by Lacey Dailey
“She came back from the dead, Ace. She was dead and then she wasn’t anymore. I spent so long trying to come to terms with her being gone that when she came back, I was so fucking happy I didn’t consider the state she would be in. She didn’t talk to me. Didn’t touch me. She was entirely different, so I went back to mourning the Sage I knew and tried to figure out how to have a relationship with my new sister. It was the hardest thing I’ve had to endure. And I’m still enduring it. Because the fact is, my sister was dead and now she’s not. It fucked me up. It fucked me up so bad. And all I want is to make sure nobody has to feel what I did. That nobody has to lay across their sister’s empty coffin and pick out a tombstone only for it to be dragged away and her coffin to be dug up.”
Aggressive sobs wracked his body, forcing him to convulse while he choked on his next words. I wanted to tell him to stop. That he didn’t have to say anymore, but somewhere inside I felt he needed this. He needed to say this.
“You were there, crying with a gun to your head while I screamed in panic to get to you. I was an arm’s length away but couldn’t reach you because there was some sort of invisible barrier preventing it. I remember wailing into the wall and clawing at it. I remember the sound the gunshot made and the way your body flailed when it smacked down on the cement. I remember the blood staining my pants when I collapsed next to you and how warm it felt seeping between my fingers. Your brains were splattered across the cement. You were dead, Ace. You were dead until I opened my eyes and you were there!”
The physical pain I was feeling morphed into something excruciating. It derived from the breath I couldn’t seem to catch while I watched the man I loved more than I ever dreamed of fight off buckets of pain. It was bouncing off him and hitting me like bullets through my chest. There was nothing that rivaled the ache that spread throughout my body.
“I felt exactly like I did when it happened with Sage. And I know it wasn’t the same, but my mind had a hard time deciphering that you were there, forcing the reminder on me that I wasn’t going to have to re-meet you the way I did with her. I felt those beats beneath my palm and thought I was going to be okay. I guess when my eyes opened this morning and found you dead asleep, my brain decided to be an asshole. And I thought maybe when you woke up that would be the moment you'd become different. That’d I have to re-introduce myself and we’d start all over. For the second time in twelve hours, I thought I was going to lose you.”
I heard once that the hardest part of being in a relationship was gifting your partner with your presence. Ensuring you made time for them. Taking the cautious consideration to be there for them when they needed you most.
And then I fell in love and now I know the truth. It is not hard to show up for the person you love. Even in the midst of the most painful and important conversation my heart would ever withstand, it wasn’t hard to hold him.
“I just thought if I pretended it never happened, we wouldn’t have to start over.” He sniffed harshly, staring at me with red-rimmed eyes and lips wet from tears. “I know it’s not completely rational. It was just a fucked-up dream, but I don’t want to go backward with you, Ace. I don’t want to go back to a moment where you’re anything less than mine.”
I cupped his beautifully broken face and uttered the absolute truth. “I have always been yours.”
“I love you, Ace.”
My mom told me that when somebody tells you they love you, it’s a reflection of how they see themselves. I wasn’t entirely sure how that worked until I looked up into Brett’s eyes as he breathlessly spoke the three words that changed my life forever and I saw myself swimming in his blue moons.
I discovered right then that when somebody tells you they love you, it’s with the meaning they wouldn’t be themselves without you there to guide them.
Reaching for my hands, he stared deep into my eyes and I knew exactly what he was seeing. Himself.
“I love you too, Brett,” I whispered. “I love you too.”
16
Brett
I noticed the lights first. What appeared to be millions of them lit up the far wall like electric blue fireflies. They started at my feet and extended far above what I could reach. My fingers itched to touch, but I didn’t dare. Idling closer, I heard the faint humming sound of a machine running and knew those lights held a lot of power.
The cement floor beneath my feet was littered with cords, spread across the room like a spider web. Each string of the web was connected to a human who called themselves a hacktivist. I counted thirteen the moment I stepped off an elevator that ran only after Ace extracted a keyboard from the wall and typed in a twenty-letter password.
Those thirteen humans turned into twenty-six eyeballs that studied me for the intruder I was. They were gauging me, waiting for me to react to the place they called home. I walked around myself, logging every detail of the building that housed a handful of heroes the rest of the world had no idea existed.
The concrete walls and lack of windows should’ve made the room feel tight. Claustrophobic. I felt neither of those things while taking in the staircase that led up to a second floor above the fireflies. The two ginormous flat screens mounted into the concrete opposite the staircase left me stunned.
And to the people hovering beside piles of desks, I was captivated. I planted myself firmly in the center, six people on my right, six people on my left, and one standing steadily on a raised platform directly in front of me. A platform all the spider web strings seemed to move back to and find solace in.
I recognized that man for what he was. A leader. Taking in the buzz cut, gauged ears, permanent scowl, and an endless array of tattoos from Ace’s description, I knew he went by Cruz. It’s because of him and a man with lots of money this place even existed. Looking at Cruz, I wasn’t intimidated like Ace warned I might be. I was grateful.
My chest puffed with thanks. With my feet thundering against the ground, I strode toward him and came to a stop at the bottom of some steps. His dark eyes sized me up, big ass biceps flexing like he was trying to decide if he needed to knock me out or not.
“Brett.” Cruz lifted his chin in greeting. “Good to meet you.”
I held out my hand. He hesitated for only a second before extending one of his. The rings he had on his fingers bit into my skin as I squeezed. Our eyes met, and I cleared my throat. “Thank you.”
His chin dipped. After a beat, I dropped his hand and stepped back, noticing thirteen humans still gawking at me like I was the oddest thing they’d ever seen. With a thick swallow, I made my way around the room, holding out my hand and thanking each of them. A few murmured a reply, but most stayed quiet, accepting my offering for what it was; gratefulness.
I had shaken twelve hands when I stepped up to the last member. My sneaker covered toes nudged against the sandals he was wearing with mismatched socks. Tucking a lock of hair behind his ear, I kissed him. “Thank you, baby.” He smiled and cleared his throat, fighting off the thick wave of emotion I’d caused to tunnel through the room.
With a crack of Cruz’s hands smacking together, asses dropped back into chairs and fingers started moving at a speed I didn’t know limbs were capable of. They set aside my moment of gratitude, and I ached for them to remember it was always there. They didn’t hear thanks enough, so I made it my mission right then and there to remind them every so often that the world grew less horrifying each day. All because of them.
“That was quite an impression you made,” Ace teased, relaxing down into the bright red chair perched behind his desk. I grinned when I saw two open bags of Red Vines and a framed photo of the two of us. There was a Mario sticker the size of my hand stuck to the corner of the wood. The under lights of his keyboard glowed crimson. His mouse pad was clearly custom made, cheese wheels stamped across it with the question “what’s the best type of cheese?” scrawled across the center. A chuckle bubbled in my throat.
This was the place. This desk was where Ace and Mischief became one and created the m
an I was in love with.
“Mozzarella,” I said, pointing at his mouse pad. “Fresh mozzarella. None of that processed shit.”
His eyes filled with laughter. Long fingers wrapped around a handle in the center of the desk and pulled a drawer open. He dragged out a piece of paper and slapped it on his desk. With the click of his pen, he made a tally next to a few others residing under the word Mozzarella. The drawer slammed shut, and he cleared his throat.
“Mozzarella is up by two points!” he shouted.
The room filled with a mix of protests and cheers. A warm laugh barreled out of me. I wasn’t sure what I was expecting when I was descending in that elevator. Something more like a dungeon with a bunch of people who drew on themselves in permanent marker and scowled like they wanted to rip your limbs off with their teeth.
But the heroes that made up Circuit were just people. People who risked their lives to make a difference in the only way they knew. Standing in their presence, in the heart of their secret, was a true testament of trust. That trust told me I was a lucky man.
“Phantom!” someone shouted.
I whirled around to find my sister, stepping off the elevator and making her way down the center of the room. Her head lifted and white hair fell away from her face like a curtain opening. Bright blue eyes beamed when they saw me standing beside Ace’s desk.
“Brett!” She bounced on her toes and scurried across the floor. “You’re here!”
“I’m here.”
“We wondered if Ace would chicken out. He was sweating so bad the night he left here to tell you.” She shrugged. “I kind of thought he would barf and hide in his bedroom for all of eternity.”
Ace groaned. “Why you gotta do me dirty, phantom girl?”
“I still love you."
“Love you too, but you must leave me alone now.” He lifted my hand and kissed it. “Sorry, boo. Mischief has to go fuck some people up.”
“You do you, babe.” I kissed the top of his head and moved away from him. I wasn’t even a half a step away before his fingers went flying across the keyboard like a tornado.
Sage must’ve noticed my stunned expression. “Yeah, I have no idea how they do it either.” She linked her arm in mine. “Come on. You can help me distribute the snack of the day."
“The snack of the–" It was then I noticed the basket she was carrying, kept covered by a bright blue dishtowel. She pulled it away and I groaned, finding muffins the size of my fist. “Tell me there is extra.”
“I always make extra. Your boyfriend eats baked goods by the pound.”
“You should see him put back doughnuts.”
She chuckled and swatted my stomach. “Walk with me.”
I followed her around while she placed a muffin on the corner of each person’s desk. Wren got a kiss to the cheek and Ace got a flick to the earlobe before she made her way onto the platform with a muffin for Cruz. I had a feeling not a lot of people had stepped onto that platform. I was not the least bit surprised my sister was one of the chosen ones. Her story and her strength was riveting. It was nice to know even a man who held a reputation like his could be transfixed by the girl who came back to life.
“I saved you two,” she announced, saddling up beside me. “Want to go to the loft?”
I peered at the staircase. “That’s what’s up there?”
“Follow me.” We started walking. We made it a few feet before she cleared her throat and shouted. “I’m going to the loft!”
I wondered why she felt the need to announce that until I watched Wren’s thumb fly above his computer screen in response. My stomach tightened with understanding. I could only imagine the fear Wren felt when he looked up and didn’t see her. It also made me feel like I had another human to board the ship of crazy shit your partner made you feel.
When we reached the top of the stairs, I was impressed by the full-sized couch and bean chairs I was met with. On the other side of the room was a kitchenette complete with a refrigerator and a microwave. “Damn, this place is insanely dope.”
“Right? I was expecting dirt walls and no place to pee.”
“They have a bathroom in here too?” It made complete sense, but it wasn’t exactly the first thing a man thought of when he stepped inside a James Bond movie.
“It’s behind the elevator. Has a shower and everything.”
“Huh. Well, call me jiggered.” I made myself at home on the couch and studied my sister as she opened and closed cabinets, making notes into her phone. It wasn’t until she made a noise of frustration at the lack of contents in the refrigerator that I understood. “Are you making a grocery list?”
“Well, somebody has to feed them! How the hell are they going to save the world if they are all dead from malnutrition?”
“So, you’re like the den mother or something?”
“Brett.” She tucked her phone into her back pocket and spun around to smirk at me. “They are criminals. Not boy scouts.”
That made me laugh.
She skipped over and sat beside me, plopping the muffins on the space between us. I thrust my hand in the basket and peeled off the paper with eager fingers. “I should hang here more often if it means free food.”
She shoved my shoulder. “So, what was your reaction when Ace told you?”
“When he told me he was Mischief or when he told me Kade Wilson was fucking with him?” A year ago, I would’ve never said his name in front of her. But I made a promise to her after she met Wren that I’d stop filtering myself around her in fear I’d upset her. In return, she promised to tell me when something became too much for her to handle.
“Either, I suppose.”
“Well.” I picked a crumb off my lap. “I was shocked at first. Had a real hard time wrapping my mind around it. When he told me about Kade, I got super fucking pissed and super fucking scared.”
“He can’t get out, Brett.” Sage’s voice was firm and harsh. “Circuit is tapped into every security cam in Terre Haute. They can find him for you in three-seconds if you need to see him locked up.”
I nodded. Ace told me that much. “I don’t really want to see him, Sage. Honestly, that man provokes hot rage to coil inside me.” I couldn’t be held responsible for the reaction my brain produced when looking at that man. Even if it was just on a flat screen. Just thinking about it gave me an urge to send a bullet straight through the display.
“I understand.” She took a small bite into her own muffin. “I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you.”
“Don’t.” Using my tongue, I scraped muffin from the roof of my mouth. “Don’t apologize for protecting the people that saved you.”
“Ace was beside himself, ya know? Keeping the secret was hurting him.” She placed her hand over mine. “I’m glad you know. Even if it was hard to hear.”
I snorted. “That’s a bit of an understatement.”
Worry moved across her face in an instant. I wanted to punch myself for being the cause. “What happened?” Her mouth formed a small circle as she sat there, waiting for me to unlock the floodgates.
I fought the urge to deflect and re-route. I despised the notion that Kade was still hurting her by using the ones she loved. I ached to pretend I never blurted those words in order to protect her from the weight they may have caused. But then I remembered my promise. With a garbled breath, I started talking.
“I had a nightmare Ace died right in front of me.” I stared into the room, looking out over the loft. “I woke up, a gallon of my sweat had soaked the sheets. He was sitting on top of me with tears running down his face, shaking the shit out of me in desperation. It was scary, Sage. I scared him so bad. Fuck.” I dragged my hand down my face. “I scared myself.”
She slid an inch closer and shocked me by turning her hand over and linking our fingers. I sat there and held her hand the way we used to when we were kids. My hand was two times the size of hers, and the awkward angle was hurting my wrist, but you’d never hear me bitch. Her haphephobia didn’t affect he
r like it used to, but she rarely touched anybody except Wren on a daily basis. It was a huge moment. My baby sister was giving me all the comfort she could physically muster.
“What happened?” Her hand tightened. “Did he calm you down?”
“Yeah. It took a while, but he calmed me down and I fell back asleep. I woke up yesterday morning ready to forget the whole thing but Ace did not let that happen.”
She made a noise of satisfaction.
“I ended up admitting I was scared to lose him the way I lost you. I cried and told him I loved him. And maybe it was way too soon. We haven’t been dating that long, but I really think I fell in love with him a long time ago. I just didn’t recognize it for what it was.”
“I assume he said it back.”
My cheeks heated. “Yeah.”
The three words burst from my chest sounding like a broken plea. I stood in front of him, shaking in fear that he’d see me for the hot mess I was and run miles away. The moments of silence that followed my confession brought tantalizing fear. I’d never felt anything so gripping. But then again, there had never been anything in my life that meant more to me than him. My love for Ace was all consuming. Every second I spent as his, it grew so strong, I was convinced the feeling would completely take me over.
“I’m super happy for you, Brett. I’m sorry you had to experience a nightmare to get there.”
I lifted my shoulders in a quick shrug. “I’m just glad he knows.”
“Are you okay now? Do you want to talk about it?”
“I love you, sis. But once was enough.”
“I can absolutely relate.” Her voice brought light to all darkness that wormed its way inside me when she went missing. “So, what happened after you told him you loved him? No, wait. Ick. Don’t answer that.”