by West, Jade
I put my hand on Logan’s arm as he made to stand, jumping up on my feet before him.
“I’ll go make coffee and breakfasts,” I said, and Jackie gave me a thumbs-up.
“Always up for a morning egg, sweetheart. Always.”
She pulled me in for a hug before I left, and I could tell then that she was struggling. Her arms had barely any strength left at all, and her heart was barely more than a flutter against my chest.
Yeah. Her time was running out. Fast. But still… we had another day. Hopefully it would be a great one.
Thank you, universe. Thank you.
I was a busy little bee as I started work in the kitchen, getting the pans simmering and the eggs cracked and the kettle on – but not too busy. Not busy enough to cut Logan out of time with his mum.
I held back a fair few minutes before finishing off the eggs and heading back up there with the tray in my hands, giving out the coffees and breakfast plates with a smile.
They’d been talking. Deep. I could see the tear streaks down Jackie’s face. She squeezed Logan’s hand before she took her breakfast plate from me.
I wondered whether I should leave them to it and head back to Mum and Dad’s, but Logan’s smile at me said more than words. He didn’t want me to leave, and neither did Jackie. It was written all over their faces.
The swell of happiness in my chest, knowing I was so welcome and wanted at such an important time in two peoples’ lives was something no amount of money could ever buy. The closeness and the tenderness and the belonging felt like gold dust right through my spine. There was no doubt, I really did belong there. With Logan. I belonged with Logan. Nothing would ever change that.
Jackie was trying to talk and eat both at once, recounting just how epic her beach trip had been. Logan was trying to ease her to enjoy her eggs, and calm herself through her chatter, but she was swishing his voice away with her hand, that mischievous grin on her lips.
“I mean it, Mum,” he told her. “Save your energy.”
“Battery is running pretty damn low, Logan. A few extra words sure ain’t gonna have an impact.”
She had a point.
We made short work of breakfast, and Jackie managed a few mouthfuls at least. Again, I insisted on cleaning up and headed downstairs to load the dishwasher, and once again I made slow work of it, desperate to preserve every scrap of Jackie-Logan time I could.
She was fast asleep again by the time I made it back up there, Logan sitting as still as I’d ever seen him as he stared at her.
“How is she doing?” I asked him, and he shook his head.
“Running on fumes. I’m surprised she made it through the night.”
I shrugged, holding my smile steady in my optimism. “Maybe she’ll make it through another.”
His eyes were heavy as lead as he looked at me. “Maybe we’ll all become penguins overnight.”
His pessimism made me sound like a moron, to be hoping so easily. I was quiet when I sat next to him, fingers twiddling in my lap as I wondered what the hell I could say to make any of this seem more OK. I didn’t need to, though. He sighed as he pulled me closer.
“I’m sorry, Chloe. I’m frustrated. I don’t mean to take it out on you. Not for a second.”
“It’s not frustration,” I told him. “It’s hurt. Hurt you’d have to be a robot not to be completely destroyed by.”
“You’re right,” he said. “Grief destroys people. Always has, always will. You can think you’ve prepared for a whole fucking decade, but losing someone you love is always going to put you on your knees.”
I nodded. “Always. But it’s not over yet, Logan. It’s lucky you have this final time with your mum, so you can both say whatever you want to say, right? That’s a great thing.”
Again, his eyes were heavy as lead. “Grief is never lucky, Chloe. Pain like that is never deserved and never set to ease. We get so involved with all the crap that goes on every day that we don’t realise we’re all going to get fucked just as soon as we’re knocked down by someone taking their final breath. It doesn’t matter how solid you think you are, you’ll still get torn to shreds when you say your last goodbyes to someone you love.”
I didn’t disagree with him, but I didn’t say anything, just kept quiet to let him say whatever he wanted to say. Only he didn’t. He didn’t say another word, just did his usual trick and the shutters came down.
I wished I could reach inside him and hold on tight. I wished I could give him some of my soul to help his own stay steady. But no. Never.
Not on Logan Hall’s watch.
He stayed solid until early that evening. He barely stepped away from Jackie’s bed unless it was for a toilet break. I drifted asleep with my head resting on his shoulder for a decent chunk of the afternoon, but not once did he shift from me. He was every bit as awake as I left him when I came back to my senses, his eyebrows pitted and pondering.
“You should sleep,” I whispered. “I’ll wake you up if anything changes or she wakes.”
He shook his head. “No, thanks. I can manage.”
But there’s no way anyone can manage that much stress on top of that little sleep. Everyone has his limits, and Logan found his as the darkness through the windows closed in, end of life medical team waved in and waved out, Jackie awake enough to eat a few spoonfuls of cereal and drink some juice. I saw his head lolling, breaths deepening over and over, but it still took another full hour before he admitted defeat and said he was going for a power nap back in his room. Thirty minutes max, he said – but again, his body had its limits.
It was about an hour until Jackie opened her eyes again.
I made to shoot out and let Logan know, but in typical Jackie style she grabbed for my wrist and pulled me closer, a light twinkle still there in her eyes.
“Let him sleep,” she said. “Us girls can have a chat in the meantime, can’t we?”
I could tell by her tone that she wanted to speak to me. It was a joy to sit back down in my seat and lean in to the bed.
“I love having chats with you.” I smiled. “I’m pretty sure you know that by now.”
Her laugh was a weak cackle, but it was still the Jackie Hall cackle I loved. “Oh yeah, darling, I sure know that by now.”
“Once we start talking I never want us to shut up,” I giggled back. “I’ll be up another few days straight if we get in the flow.”
“Good,” she said. “Because I’ve got some things I want to say to you.”
I felt that strange little tickle you get in your stomach when you know something important is coming. Because it was coming. That importance was shining right through her eyes from her soul.
“There’s some things I want you to know,” she said. “Some little snippets of wisdom from a wise old crow like me, I’d like to share with you.”
I bet they’d be a whole load more than snippets of wisdom. I’d known that from the very first moment I met her, just a few short weeks ago. Hell, it felt like a whole load longer than that. It felt like I’d known her my whole life.
She looked me right in the eyes and cleared her throat.
And then, wise old crow, Jackie Hall, started talking.
41
Chloe
“You know what, Chloe darling? There is a lot I’ve learnt in this frail body with a sharp mind still working. Now I’m at the end of my road, I want to share the workings of my sharp old mind with your sharp young one.”
I got a flush of shivers even thinking about it. I could see it in her eyes, a lifetime of wisdom right there for taking hold of and grabbing tight. I wanted this. I wanted to hear everything she had to tell me and carry it with me for the rest of my life.
I pulled my chair up even closer. “Please tell me everything. I’d love to know.”
Her smile was magnificent. She took as deep a breath as she could.
“You know what, poppet? The most important thing I’ve ever learnt, from the highs and lows and peaks and troughs? Positive mental attitude. If I could p
ut it in a bottle, I’d spend the rest of my days walking around and giving it to people.” She laughed. “Not that I have any days left ahead of me to dish it out.”
I didn’t do the socially awkward thing of trying to brush it off, saying that she had loads of time left, because both of us knew she didn’t. Both of us knew this was the end.
She smiled at me and carried on.
“You look around you and see so clearly that people stress too much. Almost everyone has a big pile of crap they churn over day after day. It’s normal. Only it doesn’t have to be.” She paused. “People resign themselves to be a product of what has happened to them without realising that they have a choice of who to be in any given moment. Change takes an instant.” Another pause as she rasped in her breaths. “My journey has taught me to use my energy in a positive way. Don’t angst, don’t stress and don’t worry. The shit that’s going to happen is going to happen anyway.”
I smiled at her. “I get it. The whole big pile of crap thing. I hear it all the time, see it all the time.” I tipped my head. “I’m sure some of the time I get caught up in it myself too.”
“You’re a positive little soul,” she told me. “Just make sure you keep hold of that. No matter what happens, sweetheart, you keep hold of that. It makes you who you are.”
I nodded. “People tell me I’m an overly positive little soul. They roll their eyes and say my glass is always full, no matter how shit the horizon looks.”
“Having your glass full is the winner, Chloe. My life and journey has taught me to enjoy everything, not just the chosen moments. And this isn’t from some New Age floaty book, this is from learning the hard way.” Her eyes twinkled. “All the miniscule things have huge power. It’s the tiny things that we need to appreciate, all day, every day. And if things go crap and need sorting, they need sorting. No looking back and dwelling on the past. No blaming things for what’s happened. You just do it. Done. Dusted. Move on.”
She raised her hands to illustrate, and I felt it. The genuine burst of knowledge in her.
I nodded and she continued.
“That’s also what my journey’s taught me – take life as it comes. It will come, it will come. Take life as it comes and don’t give up on you. On what you can do.”
I could picture her through the years. I could see her always pushing herself. Always doing her best. Always being Jackie Hall and everything Jackie Hall stood for.
She smiled, to herself this time as much as at me.
“I stayed at my friend Amy’s place a few months back, and I was feeling pretty damn rough when I got there. To get upstairs to bed at night she had to stand behind me and push me up every step, but I did it.” She fixed her stare on me. “A few years ago I would never have asked for that help. No fucking way. I’d have seen it as giving in, and rather gone ass over tit down the stairs than rely on someone else to help me.”
“I get that,” I told her, because I did. I did get that. I saw it day after day, the frustration people had in the ward when they couldn’t do the basic things they wanted to. So sad to watch.
“These lessons are simple. They’re choices. Believe me, I’ve made loads of the bastards.”
Another laugh, although this one was more of a wheeze than a cackle. Then she shifted in bed, pulling a face as she squirmed.
“Oh, my fucking ass. It’s a pain in one.” She smirked. “This was an Amy gift, you know? This support cushion for my butt. Bless her heart, there’s so much sentimentality there, but it’s fucking useless, it just looks like a pretty donut.”
I couldn’t hold back my own giggle, helping her shift on the pretty donut until she settled back down.
I cleared my throat and asked her a question, wanting to know just how far she’d come since she was a young little thing like me.
“Do you think what’s important to you has changed over time?”
“Absolutely,” she said. “In the early days it’s all about being good enough, doing the right things, getting the right stuff. But that doesn’t matter. Doesn’t matter at all near the end. It only slows you down.”
I was nodding along with her, eyes holding hers so steady.
“Believe me, sweetheart, what’s important is the simple shit. Being around people, sharing, talking, eating. Simple pleasures that most people don’t even take notice of. Their heads are always stuck on what’s ahead of them and not on what’s there, right here, right now. And that’s sad, because your time is every second, and once it’s gone, it’s gone forever.”
“I can believe that,” I said. “I’ve blinked before and weeks have passed by, my head in the clouds while my evenings zip past doing things I don’t care about and won’t ever remember.”
I pictured Liam on the sofa. I pictured me eating dinner with him in silence, neither of us having a word we wanted to say. What a waste.
“The other thing,” Jackie added. “Don’t ever justify what makes you, you, or how good you are. You don’t have to stand up and be counted for shit that doesn’t matter. You want to eat a feast, you fucking eat one. You don’t have to justify how much or how little is on your plate, darling. Not ever. None of it ever matters – we are all as equally as important as the next person. There is no top dog, just the stupid damn illusion of one.”
I felt a shiver, because I could sense that all around me, everyone always wanting others to look at them like they are the best.
“The joy in the moment, sweetheart, the joy of you being you for who you are, embracing love and friendship. It’s magic. It’s always magic. Don’t stress, just be you for who you are. That’s the greatest magic of all.”
She was quiet for a few long seconds with her hand in mine.
“I hope you know how happy I am you’re with my son, Chloe. Believe me, breathing my last breaths and knowing he’s got you by his side is the biggest relief I’ve ever had.” She squeezed my fingers. “You can’t put an old head on young shoulders, my lovely, please remember that and enjoy it for what it is.”
“I’ll try my best,” I said, and I could feel the tears tickling from down deep.
“You’re growing together, you and Logan, people always are. Going through challenges with someone, and coming through the other side together always shows learning on both parts. Never underestimate that – people never give it enough credit. Growing up.” She wheezed another cackle. “People never stop growing up, they’re fools if they think they do.”
“I’ve got plenty of growing up left to go,” I giggled back.
We laughed together before she carried on.
“I really am blessed, because I’m still here, even after all these years of being terminally ill in a whole load of ways the universe wanted to throw at me. Cancer, breathing, whatever. I’m blessed to be experiencing it all, every single day, and I never stop smiling. If anything, I’ve been grinning more the closer I get to reaching the end, because each moment means so much more.”
“It’s so hard to see people struggling so much,” I told her, and I meant it. Seeing people so lost as they succumbed to their end days was enough to tear my heart in two. Jackie seemed to read my mind.
“I’ve seen a lot of people in hospices, you know. Plenty of people in a similar situation to me have been very low and resigned, especially since their families are suffering so badly around them. I’d always say to them, if you were more positive, they would find it so much easier to be positive too. Which is pretty damn true. Without being rude, I’d say, what is it you want to be remembered for? What do you want your final part of the road to mean?” She paused again. “Every morning my first waking thought is ‘thank you universe for another day’ and to sum it up in a nutshell, another woman I knew who is dead now, bless her soul, said that her first waking thought was always shit, what’s going to happen today? Tragic.”
It was tragic. I could imagine the poor woman who said it, petrified of every hour ahead of her.
Jackie carried on.
“I know I’m viewed t
hat way by others – as a super happy, positive person. At the hospice I hear it a lot from doctors I’m involved with, and nurses – because it is unusual apparently. Don’t get me wrong, when you are ill as fuck there are lots of things that aren’t pleasant, lots of things aren’t nice, but just look away, think something nice for a minute, and bish bosh bang. Done. Fear. What fear does, what feeding anxiety does is exacerbates, so for me, I am in pain all the time, but I don’t suffer my pain, because pain is there for a reason. And that reason doesn’t define me.”
I was nodding. Listening. Trying to soak her up with every scrap of my mind.
She laughed again. “Yeah, I mean, I suffer with some things, like I’m always going on about my ass, because when it’s sore, it’s fucking sore. But there’s always more than that bubbling away under the surface. My lungs have been in pain for years, right up until getting this morphine driver. But I don’t let it define me, because otherwise I can’t let the life and joy in.”
Once again I saw the similarities between Jackie and Logan, mother and son. I saw the same passion in their eyes, and the same determination. The same unwillingness to be defined by their bodies and not their hearts.
She pulled me in closer, and I could hear it in her voice. Every word was a struggle.
“And this is what I want you to know, sweetheart, before I say my goodbye. Every single excruciating experience I’ve been through, I’ve taken something valuable from it. It’s had a purpose. People don’t give credence enough to the power and strength of mind over matter. I’m not saying you can make pain go away, it’s just, again it’s this fear based thing. We fear what we don’t fucking know. So make it known. Take it onboard. Feel it. Feel yourself, always feel yourself.” She paused and smiled a fading smile enough that it choked my breath. “And feel, Logan, sweetheart. Please feel Logan too. He’s gonna need you. He’s gonna need you by his side. Even though he might try to push you away.”
I nodded, and I knew the tears were coming, I couldn’t have stopped them if I’d tried.
“I’ll be by his side, I promise.”