by Claire Vale
He pauses, looking out over us. “Her reasons for doing so are senseless. If any of you feel you may have omitted vital information in medical interviews, I urge you to pay a visit to Lt. Palmer and set the record straight. I assure, we take the well-being of every citizen in Ironcross very seriously.”
Those last words sound more like a warning than an assurance.
I glance around again as we file out of the auditorium. “Did Olly say anything after breakfast?” I ask as we congregate outside the door. “I haven’t seen him.”
Gabe shakes his head.
“I spoke to him earlier,” Chris says. “He seemed okay, but holy cow, what happens with him and June now?”
“They’ve already lodged their pairing,” Jessie says.
“That’s only an intention to pair,” I say, and sigh. “Poor Olly. He loves June. Imagine having to pair with someone else?”
Gabe and Chris share a look.
“If he finds anyone,” Harry says. “There aren’t many unpaired girls left and there’s a lot more guys.”
“Yeah, it sucks,” I agree dully, but I’m still watching Gabe and I swear he shakes his head at Chris, one of those nearly indiscernible ‘not now’ shakes. It’s like they know something we don’t.
“Or maybe,” Jessie pipes up excitedly, like she’s had an epiphany, “they’ll withdraw Olly with June so they can Tithe together next year.”
It seems doubtful. But then so is withdrawing someone once the Tithe is already underway. This whole thing is unprecedented. My eyes light on Jessie. “That could be why he’s missing. They’re making the arrangements for him to leave.”
Before I get too comfortable with the idea, I pull Gabe aside to ask, “Do you and Chris know something about Olly that you’re not telling?”
“Olly?” His expression puzzles. “No, why would you—”
“I saw you, you and Chris exchanged a look.”
“Senna, I don’t know… it’s not… I…” He can’t finish a thought, and his gaze trails off me like his words.
It’s so unlike him, afraid to say what’s on his mind. He’s hiding something from me. I know it like I know the color of his blue, blue eyes. “Gabe, what is it?”
He looks at me, his eyes troubled like this morning. “I need to talk to you about something.”
I want to shut that look down again. I want to bury it in the sand. But I realize that’s my way, not Gabe’s. If he needs to talk out all his what if’s, then I need to let him.
Slipping my hand into his, I smile and say, “I’m listening.”
He glances about. “Not here. Let’s go somewhere quiet.”
We’re alone in the foyer. Everyone has drifted off to the rec room or the gym or wherever they can fill the hours to lunchtime. Instead of pointing that out, I smile wider and walk hand in hand with him. Outside, the sunshine is blinding, heating up to another scorching, cloudless day.
Gabe finds us a spot in the shade of a tree across the quad. We sit cross- legged on the grass, facing each other. My back rests against the tree, my hands palm-down on my thighs. We say nothing for a while. I’m content to sit here with nowhere to look but him.
The familiarity of his face is a roadmap of my life. Whatever I have done, he was there to ridicule and argue and co-conspire. Whatever I have gone through, he was there to laugh and cry and scowl. Whenever I have needed, he was there to give.
He swallows hard.
“I love you,” he says, leaning slightly in, placing his hands over mine on my thighs. “I love you so much, I don’t even know how to say it.” His gaze sinks into me, warm and sincere and deeply felt. “Saying I love you, it doesn’t feel like enough. If I wasn’t such a thickhead, I’d invent a whole string of new words just for you.”
“I think you just did,” I say, my throat aching with emotion. I wish I had some new words to say I love you back. “And you are not a thickhead.”
“Mrs. Augustine would disagree.” A smile hints at his mouth. “I still don’t know what a sonnet is.”
I laugh. “And when did a sonnet ever save the world?”
He chuckles with me, then sobers as he leans in closer, closer, until he’s stretched over me, his forehead pressed to mine. “I can’t pair with you, Senna,” he says softly.
So softly, it’s just a ghost of breath brushing my lips.
Obviously, I’ve misheard. “I want to pair with you, too.” I pull back to look at him. “Let’s go and lodge right now.”
He looks into my eyes, and he doesn’t need to say it. I see it there. The shadows aren’t clouds of what ifs after all. They’re this. He says it anyway. “There’s nothing I want more, you have to believe me, but I can’t. I just…can’t.”
Everything inside me stills.
My breath. My heart. My mind.
Blank.
Then I come online, everything racing—breath, pulse, thoughts.
“What have you done?” I slip my palms out from under his, take his hands in mine, search his eyes.
What did you and Chris do?
What Alder law have you broken now?
They’ve gotten themselves into trouble, the kind of trouble that, according to Rose, will pull me down with them. Gabe obviously agrees with her. That’s the only explanation for what he’s—what he thinks—he has to do.
“Whatever it is,” I say, “we’ll fix it.”
“You can’t fix this.”
“Then I’ll take my chances,” I say heatedly. “This is stupid, Gabe. This—This is just not happening. I don’t care how much trouble you’re in.”
“Senna, it isn’t like that.”
“I know…” Movement draws my gaze.
It’s Olly, exiting the facilities building. Whatever his fate, I’ve got my own problems.
My attention returns to Gabe. “It’s probably not half as bad as you think.”
But out the corner of my eye, I see Olly approaching. Fast. Charging, actually, his hands fisted at his sides, his head and neck arched forward, as if his body can’t keep pace with his furious strides.
He’s coming like a bull for a red flag, and he appears to be coming straight for me. I’m not being paranoid. Gabe looks over his shoulder and reaches the same conclusion.
He leaps to his feet to intersect Olly. “Hey, man, everything okay?”
Olly dives around him and keeps coming, brandishing a fist at me. “This is all your fault.”
I strain back, my heart throbbing against my ribcage. His eyes are red-rimmed, but cold and dry. It doesn’t look like he’s been crying. Why is he so mad? And what have I done?
Gabe plucks him by the shirt from behind. “You need to chill.”
There’s a sound of material ripping as Olly jerks free. He stays put though, glaring at me from the short distance.
Gabe moves around him, positioning himself off-center between us, primed to act.
“You should have told me,” grinds from Olly’s clenched jaw. “I had a right to know.”
My throat tightens in sympathy. “Olly, I’m sorry…” I hadn’t given it much thought, but on some unconscious level, I’d assumed she’d told him. “She said she’d take care, speak up if she got into difficulties. I made her promise.”
“She would have listened to me,” Olly states in that hard, thin voice. “She would never have broken a promise to me.”
“That’s enough.” Gabe says, calmly but firmly. “Don’t blame Senna for June’s choices.”
Olly’s glare flashes to him. “Senna had a choice, too. She should have told me.”
“It wasn’t her secret to tell.”
“Yes, it wasn’t!” Olly looks at me again. “Yet you told the whole damn world.”
“I was scared. I just wanted her to get whatever medical help she needed,” I try to explain, my voice small.
My brain feels like a pin cushion with Gabe’s shock and now Olly’s accusation. I don’t even know if I’m angry or crushed with guilt. “Is this why you’re so angry? Shou
ld I have shut my mouth, Olly? Should I have just stood by and watched her suffer, maybe even die?”
“She wasn’t going to die, was she?” he says nastily. “There aren’t even any complications to—”
“Senna wasn’t to know that,” Gabe cuts him off. “The doctors aren’t even sure. They’re still keeping June for observation.”
“That’s what they say. That’s what they want us to think.” Olly’s shoulders sag. The fight’s gone out of him, but not the bitterness. His eyes remain cold, looking from Gabe to me. “June is being punished. She made the Alders look bad. Hard labor was supposed to be a warning to us, not a death sentence. They could easily let her return before Tithe day, but they’ve withdrawn her.”
“I’m sorry,” I say again, helpless. “Did the Alders talk to you yet? Maybe they’ll withdraw you as well, so you can join June next year.”
“Why would you think they’d do that?” he spits out. “I asked. I begged. You don’t get it, do you? I’m being punished, too.” He scrubs a fisted hand over his head. “We’re just pawns to them, pawns they can eliminate and move around as they damn well choose. Even if I wanted to pair again, who the hell would take me? I’m associated with June. I’m a damn leper. I’ve got a red target on my back!”
“You don’t know that,” I say…desperately, because I think he may be right. “You were just as clueless about June’s asthma as everybody else. None of us know how the Alders think or what criteria they use to Tithe.”
“But they know how we think.” Olly shakes his head at me, his mouth a sneer of disgust. “They know we’ll all be wary of anyone caught up in June’s scandal, and they left me in here knowing I don’t stand a chance of pairing.”
He takes a step back from me. “They’re punishing me by association, and I blame you. When I’m Tithed, I’ll be looking at you, and that’s what I’ll be thinking. This is your fault. I hope to God you’re Tithed with me.”
The venom in Olly’s voice is a spear that slices into me, sticks in my gut as he spins away and storms off.
Gabe immediately comes forward, drops cross-legged in front of me. “Ignore Olly,” he says. “He’s hurting and just needs someone to take it out on.”
I look into Gabe’s eyes, wish I could get lost in there, never have to find my way out into the cruel light of day ever again.
“Is it my fault, though?” I’ve told Gabe about how June confided in me, but it’s been difficult to talk about my tormented feelings when I can barely define them to myself. “What Olly said…I’ve asked myself that same thing a hundred times. What if I hadn’t betrayed June’s trust? Would she have been perfectly fine? Did I panic and cause this huge mess?”
“No, you did not. You did what any good friend—what any caring person—would do. Don’t let Olly get inside your head. You are the most loyal, kind-hearted, loving person I know, Senna.”
“You wouldn’t say that if you knew what I’m thinking right now,” I say hoarsely. “I wish June had never confided in me. I wish I could have stood by and watched with everyone else without having to get involved and make decisions I now have to live with. That makes me a horrible person, doesn’t it?”
“You could still have stood by and watched, Senna, but you didn’t. You didn’t have to get involved or make the hard call, but you did.”
He looks at me a long minute, long enough for his smile to warm his expression. “It was selfish of June to tell you about her asthma and then swear you to secrecy, but you carried that all by yourself and didn’t pass it along, not even to me. Which I hate, but also love. You’re not a horrible person, far from it. You’re the opposite of horrible.”
Looking into Gabe’s eyes, I inhale a deep breath, inhale his faith in me. The venom Olly spread inside me gradually begins to fade. In its place, our interrupted conversation creeps back in.
“Gabe, tell me what’s going on with us. Why are you worried about our pairing?”
“It’s not like that,” he sighs. “I’m not worried.”
“What did Chris rope you into?”
“Nothing.”
“Okay, then what did you do?” I press. “You can tell me anything, you know that.”
His eyelids sink, as if under some gigantic weight. “I didn’t do anything, Senna.”
Which leaves…me?
One of Olly’s barbs jump out at me…we’ll all be wary of anyone caught up in June’s scandal.
My chest cramps. “Is this about June?”
“Partly,” Gabe admits.
“You think Olly’s right. You think I’ll be Tithed with him,” I gasp.
The cramp in my chest turns into a stitch, a pain that chokes my lungs. The panic comes from all sides. I’m in the Alders’ line of fire. Gabe’s first instinct is to run.
“I’ve got a target on my back. I’m just like Olly.” I can’t breathe. I slap a palm over my heart, trying to ease the sudden attack. “You’re breaking up with me because—”
“—No!” Gabe grabs both my hands, holds on tight. “Stop that, Senna!” His voice calms. “Breathe. Slow, deep breaths.”
I can’t. The air’s not reaching my lungs.
“I said this is partly about June, not about you, I swear. You don’t have a target on your back, I don’t believe that for a second. That’s not why… I love you, I love you. Even if I thought that was true, I would never do that, leave you to face something like that on your own.”
His softly spoken words finally sink in and some air reaches my lungs on the next breath. Then some more. “You’re not breaking up with me?”
His eyes close, his expression as pained as the attack on my heart and lungs. “Don’t hate me, please.” His eyes open onto me, into me. “Don’t ever hate me.”
“I couldn’t, Gabe, not ever.” But I don’t understand. He loves me, but he is breaking up with me. It’s in his eyes. I hear it in his stricken plea. “You’re serious, you don’t want to pair with me anymore?”
“I want to, with all my heart.”
“You’re not making any sense. If it’s not me, than what is it?”
“Daniel. June. Olly.” The names roll off his tongue like a gust of wind. “Everything that’s happened in the last few days. Daniel is right. The whole thing is so fucked up.”
He takes his hands back from mine, shoves a hand through his hair. “I don’t know why Daniel really confessed to climbing the wall, but he’d never have done that in his right mind. And June, she was so scared of being Tithed, she acted totally crazy…look at the mess she’s made.”
“But, Gabe…”
He leans in, puts a finger to my lips. “Let me finish, okay?”
I nod.
His hand falls onto his knee. “I do think Olly got one thing right. At this rate, the Alders won’t have many difficult decisions to make. They just push a few buttons and sit back while we sabotage ourselves. It’s ugly. It’s dangerous. You know…I couldn’t understand why my dad refused to give me any tips, any hints, any advice on how to come through the Tithe, to give me just that edge of advantage that I was sure other dads were giving their sons. Now I do.”
He pauses for breath.
I process what he’s saying, can’t find any flaws in his logic.
“It doesn’t matter how strong or weak you are,” Gabe goes on. “It doesn’t matter if you’re good or mean or indifferent. It doesn’t matter if you know what’s coming or not. Look at Olly, he didn’t put a damn foot wrong, but he’s single and hurting and no girl here will risk pairing with him.”
“I really do feel sorry for him,” I say slowly.
Gabe’s eyes rest on me, his forehead furrowed like a man twice his age with twice his worries. “I can’t let Maddie and Josie go through this.”
Huh? I give my head a rattling shake. “You can’t stop it, Gabe, everyone goes through the Tithe.”
“But it’s worse,” he says, “a lot worse, if you come in here with baggage. June wasn’t even really disadvantaged, or maybe she was, that�
��s the mind games in this place, but still, look at what it did to her.”
“Maddie and Josie don’t have any health conditions,” I point out, fairly confident.
“They’re twins,” Gabe says. “We’re three children in our family. One of us will be Tithed, that’s practically guaranteed. If not me, it will be one of them. They’ll know that. Everyone in their Tithe year will know that.”
The blood drains from my face. I hear him. I know what he’s saying. If this is what’s been on his mind these past days, no wonder he has death’s dark shadows in his eyes. “There’s a higher than normal chance, sure, just like there is for you right now,” I say. “But there are no guarantees, Gabe. There are families with two children or more where none of the siblings were Tithed. It’s all about the numbers in that particular year.”
“A strong possibility, that’s all it takes,” Gabe stands firm. “They’ll be in here together. You know how many times I’ve heard comments from people, innocent stupid comments like ‘two for the price of one,’ and ‘nice to have a spare.’ What happens when their fellow Tithees start thinking that way, start wondering if the Alders will choose one because the family has a spare?”
“That’s ridiculous.”
“Crazy,” he agrees. “That’s exactly what I’m saying. This place manufactures crazy and Josie and Maddie will suffer. They’ll be judged and shunned and it might not just be one of them, Senna. If no one will pair with them, we’ll lose them both in one go.”
A terrible, devastating sadness washes through me. I can’t put a finger on the cause. My mind won’t go there. But as much as I love them, I know it’s more, much more than the fate Gabe predicts for the twins.
“That’s why I’m not going to pair with anyone,” Gabe tells me in his gentlest, warmest voice.
“You’re not…? You…? I don’t understand.” I’m frowning so hard, my brow throbs. “How do you not…” I can’t do this, I can’t follow his statement through to a sensible question, let alone any conclusion.