by Lilly Wilder
“Rene, are we going out?”
Rene heard Parker’s sweet, pleading voice, and she immediately smiled back at him.
“Of course, sweetie. Let me just grab my sweater.”
Chapter 5
Rene woke up with a stiff neck before she could even open her eyes. She reached out to massage the back of her neck, and a strange sight opened before her eyes. She was still at Hyde’s place, reclining on his sofa in his living room.
“Oh, crap!” she exclaimed quickly, nervously.
Frantically, she scanned the familiar room for her phone and realized it was right next to her on the little coffee table. She grabbed it as if her life depended on this action, and checked the time. It was morning, almost 8 am.
She looked around. Thin strips of sunlight were oozing through the big windows, illuminating the room. A few of Parker’s toys were still lying on the ground from last night. She couldn’t believe what happened. She fell asleep there? How on earth was she going to explain this to Hyde? And where was he?
Rene got up, feeling a little dizzy. Before she could take another step towards the door, she heard soft footsteps, as if someone was sneaking over here.
“Well, good morning, sleepy,” Hyde’s voice was gentle and she didn’t even need to look at him to know that he was smiling.
She glanced up with some effort, seeing him in red and white checkered house pants and a plain white t-shirt. Those seemed to be his favorite for lounging at home. She on the other hand, was still wearing clothes from the previous day.
“I’m so sorry, I don’t know what happened,” she started off with an apology, knowing that no matter what happened, this couldn’t leave a good impression on her employer.
A nanny falling asleep in her employer’s home. Holy crap on a stick. That was what Alice would say.
“Coffee?” he kept on smiling at her, offering her a cup of that heavenly beverage.
“Thank you,” she nodded, noticing that he approached her, then sat down next to her on the sofa. “Did I fall asleep?”
He waited a second or two to answer, and she took this to be a bad sign. She was sure he was about to fire her. She would fire herself if she was in his shoes. Of course he should fire her. She’d have to find a new job and do this whole shit all over again, just when she was starting to…
“It’s all my fault really,” he said, interrupting her train of thought.
“Wait, what?” she wondered, bewildered by this beginning of his explanation.
“I came home about 2 hours ago,” he told her calmly. “I missed the evening flight and had to catch the red eye. I barely slept, as you can imagine. I sent you a message, but I guess you were already asleep by that time. When I finally got home, you were sleeping so sweetly, that I didn’t have the heart to wake you. At least some of us should wake up all rested.”
As he spoke, she could hear a tone of satisfaction in his voice. He sounded happy. Why was he so happy? Was it because she was here? It was silly. Of course she should be here. It’s her job. She was just trying to convince herself that she heard something in his voice, something more than mere employer’s satisfaction at a job well done.
“Oh, good,” she couldn’t resist sighing with relief.
“Why?” he asked, grinning.
“I thought this was somehow my fault and you’d be firing me now,” she replied, feeling a lightening of her mood.
“Firing you?” he repeated, pretending to be in shock. “Not in a million years!” he assured her.
“Well, you’re saying that now…” she giggled in response.
“You have no idea how difficult it was finding someone Parker would approve of,” he explained.
She was happy to hear that, but a part of her wanted to hear that he had a say in the matter, too. She wanted him to let her know that he wanted her to be here, as well.
“And, now that we have you here, don’t even think you’ll be able to get away from us any time soon,” he resounded cheerfully.
No matter how much she enjoyed talking to him, she knew that this was highly inappropriate. She had to go home. She didn’t even know which day it was. Was she supposed to come back here or not? It took a second to realize that it was Friday the day before, so today being Saturday, she needed to go home and do whatever it was she did on Saturdays.
Not wanting to offend him, she quickly gulped down her coffee, and then stood up to go.
“I guess I should be heading home now,” she started, “it’s the weekend, and the last thing I want to do is take up your time…”
“Do you have any plans for today?” he suddenly asked.
He was doing that thing he usually does when he’s a little nervous, scratching the back of his head, as a few of his tresses fell in his eyes. His muscular arms were right there, in plain view and, for a second, she wondered what it would be like to have them wrapped around her body. She wondered what the melody of his beating heart was. Did it beat as quickly as hers when they were together? Or did it follow the unburdened rhythm of indifference?
“Plans?” she repeated.
Of course she didn’t have any plans. She spent her Saturdays trying to find that second job, which she was having no luck with. Her Caprice would die any day now and she’d be left stranded, or forced to take those horrid buses or trains downtown. The thought made her sick.
“No plans,” she shook her head.
He didn’t need to know how desperate she was, in what financial need. She was already a month late with her payment, and that was bad enough. She knew they wouldn’t wait much longer, and her poor, demented mother would be out in the street, instead of in that nice home for the elderly where they were trained to take care of people with such disabilities. It broke her heart to think that her mother might have to leave the place she’d grown to call her home for the last five years, just because her daughter wasn’t capable of making enough money to cover the expenses of that facility.
“No plans whatsoever,” she shook her head again, more fervently.
“Then, maybe you’d like to join us for a picnic today?”
His offer was a total shot in the dark. He had no idea how she would react to this, and in all honesty, neither did she. This was new territory for both of them, showing interest in someone after a long time, and neither wanted to make it uncomfortable for the other.
“For a picnic?” she repeated.
“Yes,” he quickly replied, explaining, “I planned this with Parker, but he suggested to ask you to join us and it’s actually a great idea.”
“Parker wants me there?” she asked, touched by the boy’s sweet gesture.
“He said so himself. I think if he was up now, he’d be asking you that himself.”
She thought about it for a second, wriggling her hands a little nervously. She wanted to come. Her heart fluttered at the idea, especially since Parker wanted her there. But, was it really a good idea? Should she put herself in such a position, tempting herself this way? The answer was obvious and, yet, she chose the opposite.
“Well, um, I guess I could join you, that is, if you’re OK with that,” she answered. “I know you don’t get to spend a lot of time alone with Parker and the last thing I want to do is take that time away from you.”
“You really are something, you know that?” he suddenly told her, as if revealing a secret he could barely believe himself.
“What do you mean?”
Her fidgety fingers calmed down. She wanted to hear what he had to say. What did he mean by that?
“I’ve never met anyone who is as caring as you are,” he admitted.
He sounded sweet and genuine, and she felt a sudden urge to give him a hug. There was nothing sexual about this wish, just a pure desire to enshroud another being with your warmth and show him you care, just the sound of two hearts beating together as one.
“Well, I…” she looked down, blushing a little.
She didn�
��t expect this morning to start or go this way. But, she liked it. She probably liked it more than she should have.
“Thank you,” she managed to mutter.
“There is nothing to thank me for,” he shook his head, “I’m only stating the obvious.”
“I guess that’s what makes me a good nanny,” she tried to revert to a safe topic, which in this case would be her job.
This also served as a reminder to both of them that their relationship was primarily professional, and they shouldn’t cross that boundary, under any circumstances.
“Do you have any kids of your own?” he asked.
She was a little taken aback by this. They still hadn’t discussed their private lives, but then again, this wasn’t something that private either. If she had kids, of course she would easily share this fact.
“No, not yet,” she replied, truthfully.
“But, you plan on having them?” he continued, oblivious to the fact that he might be asking something a little too personal.
“Well, of course,” she shrugged her shoulders helplessly, “everyone does, don’t they?”
“No, not really,” he replied, and she could swear there was a sadness in his voice. “Not everyone does. And only those lucky ones get them. But then, you have to watch out so that something bad doesn’t happen to them, and that is so hard, so very, very hard...”
He was talking, but it seemed that he wasn’t telling her this. His gaze was aimed somewhere far, far away, somewhere where Rene wasn’t allowed to go. His thoughts were traveling far beyond this little room and they envisioned things which Rene didn’t know about.
“Oh, sorry…” he suddenly said, aware that he was starting to make her feel uncomfortable, “don’t mind me, I tend to get these deep, brooding moments where I see only the worst in human kind. Jesse already warned me about this and he also said that I shouldn’t do it anymore.”
“Why?” she asked. “Life isn’t all good, and it’s also not all black and white.”
He eyed her strangely, as if the last thing he expected of her was to agree with him, to understand him. Now, they were on the same wave lengths, their perception of life resounding loudly within the other.
“And, I think that only those who have felt pain and hardship on their skin can truly understand what you mean,” she continued. “I don’t know him at all, but he doesn’t seem like the type of guy who’d know anything about hardship in life.”
“Jesse?” Hyde asked her.
“Yes,” she nodded.
“You’d be surprised,” Hyde revealed to her, realizing exactly why she’d say that. “He just hides it well, but believe me, he’s seen some horrible things. We both have.”
A flash image of Jesse appeared in her mind. Casual, nonchalant, grinning Jesse, always ready to crack a joke. He looked like he didn’t have a care in the world. Still, she knew that some people were better at hiding their emotions than others. It was a skill like any other, a skill one could pick up if he needed to, one she always envied others for.
“I’m sorry to hear that,” Rene sighed sadly, “about both of you.”
“What about you?” he continued. “I can see it in your eyes.”
“What can you see?” she wondered.
“Life hasn’t been easy for you either.”
“Well, is there anyone in this world who can say that?” she asked, trying to detach herself from the answer, but it was obvious that he was able to read her like an open book.
She didn’t like that. She wanted to keep her secrets hers, locked up in her closet. She didn’t want help. She hated it when others assumed that she needed help, that she expected to get it just because she was a girl. She absolutely hated that.
“No, but you didn’t let it crush you,” he continued, speaking slowly and deliberately, as if he wanted to make sure that she understood exactly what he was trying to say with this.
“I’ve seen too many crushed people,” she told him, “I realized I never wanted to become like that.”
“That’s a good decision,” he nodded, “a tough decision.”
“What about you?” she dared poke the sleeping lion.
If he was allowed to ask these kinds of questions, why wouldn’t she be? Same rules applied for everyone - that was what she always believed.
“What about me?” he repeated the question, playing dumb.
“You appear to be sad sometimes,” she mentioned, hoping she didn’t step over the line.
His brows came together in a frown and his lips pressed against each other. That lasted only for a few seconds, then his face relaxed once again. He wasn’t smiling, but he wasn’t frowning either.
“Sometimes, I can feel my bones straining under the heavy weight of all the mistakes I’ve made,” he told her in what appeared to be the utmost confidence. “It’s a feeling I can’t escape. When that sadness washes over me, no matter how many deep breaths I take, that heavy feeling doesn’t go away. It never fully disappears, I think. It just hides for a while, lays low, then comes back with a vengeance when you least expect it.”
Listening to him, she could feel her own heart aching. What could be those mistakes he was talking about? His divorce or was he talking about something else? She wanted to hug him, to wrap her arms around him and tell him everything would be alright.
Neither of them spoke. In a world that never seemed to stop talking, Rene welcomed this sudden silence. That was when she was able to hear, really hear the person sitting next to her or across from her. That was when the words previously said had their biggest power. Silence is never empty, it is never a cause of separation on its own. It was us who made it bad, who made it negative. The essence of silence was and always would be, to speak when words were unable to convey the message in the right way.
Suddenly, this pregnant silence was broken by the sound of running footsteps, tapping against the hardwood floor. A second later, and a curly head peeped curiously through the door.
“Rene!” Parker shouted, surprised to see her there.
“Good morning,” she smiled back. “Long time no see.”
She and Hyde laughed.
“But, I saw you yesterday,” Parker wondered, and his confusion made the whole thing even funnier.
“No, sweetie, it was just a joke,” Rene walked over to him and caressed his cheek.
“Oh, I see,” Parker smiled. “Are you coming to the picnic?”
“Your father mentioned it to me,” she replied. “If you guys don’t mind me cramping your style, then sure.”
“Can we look for more worms?” Parker started jumping up and down with excitement.
“How about we just play some ball, bud?” Hyde interfered, trying to make this picnic worm-free.
“Either is fine by me,” Rene shrugged her shoulders.
“Worms and ball, yay!” Parker kept jumping, as if he had an invisible source of energy which never died out.
“Let’s have some breakfast first and then head out,” Hyde suggested.
Happy sounds filled up the kitchen and Rene watched as Hyde and Parker ran around the kitchen, grabbing all the ingredients for eggs and bacon, oranges for the juice and bread for the toaster. She couldn’t remember the last time she enjoyed the simplicity of life, the laughter, the smiles, this sophisticated artlessness of what it meant to be truly happy.
Chapter 6
It was about 3 pm, and the day was still sunny and warm. Rene was sitting on a red and white checkered blanket, spread underneath a weeping willow tree in the local park. The mild weather seemed to invite everyone outside on this sunny day. She was watching happy families all around her. The smiling blonde mother with her curly angelic son. The father who, despite a few pounds extra, was doing his best in running after his boy and playing catch with him. The young woman who was reading a book on the bench, as her dog sat obediently by her feet, alert to every single thing that was happening around them.
Parke
r ran back to her, and still breathing heavily from all the running, stopped right before her and offered her his hand.
“Come join us, Rene!”
“Oh, that’s OK,” she smiled back at him, taking his hand, but remaining seated.
Her gaze traveled somewhere behind Parker, trying to find Hyde. He was standing away from them, his hands resting on his hips. Again, she wondered how someone could look so effortlessly gorgeous, without the slightest intention of doing so. The sun rested on his slightly tanned face and his hair flared up like a heat ray, reflecting against the sun. A few casual glances his way didn’t escape Rene. Women were always aware of Hyde’s presence, wherever he went. It wasn’t only her. There was a magnetic attraction about him, an infectious smile, and a radiating beauty that encompassed more than just mere good looks. He was charming in that old school style, which every woman fell for.