CURIOSITY
"Children," said the Sunday-school superintendent, "this pictureillustrates to-day's lesson: Lot was warned to take his wife anddaughters and flee out of Sodom. Here are Lot and his daughters, withhis wife just behind them; and there is Sodom in the background. Now,has any girl or boy a question before we take up the study of thelesson? Well, Susie?"
"Pleathe, thir," lisped the latest graduate from the infant class,"where ith the flea?"
THE SIMPLE POLITICAL LIFE
The American characteristic which demands ornaments and "fixin's" to allceremonies, as contrasted with genuine simplicity, is thus scored byJudge Pettingill of Chanute:
"My ambition in life," said the Judge, "is to be the organizer of alodge without flub-dub, gold tassel uniforms, red tape ritual, aregiment of officers with high-sounding titles, a calisthenic drill ofidiotic signs and grips, a goat, and members who call each other'brother.' I would name the presiding officer 'it,' and its first by-lawwould provide for the expulsion of the member who advocated the wearingof a lodge pin."
PIGTAILS AND MOUSTACHES
When Wu Ting Fang was Minister to the United States from China, hevisited Chicago. A native of the Windy City said to him at a reception:
"Mr. Wu, I see there is a movement in China to abolish the pigtails youwear. Why do you wear the foolish thing, anyhow?"
"Well," countered Mr. Wu, "why do you wear your foolish moustache?"
"Oh, that's different," said the Chicago man; "you see I've got animpossible mouth."
"So I should suppose," retorted Mr. Wu, "judging from some of yourremarks."
HIS SEARCH FOR THE PRACTICAL
"Now," it was explained to Aladdin, "this is a wonderful lamp. Rub itand a genie appears."
"I see little to that," he replied. "What I want is a lamp that won't goout on my automobile and get me pinched by a traffic cop."
HARD UP FOR WIND
Everything in the dear old village seemed the same to Jones after hisabsence of four years. The old church, the village pump, the ducks onthe green, the old men smoking while their wives gossip--it was sorestful after the rush and bustle of the city. Suddenly he missedsomething.
"Where's Hodge's windmill?" he asked in surprise. "I can only see onemill, and there used to be two."
The native gazed thoughtfully round, as if to verify the statement. Thenhe said slowly:
"They pulled one down. There weren't enough wind for two on'em!"
HE KNEW BRYAN
At a recent political convention two of the delegates were discussingthe religious affiliations of prominent statesmen, when one of them, aBaptist, observed to the other, who was a Methodist:
"I understand that William Jennings Bryan has turned Baptist."
"What?" exclaimed the Methodist. "Why, that can't be!"
"Yes, it is," persisted the Baptist.
"No, sir," continued the Methodist; "it can't be true. To become aBaptist one must be entirely immersed."
"Yes, that is very true; but what has that to do with it?"
"Simply this," returned the Methodist: "Mr. Bryan would never consent todisappear from public view as long as that."
HIS NEED
John Hendricks, a singular Western character, awoke one morning to findhimself wealthy through a rich mining strike. Soon he concluded tobroaden his mind by travel, and decided to go to Europe Boarding theship, he singled out the captain and said: "Captain, if I understand theway this here ship is constructed it's got several water-tightcompartments?"
"Yes, sir."
"Water's all on the outside--can't none get in nohow?"
"No, sir."
"Captain," said Hendricks, decidedly, "I want one o' themcompartments--I don't care what it costs extry."
ALL OR NOTHING
Senator Jim Nye of Nebraska tells this story to illustrate some of theevils of prohibition. The Senator said, apropos of his visit to a "dry"town.
"After a long speech and then talking to all the magnates of theneighborhood, I went to bed dry as a powder horn. I could not sleep andas soon as it was daylight I went down into the dining room: As I satthere the mistress of the house came in and said 'Senator, you are upearly.' I said: 'Yes, living in the West so long, I am afflicted withmalaria, and I could not sleep.' She went over to a tea caddy, took outa bottle and said: 'Senator, this is a prohibition town, you know, butwe have malaria and we find this a good antidote. I know it will do yougood.'"
The Senator seized the bottle with avidity and thankfulness. He settledagain in his seat by the window, more in harmony with the world. Thenthe head of the house came in and said: "Senator, you are up early." Hereplied: "Yes, malaria, you know." "Well," said the old gentleman, "wehave a cure for that. This is a prohibition town; it is good thing forour work people; but I have a little safety in my locker," and heproduced a bottle.
After the old gentleman left the two sons came in and said: "Senator,are you fond of livestock?" The Senator by that time was fond ofeverything and everybody. He said: "Yes, I love livestock, I have plentyof it on my ranch." They said: "Come out to the barn and we will showyou some." They took him out to the barn, closed the doors, and said:"Senator, we know you must have had a hard time last night. We have nolivestock but we have a bottle in the haymow." Senator Nye then said:
"The trouble with a prohibition town is that when you most need it youcan't get it, and when it does come it is like a Western flood, too muchof it."
BUSINESS IS BUSINESS
Eugene was a very mischievous little boy and his mother's patience wasworn to the limit. She had spoken very nicely to him several timeswithout effect. Finally she said:
"You are a perfect little heathen!"
"Do you mean it?" demanded Eugene.
"Indeed, I do," said the mother.
"Then, mother," said the boy, "why can't I keep that ten cents a weekyou gimme for the Sunday-school collection? I guess I'm as hard up asany of the rest of 'em."
THE BOOTBLACK'S GENEROSITY
When Paderewski was on his last visit to America he was in a Bostonsuburb, when he was approached by a bootblack who called:
"Shine?"
The great pianist looked down at the youth whose face was streaked withgrime and said:
"No, my lad, but if you will wash your face I will give you a quarter."
"All right!" exclaimed the youth, who forthwith ran to a neighboringtrough and made his ablutions.
When he returned Paderewski held out the quarter, which the boy took butimmediately handed back, saying:
"Here, Mister, you take it yourself and get your hair cut."
ON DUTY ELSEWHERE
An Irish soldier had lost an eye in battle, but was allowed to continuein the service on consenting to have a glass eye in its place. One day,however, he appeared on parade without his artificial eye.
"Nolan," said the officer, "you are not properly dressed. Why is yourartificial eye not in its place?"
"Sure, sir," replied Nolan, "I left it in me box to keep an eye on mekit while I'm on parade."
THE KAISER'S LAST WORD
Arthur Train, the novelist, put down a German newspaper at the CenturyClub, in New York, with an impatient grunt.
"It says here," he explained, "that it is Germany who will speak thelast word in this war."
Then the novelist laughed angrily and added:
"Yes, Germany will speak the last word in the war, and that last wordwill be '_Kamerad!_'"
A REVISED CLASSIC--THE SLEEPING BEAUTY
When the Prince entered the enchanted castle he noticed about it an airof unusual quiet, as if there were a meeting of the American PeaceSociety.
"Everybody is asleep," he muttered. "There isn't a single defense gunmounted on a parapet. I don't believe there is a rifle on the premises.No ammunition, either."
Walking rapidly upstairs, he saw a couple of servants lying prone.
"This reminds me of the time I lived in the suburbs," he continued.
Entering one
of the sleeping-rooms, he discovered the celebrated beauty,sound asleep, in the four-poster.
"This must be a frame-up," he observed. "I see it all. If I wake her up,I shall have to marry her."
He was about to pass down the stairs, when a voice stopped him.
"Well, why not?" said the voice. "The young woman has not received amodern education. She cannot drive a motor, play bridge, insist uponyour going to the most fashionable restaurant and ordering eightdollars' worth of worthless imitation food, dance like a fiend, andspend money generally like the manager of an international war. She'sbeen asleep so long that she might be just the one you want."
"By Jove!" exclaimed the Prince. "And to think I might have gone offwithout her!" So saying, he did the proper thing.
SPECIALLY ENDOWED
"Some un sick at yo' house, Mis' Carter?" inquired Lila. "Ah seed dedoctah's kyar eroun' dar yestidy."
"It was for my brother, Lila."
"Sho! What's he done got de matter of 'im?"
"Nobody seems to know what the disease is. He can eat and sleep as wellas ever, he stays out all day long on the veranda in the sun, and seemsas well as anyone, but he can't do any work at all."
"He cain't--yo' says he cain't work?"
"Not a stroke."
"Law, Mis' Carter, dat ain't no disease what yo' broth' got. Dat's agif!"
NO JOQUE
The difficulties of western journalism are illustrated by the followingnotice from _The Rocky Mountain Cyclone_:
AD ASTRA PER ASPERA
We begin the publication ov the _Rocy Mountain Cyclone_ with some phewdiphiculties in the way. The type phounder phrom whom we bought ouroutphit phor this printing ophice phailed to supply us with any ephs orcays, and it will be phour or phive weex bephore we can get any. We haveordered the missing letters and will have to get along without themuntil they come. We don't lique the loox ov this variety ov spelling anybetter than our readers, but mistaix will happen in the best ovregulated phamilies, and iph the ephs and c's and x's and q's hold outwe shall ceep (sound the c hard) the _Cyclone_ whirling aphter aphashion till the sorts arrive. It is no joque to us, it's a seriousaphair.
ELIMINATION
To meet every situation which arises, and to do it in diplomaticlanguage, is only the gift of the elect:
"Waiter, bring me two fried eggs, some ham, a cup of coffee, and aroll," said a traveler in a city of the Middle West.
"Bring me the same," said his friend, "but eliminate the eggs."
"Yessir," said the waiter.
In a moment he came back, leaned confidentially and penitently over thetable, and whispered:
"We 'ad a bad accident just before we opened this mornin', sir, and the'andle of the liminator got busted off. Will you take yer eggs fried,same as this 'ere gentleman?"
HIS GREAT AMBITION
No true American likes to acknowledge that he has a superior, even inhis own family.
Little Sydney had reached the mature age of three and was about todiscard petticoats for the more manly raiment of knickerbockers. Themother had determined to make the occasion a memorable one. Thebreakfast table was laden with good things when the newly breechedinfant was led into the room.
"Ah!" exclaimed the proud mother, "now you are a little man!"
Sydney, thoughtfully displaying his garments to their full advantage,edged close to his mother and whispered, "Can I call pa Bill now?"
GUIDE
Our boys in France need little guidance to become on good terms with theFrench girls. The following hints at conversation have therefore beenmade as simple as possible:
Bong swah, mad-mwa-zell! Vou zay tray beautiful. Kesker say votr name? Zhe swee Edward Jones. Vooley voo take a walk? Eecy ate oon fine place to sit down. Bokoo moon to-night, nace paw? Avay voo ever studied palmistry? Donney mwa votr hand. Votr hand ay tray soft! Dahn lay Zaytah Unee are bokoo girls, may voo zay more beautiful than any of them. Chay mwa zhe nay pah seen a girl that could touch voo! Voo zay oon peach! Le coleur de votr yer ay tray beautiful. Votr dress ay bokoo dress. Donney mwa oon kiss? Zhe voo zame!
APPREHENDING THE KAISER
Early in the war the Kaiser was haled before a Virginia court. At leastthat was the intention of Charles L. Zoll, justice of the peace of BroadRun district, Loudoun County, who delivered into the hands of theSheriff this warrant:
Commonwealth of Virginia, County of Loudoun, to wit:
To the Sheriff of the said county:
Wheras, Woodrow Wilson has this day made oath before me, a justice of said court, that William Hohan Zollern, alias Wilhelm, has at various times and places between July, 1914, and November, 1917, committed murder, assault, and arson upon the bodies of various people and sundry properties, against the peace and dignity of the Government of the United States, the State of Virginia and Broad Run district in particular.
These are therefore in the name of the Commonwealth of Virginia and the Government of the United States to command you to forthwith apprehend the said William Hohan Zollern, alias Kaiser Wilhelm, and bring his body before me at my office in Aushburn, Va., to answer said charges, and there and then be dealt with according to law.
And by the power vested in me I hereby extend your jurisdiction to the Continent of Europe and I do by these presents declare the said William Hohan Zollern, alias Kaiser Wilhelm, to be an outlaw, and offer as a reward for his apprehension three barrels of corn, five bushels of potatoes and meat of ham, said ham to weigh not less than twenty-one pounds nor more than thirty-five pounds.
And you are moreover required to summon Marshal Joffre, Albert, King of the Belgians; Victor Emanuel of Italy and George V to appear at same time and place as witnesses in behalf of the Commonwealth touching the matter said complaint.
Given under my hand and seal this 28th day of November, 1917.
CHARLES L. ZOLL, Justice of the Peace.
JUSTICE TO T. R.
In the English royal library at Windsor, in the centre of the magazinetable, there is a large album of pictures of many eminent and popularmen and women of the day. This book is divided into sections--a sectionfor each calling or profession. Some years ago Prince Edward, inlooking through the book, came across the pages devoted to the picturesof the rulers of the various nations. Prominently placed among these wasa large photograph of Colonel Roosevelt.
"Father," asked Prince Edward, placing his finger on the Colonel'spicture, "Mr. Roosevelt is a very clever man, isn't he?"
"Yes, child," answered King George with a smile. "He is a great and goodman. In some respects I look upon him as a genius."
A few days later, King George, casually glancing through the album,noticed that President Roosevelt's photograph had been removed andplaced in the section devoted to "Men and Women of the Time." On askingthe Prince whether he had removed the picture, the latter solemnlyreplied: "Yes, sir. You told me the other day that you thought Mr.Roosevelt a genius, so I took him away from the kings and emperors andput him among the famous people."
HE WAS NOT A PROHIBITIONIST
When the question of America's being prepared for war was uppermostRepresentative Thomas Heflin, of Alabama, told the following story toillustrate his belief that we ought always to be ready:
"There was an old fellow down in north Alabama and out in the mountains;he kept his jug in the hole of a log. He would go down at sundown totake a swig of mountain dew--mountain dew that had never been humiliatedby a revenue officer nor insulted by a green stamp. He drank that liquidconcoction that came fresh from the heart of the corn, and he glowed.One evening while he was letting the good liquor trickle down his throathe felt something touch his foot. He looked down and saw a bigrattle-snake coiled ready to strike.
"The old fellow took another swig of the corn, and in defiance he sweptthat snake with his eyes.
"'Strike, dern you, strike, you will never find me better prepared.'"
HE SCORNED THE THOUGHT
The father of a certain charming girl is well known in this town as "avery tight old gentleman." When dad recently received a young man, whofor some time had been "paying attention" to the daughter, it was theold gentleman who made the first observation:
"Huh! So you want to marry my daughter, eh?"
"Yes, sir; very much, indeed."
"Um--let me see. Can you support her in the style to which she has beenaccustomed?"
"I can, sir," said the young man, "but I am not mean enough to do it."
RIVALRY
A young American artist who has just returned from a six months' job ofdriving a British ambulance on the war front in Belgium brings this backstraight from the trenches: "One cold morning a sign was pushed up abovethe German trench facing ours, only about fifty yards away, which borein large letters the words: 'Got mit Uns!' One of our cockney lads, moreof a patriot than a linguist, looked at this for a moment and thenlampblacked a big sign of his own, which he raised on a stick. It read:'We Got Mittuns, Too!'"
IMPERSONAL
A pretty girl at an evening party was bantering a genial bachelor on hisreasons for remaining single.
"No-oo. I never was exactly disappointed in love," he said. "I was whatyou might call discouraged. You see, when I was very young I became verymuch enamored of a young lady of my acquaintance. I was mortally afraidto tell her of my feeling, but at length I screwed up my courage to theproposing point. I said, 'Let's get married,' And she said, 'Why, who'dhave us?'"
AND HE SUCCEEDED
The military strategist is born not made.
For example:
Two youngsters, one the possessor of a permit, were fishing on a certainestate when a gamekeeper suddenly darted from a thicket. The lad withthe permit uttered a cry of fright, dropped his rod, and ran off at topspeed. The gamekeeper was led a swift chase. Then, worn out, the boyhalted. The man seized him by the arm and said between pants: "Have youa permit to fish on this estate?"
"Yes, to be sure," said the boy quietly.
"You have? Then show it to me."
The boy drew the permit from his pocket. The man examined it and frownedin perplexity and anger.
"Why did you run when you had this permit?" he asked.
"To let the other boy get away," was the reply. "He didn't have any."
NO CHANGE IN SHYLOCK
An old woman who lived in the country recently visited some friends inthe city. During her stay she was taken to see "The Merchant of Venice,"a play she had witnessed more than thirty years before, and which shehad always had a strong desire to see again. Calling next day, a friendasked her how the previous night's performance compared with that ofthirty years ago.
"Well," she replied, "Venice seems to have smartened up a bit, but thatShylock is the same mean, grasping creature that he used to be."
ENOUGH
After all, only a feminine mind can be truly broadminded and make acorrect deduction of a whole from a knowledge of a part. Said a certainlady in a shop:
"I want a pair of pants for my sick husband."
"What size?" asked the clerk.
"I don't know, but he wears a 14-1/2 collar."
Best Short Stories Page 3