“Understood.”
“All the films you see, all the NSA shit, the listening into calls, watching emails, repositioning satellites to track people, it’s all absolutely true, you’re never truly off radar. Every government has a team of special programs designated to do different shit for the good of the flag. I entered into one of those programs and did some truly unspeakable things and those are the things that keep me up at night.”
Even though it was impossible, I clung to him that much harder, afraid that he’d change his mind and walk away from me because all of this was just too hard. It had to be so, so hard.
“My fuck-up on that exercise in Afghan gave them something they wanted, instability and unpredictable rage. A goddamn, fucking killing machine. These people actively looked for that one percent of us that can turn good or bad in the blink of an eye. We’re that ninety-nine percent soldier, one percent maniac. And they nurture that one percent until it’s integral, a more natural fiber than anything, part of your DNA, and they exploit you until fuses with soldier and you become a machine. I’ve slaughtered people in cold blood under the illusion that they were a threat to society, when in reality, they were nothing more than a thorn in the government’s side, some sticking point in a plan they had. I asked no questions, I was young and naïve, I thought it was justified because I followed orders, and orders are good, right? Never to be questioned? Wrong. Those people I killed weren’t soldiers in a war trying to kill me, they were just people.”
“But you were following orders?”
“That doesn’t justify it, I know right from wrong and I was used, and what’s worse…” he sighed and rubbed a hand over his head, “for a long time, I was happy to do it.”
As I randomly, dragged my fingertips along his body, I felt the shoulder scar. “Was this army or… the other thing?”
“Other thing.”
“What happened?”
Beckett groaned. “Baby, you already know too much.”
“Then let me take it from you.”
He stayed silent for a few seconds before he conceded. “The short version, and that’s all you’ll get, is that I fumbled on a job. My target was prepared, and he got a round off before I finished him.”
“You or him, baby.” My words were confident because I truly believed that. “These have something to do with it all too, don’t they?” I rubbed my fingers along the crosses tattooed on his skin.
“One for every unjustified job I did for them. A reminder that I carry their souls with me and will until the big man upstairs forgives me.”
“The only person who needs to forgive you, is you.”
Beckett went quiet again and stayed that way for a long while as my eyes fluttered closed with the peace of being this close to him. I knew he was thinking through my words as he all of a sudden leaned out of the bed and switched the functional desk lamp on that was on his bedside unit. It scared the crap out of me.
“Why haven’t you tried to leave?”
He watched me as I blinked to get used to the bright light, but I realized it was more than that, he wanted to see if the words I would use were true. “Because the person you describe isn’t someone I know. I’m with Beckett Hope, the guy who takes in his sister’s kids, pisses me off repeatedly, loves hard, and needs to be loved harder.”
I felt the swallow he forced his throat to perform deep inside me. This meant a lot to him. “And do you?” His voice turned quiet, shy, unsure. “Love me hard.”
“Since I was a kid and we shared a Snickers in your parents’ basement. Since I was a teenager and you kissed me against the tree in my yard. Since I was a grown woman and I saw you stand up for your nephew and niece with that bitch of a teacher.”
For the first time since we’d come to the room, I saw him smile.
“Beckett, I don’t have to leave because of the things you’ve done, you’re beating yourself up enough for that. Even if I felt inclined to, what purpose would it serve? I can’t comprehend what you’ve done and honestly, I don’t need to, but thank you for telling me, I know it was hard.”
“That’s it?”
His brow was furrowed and mine followed suit. “I don’t know, is it?”
He didn’t answer, instead he kissed me. Kissed me like there was nowhere else on earth he’d rather be.
Within seconds, I was panting. His body was draped over mine and we connected everywhere possible, with just that final moment of connection outstanding.
“Get on all fours, baby.”
I scrambled up onto them, my need and desperation to feel him inside me had him grinning. I mewled as he dragged his fingers down my spine before a palm swept across my ass cheeks. “I love this ass, babe. Have done ever since I saw you in those pointless booty shorts you go to bed in.”
Unprepared, my whole body wobbled as he sunk his fingers inside me from behind and I hissed with the satisfaction of what it did to me. I pushed back onto them, deeper, as he finger-fucked me to an orgasm.
“Let me hear you, baby, no need to be quiet here. It’s just you and me.”
That was like a gift from the gods themselves. I was free to love and be loved unashamedly, with no restrictions. “Fuck me then, Becket,” I begged.
His cock nudged in from behind and I felt him anchor me to him, his hands caressing my hips. When he was fully seated, he stilled before shocking the shit out of me and slapping my ass cheeks. Just as I registered the sting of it, he pulled out and thrust back in, my insides quivering around him, so much that he felt it. “You like that, huh?”
My answering plea confirmed it for him as he began a punishing fuck and ass slap rhythm. “Gonna take this ass one day, baby.”
No one had been there before, and I’d let Beckett Hope pretty much do anything to me. My need for our connection had never felt stronger. I didn’t hold back, I’d found my voice, spurring him on, desperate for Beckett to know that what he’d told me made no difference. That was a different time, a different place, a different person, and this was now. We were here now and that was behind us. We were in clean slate territory and our life could really begin.
“Come. Fucking come!” he bellowed, and I gave in, letting him have every ounce of my need for him. With a few more pumps, Beckett fell over the edge too, and we fell to the bed exhausted, spent, and satisfied.
“Been desperate to watch my dick sink inside you from behind.”
“Been desperate to feel it.” When we settled back into bed, I felt his nervousness return, “What is it?”
“The nightmares, you keep them away,” he admitted.
“I do?”
“Yeah. You suck up the space in my head and there’s no room for them.”
“Guess you gotta keep me around then.” I smiled.
“Guess I do.” But the smile and joy I felt at those words wasn’t inflected. “Thing is, I don’t think they’re done with me yet. I need you to be ready, whatever happens now. Just know that I’m working to end it once and for all. I love you enough to want that done, so we’ve got a clear run at a future together, with the kids.”
“What does that mean? Are you safe?”
“I will be. We will be, but I need you to trust me.”
Trust him?
I’d always trusted him, but it was everyone else involved that I didn’t trust.
The real shadows from his past that threatened this life we were chasing.
Shadow
“I want to hear you say it.”
“Say what?”
Flick had woken up this morning to find my fingers inside her, my thumb strumming her clit, and my mouth sucking and nibbling on her tits.
I wasn’t going to fuck her or love on her the way she needed until I heard those three little words. Flick purred, her eyelids fluttering. “Uh, I trust you?”
“Close. Great to hear, but no.” My thumb pressed deeper, reminding her what was at stake. “You want this?”
“I do, baby.”
“But you want somethi
ng more, right? I can almost feel you gearing up to beg me for it. Just three little words.”
The uncertainty in her eyes, in handing me this power, the biggest of all, the sheer vulnerability terrifying for both of us, made me certain. Our eyes were perfect mirror images of need and doubt, want and desire, love and respect. “I… love you, Beckett Hope.”
My fingers were gone in a flash, replaced by my cock which already dribbled at the thought of what it was about to do. “More than three words there, baby, but I’ll take ‘em.”
I held her eyes as we fucked, made love, and fucked some more while hoping and praying it wouldn’t be the last chance I got to do it. If it was, I could think of worse memories to take to my grave. Remembering how she felt, how we connected so perfectly would be a fine place to go to if I was on the verge of death.
“In case you’re wondering, I still see you.”
“What?”
“Beckett Hope, even with all you told me, the man I’m here with right now, the one I said these words too. I see you, Beckett Hope. Shadow’s just a persona you took on to survive what must have been tough and unthinkable circumstances.”
Why did she get me so much? She’d not been a part of my life for so long, yet she saw me. It warmed me to my core.
“Was that why you never came home?”
“That and the folks. I could have easily killed my old man before I went into the army, then when they gave me the skills to kill and cover it up…” I shuddered at the thought of what could have been so easy. “I won’t lie you to, Flick, it was tempting.”
Flick gave no response to my honesty.
“I let Tracey down,” I admitted. “If anyone could have seen through my fucked-up world, it would’ve been her, and I couldn’t afford for her to see what I had become and try to save me. I danced with the devil and flirted with danger and that crazy girl would have waded in to save me. I would have gotten her killed too.”
I saw Flick smile and nod as her beautiful eyes filled with emotion. “I miss her.”
“I know, I do too, but we got the very best of her. Fucked up as it is, I have to look at that like a silver lining.”
We lay there for a few minutes in complete silence until the shrill of my cell cut in. I saw the unknown number appear in the display and felt a chill. I answered, “Yeah?”
Nothing.
An immediate dead click. My brain departed from the peace of being here with Flick, satisfied and naked.
Before I could place it back on the bedside table, the same thing happened again. I answered, saying nothing this time and got the same thing, an instant disconnection.
Fuck. This was it.
This was the contact. It was exactly how it should be, how it had always been.
With my breath held, I kept hold of the cell unsurprised when it vibrated in my palm and rang again. When I answered this time, the person on the other end pressed a button twice, in quick succession, then ended the call.
I knew exactly who it was, my handler from the black ops project, which begged the irritating question of why they’d fucked around contacting my house phone and didn’t follow protocol before.
Pushing all that aside, I dreaded what came next, what came now, immediately. This was the hard part.
“Flick, baby, I gotta go.”
“Go? Where?”
I sat up, making sure she was looking at me, really paying attention. “You need to trust me.”
I waited until it sunk in, really permeated her brain and knew when it had because her eyes began to water. “But—”
“If they come looking for me, then they’ll find you and the kids, and that puts you on their radar. You’ve. Got. To. Trust. Me. I have to finish this before they come and look again.”
“No. Wait.”
I got up from the bed and started pulling my clothes on. “I’ll send Wave to come get you. Remember what I said, you only talk here. Only talk to Wave and Wolf, they knew this was coming.”
Flick gasped.
“I need you to pay attention. This is last resort only. There’s a fake wall socket in the kitchen. Anything happens to me, take the key from there and go find what’s at the other end. Make sure you have the club at your back when you do it.”
“What do I tell the kids?”
“Make something up, tell them an old army buddy has been in touch, he’s sick, dead, dying, don’t fucking matter, babe, and tell them I’ll be back as soon as I can.”
The last thing I reached for was my cut, and it felt heavy in my hand when I shrugged it on. I leaned down to kiss her and I could see she was worried, fuck, terrified, but trying to be so brave.
“Will you?” she whispered.
“Will I what?”
“Be back… soon?”
Schooling my face to make her believe me, I made my voice as gentle and believable as possible. “Absolutely. This time I’ll get out for good and then we’ll be home and clear for the rest of our days.”
“How long with that take?” Her voice finally wobbled with the panic she’d been trying to hide.
“As long as it takes, be as quick as I can, but not gonna lie, it could be awhile. Stay strong, yeah?”
I took her lips and devoured them, desperate for more contact than my limited time would allow. Changing my mind on the last vision I would remember on my death bed. This would be it, this one, her all flushed from sex, lying in my mussed-up bed sheets, smelling of me and the night of intimacy we’d shared.
She reached a hand out in panic as I pulled away from her. “Stay safe,” her voice thick and warbled with the tears that I knew would follow the minute I walked out of this room.
“Will do.”
“Come home.”
“Planning on it.”
“Love you, Beckett Hope.” Her voice finally broke.
“Love you more, Felicity Peters.”
Normally when I was called into action for a job, I felt the rush of adrenaline, but for the first time I wasn’t sure whether it was fear or excitement. This time, I had something to lose, someone.
A family and a woman I loved.
I usually let destiny take shape on a mission, if I was meant to survive I would. But this time I would ensure it, I’d pray every night to a god I’d never had faith in before that I would come back to her, alive and in one piece.
It took me a day to get to the designated meet point, even though I could have made it in two hours tops. I went via the storage unit I had under an alias and tooled up. If Flick ever needed to go to that fake ass wall socket, she’d find a key to this place. I couldn’t leave the instructions in the same place, so Wolf had the other half of the instructions, he just didn’t know it outright. No one in my old world would believe I had a fake wall socket. It was like one of those fake tin cans you put in the kitchen cupboards, no one with my training would have done something so blasé, so basic and simple, which is why they’d never look there if they searched my house. They’d believe I’d go for something more elaborate, a big plan, like a treasure hunt. The shoebox under my bed had a set of keys and a couple of electronic room keys that led to absolutely nothing, but they’d spin their heels trying to work it out. I knew their expectations would ensure my survival.
The storage unit held my redemption of sorts, insurance policies. The evidence of it all, down to every last fucking scrap, bullet, and slit throat I could remember. I documented it all. There was no way the government would get away with this shit if they decided to put me in a shallow grave in the fucking desert. There was every chance that the game had changed, and it wasn’t the same game I’d entered this time; I knew those motherfuckers would double cross me.
The long ass circuitous route I took across half the state, to come right back where I started, was necessary. I needed to check and recheck that there were no signs of a tail, before I got in too deep. If I was being lured here by someone or some untoward group, then I wanted every opportunity to spot them. Turn the hunter into the hunted.
<
br /> It was just before dusk when I stepped out of the tree line at the place where I needed to be and facing me was a suit I didn’t recognize. “Who the fuck are you?”
“Hope?”
I casually reached behind me and pulled out one of my concealed weapons, it was a piece that slotted nicely into my waistband. This unprepared dick jumped a mile when I cocked it ready for action, and threw his hands up, like he was a kid play-acting.
Where the fuck were they recruiting them these days? Kindergarten?
“Steady. Steady now.”
“Answer the fucking question, before you’re not able to.”
“Locke. I’m Locke.”
“Keep going,” I urged.
“We have a job for you.”
I stepped closer, and was surprised when he stayed put, I expected him to retreat, the stench of fear rolling off him was that strong. “I’m out. Been out for a fuckin’ while.”
He said nothing in return, and I couldn’t tell whether he actually knew that or not.
“Is my file decommissioned or not?”
“You’ve been reactivated.” That made my blood boil. I’d served my penance. They’d had their pound of fucking flesh and now they’d come back for more.
“Where’s Gray?”
“Not important,” he threw back.
Understanding where my old handler was, was very fucking important. What this cunt had done was so far off script, it peaked every ounce of suspicion inside me. “You read my file?”
The newbie nodded.
“Then you know I could kill you now before you had a chance to blink, dismember your body, and have the parts buried in three different states before sundown tomorrow. I suggest you talk, if only to convince me of why I shouldn’t do that.”
He flinched and his skin tone paled. “Gray is dead. Heart attack, six months ago. I picked up his operatives, I’m your new handler.”
“Don’t need a new fucking handler, because I’m out.”
“It… would… uh…” he started to lower his hands in line with his stutter. “Could you at least put the gun away, while we talk?”
Flick (The Black Sentinels MC Book 4) Page 16