I shut my mouth tight, regretting my words. Jay looks like he wants to punch the shit out of me, but his hurt comes through loud and clear.
“That’s what you think I did? Controlled her?”
It’s time to bring the tough love, I tell myself. “In a way, yes, you did. You were so afraid of not being the one she chose that you pushed me and Ry out and basically erected a barbed-wire fence around her that said ‘Keep Away.’ She was my best friend too, Jay, and I hardly got to spend time with her because you always planted yourself in the middle. She couldn’t go anywhere without you tied to her side.”
“She’s my girlfriend. I love her. Of course I would want to spend all my time with her.”
“Liz was your girlfriend. And you just proved my point.”
“Are you trying to be hurtful here, Jules? Have I ever complained about how much time you spend with Elijah?”
“Elijah has nothing to do with this. We’re talking about you and Liz.”
Jay throws his half-eaten sandwich back into the cooler. “Elijah does have something to do with this. Don’t tell me you haven’t noticed the hurt look he gets when you blow him off. Jesus, Jules, he gave up Stanford for you.”
The guilt I feel when he says that, coupled with the added guilt of that kiss with Liz several weeks ago, has my words flying out carelessly, taking aim at my brother.
“I never asked him to do that. Don’t you dare place that on me. You practically spit nails at me and Ry because Liz wants to be around us more than she wants to be around you. You scare the shit out of her. You ever wonder why she has memories of Ry and not you? Something to think about,” I finish, standing up.
I expect Jay to fight back, hurl curse words at me, but he doesn’t.
I take several steps away from him, then stop and turn around. “Shit. Shit, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”
Jay’s face is red and blotchy as he bores his steely eyes into me. “One day, she’s going to remember.”
It’s his turn to stand up and walk away. He shoulder bumps me hard when he passes and then runs over to catch the frisbee Ryder just flung to Liz. He joins her side and tosses it to Elijah.
Well, hell. That could have gone better.
“Babe! Join us!” Elijah shouts over at me, waving his hand. Liz breaks from the group and runs over to me.
“Hey you. What are you doing all by yourself over here?”
“Thinking.”
Her smiling face turns serious when she notices the seriousness in mine. “Are you okay, Julien?”
“Yeah. Possibly. I think so.”
“Well, that’s a lot of vague nothing. Hold on,” she says and jogs over to Ry, whispering something in his ear. He nods and tosses the frisbee to Jay who almost misses it because he’s scowling at me.
Liz returns to me and grabs my hand. “Come with me,” she says, and I follow like she is the shepherd and I am one of her sheep. She leads me in the opposite direction of where the guys are.
“Okay, we’re far enough away now. Talk,” she says, her long flaxen braid blowing sideways in the wind.
“Just stuff with Jay. He said some things, I said some things back. We’ll get over it.”
“Can I help?”
This girl is fucking sunshine. I’ll never understand how someone’s heart can be so big and so full of love, but hers is.
“Jay can be difficult. Today is just one of his days to be difficult with me.”
Liz nods her head in agreement and I laugh.
“What?” she asks, but her grin gives her away.
“He hasn’t made things easy for you, has he?”
“He’s actually been doing much better lately.”
We continue ambling along, our matching footprints leaving a trail in the sand behind us. Every once in a while, Liz stops to bend over and pick up a shell.
“Liz, if I asked you a question, can you promise me not to freak out?”
She pockets the broken half of a sand dollar. “I think I can do that,” she replies honestly. I grip her hand tighter in mine.
“What if I told you that I wanted more?”
Liz slows down and turns to look at me. “I’m going to stop you right there, Julien.”
“Why?”
“Elijah and Ryder.”
I figured she would mention Elijah, but Ryder? “What about them?”
“You’re with Elijah.” She pauses to pull her braid off her shoulder but also to slow her words. “And I’m with Ryder.”
It takes me a moment to filter and process what she said. The first thing I think is, fucking hell, not again. Is this going to be the second time she’s taken away from me by my brother? Because for all intents and purposes, Ry is my brother just as much as Jay is.
“You and Ryder?”
“Yes,” she answers, her face tight with worry.
“When?”
“Recently.”
I mull that over.
Liz tugs on my hand. “Julien, I need you to keep this a secret. Including from Elijah and Jayson.”
“But you kissed me.”
“Yes, I did. I don’t regret it for a second.”
“Have you kissed him?”
Her face turns beet red and I have my answer. “I trust you, Julien.”
Well, shit. I could never deny her anything. But this time, I’m going to ask for something in return.
“What if I told you I wanted a chance, Liz? You said you felt something for me, a pull. I want the same chance you’re giving Ry.”
“I don’t know if I can do that, Julien.”
“All I’m asking is for us to keep things open between us. How do you know what you really want if you’re never given the opportunity to make a choice? We continue spending time with each other and see what happens. We test the pull.”
“I did make a choice, Julien. I love Ryder,” she calmly but bluntly says.
My heart cracks, tiny fissures open and the hope inside leaks out.
“You used to tell me you loved me too.”
Liz removes her hand from my grip and places it on my chest above my heart. “Julien. I am in love with Ryder. And you love Elijah.”
The cracks in my heart open wider. “I do love Elijah. I love him very much. But I love you, too, Liz.”
“I know you do. You’ve all told me the stories. But right now, in this time and this space, my heart belongs to Ryder, and your heart belongs to Elijah.”
I feel like she’s slipping away from me again. “No. I can’t lose you again. I need you, Liz,” I plead.
“You’ve got me, Julien. I’m not going anywhere.”
I grab her in my arms and hold her, part of me not trusting that truth. She rests her cheek against the flat of my swim shirt.
“I promise I’m not going anywhere. I’m right here with you, Julien.”
Maybe she senses my guilt. The well of pain I have buried deep inside caused by the fact I didn’t — couldn’t — save her. Not being there that night when she needed me the most. Deep down, I know that guilt is the driving force behind my actions.
One tear sneaks through my defenses. Then two and three.
“I should have protected you. I should have been there for you. Please let me be there for you now. Please forgive me, Liz. I need you to forgive me.”
The final walls surrounding my guilt come tumbling down as Liz holds me tighter through the painful sobs that wrack my body.
Elizabeth
Holy shit. I can’t comprehend the pain Julien must be in. He believes it’s his fault that I was attacked. He blames himself for what happened to me. My heart hurts with each shudder of his body. My soul cries out with every tear that releases from his beautiful silver eyes. I never considered that any of them felt this way. The misplaced guilt they all feel. Because of me. And it breaks my heart.
Julien crushes me firmly, head to toe, to his body. It’s like he would break apart and fly away in the ocean breeze if he didn’t have every part of himself
plastered to me. I am the anchor to his storm.
I circle my hands around to his back so I can massage the tension I feel seizing his muscles. As I stroke and pet, I whisper in his ear. Words to help soothe him. Words to help calm him. Words to help him find a way to forgive himself for something that was never his burden to bear.
“Julien. It wasn’t your fault. There is nothing for me to forgive you for. Place the blame on the person who deserves it. That person is not you. Regardless of my amnesia, you have shown me every day for the past month how much I mean to you. How much I mean to all of you. I think it’s that love, the love we shared with each other is what really saved me. How could I fight so hard to come back, to want to live, if it wasn’t for me to come back to you, Ryder, and Jayson? This is where I belong. The three of you are who I belong with. I’ll be damned if I allow that monster to have any more pieces of me. Those pieces belong to you, and to Ryder, Jayson, and Elijah.”
“I love you, Liz,” Julien rasps out.
“I know you do. I know. But it’s not the same kind of love as what you have with Elijah. Don’t throw that away because you feel responsible for something that was never your fault. You need him, Julien. And he needs you.”
Julien nods his head slowly against my cheek.
“You promise you won’t disappear again?” he asks me in a shattered voice.
“Wild horses couldn’t drag me away.”
He snorts. “Why do people say such stupid things like that?”
“My guess is someone at some time was actually dragged away by wild horses. I bet that was a sight to see when it happened.” This time he chuckles, and the tension finally seeps out of his body. I take his face and wipe the wetness from his cheeks.
“Better,” I smile at him. “Such a gorgeous face.”
He smiles back. “Thank you, Liz.”
“You’re welcome. I think you needed to get that stuff off your chest as much as I needed to hear it. Thank you for trusting me enough to let me in. I’m sorry that you have had to live with that for the past year. Promise me that if you ever start to feel that guilt again, come talk to me first. Don’t allow it to fester and rot inside of you.”
He nods his head again. “So. You and Ryder, huh?”
“Yes. Me and Ryder.”
“Lucky bastard.”
“Honestly? I think I’m the lucky one.”
“Do you think he would mind if I kissed you one last time?”
“I don’t think he would. He would understand the reason behind it. I think Elijah would too.”
“Would you mind if I kissed you one last time?”
I look back down the beach. Ryder, Elijah, and Jayson are just specks on the horizon. We must have walked over half a mile down the shoreline. Julien turns my face back toward his and tips mine up. He’s a good six inches taller than I am. He bends down, and his lips meet mine in a soft barely-there airbrush of the lips. It’s simple yet beautiful. We clasp hands once again and make our way back to the group.
“Jay isn’t going to be happy about you and Ryder.”
“I had a feeling he wouldn’t, but it’s not his choice. Are you okay with me being with Ryder?”
“Don’t get me wrong, I love my brother. But Ry is one of the best men I have ever known. The sacrifices he made to allow you to find your happiness with Jayson — his capacity for loving you is boundless, Liz. There is no other person I would be happier that you are with than him.”
“Wow. That was really eloquently put.”
“I have my moments.”
I splash his feet with the fringes of a dissipating wave that rolls ashore at our feet. Julien splashes me back, making me giggle.
“I really do love him, Julien.”
“Then that’s all that matters. I won’t tell E or Jay until you give me the go-ahead. You kept my secret about Elijah, so I can keep yours.”
“I appreciate that.”
“Ry was with you last night, wasn’t he?”
My eyes widen. “Are we being that obvious?”
Julien chuckles. “Not at all. You guys have played some good poker faces all day. I kind of figured out something was up when Jay said Ry spent the night at Fallon’s. He hates that place.”
“What is it with this Fallon guy? I’ve heard stuff from passing conversations on campus. I know he and Ryder hang out. What’s the big deal about him?”
“Where do I begin? Actually, ask Ry about him since he knows him best. All I can say is that I think Fallon had a thing for you, but you never gave him the time of day. I could be wrong, though.”
We’re almost back to where we laid down our towels. I look for Ryder but it’s hard to make out shapes as the sun has almost set, the sky growing ever darker with each passing minute. Jayson and Elijah are sitting down on the sand near the cooler. Where’s my man? Julien notices me looking and points to the ocean. Ryder is laying on his back, floating and bobbing with the ocean swells.
“Go on,” Julien tells me. I give him a quick kiss to his stubbled cheek and run off to join Ryder.
As soon as Jayson sees me enter the breakers, he runs over and dives into an oncoming wave. I watch his graceful movements as he slices easily through the water. He must have been one hell of a swimmer at school. Within seconds, he’s popping up beside me as I reach Ryder who’s now upright watching me approach, a knowing smirk plastered across his gorgeous face. I cock my eyebrow up at him and he winks at me. I look beyond Jayson’s shoulder to watch Julien take Elijah’s outstretched hand. Julien kisses Elijah and lays his head on his shoulder.
“They are so damn cute,” I say to no one. Jayson turns to look at his brother.
“E wants to ask Jules to marry him. He asked me to help him pick out an engagement ring.”
I shriek out a high-pitched girlie squeal of excitement at the same time Ryder says, “About damn time.”
Jayson grabs my waist which makes me squeal again as he lifts me and throws me up in the air. I land ungracefully with a resounding plop in the water. When I come back up to the surface, Jayson and Ryder are in a game of water wrestling, so naturally I leap in and spider monkey myself to Ryder’s back. Jayson dives for me and I fall backward into the salty water again. When I come up a second time laughing and threatening Jayson with retaliation, Julien and Elijah have joined our play. We spend the next fifteen minutes dunking and splashing each other until the sun finally goes down and night falls over the beach.
After we dry off and pack everything back into Jayson’s truck, we head back to campus. In the back seat of the truck, I rest against Ryder’s shoulder and close my eyes, letting the bumps and the noise of the road lull me. This is how it should be, I think. I fall asleep next to the man I’m in love with, riding with the boys who are my family. I’m home.
Chapter 20
Elizabeth
“Babe,” a voice says as warm lips nuzzle my ear.
Nope. Not happening. I’m too warm and comfortable.
“Baby,” the voice, more insistent now but muffled because the owner of said voice is trailing a path of open-mouthed kisses down my collarbone to my breasts. My body isn’t stupid. Between sleep or sex with Ryder, my body will choose sex with him every time. I come fully awake and spear my fingers through Ryder’s soft, thick hair.
I peer down at his grinning face before he slips under the covers and I open for him like a flower welcomes the morning sun.
“Time to wake up.” His tongue licks up my center.
“Trust me. I’m now very much awake.”
I squirm in his hands and he places a kiss to my mound before sliding back up to kiss my mouth. Not giving a shit about morning breath, he kisses me thoroughly while simultaneously stripping the bed sheet off and lifting me up in one smooth movement. He carries me to the adjoining bathroom, then sets me down and turns the shower on.
Ryder gives me a tap on the butt and a nudge. “You need to get moving if we’re meeting Daniel before your first class.”
Right. It’
s Monday morning and Daniel’s plane is scheduled to land at six.
I had to skip another morning run with Julien this morning. I wanted to be able to at least meet Daniel when he arrived and give him a hug before I have to rush off to my nine o’clock class. Daniel is friends with the dean of our college so he’s going to stay at her house while he’s here. Apparently, Daniel and our dean, Dr. Carol Wruthers, went to college together. Daniel introduced her to her husband, who was his roommate at the time. Daniel’s been hinting that he wants me to contact Dr. Wruthers, but I’ve politely declined so far. I don’t want to get any special treatment while at CU. I know Daniel would try and pull strings if I gave him an inch.
“What time is it?” I yawn out.
“Four-thirty.”
The boys came over yesterday and helped me clean and grocery shop for Daniel’s visit. We then ordered take-out for dinner and watched a movie. I texted Meredith to find out how the party and Trevor went. She texted me back a whole bunch of emojis that made up a weird-ass rebus that I’m still trying to figure out. When midnight approached, Ryder left with Julien and Jayson, so I didn’t get to have him with me in bed last night. I did, however, slip him a key to my apartment along with the alarm code so he could come and go as he pleases.
I sleepily drag my tank top up and over while kicking off my underwear, and then open the shower door. “Want to join me?”
“You know what will happen if I do. I’m going to make us breakfast. Be quick. We need to leave in thirty.” Ryder swats my ass again and walks out, leaving me scowling at his back.
“But I’m horny now!” I yell at him and get under the warm spray.
Seconds later, the shower door opens and Ryder steps inside. My smile is huge.
“We can grab something on the way,” is his answer as he pushes me up against the shower wall. So much better than coffee and chocolate donuts.
After a brief but explosive round of shower sex, we barely finish getting dressed in time to meet Ryder’s thirty-minute deadline. Once our shoes are on, we hop in my car and head to a nearby café for breakfast. The small local café opens every morning at five and has the best gluten-free biscuits. They make them with almond milk and plant-based butter. I discovered this place soon after I arrived. I love how more and more restaurants are serving gluten-free options.
Paper Stars Rewritten: Fallen Brook Series: Book 2 Page 17