by M J Ryan
My study of gratitude, the awareness of all that we are receiving, led me naturally to generosity, the giving of ourselves and our resources to someone else, in The Giving Heart, which then led me, naturally, to patience. For the more we cultivate patience, the happier and more peaceful we are, even if things don't always turn out the way we want.
Using a bit more patience, I could have waited calmly for the (maybe) five minutes it would have taken to pay at the copy shop. I would not have had those negative feelings of irritation and anger, and I would not have upset the other people in the store. My blood pressure would have remained low, my immune system strong. I would have been more content—even while waiting!
Indeed, the longer I study and practice patience, the more I've come to see that it is a crucial factor in whether we have satisfying lives or not. Patience gives us self-control, the capacity to stop and be in the present moment. From that place we can make wise choices. Patience helps us be more loving toward others, more at ease with the circumstances of our lives, and more able to get what we want. It constantly rewards us with the fruits of maturity and wisdom: healthier relationships, higher-quality work, and peace of mind. It accomplishes this magic by bringing together three essential qualities of mind and heart that allow us to be and do our best: persistence, serenity, and acceptance.
STICK-TO-IT-NESS: THE POWER OF PERSISTENCE
Patience gives us stick-to-it-ness, the ability to work steadily toward our goals and dreams. Recent research in emotional intelligence demonstrates that the effect of such persistence can equal many IQ points. Asian students in the United States are thought to be, on average, within one or two IQ points of caucasians. But because they are usually taught persistence when young, they end up, as a group, behaving as though they have a much higher average IQ and are disproportionately represented in top universities and highly intellectual professions.
I once read an interview with the founder of Fast Company magazine, one of the few dot-com–related media still standing after the dot bust. He had had an idea to create a magazine that reflected the new ideas of the times and he pursued it despite huge obstacles. He borrowed against his personal credit cards and stormed the country, trying to get investors. No takers. But he passionately believed in his idea and refused to give up. Literally the day he was down to his last dime and had run out of options, he made the connection that led to the founding of the magazine—and ultimately to his selling it to a publishing conglomerate for a huge sum.
Stories abound about folks who persisted despite the odds, before finally achieving great success. Walt Disney, for instance, was turned down 302 times before he got financing for Disneyland. George Lucas put up his own money to make Star Wars because no one believed in his vision. By the time the movie came out, he was completely broke. But he ended up becoming phenomenally wealthy precisely because he had been unable to sell any of the rights to the film or sequels.
Patiently continuing on despite obstacles doesn't mean that we will necessarily reap the kind of huge reward Mr. Fast Company, Walt Disney, or George Lucas did. But it sure increases the odds that we will make our own personal dreams come true, whatever they are.
NO REASON TO STRESS: THE POWER OF SERENITY
Patience also gives us calmness of spirit. With patience, our inner experience is more like a still pond than a raging river. Rather than being thrown into anger, panic, or fear by every circumstance life throws at us—a canceled plane, a missed deadline by a workmate, our spouse forgetting to do an errand—we are able to put it into some kind of perspective that allows us to keep our cool.
With this composure, rather than being the miserable kvetch who upsets everyone around us, we're the ones people look to for comfort and humor when things go awry. Jesuit priest and author Anthony de Mello describes this attitude when he writes, “All is well, all is well. Though everything is a mess, all is well.”
With patience, we are more able to stay calm on the inside no matter what is happening on the outside. We trust in our capacity to deal with whatever comes our way. And that trust gives great peace of mind.
One reason for this is that a synonym for patience is self-possession. I love that word; it helps me remember that, with patience, we are in charge of our selves. We can choose how to respond to a given event, rather than being hijacked by our emotions. In this way, patience is like a keel on a boat—it allows us to keep our stability in the stormiest of seas while continuing to move in the direction we desire.
THAT'S OK: THE POWER OF ACCEPTANCE
Patience also gives us the ability to put up graciously with obstacles in our path, to respond to life's challenges with courage, strength, and optimism. A business failure, disappointments in love, a serious disability, money woes—these are just a few of the trials that we might be faced with over the course of a lifetime. Being patient in these circumstances doesn't mean that we have to like the curveballs that get hurled at us. But we recognize that they come with being alive and so we don't add the additional suffering of bitterness, revenge, or hopelessness to the mix. Rather than whining or complaining, we roll up our sleeves and tackle the task at hand.
Patience in the form of acceptance also allows us to have empathy for others, because we recognize that as human beings, we all have limitations. It gives us the emotional resilience to respond with kindness, to feel compassion.
When you lovingly tend to an elderly parent who never thanks you, when you calmly explain to a fussy two-year-old for the forty-seventh time why he can't climb on the furniture, you are demonstrating patience, putting up with situations that given your preference you'd rather not, because you understand they are created by people who are, like you, flawed human beings who just want to be happy.
Through this acceptance of others as they are, and of life as it is showing up right now, we prove our true strength and beauty as human beings. It's easy to be accepting when all is well. But when we are patient when things aren't going the way we want, we truly shine as heroes.
Take a moment to reflect on a time when you employed the power of patience. What were the circumstances? Did you calm an otherwise volatile situation? Treat someone you care about better than if you had blown your stack? How did it feel? What helped you to act patiently? What happened as a result?
Now think about a time when someone was patient with you. How did he or she treat you? How did it feel? What were you able to do or learn as a consequence?
It is because patience is so valuable that all religions offer us models to follow. Buddhists are taught that practicing the patience of the Buddha is one of the ways to reach enlightenment, while patience is one of the ninety-nine divine attributes of God in the Koran. In the Old Testament, Job is the epitome of patience, while Christians are inspired by the life and sacrifice of Jesus Christ.
Because of the value of patience, I have no doubt that at one time or other, someone has told you that you “should” be more patient. Perhaps that's how you talk to yourself or your kids. (I know I do.) Did it work? Most likely not. Merely telling ourselves we should do something—and then beating ourselves up when we don't—is not effective. All it does is create blame and shame.
Impatience is a habit; so is patience. To change a habit, we need strong motivation, which comes from knowing the rewards that come from the new behavior. That's why this book begins with a look at Patience's Gifts. Next, we need a mindset that encourages the change we want to see. The Attitudes of Patience chapter presents the mental outlooks that strengthen the habit. Finally we need the tools of change. We need to experiment with new behaviors and notice the effects they have in our lives. In the section titled “The Practices of Patience,” you'll discover a number of ways to cultivate this habit of the heart, particularly in the ordinary stressful situations you find yourself in—things like standing in line, taking care of kids, dealing with aging parents, crawling in traffic jams, waiting on hold, waiting for love.
This book is meant to be read slowly, to be
fully felt and lived with. As you practice, I encourage you not to feel you must do every suggestion—that will stand in your way of doing any. Start by trying one or two that you feel drawn to. I offer a lot of ideas because I don't know which will be most effective for you.
This is soul work as well as mind training and it takes practice and time. I have been consciously practicing patience for several years now and there are still occasions when I blow my stack.
You'll hear about those times and what I'm still learning, for I don't hold myself out as an expert. Think of me rather as a fellow traveler on the journey. In these pages, I offer you my hand as we explore ways, through patience, that we can become more grounded and less overwhelmed, more powerful and loving, and more effective with all those who cross our path.
This is exciting work, because it promises to help us reclaim our time, our priorities, and our ability to respond to life and all of its demands. With patience, we are in the driver's seat of our own lives. Patience plants us firmly in the ground of our being, content with who and where we are. Patience makes us happier, it leads us to success, and it gives us greater peace of mind every day. Who could resist that invitation?
It is my hope and prayer that this book will help you grow the patience that is in your heart, and that your efforts and mine will ripple out into the world to create a tidal wave. For if we as a community of human souls harness the power of patience, there is no problem we can't solve—eventually.
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PATIENCE'S GIFTS
If there is anything that gives kingliness to the soul, it is patience. What was the secret of the masters who have accomplished great things, who have inspired many and who have helped many souls? Their secret was patience.
INAYAT KHAN
BEFORE WE BEGIN to learn anything, we always want to know why we should bother. It's not a cynical question, but springs from genuine curiosity. Learning anything takes desire, so we have to know why it's worth the effort to put in the required energy. That's why we begin by looking at what we'll get for our efforts, the rewards of becoming more patient.
PATIENCE CREATES EXCELLENCE
Talent is long patience.
GUSTAVE FLAUBERT
We all know about the lightbulb, but did you know that Thomas Edison also invented the stock ticker, the electric vote recorder, the automatic telegraph, the electric safety miner's lamp, fluorescent lights, the motion picture camera, and the phonograph?
Here is what he had to say while struggling with the lightbulb: “I have not failed seven hundred times. I have not failed once. I have succeeded in proving that those seven hundred ways will not work. When I have eliminated the ways that will not work, I will find the way that will work.”
I've been thinking about patience for years now, but it is only in the past few months that I have come to see the connection between patience and the cultivation of excellence. Here's how Eric Hoffer puts it: “At the core of every true talent there is an awareness of the difficulties inherent in any achievement, and the confidence that by persistence and patience something worthwhile will be realized. Thus talent is a species of vigor.” George Louis Leclerc de Buffon was referring to the same thing when he wrote, “Genius is nothing but a greater aptitude for patience.”
These thinkers are reminding us that genius must be cultivated. “Raw” talent gets us only so far—we must work at a gift over and over again: painting, writing, computer know-how, golfing, love, parenting. Anything that we could potentially become good at requires that we dedicate ourselves to long effort. This is only possible when we are patient with our progress, no matter how slow or fast it may be.
Studies confirm this. For instance, a researcher at the University of Florida discovered that, on average, it takes ten years of practice to acquire the mastery of an expert. That's a lot of patience!
A few years ago, the Gallup Organization released groundbreaking research in excellence. What they discovered, in a study of 2 million individuals, is that people who excel know what they are good at and practice even more in it. They don't worry about their weaknesses, but instead work on their particular combination of strengths until they have maximized them. (By the way, according to their research, there are 33 million possible combinations of these strengths, which means your particular configuration is one in 33 million. Thus, with the power of persistence, you can be your own one-of-a-kind genius.)
Like a fine wine that gets better with time, we fulfill our potential with patience. Through it, we are able to offer our unique brand of excellence to the world. And that is no small thing, for the world desperately needs the best of what each and every one of us has to give.
PATIENCE BRINGS US INTO HARMONY WITH THE CYCLES OF NATURE
The patience for waiting is possibly the greatest wisdom of all: the wisdom to plant the seed and let the tree bear its fruit.
JOHN MACENULTY
I was working with a woman, let's call her Meredith, who had spent her life chasing the American dream: she had gone to an Ivy League school, landed a six-figure job, and climbed the ladder to upper management. Then, in her mid-forties, she looked back at her accomplishments and they felt pretty hollow. Nothing in her life except her role as a mother and wife seemed meaningful. She left her job and came to me to figure out what to do next.
One of the first things I helped her see was that, like all living things, people go through seasons—the spring of new possibilities, where everything seems exciting and fresh; the summer of fruition, when you are in the full blossom of energy and creativity; the fall of disenchantment, when you begin to lose interest; and the winter of discontent, when you feel empty, afraid you will never be engaged with life again. She was in winter.
This is a natural process that we all go through, but because we are so used to thinking of ourselves as outside of nature, we are not aware of this cycle. So we try to stay in summer and medicate, distract, or otherwise prevent ourselves from going into fall or winter.
But this cycle is the growth process—for human beings as well as cucumbers and crocuses—and unless we allow ourselves to be in each season as it comes, we will never grow. For it is only in shedding our old ways of being, our old priorities and concerns, that we make room for the new.
As any gardener will tell you, the cycles of nature require patience. You can't just plant a seed and expect it to flower the next day. You can't tug on the leaves or unfurl the bud to hurry the process. Even a fast-growing vegetable like a radish requires time.
So do we. When we practice patience, we come more into alignment with the natural rhythms of life. We remember that “to everything there is a season,” and we stop pushing for life to be different than it is. Winter takes as long as it takes, but it always ends—and so does summer. That's the law of nature.
That's what I told Meredith when she asked me despairingly one day when her internal winter would be over. I said I didn't know, but I did know it would end and that, just like a gardener, there were some things she could do to prepare for spring. Things like looking at what really mattered to her, what gifts she had, and what legacy she wanted to leave. Winter is the ideal time to prepare for what is to come, even if you don't know quite what that is yet.
She and I talked together for about a year. She worked hard on herself and cultivated her patience. Finally she got excited about a new business possibility and went off to pursue it. One day soon after, I got a card in the mail. It was one of those greeting cards that have flower seeds imbedded in the paper. Along with it came a note: “Thank you for holding the faith that spring would come again for me when I couldn't. These seeds represent those you helped me find when there seemed to be none.”
We are living systems, a part of nature and as much subject to its cycles as the mightiest oak or the tiniest tree frog. Patience helps us feel that connection.
PATIENCE HELPS US MAKE BETTER DECISIONS
A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains.
DUTCH PROV
ERB
It was the middle of the night. My daughter, Ana, age two, had a high fever. We had given her Tylenol, and put her down to sleep between us. She woke up about a half hour later, crying. I panicked, yelling to my husband beside me to run and get the thermometer in the bathroom (about five steps away). Don sauntered to the bathroom and back; calmly he checked her temperature. It hadn't risen. Mine had though—I was furious!
As soon as Ana fell back to sleep, I lit into Don. “I can't believe you moved so slowly. This was an emergency! You couldn't hurry even if your life, or your daughter's, depended on it!”
Quietly, he responded. “She was hysterical and you were alarmed. It seemed that the best thing for me to do was to stay as calm as possible. I would not have gotten the thermometer any faster by running and I might have added to the general upset. Doing it my way took less than a minute total.”
I looked at him. He was calm, focused. As for me, my heart was racing, I was sweating, and I felt like bursting into tears. It was obvious even to me, in my agitated state, that between the two of us, the person best equipped to deal with an emergency in that moment was Don. I knew from my years as a teenage lifeguard, when I dealt with all kinds of bloody accidents, that in a crisis it's much better to be composed than flapping around in a panic. Otherwise your feelings are swamping the rational part of your brain that can make sound decisions.