by Lacey Dailey
“I’m ready now,” I announced, staring at the waves rippling with the wind. “To be honest, I wasn't sure I’d ever make it here. But I’m ready to let go now.” I yanked out pieces of grass and twirled them around my fingers. “I’m sorry it took me so long to get here. I was struggling a lot.” When my fingertip started to turn purple, I unwound the grass and rubbed it between my palms. “I couldn’t comprehend it. I guess maybe, on some level, I still can’t. Not what happened to you, but why it did. But some questions aren’t meant to be answered, and I’ve learned to live with that.” I used the back of my hand to wipe away a tear. “I’m sorry, dad. I’m so fucking sorry for saying what I did. For hating you for no reason. For spending half my life tarnishing the man you were when I should've known better.”
Forgiving oneself was a million times more challenging than forgiving another person. It wasn’t always something people had experience with. The steps were less clear and at certain times, it felt next to impossible. I managed it, but that was only after fighting it so harshly. Forgiving didn’t mean I was forgetting. Because I refused to let myself forget what I’d done. Acceptance of that made it easier to look in the mirror and forgive myself for the reactions I had based on what wasn’t even true. I granted myself forgiveness because of that and spent weeks working up the courage to ask for forgiveness from one more person.
“I hope you forgive me. I hope you know how sorry I am.” I opened my palm and let the wind pick up the pieces of grass and spread them throughout the river. “I hope you’re looking down on me and can see the truth. I hope you’re proud of what I’ve become, and I hope you’ll accept my apology and believe me when I say I never stopped loving you.”
Bending my legs, I rested my forearms against my knees and leaned forward, getting as close to the edge of the river as I could without plunging in. “I hope you’ve been watching me. I hope you’re proud of who I’ve become and who I’ve chosen to give my heart to.”
Brett Maddison was a dream. In the weeks that passed after I learned the truth, I fell madly in love with him. More so than I already was. He kept his promise. He stayed with me through all of the sudden hurt, jolts of anger, and moments of confusion. He sat with me and held my hand when my brain was too busy to form actual words. He was next to me each morning I opened my eyes. He felt like a dream, but the love I held for him was more real than anything I’d ever experienced.
“Ya know, when I came out to mom, I wondered what you would think. Part of me knew deep down you wouldn’t care which gender I was chasing after in school. You’d give hell to anybody I brought home either way. I’m sorry you never got the chance to give Brett that stern look you used to give me when I was being a little shit. I’m sorry you never got that 'dad' moment. I’m sorry it was stolen from you. I’m sorry a lot of those moments were stolen from you.”
I stared off into the water and marveled at how peaceful I felt. I’d worried for weeks coming here would feel less like I was floating and more like I was stuck in a current and couldn’t get out. I was enamored with how okay I felt.
“I wish you could’ve come to high school graduation. Man, did I worry I wasn’t gonna make it. But if you were watching, I’m sure you were thinking the same thing.” I smiled a little. “Thank God for massage therapy and Randall Hardwood. I know you’re happy I have a career I’m so proud of. Maybe you can work some magic and make sure they’ll take me back.”
I hadn’t been to work in a month. I tried to keep going a few days after I left my mom’s house hand in hand with Brett. I only made it until lunchtime before my brain took over and became too busy to focus properly. I realized I needed time to process. Time to heal. Time to mourn. I took a leave of absence from both the Spa and Circuit. It was a choice I regretted for the first couple of weeks, but realized shortly after that I’d never be able to help others if I couldn’t help myself.
“If you’ve been watching me like I think you have then you know about what else I do. The other role I play. And please don’t be worried. Worried that I’ll get caught or somehow end up like you. What I do may be illegal, but I am not a criminal. I am not Kade Wilson.”
Those words felt so fucking freeing.
“I hope you see that. See that Mischief only helps people. And I want you to know he may have been created in spite of you, but he will transcend because of you. Because people like you get hurt by people like Kade every day and it isn’t fair. I will risk myself for those people. Put myself on the line if it means a better world. If it means another little boy gets to keep his father. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to save you back then. But every save I make from here on out is for you. A form of justice."
Oddly enough, the last person Circuit got justice for was me. Though I wasn’t there, Wren kept me updated with frequent texts, selfies of him and Diet Coke, and pictures of No First Name Cruz looking pissed off. My family down in Circuit land found the guy Kade was paying to email me and discovered I wasn’t the only person he was in contact with. Not only did they report the man on Kade’s payroll, the IP addresses on all the emails gave away the location of two of his crooks. Two more men we were able to put in handcuffs.
I’m not sure I’ll ever know why Kade weaseled his way into my life. Why he had to make his presence known the way he did. Sage suggested he did it because it bugged him I couldn’t acknowledge who he was. That I wasn’t under his power or threatened by what he was capable of. So, he did what he did best and upheaved my life before the people who loved me and cared about me molded it back to its original form. It wasn’t exactly the same, but I liked this version better. The version where I not only was in possession of the truth but had learned to accept it. And even forgave the woman who kept it from me.
The sound of heavy footsteps intruded on my thoughts. The dirt crunched beneath the tennis shoes on his feet as he made his way down the hill, toward me and the edge of the river. I felt his weight collapse to the ground behind me. His legs and arms came around to enclose me in his warmth. It was when his lips fluttered across the base of my neck that I understood. Understood what he meant when he said I was his revival.
His touch alone pushed air back into me. He kept me from floating too high or falling too low. He grounded me. Kept me rooted in him. He saved me. Exactly like he promised he would.
I turned my head and caught his lips. “Hi.”
“Hi.”
“You found me.”
“I did.” He nodded slowly. “How you doing out here?”
“Pretty great, actually.”
Cheeks rose high on his face with his smile. “Yeah?”
“Yeah.” I kissed him again, rubbing my nose in his scruff. “How was your third day?”
“Same as the last two. Brutal, but very worth it.”
“You want to go home? Eat something? Lay down?”
“Ace, I’m fine,” He grumbled. “Basic training was not designed to kill people.”
“I don’t believe that for even a second. You basically crawled home yesterday.”
For the last three days, my man has woken up at the ass crack of dawn and driven forty minutes to the Northern Virginia Criminal Justice Training Academy to get his ass whooped for eight hours straight. He came home exhausted but with a smile on his face I thought to be pride. I was so fucking happy for him, I couldn’t even be jealous of the people who got to see him hot and sweaty all day.
“Well, we all can’t save the world using just our fingertips and a keyboard.” He tugged a lock of my hair playfully. “Besides, I have a hot masseuse boyfriend to help me loosen up my muscles.”
“Brett!” I gasped dramatically and swatted his arm. “My dad is listening.”
His face paled like my dad was actually standing a foot away, ready to rip him a new one. “Sorry,” he mumbled.
I chuckled and let my head fall back against his shoulder. “I think he likes you.”
“I sure hope so.”
I laced our fingers together. “I was telling him about M
ischief.”
“Yeah?”
“I think I’m gonna call Cruz tomorrow. And the Spa.”
I felt his smile against my cheek. “That’s so damn great, baby. Proud of you.”
A rush of air left my lungs. I sunk deep into his arms and sat with him while I finished talking to my dad. Brett listened while I rambled and babbled, not leaving out any details of a story I relived. When I was done, I stood up and linked my arm with Brett’s, resting my head on his shoulder and promising my dad I’d return.
As I turned my back to the river, I let go of what I thought was an ending and welcomed a brand-new beginning.
Epilogue
BRETT
Several Months Later…
What if he says no?
In all the moments leading up to this one, I was pretty fucking positive he would say yes, but since the second I opened my eyes this morning, all I'd been able to consider was what would happen if he said no. I rubbed my palms up and down the thighs of the slacks I was wearing. My right knee was bobbing ferociously while a ring box was perched on my left knee. My tie felt too tight. My socks were filled with sweat. The ring looked smudged, and I was counting back from one hundred to allow myself a moment to get my shit together.
Hiding in my bathroom while slumped on a toilet fully dressed, wiping sweat from behind my ears wasn't exactly how I planned to begin the evening, but my nerves got the best of me. I hadn't panicked even once since I'd bought the ring. But this morning self-doubt just crept right into bed with me and bit me square on the ass.
Self-doubt was a bitch.
"Brett Daniel Maddison!" Three loud knocks shook the bathroom door. "Let's go! Holy goat balls you're going to be late for your own damn dinner!"
I shot to my feet and stuffed the ring in my pocket, smoothing out the tie that was not at all wrinkled. I used our hand towel to soak up the drops of sweat and plastered a smile on my face. Yanking open the door, I came face to face with the man that had me tied up in knots and bundles of nerves.
"Finally! Let's go, B." His eyes filled with heat. The tip of his tongue ran slowly across his top lip as he took in the visual of me in a suit. "You look yummy. Why have you been hiding in here and not allowing me more seconds to perv on you?"
I chuckled and leaned forward, kissing him slowly. "You look a million times hotter. Fucking Christ, how did you even get those pants on?"
They were leather and so fucking sexy I wanted to drop to my knees just to lick them. He looked like the troublemaker he was in those leather pants coupled with a white dress shirt and a black vest. His hair fell in loose strands around his shoulders and he had on black boots I wanted to feel digging into my back later. Ace Jackson was hella sexy, and he was all mine. Forever. Just as long as he said yes.
"No idea, but it might take Vaseline or a big tub of butter to get them off." He patted my chest. "You can get creative later. We needed to leave ten minutes ago. Who the hell shows up late to their own graduation dinner?"
"At least I didn't show up late to the actual graduation."
He crossed his arms over his chest and widened his stance, studying me. "You don't show up late for anything."
I bopped his nose. "A, we aren't going to be late." I took his hand and tugged him from the bathroom, pulling him behind me. I swallowed thickly and forced the rest of my nerves out of my body. Ace could read me from a mile away.
He spun me around and palmed my hips. "Why are you being weird?"
"I'm not being weird."
"Brett, graduation is over. You did it. You'll be getting your badge in no time. There's no need to be nervous."
I smiled, letting him believe he hit the nail on the head. "I know. Just feels too good to be true, ya know? Twenty weeks just sort of flew right by me in a haze. Like I woke up at graduation, not really knowing how I got there so quick."
That part wasn't just added for his benefit. It was all facts. Basic training kicked my ass for twenty weeks. I got barely a week's reprieve before I threw myself into an additional fourteen weeks of specialized criminal investigation training. The last eight months consisted of training, napping, and all things Ace Jackson. There were several moments I got pissy and sleep deprived, but ultimately, not a day went by where I wasn't a million times positive I'd made the right choice for myself. Each month that passed, I looked back and was nothing but pleased with the progress I made. This morning, I stood at my completion ceremony with a swelled chest. As my supervisor addressed the crowd, I closed my eyes and made myself feel the gratification, just for the sake of feeling it. Just because I'd spent so long without it, and I no longer wanted it to be a stranger. Just because I'd gotten through the program with commitment, grace, and soul-deep determination.
Living, trying, and giving in a world that doesn’t always treat you right held a certain expectation to it. A task some weren’t prepared to tackle. Over a year ago, I wasn’t prepared to even get out of bed. Now, I was well on my way to living, trying, and giving for a world that was strong enough to stay standing after all the blows it’d taken.
Being proud of myself felt incredible. There was no self-doubt coming to tackle that.
But there was no contest compared to the way I started to float when I saw the smile on Ace’s face and the sheen of moisture in his eyes when they called my name. He cupped his hands around his mouth and screamed for me, bouncing on his toes in delight. Not giving a shit who might’ve seen, I flashed my guy a wink and gave him a hell of a lot more when we got home.
“Well.” He adjusted my collar and picked an imaginary piece of lint from my shoulder. “If they didn’t kill you every day for eight months, you might remember the experience.”
“It’s so cute when you get all growly and protective.” I kissed his head and patted his ass. “Let’s go.”
He followed me out the door and into the stairwell. We took the stairs two at a time, holding hands the way we always we did. When we pushed out on the street, he lifted our hands and kissed all my knuckles while gazing around. As if having his lips on my skin was an afterthought. Something he needed and felt as natural to him as breathing.
Fuck. I loved him so much.
“Baby, come with me.” I tugged at his hand.
He frowned and nudged his head. “The restaurant is the other way.”
“I know. I gotta grab something first.”
“You’re the guest of honor, Brett. You don’t need to bring anything.”
“This will take like a second. Come on.”
He flailed his body in some sort of miniature tantrum and let out a noise. “Fine.”
He sighed like it was a major inconvenience to his life but the shine in his eyes told me it wasn’t. I squeezed his hand and led him a few blocks from our apartment, thankful the sun was keeping the air around us warm.
When we were standing in front of Dunkin Donuts a few minutes later, staring at the credit union, he gave me the look.
Not a look.
But the look.
“Really?” he deadpanned. “This is where you needed to go?”
I lifted my shoulder in a shrug and looked both ways before starting across the street. “I forgot my charger cord.”
“Your–" He shook his head. “Your charger cord?”
“Yeah. Can’t find it. I think I left it here last night.”
“Then borrow mine!” He burst out. “Lord Almighty, B! Everybody you know is inside that restaurant waiting to celebrate you. Who the hell you need to call?”
I turned around and flashed him a smile. “Ghostbusters.”
He swatted the back of my head.
I chuckled and slid my hand from his, wrapping my fingers around the door handle. My pointer finger made contact with the hidden sensor I’d only recently learned about. When the locks disengaged, I pulled open the door and gestured for him to go first.
“After you, baby.”
He stomped past me and punched the elevator arrows. I hustled to catch up with him and slipped an
arm around his waist from behind, kissing his neck.
“You're not mad at me, are you?”
“You know I’m not.” He nuzzled into my touch. “Just don’t understand why you need your charger cord at this very moment. Tonight is supposed to be all about you.”
And I wanted it to be about us. Which was exactly why we were here. Because I wanted every single night going forward to be all about us.
It was a coalescing of a million small moments over the last eight months that compiled into a realization that any life without Ace just wasn’t livable. I couldn’t actually remember the last time I’d been able to picture my existence without his tied to it. He was as much a part of me as my heart or my lungs. He was essential. A necessity to life. The man I was with him was the man I wanted to be all the time.
The elevator doors slid open, and we stepped inside. A nerve-wracking sensation took over my body, and I did my best to ignore it. I distracted myself by swatting away Ace’s hands from the keyboard that slid out from the wall. With a smug smile, I typed in my password.
“You think you’re so cool.” He laughed, leaning against me as we descended. “You’ve had that password for months.”
“It never gets old.”
“No. It doesn’t.”
My password and honorary code name came on the heels of Ace’s return. I stood next to his desk, attempting a chill persona while Cruz and the crew discussed code names for me. In the end, it was Ace who’d chosen for me. A name I loved almost as much as I loved him.
Revival.
The man I morphed into while I stood beside him was a man I was desperate for people to see and recognize. A version of myself that felt more natural than any version I’d been before. I wasn’t a completely new man. Just one who was enhanced. Brought back to life by love.