"'There you are,' he cried. thought you might have run off with that gas station attendant.'
"'Oh Daddy,' I said. `He wasn't really looking at me that way.'
"'Like hell, he wasn't!' Daddy exclaimed. In our house my mother hated when he said hell or damn, not because she was so religious. She just thought it was crude and a bad influence on me. Out here with the vast ocean before us, the wind blowing through my hair, the sky so blue, nothing, no rules, mattered.
"'Well,' he said, `I'm free now. What would you like to eat? Why don't we have seafood? We're at the ocean,' he said. Everything sounded exciting to me.
" `Should I change back into my other clothes?' I asked
"'Absolutely not,' he said. 'I want everyone to be jealous of me.'
"He reached down for my hand and we walked back to the motel together, where he showered, shaved and dressed while I watched television. We went to a very nice restaurant on the wharf and I had lobster and then we shared a dessert, something called a mud pie, which was a wedge of vanilla ice cream smothered in hot fudge. Again, I could hear my mother chastising us for eating such a rich dessert.
"Before we returned to the motel, we did what he had promised: we went into the town and visited some of the quaint shops. He bought me some inexpensive but interesting artistic jewelry, a necklace and a ring. He said they would go well with my new party dress, the one he had bought, of course.
"It was one of the happiest and nicest days I could remember. When we returned to the motel, I assumed we were going to sleep. I got ready for bed. Daddy watched television, sitting in a chair, and his eyes closed. I never felt as contented so I was confident that I would have only good dreams.
"Some time after I had fallen asleep, I woke in the dark room because I felt him beside me.
"'It's time for your last lesson,' he whispered, his lips touching my ear.
"My heart began to pound.
"'What, Daddy?'
"'Girls who do go too far are like swimmers who have gone beyond the buoy out in the ocean you saw today. The waves have taken control. Despite what they want now, they are lost in the rhythm and can only wait for it to end.'
"As he spoke to me softly, he ran his hands over me, lifting my nightgown.
"'Daddy,' I moaned. 'This is wrong!'
"'You have to know what this is like,' he insisted. 'And it's not wrong. It would only be wrong if I were your real daddy.'
"Not my real daddy, I thought. What did he mean? The shock in my eyes made him stop.
"'You're finally old enough to know the truth, Cathy. Yes, you're adopted, but even though you were adopted, we've always loved you. Still, don't tell your mother I've told you. It was something we were supposed to do together someday. Don't worry about it. You're my special girl, remember.' He moved his body over mine and kept whispering in my ear, 'My special girl. My special girl.'
"It hurt, but I don't know what hurt more: what he was doing or finding out the truth about myself. I was spinning with such confusion, it all seemed like a whirlwind of nightmares. I cried and cried and in the morning, I saw the blood. There was some on my nightgown.
He told me I had to throw it away. If I didn't, my mother would wonder and the most important thing, always the most important thing, was keeping our special secret.
"I wasn't very talkative the next morning. For a while, the shock of all that had happened took my attention away from what he had told me. Daddy tried to cheer me up. He talked about other places we would visit, now that I was old enough and could be independent. A few times, I thought I would ask more about my adoption, but I couldn't bring myself to form the words.
"We got back on the highway and headed for home. Again, he tried cheering me up by talking about the dance and how much fun I was going to have. I fell asleep for most of the trip and didn't wake up until we were pulling into our driveway.
"'Everything all right?' he asked me before we got out.
"Everything all right? I thought. You told me I was adopted and after what we did, everything is supposed to be all right?
"'Yes,' I lied and hurried into the house.
'Did you take your morning bath?' was my mother's first and only question the moment she saw me. She didn't ask a thing about the day, where we had gone or what we had done. I told her yes and went up to my room.
"I looked into my mirror and didn't recognize the girl I saw there. I couldn't shake off the feeling of being dirty. I still feel like that once in a while, but learning I was adopted, that I had a mother and father that I had never known left me feeling even more empty inside. Shattered. . ."
"You can stop now, Cathy," Doctor Marlowe said. I gazed at her and shook my head.
"No," I said. "I can finish."
She smiled at me.
The three girls, my sister Orphans With Parents, weren't smiling. They were the ones holding their breath now.
I wanted to say, "It's all right. Everything's going to be all right."
But I had no idea if it was or ever would be.
9
"I think something died inside me that night at the motel."
I looked at Doctor Marlowe and smiled.
"Some people think it was innocence. The little girl was gone, swept away abruptly.
"I felt so tentative about myself, so uncertain. Rather than my now being armed with a new, mature confidence, I felt like I was blindfolded, walking on a tightrope, unsure about every step, anticipating some great fall. With that feeling came the loss of all the excitement that I had felt building in me about the dance. I wasn't even interested in going anymore. I felt sick, weak, drained of my emotions.
"I lay on my bed and stared up at the ceiling for hours with my eyes wide open, thinking of nothing that I can recall.
"Daddy was the only one to check on me. Mother wasn't doing anything to encourage my going to the dance, of course. When he saw I was just moping about and he realized how late it was, he came up to see why.
"He knocked lightly on my door. I didn't respond and he opened it and peered in.
"'What are you doing? Don't you have to get ready?' he asked.
"I was afraid to let him know what I was feeling so I complained about being a little nauseous and tired. He came into my room and closed the door behind him
"'That's just stage fright,' he said with a smile. 'All girls have it on their first date or social event, Cathy.'
"I didn't agree or disagree. I just turned my head and stared at the pillow.
"'It's not important anymore,' I muttered.
"'Not important anymore? Of course, it's important. Cathy, you've got to go now,' he insisted. 'If you don't, your mother will blame it on my taking you to Santa Barbara. She'll start to rant and rave about disease and dirt and all that. We'll never be able to go anywhere again without-her bringing it up and complaining. You won't have a minute's peace if you stay home. Believe me.
"'Besides,' he said, 'I got you that wonderful dress and those shoes and you have the jewelry to wear. You're going to be the belle of the ball. Don't miss this, Cathy. C'mon, sweetheart. Why have I spent all this time with you? All the lessons,' he added. 'After your experience, I'll spend time with you again and we'll talk about what more you need to know, okay? Cathy?'
"I felt my stomach churn and I had to swallow and swallow to keep from having to throw up.
"'Okay, Daddy,' I said. `I'll start to get ready.'
"I just wanted him away, wanted him to stop talking. "'Good. I know just where to pull over between here and the school for you to change into the real dress waiting for you in the car trunk,' he said. 'I'm taking my camera and I'll snap a few shots of you so we can have something precious to remind us of our special secret.'
"He came over and touched my hair and stood there looking down at me. For the first time, I felt myself cringe inside. I was afraid he might sense it, too, but he didn't.
"'You're so pretty. My special little girl,' he said, leaning down to kiss me on the cheek before he lef
t, closing the door softly behind him.
"It still took a great deal of effort for me to gather enough enthusiasm to bathe, do my hair and dress, but I did. I moved like someone just going through the motions, someone in a daze.
"However, when I put on that dress my mother had bought and insisted I wear, I stared at myself and just started to giggle and giggle. It was like a dam had broken. In fact, I was a lot like I had been at Kelly's house after I had drunk too much rum. I couldn't stop laughing. Tears rolled down my cheeks. My chest and my ribs ached so much, it actually frightened me, but I couldn't stop.
"I tried holding my breath. That didn't work either. My lungs just burst, leaving me gasping for air. My legs gave out and I sat on the bathroom floor. My sitting there with the skirt of that dress all around me oozing green struck me even funnier, I guess, because I laughed harder. It was maddening. My peals of laughter were interspersed with dry heaves. My entire insides felt like they were in rebellion. I thought my whole body might come up and out of my mouth, including my lungs and my heart. It would all spill out on the floor."
"Ugh," Misty cried.
"Yes," I said nodding. "My thoughts were disgusting, but I couldn't stop that either. I'm actually leaving out half of it," I told her.
"Forget that. What did you do?" Jade asked. She looked like she understood the madness that had taken control of me, like she'd felt it herself before and she wanted to know how I had handled it. She was leaning forward, practically ready to lunge off her seat at my response.
"I tried to stand by reaching up to the sink and pulling myself to my feet. When my hand slipped off the ceramic, I broke into another fit of hysterics. It was as if the bathroom was coming alive and every part of it, every fixture, was trying to avoid me like I was contaminated or something or maybe, shocked by what I looked like in the 'perfect party dress.'
"My laughter seemed to come from a lower and lower place in my body now. It rolled up in small, thunderous peals, flowing through my throat and echoing in my mouth and my ears. I was on all fours, crawling, and that made me laugh harder. Everything I did, every thought I had, every breath I could take, brought a new surge of hysterics.
"I was afraid it was never going to end. It was like having the hiccups and doing everything possible to stop them, but nothing works, know what I mean?"
They all nodded quickly, especially Jade.
"I crawled up to my bedroom door, the door that was always supposed to be closed. That struck me funny, too: always supposed to be closed. I might die in here before I can get to the door, I thought, but my mother would think that's fine. It was proper.
"I reached the knob and turned it, falling back as I did so. There I was on my back on the bedroom floor, my arms out, looking up at my ceiling again. I was laughing loudly now. My whole body trembled so much, I thought I must be shaking the whole house.
"Yet, neither my father nor my mother heard me. My mother was running the vacuum cleaner downstairs. I turned myself over on my stomach and I crawled out of my bedroom. My laughter stopped for a few moments and I caught my breath and thought it might be over. Whatever it was might be done, but when I reached the top of the stairway and looked down those steps, I started to giggle again.
"I reached out and put my hands down on the next step and then I began to slide, laughing as I did so. My mother must have finally heard something strange. She flipped off the vacuum cleaner and listened and then went into the living room where my father was watching television.
"'Turn that down,' I heard her say. I was halfway down the stairs on my stomach. He did what she demanded and they both listened.
"Moments later they were at the foot of the stairs, looking up at me, both their faces so twisted and confused by the sight of me, which of course, struck me funny.
"'What are you doing?' my mother screamed. 'You're ruining your new dress. What are you doing?'
"'I'm going to the dance, Mother,' I said. I slid down another step or two. 'I know you're not happy about it, but I'm on my way,' I added and I laughed and laughed until I missed a step with my hand and tumbled to my right, over on my shoulder and then my whole body seemed to rise and float as I did a somersault, landing on my back and crying out.
"In seconds I was at their feet. They both looked so surprised and shocked. I wanted to laugh again, but the pain was too sharp.
'My God,' my mother said bringing her hand to her mouth, 'what's wrong with her? Is she. . . drunk?'
"She knelt down to smell, twitching her nose like a squirrel. I closed my eyes on her face, choked on a chuckle that was caught in my throat, and passed out.
"When I woke up, I was in an ambulance on my way to the hospital.
"And you know what? I was still wearing that ridiculous party dress," I said. "I guess I babbled quite a bit, revealing enough to draw the paramedic's attention and concern.
"At the hospital emergency room, they put me through some Xrays and examined me before they gave me a sedative. I slept through the remainder of the night and when I woke in the morning, my mother was sitting at my bedside staring out the window. She had her chin resting on her open palm and her elbow against her body. She looked so thoughtful and for a moment, so much younger than she was. Actually," I said glancing at Doctor Marlowe, who knew it all of course, "I didn't recognize her."
"Didn't recognize your own mother?" Misty asked. "Why not?"
"At the time I didn't even recognize myself," I replied.
Misty scrunched her nose and her eyebrows dipped toward each other.
"I don't remember this part well, but my mother does. She knows every moment of it by heart and recites it from time to time, reminding me what I put her through:'
"Huh?"
"Let her talk," Jade stammered, her hands clenched into fists and resting on her knees. Misty sat back quickly. "'Where am I?' I asked my mother.
"She dropped her hand and turned to me. Her face aged back to where it should be in seconds.
"'You're in the hospital,' she said. 'You passed out at home. They gave you tests and found nothing wrong with you, but you said things.'
"'What things?'
"'I don't know everything exactly, something about lessons, and now you're . . .' She looked around the room. 'You're on the mental health floor. You're here for observation and there will be a doctor, a psychiatrist, and maybe someone else coming to speak to you. It's horrible. It's all just so horrible.'
"'What is?' I cried.
"She shook her head and sighed deeply. I studied her and tried to remember, but it was as if a thick concrete wall had fallen around my memory.
"'Who are you?' I finally asked her.
"'What?' she said stepping back. 'What did you say?'
I looked around the room and then at her.
"'I don't know why I'm here,' I said.
"'What are you talking about?' She stared at me. 'What are you doing?' she asked, her voice shrill. 'I'm going to get your father,' she added as if it was some kind of threat.
"'My father?' I asked, a little frantic. Butterflies had begun to flutter in my chest and I didn't know why.
"'He's downstairs in the cafeteria. He's having coffee and something to eat. Do you want to tell me why you're acting like this? Do you want to tell me what all this means before these strangers start to ask you questions?'
"'I don't know,' I said turning away from her. can't remember anything.'
"She stood up and hovered over me for a few moments.
"'I don't know what's wrong with you. I was going to let you go to the dance. I bought you a dress for it.' "'A dress? Yes, I remember a dress.'
"'It's ruined,' she said. She shook her head. 'What are you doing?'
"I was scrubbing my arms and my breasts, wiping something away.
"'I don't know,' I said and looked around the room again. 'Am I supposed to be here? What am I supposed to do? Can't you tell me who I am?'
"'Oh dear,' she said and turned. She looked like she wanted to flee. At the d
oor she paused to look back at me. 'I don't know why you're doing this,' she repeated and left.
"I just closed my eyes and I fell back to sleep and when I woke again, I was alone in my room.
"I lay there quietly, my mind so full of blanks I struggled to remember, fought with every letter, every word that flowed through my mind. It was very scary. I felt like everything was just inches from me, but I couldn't reach anything. I felt like I was dangling. There was nothing below and nothing above me.
"Finally, a kind-looking older man in a white lab coat came in with a young nurse at his side. He introduced himself as Doctor Finnigan and the nurse as Mrs. Jenner.
"'Why am I here?' I asked him 'I can't remember my name either.'
"'You've suffered a traumatic experience,' he began. 'From what we can tell, it's not a single, explosive experience. You're not physically hurt in any way, but you've still suffered severely enough to cause a condition of generalized amnesia. These things don't last. Don't worry,' he assured me. 'I would like to try some hypnotism,' he concluded.
"'Hypnotism? You're going to hypnotize me?'
"'I think it might help. It won't hurt you in any way,' he promised.
"He did have a very kind face, soft blue eyes and gently curved lips.
"He asked me to concentrate hard on this small disc he took out of his lab coat pocket and began to spin, and then . .
"What?" Misty asked.
"I don't know. I woke up confused again, only this time, I felt as if I was coming out of the darkness into the light. I must have been sleeping because it was much later in the day. Mrs. Jenner was there. She asked me how I was and I said, 'I'm fine.' I told her I was hungry and she laughed and went to get me something to eat.
"Doctor Finnigan returned, too, only I didn't remember him immediately. However, I remembered everything else. It came back to me in waves and waves of pictures and thoughts. He introduced himself again.
"'Why am I in a hospital?' I asked him.
Cat Page 11