‘You can’t think such a low thing about me!’ he bursts out, pointing a finger at me.
‘I’m sorry, but the way you’re acting now makes it difficult to think anything except that you have used my body to get at my brain.’
‘Why, because I don’t have a brain of my own?’
‘You’re putting words in my mouth again, I…’
I can’t finish the sentence, because he pounces on my lips. I have no time to protest or to stop him in any way. And not because he’s forcing me. The truth is that I don’t want to fight him, not when he kisses me. His tongue knows every corner of my mouth, he explores me with an assured confidence that makes my legs feel weak. I slip my hands behind his neck and raise a leg, encouraged by his ardour. A hand squeezes my side and his pelvis presses against mine. Incandescent lava pours into every corner of my body. His weight is like a sweet oppression, his smell fills the air around me and drives me crazy. With a calculated and exasperating slowness the hand resting on my side rises and gently caresses my neck. We are so enmeshed that I can no longer distinguish the beginning and the end of this complicated weaving of arts. I grab the collar of his shirt and pull him towards me, hungry to kiss him deeper still. Maybe later I’ll hate myself, but I don’t care. Standing on my tiptoes, I start to unbutton his shirt without taking my lips off his. He wants me, or at least I think he does, because his hands start pulling up the hem of my dress. I am ready to abandon myself without restraint, when suddenly I no longer feel his weight, I no longer feel his body and smell his perfume. Teo has taken three long steps backwards, leaving me toppled on the door, disheveled and breathless.
It takes me a few seconds to focus, and when I do I see him there, leaning against his desk, with a wry smile on his face. A smile that reminds me of Teo the arsehole. The man I should have avoided with all my strength.
‘Can I ask what the hell has gotten into you?’ I manage to ask him, hastily readjusting my dress.
‘I just wanted some answers.’
‘And you got them by jumping on me?’
‘I didn’t think you minded.’
‘So what?’
‘So I’m right: you’re using me for sex.’
All the anger I tried to control explodes like a pressure cooker. ‘Isn’t that exactly what you’ve done to every woman you’ve ever been with?’
‘I thought it was different between us.’
‘Teo, do me favour! Do you seriously want me to believe that I have brought you onto the path of monogamy? You, who are constantly claiming that you are the most desirable bachelor in the neighbourhood? ‘
‘You said you liked me!’ he accuses me with bitterness. And honestly, in that moment, I feel terrible. Then I remember this is all a tactic and pull myself together
‘Sure! But what does that really mean? Have you ever had a serious relationship before now?’
His security falters for a moment. ‘No but…’
‘So how can you ask me to believe that you’ve suddenly changed? Just with me? This isn’t a fairy tale, I haven’t cast a spell on you, and you will always be you. You’re showing it to me now. You act offended, but it is only a way to ease your conscience and not admit that you’re tired of me, now I’m no longer of use to you.’
‘Was that the kiss of a man who is tired of his woman?’
I smile at him, but it is a bitter smile. ‘You’re a good actor, Teo. And maybe, if you continue on this path, you really will manage to find your place in the world. If you can manage to maintain a consistent course of action for more than three days at a time.’
‘I knew it, you don’t believe me.’
‘You’re right, I don’t believe you. I don’t believe you because I don’t believe in miracles. This isn’t a movie or a cheap novel. The redemption of an arsehole doesn’t take place as easily as that – and anyway, even if we were in a movie or a novel, how could someone like me be with someone like you?’
‘You actually mean it…’
‘Good luck, Teo. It was nice while it lasted. But two people as incompatible as we are were never going to last long.’ I say, with a sigh of defeat. What is the use of another argument? I know now that I’ve been fooled and I guess I benefited from it, too, in a way. I just have to accept it, and move on.
He nods: it seems that he too lacks the strength to say anything more. He knows quite well that everything I’ve said is true. I wish, for once, that I wasn’t right.
I turn and open the door. I go out into the corridor. My steps sound distant, mingled with the beating of my heart that echoes in my head with a dull, hypnotic thud. I keep listening for something, a movement, a voice, but in my heart I know perfectly well that he will not follow me. Outside there is the world. The world that I know well and that always runs in the same direction. Maybe, after all, it’s better this way. The situation was getting too complicated.
*
If there’s anything worse than a disappointment in love, it is dinner with a married sister, just after suffering a disappointment in love.
I mean, love is a big word, but… we had an understanding. It was a good time. Lots of sex, no questions asked, the perfect life. Nothing official, no obligation and no existential problems, until a few days ago. A few days ago when Teo got me to dump him. As if I didn’t know the tricks his type like to use! He wound me up and made sure I jumped first, I’m sure of it.
That’s the thing that pisses me off the most: he was so calculated about ending it. Not that there was anything to end, strictly speaking, since there was no official connection between us. Still, he has somehow managed to come out of it – whatever it was – smelling of roses, because technically I am the one who left him. I bite viciously into my steak, imagining ways to make him suffer. I’m in a terrible mood…
‘Stop waving that knife around as though you wanted to cut someone up!’
My sister’s voice awakens me from my thoughts.
‘I’m just really hungry,’ I explain lamely, trying not to let the anger show in my eyes.
‘What is it you’re not telling me?’ she asks, leaning towards me.
‘Me? Nothing!’
‘You don’t fool me, big sister. I may be just a simple hairdresser, but a lot of heads pass under these hands and I’ve learned to recognise that expression. You’ve got man trouble.’
I drop my cutlery. ‘Don’t be ridiculous!’
‘Hmm… you’ve been holed up at home for days, barely managing to answer your messages, and the few times I did see you, you were grinning from ear to ear… It seems pretty obvious to me that you’ve been having some secret tryst…’
‘Sonia! Please… ‘ I burst, trying to cut her off.
‘What? Are you too embarrassed to talk about sex with your sister?’
‘That’s not it. It’s just…’
‘Come on, tell me something!’
‘Did you invite me to lunch to torment me?’
An enigmatic expression appears on her face. ‘Of course not. I just wanted to make an announcement. ‘
I become wary. ‘What kind of announcement?’
She winks at me. ‘What do you think?’
‘Are you pregnant?’ I ask without hiding the terror in my voice.
‘Isn’t it wonderful?’
‘No it’s not. It’s too early!’
‘It’s not that early!’ she objects.
‘You don’t know him well enough! Having a child with someone is serious!’
‘And getting married wasn’t?’
‘Oh god, yes, but a child is irreversible. What if you find out that Silvio is an arsehole? That you’ve let yourself be fooled by a pretty face on a promise that doesn’t hold up? And if he lets you down and breaks your heart into a thousand pieces? What would you do then?’
What were we talking about, again? The words die in my throat.
‘Is that what happened to you?’ she asks me quietly.
‘We’re not talking about me, I…’
‘Honey! I’m home!’
Silvio’s voice interrupts my tirade. Damn men and their uncanny ability to turn up at inconvenient times!
‘What’s up?’
Silvio looks at us puzzled. I go back to wielding my knife.
‘Sara was telling me what an arsehole you are.’
‘I didn’t say that! I just said that… the news surprised me and I think you rushed into it a bit.’
Silvio opens his eyes wide. ‘Sweetheart! I thought we were keeping it as a surprise for Sunday lunch.’
Sonia treats her husband to a doe-eyed look.
‘I couldn’t resist. Do you forgive me?’
‘How could I be angry with you?’ he coos, attaching himself to her lips. Gross! They’re so lovey-dovey it makes me sick.
‘Hey! I’m here!’ I reproach them.
‘She just got dumped by her boyfriend,’ Sonia explains, apologetically.
‘Have you got a boyfriend, Sara?’ Silvio asks, surprised.
‘Had a boyfriend,’ Sonia corrects him.
‘I didn’t have and I don’t have a boyfriend!’ I yell, stunning them into silence.
‘Typical overreaction caused by a lack of sex.’ Silvio’s observation makes smoke come out of my ears.
‘Typical response from someone who thinks with his dick!’
‘Time out!’ Sonia interrupts. ‘Please don’t let the discussion degenerate.’
‘I’m not degenerating anything. My sex life is my business, that’s all!’
‘I told Teo to let it go! Sour as a lemon, that one,’ Silvio mutters under his breath. His words don’t escape me, though, and I turn on him again.
‘What does Teo have to do with it?’
There is a defensive note in my voice and Sonia picks up on it immediately. Her gaze wanders back and forth from me to her husband several times.
‘What’s going on, Silvio? What does Teo have to do with it?’
‘Nothing,’ he replies, too quickly. ‘You must have misunderstood.’
Oh, but I see his terrified look, like a bather about to be devoured by a shark. And to put it mildly, the shark that he has in front of him, is pissed off as hell and fully premenstrual. There is no shark more terrible…
‘What did Teo have to let go of?’ I ask, approaching him threateningly. ‘Tell me what you mean.’
Silvio hesitates, but finally gives up. He seems anxious to get something off his conscience.
‘Well, I suppose I can say now, since you have… had… a boyfriend, and obviously your boyfriend wasn’t Teo. Every once in a while he has these crazy ideas, and one of them revolved around you. “A question of principle,” was what he said, although he didn’t give me any details. I didn’t worry about it much, because I knew it wouldn’t work. And it obviously didn’t, since you’re still as miserable as ever.’
‘Silvio!’
‘Sorry, sweetheart, I got carried away. I wouldn’t worry about it too much. He just gets a bee in his bonnet sometimes. And luckily, for once, he didn’t succeed. Besides, how could he with someone like you?’
‘Exactly. How could he?’
My voice, however, is not as firm as one would have expected from me. My expression must be even worse, because Sonia’s worried look does not escape me
‘Sara, are you okay? What is this all about, Silvio? All Teo said to me was that he wanted to apologise to her. I suggested the macarons, and the ballet and…’
My head spins at a hundred miles an hour. ‘You did…?’ I try to find a chair to lean on. How stupid could I have been?
The truth flashes before my eyes in all its harshness. Teo had a plan. To do what? To humiliate me? To get benefits? Both?
Oh God, I had even guessed it myself, but it’s one thing to suspect something and another to be sure of it. With suspicion there is always the hope you could be wrong. But from certainty, there is no escape. Teo cheated me, despite the hundred thousand alarm bells that warned me over and over.
Realisation has also dawned on my sister. ‘Oh my God, Sara! Don’t tell me you slept with him?’
‘Obviously she didn’t, sweetheart, you can see that she’s not…’ Silvio’s words die in his throat at mine and Sonia’s glare. ‘Not compatible with Teo…’
‘Can you explain why not? Because I’m not tall enough? Because I’m not thin enough? Because I don’t dress in the latest fashion?’
Silvio puts his hands to his face. He looks like the personification of Munch’s Scream.
‘Shit! Did you really have sex?’
‘Does that seem so impossible to you?’
‘Yes, for God’s sake! All Teo said was that he wanted to rehabilitate his good name!’
‘What do you mean?’ I ask, clutching a piece of tablecloth in my hands. I’m afraid to hear the answer, but I can’t back out now.
‘Just that he didn’t like being rejected. I thought he might have flirted with you a bit, kissed you, maybe, but I never thought he’d have used the Love Torpedo!’
‘Love Torpedo?’ Sonia asks, perplexed.
‘That’s what we call our… er… virility,’ Silvio explains, sheepishly. My sister’s face has turned purple.
‘You knew all of this… and you didn’t you tell me anything? She’s my sister!’
‘I didn’t think Teo was that much of an arsehole.’
An arsehole. A jerk. And yet, when he held me for the first time, when he looked at me anxiously the first morning we were together, I found no trace of a lie. I believed him when he told me he liked me. I struggled, but I dropped my defences. His kisses, his laughter on my skin, they made me feel. I gave in to the temptation to believe it was real. This is what happens when you believe the snake: you are condemned to eternal damnation. It doesn’t matter that it was all a farce, I felt those feelings. I felt the fire that consumed me from within in a way I had never experienced. I opened my world to him. My heart maybe not, but my world yes. I let him enter my life that was so different to his, and threw reason and caution to the wind. And I felt great. Light, satisfied. Happy
And now? What is left of me? The rubble of a scorched personality, a pile of ruined self-worth. And all because I didn’t know how to give up his taste, his perfume, his madness that changed my life. It is really true that feelings can give you a purpose. Feelings? What feelings am I talking about? It was just sex, after all. Right? Yeah… but I was very fond of him all the same.
I have become so lost in my thoughts that I fail to notice how the discussion between Silvio and Sonia has degenerated.
‘How could you lie to me like that, Silvio?’
‘I didn’t lie to you! I didn’t think it was important!’
‘We’re talking about my sister!’ says Sonia, wiping a tear. Oh, dear. Those pregnancy hormones are taking their toll.
‘It’s all right, Sonia. I’m fine,’ I try to calm her.
‘It’s not fine. I don’t know who I married anymore!’
‘Baby! Don’t get carried away…I…’
‘Shut up! Not a word more! You’re only making it worse. I need time to think. You’ll have to go away for a while.’
Silvio is paralysed with shock. ‘But… but… that’s not fair! Where can I go?’
‘To your mother. Or better still, go and shack up with Teo. You bastards deserve one another! Sara, I need some air. Let’s go for a walk. And you, Silvio, you’d better not still be here when I get back.’
Without even giving him chance to reply, Sonia grabs me by the hand and drags me towards the door. But when it opens, time stops and cracks. In front of us, in the act of ringing the bell, is the tall and imposing silhouette of Teo. The first thing I notice is his eyes. Blue as always, but not so clear. Is he drunk?
The sight of the guilty man triggers the same reaction in all three of us. We jump, all together, and each of us in unison asks the same question.
‘What are you doing here?’
25
Teo
‘What are you doing here?’
It is not exactly the welcome I might have hoped for when I decided to stop by at Silvio’s. I haven’t slept in days and… yes, I could have distracted myself by picking up some girls, but the truth is that I had no desire to do it. No desire at all. And Silvio is my best friend, at the end of the day, so it seemed logical to me to turn to him to try and find a cure for my bad mood. A friend always knows how to lift your spirits at times like these.
But instead I am staring into the face of my living nightmare. Silvio is here alright, but standing in front of him are Sara and her sister, and judging by the way they’re all looking at me, he must have told them something very unpleasant about me. I should have known it would get out eventually. If you play with fire…
‘So anyway, I was just leaving,’ I announce, trying not to look too closely at the woman who is the cause of all my woes. This is not going well at all.
A pair of burly hands take hold of me by the scruff of the neck and drag me into the house.
‘No you don’t, mate. You can come in here and help me sort out this mess.’
Silvio slams the door with a thud and, turning around, I look with dismay into three pairs of eyes that look like they would set fire to me if they could. I’m done for!
‘So, what are we celebrating?’ I try to lighten the mood.
‘Your slow and painful death,’ says Sonia, grimly. I had remembered her as being more sweet and affectionate.
‘Do I at least get to ask for a lawyer?’
‘I doubt you’ll find one willing to defend you,’ says Silvio. Thanks, mate!
‘Well, you do know that a person is innocent until proven guilty, right?’
‘Not in my house,’ threatens Sonia.
I raise my hands in surrender. ‘Fine! Before you put me up against the firing squad, can I at least sit down?’
Silvio nods curtly, and I sit down on a armchair. Sara looks stubbornly in the other direction. She is dressed terribly, as usual. Flannel trousers and a grey pullover that do her body no justice.
‘You know, Sonia, I think we should take that walk now.’
‘Heading for the nearest exit, again?’ I ask her, ‘What a surprise.’
Not My Type Page 17