible divide. I don’t want to hear her tell me that what we just shared was a mistake. We both know better.

  “You okay?” she asks, her voice quiet.

  Reluctantly, I lift my head and let my softening cock slide out of her. “Yeah. I’ll be right back.” I roll out of bed and rush to the bathroom to get rid of the condom. I’m not even sure I made the trash can, ready to get back to her before she decides to escape to her own room. I slide in beside her and pull the cover up over us. “Come here.” I hold my arms open, asking her to come to me.

  I breathe a little easier when she does. “You’re warm,” she says, snuggling into my side.

  “You cold?”

  “No, but I’m not going to pass up your warmth either,” she admits.

  I hold her in my arms as a hundred words run through my mind. Things I should say, things I want to say, and things I know she doesn’t want to hear. I don’t know where to start, so I just start talking and let my brain decide for me. “Today, being with you, holding you close, just spending the day with you… all of it was incredible. Then tonight, first at the festival and now here….” I shake my head. “I get paid to write songs and perform them, but I can’t seem to find words to explain to you what I’m feeling.”

  “Try,” she whispers.

  Not what I was expecting. I expected her to tell me it was a mistake. That we knew better. “Happy, deliriously happy. Content, sated.” I lean in and kiss her. “And dare I say loved. Getting to touch you like this after all this time, to feel your heat around me, the way we came together.” I pause, collecting my thoughts. “We’re good together, Cassidy. You’re all I see. All I want. I can’t stop thinking about you, and I can only imagine after what we’ve shared today that’s only going to increase tenfold. I give you my word that things won’t change and if for some reason you decide to kick my ass to the curb…” I kiss her again, because, I can’t not. “…if that happens, I’ll fight you on it. I will not give you up without a fight. But at the end of the day, if being with me is no longer what you want, I promise you that your job is safe, that you have a home at Soul Records as long as you want it. I can put it in writing if you want,” I add.

  She’s quiet for the longest time. I don’t say another word, fearful of what her reply is going to be. Instead, I hold her close, running my fingers through her curls, waiting for her to process what I said. What I didn’t say was that I can’t ever see myself not wanting her. Not wanting to feel her hand in mine, or the press of her lips against my skin, or the feel of her heat. I know without a doubt she’s it for me. The one. I know Cass well enough that she’s not ready to hear that just yet. Baby steps.

  Her hand rests on my chest, right over my heart and when she starts to speak, I hold my breath waiting to hear what she’s going to say.

  “Everything has changed, yet nothing has changed,” she says cryptically. I stay quiet, releasing the breath I was holding, waiting for her to gather her thoughts. “Everything has changed, because now I know what it’s like to be with you, to have all of your attention and your affection. To be one with you,” she says shyly. “I know what I’ve been missing.” Her fingers pause from tracing circles on my chest. They rest over my heart. “Flip the coin and nothing has changed. I’m still responsible for my mom’s care. I’m still willing to sacrifice just as she did to ensure she’s well taken care of. I’m at a crossroads, Gavin, and I don’t know what to do.” Although I hate that it’s not what I want to hear, I appreciate her honesty. I need it to guide me in my pursuit to show her we can have it both ways. We can have it all. When she lifts her head from my chest, I see tears welling in her eyes. “I wish—” She swallows hard. “—I wish there was an easy answer. I wish I could have it both ways, but the fear of losing my means to provide for her is too strong. It was just us, Gavin, just me and my mom against the world. She’s all I have, and no way can I jeopardize that. Hell, I probably already have.”

  “Trust me,” I say before kissing the corner of her mouth.

  “It’s not that I don’t trust you, Gavin. It’s that I don’t trust me getting lost in you. It’s not if I do, it’s when I do. If I’m honest with myself, I’m halfway there. I think about you all the time. I often wonder what it would be like to stop fighting this. I just can’t do it.”

  “So, what does that mean?” I ask, even though I know the answer.

  “That means we have a couple of days. We’ve already broken the rules and crossed the professional lines. We have the rest of our time here, and when we get back home, we go back to being Cassidy and Gavin. Boss and employee. Friends, if you’ll still have me.”

  I squeeze her to me, not knowing what to say. I want to sa
y fuck no. No way is just the next two days enough for me, but then I think about the alternative. She goes to her room, and I stay here in mine with the smell of her on my sheets. I want all of her, but I’m a starving man and she’s my salvation. I’ll take her any way that I can get her.

  “I want you, Cass. The thought of this week, two fucking days being all I get with you feels like steel in the pit of my stomach. But the thought of never touching you again, even for those two days, that’s worse. So much worse.” Kissing her temple, I mull it over one more time before giving her my answer. “I’ll take as little or as much of you as you’re willing to give me. Whether that’s here or back at home. You’re calling the shots here, Cass.”

  Her head lifts and those sapphire eyes of hers look hopeful. “Then we have two days.” Her hand cups my cheek. “Let’s make the most of them, Gav.”

  I nod, still unsure of my decision. My only hope is that the next two days will cement what we are when we’re together: nothing short of spectacular. Then maybe she’ll realize two days will never be enough. Here’s to hoping things go my way. If not, well, I just might have to make them. I’m not giving her up without a fight, whether it’s two days or two years. It hits me that I’ve lied to her. However, when it comes to matters of the heart, you can’t really plan. That’s my saving grace. At least I hope it will be when she realizes that I never intended to end things here.

  The morning sun creeps in through the windows of our suite. I’ve been up for a while just thinking. Gavin’s arms are locked around me, so moving is out of the question. Not that I would want to. We didn’t leave the room yesterday, at all. He declared that if he only got to have me for two days, we were going to make the best of it. I imagined he wanted sex all day, but it was the opposite. I mean, yeah, we had sex—great, amazing, toe-curling sex—but it was more than that. We kissed for hours, and we took a bath in the ridiculously huge tub in his room. We watched movies and ordered tons of room service. I can’t remember a day where I had been so content and happy. We fell into bed last night and Gavin made love to me. Slower than any of the times before, kissing every inch of my skin, branding me with his five o’clock shadow. I’ll never be the same, and I’m good with that. What is it they say, it’s better to have loved and lived than to have never loved at all? We’re making memories that I will forever hold near and dear to my heart.

  Just like Gavin, who will always be near and dear to my heart. At this point he owns it, but I can’t tell him that. Not if I want him to keep to our agreement and have things go back to the way they were before this trip. I’m not convinced they will anyway. It’s wishful thinking. Not to mention he gave in way too quickly. I have a feeling I’m going to have a fight on my hands when we get back, but if I’m anything, it’s stubborn. I know what I need to do. It’s the sacrifice I have to make.

  “Morning, beautiful,” Gavin says, kissing my bare shoulder.

  “Morning.”

  “How long have you been awake?”

  “Not long. You wore me out,” I tease.

  He slides his hand over my breast, cupping it gently. “What do you want to do today?” he asks. His voice is husky and I know what he’s thinking.

  “You mean I have a choice? You’re not holding me captive?”

  “I can. Is that what you want?”

  “I want you,” I say, rolling over to face him.

  “You have me, baby. Any way you want me, you have me,” he says, moving my mass of curls out of my eyes.

  “What do you want to do?”

  “I don’t care as long as I get to touch you and kiss you whenever I want.”

  “I kinda just want to stay in.”

  “Nothing else in St. Louis you want to see? More of the festival?”

  “No. I just want this time with you.”

  He leans in and kisses me—soft, slow, sweet, and everything I’ve come to learn is exactly Gavin. “That’s what my girl wants, that’s what she gets.” He smiles.

  My girl. Oh, how I wish I could be. “So, I say we order room service and shower. Maybe we’ll go down to the pool for a while or something, but I would rather just be here with you. Limit the distractions as much as possible.”

  “That all sounds good, babe, but there’s something that we need to do first,” he says, running his hands up my bare thighs.

  “Oh, yeah? What’s that?”

  “I have to have you.” He leans in for a kiss.

  “You just had me.” I look over his shoulder at the alarm clock on the nightstand. “Less than four hours ago.” I chuckle.

  “I know, it’s too damn long.”

  “We need a shower.”

  “Shower sex it is,” he says, rolling out of bed. He stalks butt-naked to my side of the bed, throws the covers back, and scoops me up in his arms. “Great idea.” He smirks.

  “I can walk you know,” I remind him.

  “Yeah, but then your sexy body wouldn’t be nestled against me. Bigger picture, Cass. Look at the bigger picture.” He laughs, setting me down on the cold counter. I yelp at the contact. “Don’t worry, I’ll warm you up.” He kisses me quickly before turning to start the water in the shower.

  I watch him as he tests the water, waiting for it to warm. This week has taught me so much. Things like he forever puts me first, no matter if it’s ordering lunch or in the bedroom. I’ve also learned my initial assumption about him was correct—he’s more than his job, not just a rock star looking to get laid any chance he can get. The Soul Serenade guys are a rare breed when they fall. For me, I’m the lucky one who gets his attention and affection. It breaks my heart that it will be so short-lived. This is our last day together. The last night that I will fall asleep in his arms and wake up the same way. I’m not looking forward to life after St. Louis. There is still that nagging in the back of my mind that I could look for another job, then we could be together. It’s a big step, but Gavin is worth it.

  “Hey.” His hands cup my face. “Where did you go?” he asks, watching me closely.

  “Just thinking,” I tell him honestly.

  “Want to share?”

  “Today is our last day and night together.”

  “Doesn’t have to be.” His eyes bore into mine.

  “Gavin,” I sigh. I knew this was how he would react.

  “I’m just stating the obvious. This doesn’t have to end, Cassidy. None of it. You can be mine in Nashville just like you’re mine here. In fact, I’d prefer it.” His eyes never waver as they convey every word he’s saying.

  “We’re wasting water,” I say, nodding toward the shower.

  “It’s not our water,” he fires back. “Think about it, Cass. That’s all I ask.” He leans in and kisses my forehead.

  “I have, Gavin. I’ve thought about it and the consequences of the fallout.”

  “I promised you I won’t go back on that.”

  “You did,” I agree. “But you forgot one little detail. I don’t think I could handle being with you day in and day out and see you move on. That would break me.”

  “But that’s what you’re asking me to do. To move on, without you. I don’t want to do that.”

  “I get that. I do. However, it would be worse if I had you for weeks, months, years, and then had to watch it. I couldn’t take it.”

  “That’s an easy fix.” He waits for me to ask, knowing I will.

  “How’s that?” I give in easily.

  “You never leave me.”

  “Right,” I scoff. “It wouldn’t be me leaving.”

  “You’re so sure I’m just going to toss you to the curb. What do I have to do to prove to you that you’re mine? I want it that way until the end of fucking time, Cassidy. What do I need to do to prove that to you?”

  “You can’t.” I shake my head, tired of the same conversation, even though I was expecting it. I feel like I’m living in a loop, arguing the same things, reminding him of all the reasons why, and it’s exhausting. “I need to call and check on Mom. Go ahead
and shower first.” I don’t think I can do this anymore. It’s already so difficult. I move to hop off the counter, but his hands on my hips stop me.

  “No. Don’t go. Fuck, Cass. I get one more day, and I don’t want to spend it fighting with you. Please don’t go. I’ll drop it.”

  “It’s just bad timing, Gavin.”

  “Come on.” He lifts me from the counter, and I allow him to guide me into the shower as he follows behind me.

  Stepping under the spray, I tilt my head back, letting the water wash over me. When I raise my head and open my eyes, I see he’s watching me. Without a word, he steps closer, his hands resting on my hips. Something I’ve noticed he loves to do. When his lips descend on mine, our earlier disagreement is forgotten. The fact that this is our last day to be… us is forgotten. His touch washes it all away. His kiss is deep, passionate. I know he’s trying to say everything we just said and more. He wants me to give this a chance, and I just won’t do it. I know it’s won’t and not can’t, and I need to live up to that. I’m being stubborn, but those little black shoes in my closet help keep me that way.

  Cupping my ass, he lifts me, and I wrap my legs around his waist. He steps forward until my back hits the cool tile of the shower wall. He deepens the kiss. We’re all teeth and lips and tongue, and it’s hot as hell. “I need to be inside of you,” he whispers.

  I rock my hips and tighten my legs at the same time, making him moan. “Hurry,” I pant, turning my head, breaking our kiss, letting his lips trail down my neck.

  “Fuck,” he hisses as he thrusts his hips.

  His hard cock is pressed tight against my stomach, which is not where I need it. “Yes, that’s the plan.” I rock against him again.

  “No condom,” he says, his hot breath against my ear.

  “I’m clean. It’s been… a while for me, and I’m protected. Couple of years.”

  He stops, stands to his full height, and stares down at me. “What are you saying, Cass?”

  “I’m saying if you leave this shower without fucking me, I’m going to be pissed.” I smile, going for coy.