“Checking you’re okay,” Henry said in that good-natured way that irritated the shit out of me.
The fucking prick was a mobster just like me, but he managed to do everything. He managed to be one of the good guys, had a beautiful wife who loved him like he was her heartbeat, and they had kids.
How foolish of me. I was trying to be like him. I was trying my hand at trying to be like him. I was an idiot to think it would work.
“Get out,” I barked.
Instead of going through the door, he came in and pulled up a chair.
“Luc’s looking for you.”
“I don’t want to speak to anyone. You guys can just fuck right off.”
Henry knew what had happened. God damn, it was he who went with me to pick the fucking ring. He said the princess cut diamond was Ava to the T. The ring looked like I had it made for her, which was exactly what I wanted to do. But then we saw the ring.
It was sitting there gleaming, glistening, sparkling. Calling to me. Telling me I should give it to my girl. My Angel Doll.
“Claudius, you have to get yourself together. You can’t just sink into this person you’ve become.”
“Henry, my girl just left me. She went to Paris believing I didn’t love her.”
“I don’t get why you didn’t just tell her. Fuck, man, why don’t you just call her now and tell her, or get on a damn plane and go see her?”
All good ideas I’d already contemplated. But I couldn’t do it. “I can’t.”
“Why the hell not?” He shook his dark head and widened his large brown eyes. He was a man of logical. He was good with that shit. He could move from A to B easy because it seemed like the natural way to go, while it looked like the rest of us skipped over the path and tried to make our way back to what made sense from the beginning.
“I didn’t tell her because she wouldn’t have gone, and if I get there… I don’t know… I don’t want to mess things up. I’ll mess things up, Henry. She’s better off without me. I would have stopped her from going. That’s selfish. That’s fucked up.”
His shoulders slumped, and he stood. “I can’t tell you what to do. I’ll tell you this though. It’s better for her to know you love her than not. What’s fucked up is you not doing anything.”
I started laughing. The booze was getting to me.
“It’s all wonderful, all good and well for you to say that, St. Henry. You hypocrite. I’d bet if you were single, you wouldn’t say that shit to me. You’d tell me to grab a few whores and forget Ava. That’s what you’d say.” I took a big gulp of the vodka, and it seared my throat.
“You know what, Claudius? I most probably would tell you that. Maybe that’s the advice you’d also get from Luc. But I’m not single. I’m married, and my wife’s an angel to me, just like your girl is to you. It’s not about what I’d say if things were different; it’s what I’m saying now. And I know I’m right.”
“Yes, St. Henry. Always right. Bet we’ll get to the gates of heaven, and you’ll stand there with your holier-than-thou self singing that fucking song while St. Peter kicks my ass to hell for my badness. Fuck you, all of you. Fuck off and die.”
Yep, I was wasted. He knew that too, but he looked hurt.
Without another word, he walked out and left me.
I drank until I fell asleep and woke up to someone clearing their throat.
Jesus Christ, it was Raphael. Instantly, I shot up out of my chair, bumping into the table and knocking the empty bottles to the ground. One of them smashed when it hit the concrete floor.
“Fucking clean it up and get yourself together!” He flinched.
My head spun and shit, I stumbled and lost my footing, falling flat on my ass like I wasn’t down in the dumps already.
Raphael stomped around to me, eyes wide and feral. I moved to get up, but he back handed me, sending me back to the ground.
His nostrils blazed. “Asshole, what the fuck is wrong with you?”
“Sorry, boss.”
“Sorry? The warehouse got hit last night. The thieves stole ten grand worth of metal. As far as I know, you should have been there. I sent you and Luc to look in on the place. Get your fucking self together and go take a bath. I want names, Claudius.”
“Yes, boss.” I stood up quickly trying to adjust and steady myself.
It was truly laughable. Raphael was tough, but I could have taken him down easily. I never would though. He was my father’s friend and like a father to me.
I moved to the door, but he called me back.
When I turned back to him, I noticed that his expression had somewhat softened.
“I spoke to Henry, and he told me what happened.”
I didn’t exactly feel comfortable talking about Ava to my boss. We didn’t talk about women. I barely did with my father because of the way my mother had abandoned us.
He just saw me with whoever I was with.
“You did the right thing.” He nodded. “Better to let her go. It takes more balls to allow someone you love to leave you than keep them from what they want.”
I observed him. He almost sounded like he was speaking from experience, but I’d never seen him with a woman or a family. I knew we kept our families out of business, but his life was like a sealed book.
“Thank you.” I nodded. I guess his advice was supposed to make me feel better. However, it didn’t.
I left and for the rest of that day, I couldn’t feel myself. It was day two of me not being with Ava, and by evening, I was ready to blow.
I nearly killed the guy Luc and I went to see to collect his substantially large debt to us. Then, when we went to the bar, I headed to get drinks. So many women flirted with me. Too many. If I wanted to, I could have easily got lost in them. But I drank and drank, getting pissed out of my mind. As I drank, I felt eyes on me.
When I looked around to see who the eyes belonged to, I found Marissa staring at me.
She was giving me that look… that predatory, fucking seductive look she always gave me when Ava wasn’t around.
I wouldn’t pretend I didn’t know what she wanted. All this time, I’d ignored it believing she’d get the message that I wasn’t interested and would never be.
She’d never come out and said anything or done anything. I just knew she wanted me.
Here she came, sauntering over to me oozing sass and sex appeal. I’d never seen her at this bar before.
“Claudius,” she cooed. Her smile widened, and it broke my heart.
She wore my Angel Doll’s face, but she wasn’t her. Everything about them to me was different. They might look the very same from the dimple in their left cheeks to the little mole at the edge of their chin, but the differences were as clear to me like night and day.
“Hi.” I tried to sound casual like I was fine, and like I had no feelings seeing her.
Truth be told, my spirit never took to her. It was that thing where she always tried to get me to notice her even though she knew I was with her sister.
I’d be damned if I could do that to Luc.
We’d never been interested in the same woman, but if that day came, being the older brother, I would just step back. Simple, no questions, no comments. That’s what I would do.
Marissa though… damn
“You look terrible.” She smiled. “The single life doesn’t seem to agree with you.” Light laughter escaped her sultry red lips.
Unlike my Ava, Marissa wore either bright or very dark colors. Both looked striking against that platinum blond hair.
She ran her fingers over my shoulder, tracing down to my elbow, lingering there with a cunning smile on her face.
“You want something, Marissa?” I wasn’t in the mood for this shit.
“Claudius, let’s not pretend. You know I want you. Imagine the fun. We’re so much alike. I can’t imagine what the fuck you could have seen in my boring sister. Her with her cookies and stupid fluffy cardigans. Cardigans. Jesus.”
I’d never heard her talk
so crass, so blunt and harsh. And about Ava.
I placed my hand over hers, and she must have thought I was going to give in. Triumph suffused her beautiful face, then defeat as I moved her hand away from me.
“Don’t you ever dare…” I was drunk, but I could manage to put her in her damn place. “Don’t you fucking dare speak about Ava like that again. And don’t try to seduce me. I want her, my Angel Doll. Not you. Stay away from me.”
I didn’t bother to take note of the hurt in her eyes. Hurt mixed with anger. Hot, vile anger of a woman scorned.
I didn’t care. I just grabbed the bottle of Jack D I’d previously ordered and walked away from her.
I started drinking even before I walked out of the bar. Someone was calling me, sounded like that new guy, Dante, but I didn’t stop.
I didn’t want to talk to anyone. Everyone could just fuck off as far as I was concerned.
Once again, I fell asleep. This time, I ended up on a park bench.
A phone call woke me up.
It was Luc, and he was sobbing. He was actually sobbing.
“What the hell’s wrong, man?” Something twisted in my soul. Luc was not the kind of man who cried.
I didn’t think I’d ever seen him cry, much less heard him. I thought he would have cried when Mom left, but he didn’t. Whatever the fuck had happened must have been bad to reduce this guy to tears.
“It’s Henry.” Luc could barely get the words out of his mouth. “He’s dead.”
A stone dropped in the pit of my stomach. “No, what? What are you saying to me?” I bolted upright.
“Henry, Lydia, and the babies. The kids, Claudius. They’re all dead.” Luc sobbed. “My kids, my babies. They always felt like mine.”
There was a cold silence at the end of the line that gripped me, making me feel worse. I shook my head and tried to steady my heart as it threatened to jump out of my chest.
“What happened, Luc?”
“Victor. Victor Pertrinkov.”
Enough said. That animal was a fucking psycho. A fucking psycho who you didn’t want to cross paths with.
“Where are you?”
“Old mental hospital.”
“I’m on my way.”
* * *
By the time I got to Luc, my brother had shaped up.
The place had been blown to smithereens. He told me what happened, and it felt like my whole body shifted out of existence.
We’d known Henry forever. He was the first person we’d met when we came to Chicago years ago. Felt like he was part of my family to some extent.
No, not to some extent.
He was. The man was like a brother to me.
He and his family were like my own too, and if Luc hadn’t killed that bastard, Victor, I would have done it myself. Cut his damn head off so I could make sure he was dead.
Henry was a guy I could trust, and the last thing I said to him when I last saw him was to fuck off and die.
God, I was truly despicable. Disgusting, like I should die.
I couldn’t believe it.
That whole day was grief beyond grief as everyone mourned. A whole family taken just like that. A man and his wife, and their two children. It was unbearable and worse because we didn’t know who’d hired a hit on the family, and a hit like Victor.
Luc said Henry owed money. I was livid when I heard that because I would have given him anything if he needed it.
Maybe though, if I hadn’t been so caught up in my own problems with Ava, I would have seen he was in trouble. I would have seen it and not been more of a fucking prick than I already was.
Grief sent me right back to the bar. I got there just after lunchtime and stayed all day. Stayed and drank, until I could no longer feel the time difference and the bartenders continued to serve me because they knew who I was and probably feared me.
Soft fingers ran over my shoulders. Soft and searching.
I turned and stared long and hard at the woman before me.
Ava… no… Marissa.
“Marissa, I told you to leave me alone,” I snapped.
“Claudius it’s me. Ava.” She cupped my face and offered a soft smile.
I blinked several times trying to see past my drunkenness.
The face was hers… hair down, minimal make up, the soft pink shimmer on her lips that smelled of fresh fruit and that smell. Like vanilla. Sweet vanilla from the pod.
Ava always smelled like that. And the clothes. She had on one of those flowy summer dresses with the straps over her delicate shoulders.
“Ava, you came back to me?” My voice shook, and I felt like the mess I was.
“Yes. I came back.” She smiled. “I missed you too much.”
“No, you said you could only dream of going somewhere like Europe. Let’s both go.” I nodded, taking hold of her. “I want to be wherever you are. We’ll go together.” That’s exactly the kind of thing Henry would have done.
“Okay. I’d love that.”
“Ava… Henry’s … dead. He and his family.”
Sadness clouded her eyes, but something weird happened. It was like I was looking at her but not seeing her.
“I’m so sorry… God, that’s awful. Come, let me take care of you.” She nodded, and there was that look again, but I ignored it.
It was stupid. I was stupid. My heart always soared when I saw Ava; that was how I could tell the twins apart.
That and their eyes. There was a light in Ava’s eyes that brightened, giving me access to her soul.
Right now, I couldn’t feel my heart, and I couldn’t see the light. But it was stupid. She came back to me, and I should be happy. Instead, I was wasted, too drunk to enjoy the second chance my girl had given me.
I stood up and pulled her into my arms. “I love you. I love you, and I’m never letting you leave like that ever again.” I’d never said those words to anyone, and she was long overdue to hear them from me.
“I love you too.” She kissed the edge of my chin.
In in the morning, when I’d sobered up, I’d propose. I meant it. I loved her and I was going to change things up.
* * *
One month later…
I still felt wrecked.
I felt like I really had gone to hell and actually hadn’t quite made it back.
I was at the bar again, not drinking as heavily as I had that night, having sworn never to get drunk again.
The happiness I’d experienced that night thinking that Ava had returned was all a glimmer because it wasn’t Ava.
Ava hadn’t come back to me.
The person I’d spoken to that night, the person I’d confessed my undying love to and taken home to my house to make love to was not Ava.
It was Marissa.
Every time I thought about it, I felt physically sick.
“Hey, look.” Luc tapped my hand and glanced over my shoulder, frowning.
We’d just got here after a job.
I glanced behind me and frowned too, understanding why Luc looked the way he did.
He’d seen Marissa. He was the only person I’d told what happened.
She was walking down the stairs and clocked on to me the minute I looked around. And she was coming over.
I hated any kind of violence against women, would kill a man who dared lay a hand on his woman to hurt her, but that damn day when I’d woken up and found I’d slept with her, I nearly lost it. It would have been provocation at its fullest and finest.
“God, why?” I hissed under my breath. Earlier, the maid said she’d been by. I couldn’t begin to think of what she wanted.
The morning after we’d slept together, in my state of horror, she’d laughed in my face in that vindictive way and told me she knew she could find a way to own me if she wanted.
Bitch. That was the last time I saw her.
I watched her as she waltzed on up to me. The first thing I noticed was that that sass and confidence were missing. She seemed off, and quite unlike her usual self.
>
“I went to your house today and left my number. Why didn’t you call? I told the maid it was urgent.” She balled her fists and looked at me with those piercing eyes.
I was such an idiot. The eyes. The cock and bull I’d thought was cock and bull was far from it.
It was my gut instincts screaming at me that night. Warning me away from the evil siren. That sick, vile feeling stirred in my soul again just looking at her.
“You have some death wish going to my house, Marissa, or even looking for me.”
Good, she actually looked scared of me. Fucking good. Of course, I would never do anything to hurt her, but fuck it, I didn’t care if she thought I would or wouldn’t. This woman had dealt her blow on me, crippling me.
I knew if anyone was to take it down to the facts, they’d say Ava and I were broken up, so I didn’t cheat on her, but in my head, I did. In my head, I did because I wasn’t broken up with her. I wasn’t over her, and I’d spent the last month thinking of all the ways I could tell her what had happened.
“Can I talk to you, please? In private.” Her eyes darted to Luc, then back to me.
“Whatever you have to say, say it here. I’m not going anywhere with you.”
She pulled in a shallow breath, and I was shocked to shit when I saw a small tear run down her cheek. Something must have happened.
Luc tugged on my arm, and I twisted to look at him.
“Ease off, man, hear the doll out.” Luc was looking at her.
There was so much rage in me that I didn’t know how I was supposed to calm the fuck down to talk to her. But I’d do it.
I moved away, ahead of her, and she followed behind.
We went outside near the river and stood by the rails. This was perfectly private enough for me. A stone’s throw away from the bar.
“What is it? Is Ava okay?” It had actually just occurred to me that this could be about Ava.
“She’s okay. This isn’t about her. It’s me.”
“Marissa, I don’t know what to say to you right now. You messed everything up. You messed with me.” Damn her, I was ready to jump on a plane and go find Ava. I couldn’t do that with more guilt on my head.
Dirty Hearts: A Bad Bod Mafia Romance Page 10