by M J Ryan
IN ADDITION TO THE PRACTICES suggested in Section 4, here are easy things you can do on the spot when you are looking to increase your patience.
If you've got a big project you're working on, choose to notice what you've done rather than what you've got left to do. The “glass half full” approach increases patience because it taps into our sense of positivism. As one man wrote about building a boat, “I don't think about how long it will take. Instead I notice how far I've come.”
At your tolerance limit with someone at work or home? Try a vigorous walk or jog. You'll burn off the stress hormones that have accumulated in your system and will be more able to reengage your patience when you return.
The old advice to count to ten before speaking in a heated situation really can work. It gives you a chance to remember what really matters to you—blowing off steam or finding an effective solution. If ten doesn't work, try twenty. Keep counting!
Seek practical solutions to the things that irritate you about your mate rather than nag. Get a refrigerator with an automatic ice cube maker if you go nuts about your sweetie always forgetting to fill the ice cube trays; get the toothpaste that comes in a pump if you see red at the sight of the cap left off. Many such simple solutions exist if we look for them.
Put a small pebble in your pocket. When you start to feel irritation rise, move the pebble from one pocket to the other, which will help interrupt the anger cycle and give you a chance to regroup.
Standing in line, take yourself on a mental vacation. Visualize the most peaceful place you can think of. See, feel, and hear yourself there. Bring to mind the feelings that such a place evokes in you. Rather than focusing on how long you have to wait, relish this chance to take a little daydream to Tahiti or the Alps.
Kids, parents, spouse making your blood boil? Remember what legacy you want to leave in the world. That your father says on his deathbed that you were so kind? That your son thanks you for being a patient teacher to him? Take a minute now to think of what you would want to be remembered for after you are gone and bring it to mind in times of relationship trials.
Start a patience movement. Thank others for being patient when you've been the one fumbling for the right change and holding everyone up. It will defuse their tension and yours, and perhaps encourage others to do the same.
When you have to wait a long time for something to come to fruition—a big project, for instance—celebrate small milestones along the way. Ten pages done? Take yourself to lunch. When we reward ourselves for what we've accomplished, we give ourselves the resilience to press on.
No time to go on retreat? Use waiting in line to practice walking meditation. Feel your feet on the floor. Carefully pick up one foot, noticing how it feels to do that. Place it carefully down and with awareness, then lift and place the other foot. See how long you can focus on lifting and placing. When you find your mind wandering, gently return it to noticing your walking. You will not only be calmer while waiting, but will be building your patience muscle.
Waiting impatiently for your computer to boot up? Do the rag doll, which relaxes back and neck muscles. Push away from the desk, sit on the edge of your chair with your knees and feet about twelve inches apart. Put your head between your knees, allowing your hands to rest on the floor between your feet. Breathe and allow your irritation and tension to flow out of your body into the floor.
Try the red-light meditation. Use a red light, ringing phone, or other frustration to notice three breaths. Simply notice how your breath goes in and comes out, without trying to change it.
Try mindfulness in chores. When wiping the kitchen table, for instance, really notice what you are doing. Feel your arm as it moves back and forth; enjoy the shine you are creating. It will take no longer than doing it mindlessly and by bringing yourself fully to the enjoyment of the experience, you have more patience for it.
Cut down or swear off caffeine. Caffeine is a stimulant that can cause jitteriness and yes, irritability, the inability to take life in stride. According to one study, more than half of Americans consume more than the recommended amount of two hundred milligrams per day. (The average cup of coffee contains one hundred milligrams.) When I found myself drinking as much as a quart a day of iced tea, I switched to decaf. Yes, I had a blinding headache for a day, but it was worth the price for the increase in calmness and patience.
Tuning out when someone's talking? Think about a time in your life when you needed someone to be patient with you and they were. When you remember the healing power of patience in your life, you'll have more with others.
Would I rather be right or effective? That's a great question to hold in your mind when you're in a conflict with someone. Use it as often as you need to keep your goal—and your patience—front and center.
Find an inspirational quote (this book has plenty) that you can put on your computer, on your bathroom mirror, in your car. When you find patience slipping, read it for an immediate booster shot.
Ask for help. Lots of times we are impatient because we are overloaded. There's no prize at the end of your life for doing too much, particularly if you do it in a frazzled state.
Try laughing at yourself or your situation. Christopher Reeve wrote eloquently about how joking helped him. When asked how he was doing in the early stages of his paralysis, he replied, “Well, my throat's a little scratchy, I have an itch on my nose, and my fingernails need cutting. Oh—and I'm paralyzed.”
Testy at the office? Go online and search for soothing pictures and music, as well as relaxation exercises that you can do at your desk. Or give yourself a laugh at www.theonion.com.
6
ABOVE ALL, BE MERCIFUL WITH YOURSELF
Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself . . . every day begin the task anew.
ST. FRANCIS DE SALES
IONCE CAME UPON a quote that said, “A patient man is one who can put up with himself.” Over time, I've come to better understand the wisdom of those words and the ones by St. Francis opening this section. For, in the cultivation of patience, we are really being called on to love ourselves in all our brokenness and beauty, when we stumble as well as soar.
The longer I've pondered patience, the more I've come to see that impatience is actually a symptom of perfectionism. If we expect ourselves and others to be perfect, if we expect subways and elevators and voice-mail systems to be flawless, then we will lose our patience every time some imperfection shows up: lost luggage, blown timetables, rude waiters, fussy in-laws, cranky kids. Conversely, the more we see life as messy and unpredictable, and people as bumbling through life the best they can, the more patience we bring to the circumstances and people in our lives.
But we can't do that unless we start with patience for ourselves, by treating ourselves with compassion for, and curiosity about, our foibles and failings. If we expect perfection from ourselves, we're rigid, inflexible, judgmental. Any mistake is unacceptable so we push it away and pretend it never happened. We don't learn from our errors and are therefore condemned to repeat them. If, on the other hand, we treat ourselves in a tender, gentle manner as a loving mother would treat her newborn child, it's possible to acknowledge our mistakes and make wiser choices in the future.
As we cultivate this heart habit called patience, we deserve our own mercy. “Mercy” is an oldfashioned word; you don't hear it much these days. “Mercy,” writes French philosopher André ComteSponville, “is the virtue of forgiveness . . . mercy is that path which accommodates even those who fail to reach its end.”
I love this word because among its meanings is this: compassionate treatment of those in distress. When we show ourselves mercy, we cradle our distress, our irritation and anger. We hold it close, we allow it to touch and thereby transform us. We melt our rigid insistence that we must be perfect. Even if we haven't lived up to our own standards, we love and care for ourselves anyway, just as we are—in our woundedness, with our strength. And the more love and mercy we shower on ourselves
, the more patience we'll have to flow over to the rest of the imperfect people who populate this less than perfect world.
Love and patience are two intertwining strands, like the DNA that is the foundation of human life. With love, we can be patient—with ourselves, with others, with life itself. With patience, we can love—ourselves, other people, and the mysterious, aweinspiring journey of life. Each strand informs and supports the other, each inevitably teaches about the other.
One of the greatest inspirational writers of the nineteenth century was a man named Henry Drummond who wrote a best-selling little book entiled The Greatest Thing in the World. In it, he said, “The world is not a playground; it is a schoolroom. Life is not a holiday but an education. And the one eternal question for us all is how better can we love.”
May your patience give you the capacity to meet that grand challenge and may your love—for yourself as well as others—lead you to grow your patience until it shines brightly in the world for the benefit of all.
MY THANKS
OVERFLOWING THANK-YOUS to Dawna Markova, who supports me in everything and is extremely generous in allowing me to share what I've learned with and through her. Her perspective that patience is a verb was particularly helpful, as well as many suggestions on how to practice. She is the wisest person I know in terms of what supports real change in human beings.
Boundless appreciation to my husband, Donald McIlraith, for graciously allowing me to reveal so much of his life and our relationship, and for being one of my greatest patience teachers. A bow of loving respect and gratitude to Ana Li, my daughter, who is so wise in patience and so many other regards. Thanks for putting up patiently with Mama working so many weekends.
Thanks to Bonnie Clark, Kathy Corbett, Tigest Scott, and especially Don for loving care of Ana so I could work on this book on a very tight deadline. Appreciations to Rick Weiss, Mary Beth Sammons, Barb Parmet, and Susie Kohl for stories, concepts, constructive criticism, and keeping me from repeating myself. Many thanks to Robin Rankin for metaphor and quiz support, and to her and the rest of my colleagues at Professional Thinking Partners—Dawna Markova, Andy Bryner, Dave Peck, and Angie McArthur—who covered for me as the deadline approached.
Many thanks to my long-time publisher Conari Press and all its talented crew. I'm honored to be part of your “books that make a difference.” A special bow of appreciation to Jan Johnson for bringing this baby back into the world.
Finally, a deep bow of gratitude to the writers of all spiritual persuasions whose teachings inform the pages of this book, and to those clients and friends who've shared their journeys of emotional and spiritual growth with me. To preserve the latter's privacy, I have changed their names and the details of their stories, but I hope the spirit of what they have taught me and what we've learned together remains.
YOUR PATIENCE JOURNEY
What are you learning about patience? What helps you keep your patience in trying times?
I would love to hear how patience has helped you in your daily life. I invite you to send your stories to me through my website at www.mj-ryan.com.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
M.J. RYAN is one of the creators of the New York Times bestselling Random Acts of Kindness and the author of The Happiness Makeover and Attitudes of Gratitude, among other titles. Altogether, there are 1.75 million copies of her titles in print. She is a contributing editor to Health.com and Good Housek
eeping and has appeared on The Today Show, CNN, and hundreds of radio programs. Visit her at www.mj-ryan.com.
TO OUR READERS
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If you liked The Power of Patience, enjoy an excerpt from Random Acts of Kindness Then and Now, (c) 2012. Go to the next page to begin reading the sample.
ROADSIDE ANGELS
STORIES OF KINDNESS FROM THE ROAD AND ABROAD
The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the grandest intention.
—Oscar Wilde
A HUNDRED-DOLLAR BILL
I arrived at the airport in Pullman, Washington, excited about my approaching interview for admission to the University of Washington's veterinary school. I went directly to the rental car agency to pick up my car, only to find, to my disbelief and horror, that my credit card had been declined and I had no other means of payment.