"You taught me that, brother. I don't know what I ever did to make you hate me so much."
"You were born," he muttered. "This family was fine without you."
I turned on my heel and stormed out of the kitchen. I didn't stop until I reached my room and could shut him and the world out. I'd always known, of course. I'd always sensed my brother's hate. A younger kid had shown up, taking some of the attention Mom had only bestowed on him. Not that she'd been too involved in either of our lives. Still, the little she had, Taylor had been forced to share with me. And he'd hated me for it.
I slid down the door, sitting cross-legged on the floor. Downstairs, Mom and Dad interrogated Taylor. I could hear their raised voices and tried my best to silence them. The heels of my hands weren't enough though. I pushed myself up and fumbled around until I found my ear buds. I plugged them into my phone and played the first song I found. Loud, so loud nothing else could reach me.
CHAPTER SIX
I WAITED IN THE DRIVEWAY, my hands shoved deep into my jeans' pockets. Despite my hopeless love for him, I wasn't looking forward to this afternoon with Parker. He'd called the night before, casually asking me to go with him to an action movie marathon. In the middle of the week.
Parker, the workaholic, wanted to hang out on a "school" night. I could smell the setup from miles away. Mom had called him, of course. She wouldn't dream of talking with me herself. She'd done what she'd always done since Parker had started dating Taylor. Push my brother's and my problems on Parker. He was the most responsible and sensible one in the family. I guess that could qualify as good parenting in some universe.
I could have said no. That was a lie. Someone smarter than me, less of a glutton for punishment, could have said no. No matter the reason, I'd never pass on an opportunity to hang out with Parker. Even if Mom had made him do it. Even if I didn't stand a chance of ever becoming more to Parker than his husband's dumb kid brother.
"Hey, hot shot," he yelled over the loud music blaring in his car. "Jump in."
I raised an eyebrow as I walked around the car to get into the passenger seat. Since when did Parker listen to heavy metal?
"Who the hell are you?" I looked at him expectantly, but he seemed to be as puzzled as I was. I pointed to the radio. "Thought you didn't like heavy metal."
Parker grinned. "No, Taylor didn't like it. So I kind of restricted it to late night drives back from work. Keeps me awake."
I shook my head. "No one told you they invented headphones?"
Parker sighed. "Can you imagine me with headphones on and Taylor not throwing a fit?"
I shrugged. "You always went above and beyond to make him happy."
"Never again," Parker muttered.
"Never again, what?"
He turned to face me, his eyes intense, like they could see right into my soul. "I'll never give up things that make me happy to please someone else."
I tried not to laugh, I really did, but I couldn't stop my shoulders from shaking. "You mean like dropping whatever you wanted to do today to sort out what's upsetting me? I'm sure Mom didn't force you into this one."
Parker rolled his eyes. "Seeing you happy makes me happy, kid. And I actually didn't want to go to the movies alone. It’s no fun if there's no one to discuss them with."
I wondered if he knew how deeply his words touched me. How treasured they made me feel, even if they didn't come from the kind of love I craved from him. Still, knowing he wanted to spend time with me, that I wasn't a chore to him, it lightened up the tension I'd felt since the fight with Taylor.
It didn't matter I'd loved him in secret for so long. It didn't matter I felt ashamed of how I wanted him. It didn't matter everyone but Parker knew and they could use it against me. Beyond that intense longing, I shared a real connection with this man, one that would endure everything, even him divorcing my brother.
***
"Oh, my God! I see explosions when I close my eyes."
Parker laughed as I dragged my feet out of the movie theater. "Lightweight."
When he'd said marathon, he'd apparently meant just that. We'd been in the theater for eight hours. Maybe more. Four action movies. I'd endured the loud bangs and gunshots and lack of meaningful plot for that long. I was so fed up, I might have needed a foreign movie, subtitles and weird symbolism included, to cleanse my palate.
"I'll drive you to your parents' place. You can sleep it off."
I groaned at Parker's words. I didn't want to go back there. Mom would hover and drag me into a long conversation about the importance of family. Something about blood and how I shouldn't hate my brother. She never gave that speech to Taylor.
"I wish I could go home."
Parker pulled me into a side-hug and squeezed my shoulder. "How long until your apartment is ready?"
My landlord had decided to change the plumbing in the entire building. And because he needed to change that, he'd decided to update the wiring too. Most tenants didn't mind, they were at work while the contractors were banging away at their walls. I was the unlucky freelancer that had been forced to move back home until it was finished. Drilling and hammering didn't go well with my productivity. Nor did the idea of two weeks with intermittent running water.
"I have no clue. They were supposed to be done last weekend. Then the landlord decided to update something else. I hope to go back in another week."
"I have beer at my place. And we can get pizza."
I stopped in my tracks, forcing Parker to do the same. I took him in, trying to figure out if he really wanted to spend more time with me. I feared Parker felt sorry for me, but he seemed pretty enthusiastic. I started to wonder even more if this wasn't some weird alien wearing Parker's face. "Dude, it's a week day."
He grinned. "Not for me, it isn't! Dad decided I was only allowed at work four days a week. My weekend started today at five p.m."
I shook my head and started walking to the car. "Everything makes sense now."
The closer to his house we got, the more restless I became. My fuzzy brain had a hard time keeping up, unsure of how to react. The reality of my situation was simple: Parker had invited me over for beer and pizza. He had the time and I needed to be away from my parents' place. What confused me, what made it hard for me to breathe normally, was the shock waves emitting from my heart. A night in with the man I loved. The fantasy so palpable, now that my brother was out of the picture, it made it hard to keep what was real and what I dreamed of separated.
"Are you okay?" Parker looked at me expectantly. We'd stopped in front of his building and I'd frozen there as he searched his pockets for his keys.
I nodded and tried for a smile.
"We can do something else if that's what you need."
Parker undid me with the simplest of sentences. I just couldn't deal with how amazing he was, how he took care of me. He had no idea how his kindness hurt me. Nor would I ever tell him.
"No, your suggestion was perfect. I swear I'm fine."
Parker smiled, warmth radiating off him. He burned so bright at times, I just couldn't look away. Moth, meet flame and dive right in. And dove I did, following him up to his apartment and sitting next to him on his comfy couch, beer in hand, eyes on him when he wasn't looking.
We had pizza and watched another action movie despite my earlier saturation. It wasn't as bad with the sound at humanly acceptable levels. I sucked my first beer right out of the bottle and had two more during the movie. The mild alcohol did nothing to settle my nerves.
"I should call a cab," I said as the credits rolled.
Parker huffed and threw a pillow at me. "Nonsense. It's late, kid. You should crash in my guest room."
I was tempted. But I knew better. I was too tired and buzzed to trust myself not to do something I'd regret in the morning. "It's fine, it's a ten-minute ride."
Parker stood and walked out of the living room. "I'll find you something to change into."
I sighed and rubbed my eyes. Once Parker decided something, it wa
s close to impossible to change his mind. And tonight, he'd decided I needed a night away from home. He wasn't wrong, he just had no idea how much worse a night spent here could turn out.
CHAPTER SEVEN
AS THE HOT WATER BEAT against my back, I braced myself against the shower's tiled wall. It felt good, cleaning up the remnants of the day. What felt even better were Parker's familiar scents. His shampoo, his shower gel, all his other toiletries. In a last-minute saving throw, my brain had chosen self-preservation and I'd used some shower gel samples I'd found. Spending the night in Parker's house with his smell etched on my skin wasn't the smartest thing I could do. Unless I felt a dire need to rub one off and scream his name in the throes of orgasm.
I cut off the water and stepped out of the shower. I wrapped myself in the large towel Parker had left out and looked around for the soft pajamas he'd lent me. "Fuck!" Of course I'd left them in the guest room. I was too dazed for my own good. I dried myself with jerky movements, then wrapped the towel around my hips. It was going to be fine. I was the half-naked one, not Parker. I'd be safe.
I took a deep breath, stepped out of the bathroom, and ran straight into Parker. I instinctively reached for him and steadied him, but the extra cover he was carrying fell on the floor.
"Sorry. Didn't mean to throttle you."
Parker shook his head, his eyes glued to my torso. "My fault. I wasn't paying attention at all.”
His breath hitched, and he cursed.
"Are you okay?"
I caught his eyes and the spark of desire in them struck me dumb.
"No, it's... Fuck, I forget how hot you are. Sorry for staring."
I opened my mouth to say something, but my voice did not show up for the occasion.
"Please forget I said anything."
Fear crept in his eyes, his lips trembling a little. I let go of him and mumbled something I couldn't understand myself. I picked up the fluffy cover and probably said good night.
Once I safely made it to the guest room, I took forever to make it to the bed and sit down. As understanding dawned on me, my body reacted in full force. My dick turned into a rock, its needy shape protruding through the towel. I stared it down, but it wouldn't relent. And I wasn't going to touch it, not with that memory of lust on Parker's face and him only a few feet from me, tucked away in his bedroom.
I cradled my head, my fingers digging into the still damp hair and scalp, and sighed. I’d been right after all. Staying over hadn't been a great idea.
***
I drifted in and out of sleep, tossing and turning for most of the night. Morning sneaked up on me and the moment light seeped into the bedroom, my brain refused to shut down again. I felt a strange itch preventing me from lying there anymore. I could change and go home, but it felt wrong to run like that.
With a heavy sigh, I got dressed and stepped out of the guest room. The place was eerily quiet, making me feel even more uneasy. I remembered Parker soundproofing it, so that the noise from outside couldn't get in. He lived on a busy street, with a hospital nearby, the noise was a terrible nuisance without the proofing. But I was used to the soft rumble of cars, birds singing, and neighbors chatting as my day to day backdrop, so the dead quiet in this apartment always unsettled me.
I listened for any movement from Parker's bedroom, but I couldn't hear anything. I made my way to the kitchen, trying as hard as I could not to disturb the silence, then carefully closed the door behind me. I hurried to the window and opened it. Sound raced at me, louder than I'd expected. I remembered now, it was awful trying to sleep here before Parker had renovated.
I took a quick look at Parker's coffee machine—basic but decent. I could handle it without any fear of ruining it. Finding the actual coffee was another story. It took me a good few minutes to rifle through Parker's cupboards until I found the dreaded thing. Roasted beans. I rolled my eyes at Parker's bit of coffee snobbery but understood it a moment later when the enticing scent of freshly ground coffee hit me.
As the unexpectedly silent machine brewed my coffee, I leaned out the opened window and looked at the world. People getting into their cars, rushing to work. Some with loud kids in tow. Teens laughing as they made their way to the bus stop. An old lady walking an equally old dog and nodding her morning greetings to everyone she ran into. The bakery across the street. My mouth watered the moment I lay eyes on it. A second later, the smell of delicious pastries reached me.
I looked over my shoulder. The coffee would take a couple of minutes. Plenty of time for me to dash out and get us breakfast.
Just as I made it to the exit, Parker's door opened. He looked at me, bleary eyed. "Going home?"
I shook my head and pointed to the kitchen. "I started the coffee machine. I'll dash out to the bakery and be right back.”
He nodded and dragged his feet to the kitchen. He looked exhausted, which shouldn't have surprised me. Parker wasn't one for late evenings. Whenever he stayed up late, he took days to recover. I smiled to myself and hurried along. I needed to get some food into him and myself. And coffee, we needed that too.
By the time I made it back with our fresh pastries, I'd forgotten all about the awkwardness I'd expected. Parker didn't disappoint. He remained in his zombie state for the first cup of coffee. He perked up mildly by cup number two, but his energy vanished as he ate.
I watched him as I savored my own breakfast and caffeine hit, feeling comfortable in his cramped but warm kitchen.
"Hey, kid, I have an idea," he said, looking at me over the rim of his coffee cup.
"Sure, shoot."
"Your brother tells you when I need checking up on. Your mother calls me and demands I deal with your issues."
I cringed at his words, a vivid image of my mother's exasperated pleas flashing through my mind.
"How about we make a deal and instead of letting others interfere, we call each other when we need something?"
I grinned and nodded, a bit too enthusiastically. "Sounds like a plan to me."
"We kind of stopped after the separation, didn't we?"
I imagined my waning grin mirrored his remorse. "Yeah, I didn't know if you wanted to see me at all, to be honest." Once again, I remembered I looked a lot like my brother, unfortunately.
"I missed talking to you. I wanted to call so many times, but... I didn't know if you were up to listening to me complain about your brother."
"I don't mind. You are part of my life too. I don't want to lose you just because Taylor's an idiot."
Parker sighed and stood, holding out his hand. "We have a deal then?"
I placed my cup on the table and walked around it. I took his hand in mine and pulled him into a hug. "Deal," I whispered against the skin of his neck, his familiar scent making me dizzy.
CHAPTER EIGHT
I DRAGGED MYSELF THROUGH MY weekend after my movie night with Parker. Being a freelancer meant I could technically take time off whenever. In practice, it meant I'd just delayed the inevitable and had to catch up on work. It got me out of a family thing, so I saw less of Taylor, but my winning streak ended on Sunday evening.
"Do I have to?" I asked when Mom said we were having dinner together again. The one night a week she forced us into was quite enough for me.
She frowned and propped her arms on her hips. "Listen to me, young man. You should be thankful you have a family to try to avoid. Now go finish whatever it is you are doing and join us for dinner."
As I grudgingly obeyed her, I looked out my window to the spot where the old sour cherry tree used to be. I'd used it as my getaway route for many years before it dried up and they'd had to cut it. Tonight, I missed it more than ever before.
"There's our busy businessman," Taylor said when he zeroed in on me.
I sat across from him in my usual spot and ignored him. I had fresh bread sticks to distract me and they were good enough to tone down the bitter taste my brother always left.
"So, you spent the night at Parker's?"
I rolled my eyes a
t him and tried not to resent my mother. Why she had to tell him everything, I'd never understand.
"Van, is there something wrong with your mouth, dear? I swear it worked the last time we spoke." Mom smiled and patted my shoulder as she placed a bowl of salad in the middle of the table.
"I think it's my hearing that's not working. I could swear Taylor was talking, but nothing meaningful reached my ears."
She sighed and shook her head. "Stop being so harsh on your brother, Van. He's been through enough with this mess of a divorce."
"Through enough men? Sure."
"Van," Dad said, glaring at me. "Not at the dinner table."
Not ever, more like. Our parents liked to pretend Taylor was perfection personified. And they referred to his divorce as if it were this unavoidable calamity that had hit him. Like a hurricane or an earthquake. God forbid my brother learned to take responsibility for his actions!
Taylor smirked. I wanted to say something snarky, but what he'd said the last time we'd discussed Parker gnawed at me. I'd never heard my brother talk of his insecurities like that. I sighed and dropped the bread stick on my plate. "He wanted me to go with him to a movie marathon. Then we had pizza and watched another movie at his place."
Taylor squinted at me. "And then what?"
I bit the inside of my cheek to keep from snapping at him. "Then I slept in his guest bedroom, of course."
"Aw, poor Van. Even without me in the picture, you still can't close the deal, can you?"
I realized what I'd done when the half-eaten bread stick hit Taylor's forehead. Mom started to say something, but I put up my hand to stop her. I stood slowly and braced myself on the table, leaning over the salad and side dishes to glare at Taylor. "Parker is not a notch I want on my bed post, you dumb ass."
"Oh, that's right." He tapped a finger on his bottom lip. "You're in love with him. Have been for a long time. Tell me, did you throw a party when he left me?"
I huffed and sat back down. "I'm not heartless like you. You tore Parker to pieces. Who would celebrate something like that?"
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