by Vera Quinn
“My oldest is B, and the youngest is Lucas.” I push away the bad thoughts of my miscarriage. I don’t like giving out too much information on my children, so I keep it to the minimum. “If you need to talk about anything, I am a good listener.” Becky looks at my face for a good two or three minutes.
“As long as you let me return the favor.” I look back at Becky and wonder how she could know I needed to talk.
“How do you know I need to talk?” I ask her.
“You’re a mom to two children and you are in the park without them. I was more hoping than knowing. I could use the distraction from my life for a while.” Becky sounds sincere. When did I become such a skeptic of people being honest? I guess, when my husband broke my damn heart, again.
“You got me there. You go first and then I’ll give you mine.” I can’t believe what I just agreed to. Maybe getting it all out to a stranger won’t hurt.
“You got yourself a deal. I don’t know where to start. I guess to start with I need to say my husband is not Josie’s father. I was young and stupid and when my high school sweetheart, Jimmy, said he loved me, and we were forever, I believed him. The night of senior prom, I gave him my virginity and he gave me Josie. He made me all sorts of promises, but he left on a plane for college the day after graduation. I found out by a Dear Jane letter a few days later that he wasn’t ready for fatherhood and he was too young to be tying himself to me or a child. He included a check to cover an abortion. The return address on the envelope was his parents’ address. I knew they never thought I was good enough for their son. I gave myself a week to mourn the loss of the boy I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. I know now that he was a boy and not a man.” Becky stops talking and looks exhausted.
“He’s a butthead is what he is. I don’t believe a man and woman need to be married to raise a child, but they need to step up and do right by their child. You’re better off without him.” I give my honest opinion. Why stop now, I don’t sugarcoat anything these days.
“I agree and I haven’t heard a thing out of Jimmy since then except in a courtroom when he relinquished his parental rights. His parents have never once laid eyes on Josie, and Jimmy only saw her that day in the courtroom. Such a pity, she’s such a sweet child, and she looks just like Jimmy. On the positive side, my parents dote on Josie and so does Ben, my husband. Ben was Jimmy’s best friend. When he heard that Jimmy walked away, he reached out to me and we became best friends and then more. That man has been my rock, and he had no idea what he signed on for. I drug my feet on letting Ben adopt Josie after we were married. I guess a little part of me wanted Jimmy to step up and be a man for once. It didn’t happen. Last year, I went to help my mom one weekend and Josie had been feeling bad the day before, so Ben kept her at home. Ben had to rush her to the emergency room, but he couldn’t give them permission to examine her. I was only across town and I called to give verbal permission until I could get there but it opened my eyes. We had been through so much, but I still wasn’t ready to give up Josie’s dream of having her dad. His adoption of Josie went through this year, and Josie is a daddy’s little girl now and I can see that Josie didn’t need Jimmy as a dad because she already has one.” Becky stops and looks at me. I don’t know what she wants. “Your turn, just a little bit and then I’ll continue.” I can understand her wanting to hear someone else’s problem. That way she doesn’t feel all alone.
“B is my oldest daughter, and she is three and a half going on thirty. I gave my virginity to her dad, Dra, and the next morning he regretted what happened. He was also my older sister’s ex-husband and Dra should have been hands-off on just principle, but I wanted that man more than I wanted my next breath. I was there in one of his weak moments, or that’s his story.” I pause for a moment and try to figure out how much to say. “I ran from the man for two years, keeping our daughter away from him because I thought his life was too dangerous. When Dra found me, he made sure we were married and before I knew it, I was pregnant again and we had Lucas. Time went by and things changed. Dra and I separated and then I found out I was pregnant. A few days after I arrived back home, I miscarried.” Becky grabs my hand and I let her. I know I sound like one of those prerecorded messages because my voice sounds dead when I talk about it. “Your turn.”
“Josie was about a year and a half old when she started bruising easily. Then one day when she was playing outside, she passed out and I thought I was going to die right there. I was so scared, I called 911. After some test were run, they found out Josie had leukemia. That’s when my being scared turned into my being petrified. Ben, Josie, my family and I dug in and we fought it with everything that we had and some we didn’t. Josie was such a little trouper, and the leukemia went into remission. Ben and I were married six months later. We have been watching Josie get stronger over the years and trying to get pregnant for a while now. Last year the leukemia came back. Josie is older now, and it was a bit tougher staying still all the time in the hospital. She lost her beautiful hair with the treatments. We were keeping her schedule as close to normal as possible, but her immune system became weakened and she was kept in isolation for her own good. We got the news that the leukemia had gone back in remission and now Josie just needs to build herself back up. It all takes time. Then this morning I found out I’m pregnant. I am so happy, but I feel guilty too.” I see the guilt in her eyes. I am just surprised she can even function. I’m not sure I could if one of my children had already fought a battle, not once but twice, with a disease that could have ended one of their lives. Becky is a strong woman.
“Why do you feel guilty? Your family has been through a lot and this is a piece of happiness.” I watch Becky’s face closely.
“One of the reasons I wanted to get pregnant so desperately was so if Josie needed another bone marrow transplant then her sibling might be a match to her. I am awful. I want this child so much. I loved him or her before I ever knew they existed, but I’m not sure I deserve the happiness. What if he or she gets sick? What if I have to make the decision if Josie needs treatment ever again? I am just so confused.” Becky lets me hug her again.
“A wise woman once told me that we can’t predict what tomorrow will bring and you can either fret over what may happen or you can relax, take a deep breath, and let yourself live. If you want to live your life, then just let it happen.” I take a breath. “You are a strong woman. I don’t even know how you’re still going. If and when the time comes, you will make the right decisions for both your children with Ben’s help. A mother’s job is to give each of her children the love, guidance, and wisdom through her decisions. Don’t be afraid to relax and live your life. God has given you your strength and you will do the right thing if the time ever comes.” I feel I may have given too much of my opinion.
“Tell me the rest of yours,” Becky says. I let her relax for a moment.
“A couple of weeks before I left Colorado, I found a lump in my right breast. I had a lumpectomy recently, and today they told me I didn’t need radiation. I haven’t shared this with my family because I don’t want to see the look of pity in their eyes. I just want a life for my children and me—a normal life. I never thought I would have three children so close in age but when I found out I was pregnant, I wanted that baby so bad and then I lost it. I want to be a strong woman for my children, someone they can be proud of.” I stop talking because I am just too tired to go on and Becky squeezes my hand.
“A smart man once told me that God does not give us more than we can bear, and you need to take your own advice. Live your life and let things happen as they will. You are a strong woman, or you wouldn’t be here now, alone. You can look at it any way you want, but you are protecting the ones you love from feeling your pain.” Becky gets quiet and reaches for her purse. She takes a few cards out of her purse.
“I want you to have these. The card on top is a cancer survivor support group. You are a survivor and these people can help you get your anger and thoughts out. The second
card is an organization you may want to get involved with, Dancers Against Cancer. Josie has been in a dance program since she went into remission the first time. This organization helps dancers that have cancer. They have helped us out from time to time. The out-of-pocket expenses for cancer treatments are very expensive. The last card is for a book signing in Ohio. It’s called Authors & Dancers Against Cancer. It’s not until August and the proceeds go to Dancers Against Cancer. There’s a recital the Friday night before and then a book signing for multiple authors on Saturday. It’s a lot of fun and I go with some of my girlfriends. If you can, I would love for you to come with us.” She digs a pen out of her purse and writes a number on the back of the card. “That’s my number and if you ever feel like talking again, we can meet up, FaceTime, or just talk on the phone. The invitation for the signing event is open.” I look at the cards then stick them in my purse. I feel like a load has lifted off my shoulders.
“Sweetheart, I have been looking everywhere for you. You said you had news.” I turn and look at the man that I didn’t hear approach us. This must be Ben. He’s tall and well-built. He has one of those boy-next-door smiles, but the way he looks at Becky shows he adores her. “I’m sorry. I do have manners; I was just being impatient.” Ben says with another happy-go-lucky smile. These two are adorable.
“I am guessing you are Ben since Becky is smiling so big at you.” Ben looks at Becky.
“That would be me.” Ben sticks his hand out to me, and I take it and shake his hand. Yes, he’s a country boy, through and through.
“I’m Maddie, and your wife and I have been having a delightful talk about our families. I’ve taken enough of Becky’s time this afternoon. Enjoy the rest of your day.” Ben nods his head. “You better hang on tight to Becky, she’s a keeper.”
“Don’t I know it. It was nice to meet you Maddie and I am sorry about being so rude,” Ben tells me.
“Maddie, please use my number when you’re ready to talk,” Becky tells me.
“Thank you, Becky, I will. I will text you my number in a little while so you can call me too. You two have a nice afternoon.” I sit back down on the bench, and Ben and Becky hold each other’s hands as they walk away. I envy the two. I watch the couple until they are no longer in sight.
I came here today to have another pity party, but what I found was an inspiration to pick myself up and go on. I have two children to raise and have a family that loves the three of us. I will dig down deep and find the strength to just live my life.
Chapter Two
Shield
“You know Micha or Deb would have been by your side if you would have just shared with them. They love you. You don’t have to do this alone.” Maddie looks up and sees me standing next to the bench she is sitting on. I smile at the woman that has become a friend since she returned to Texas.
“I’m tired of needing to depend on someone else. I’m tired of the pity I see in their eyes. They both have lives and I don’t want to be a burden to either of them or to disrupt their lives. I am trying to be strong and stand on my own two feet,” Maddie tells me. I sit beside her and take her hand in mine. I feel comfortable with Maddie and I can talk to her so easily. It’s like we’ve been friends all our lives.
“You and I aren’t seeing the same woman. You are one of the most independent women that I know. You have two young children that you are raising by yourself. Your family is here to help, but you very seldom take advantage of it. You went through a miscarriage and I think that would have broken a lot of women, but you are still standing. Then you had a medical procedure in the cancer wing and didn’t tell anyone. I thought we had become good friends and friends stand beside each other. Maddie, let me in so I can help you.” I look at Maddie and I hope she can see I am being honest with her and she can trust me. I want her to trust me and let me in just a little. Maddie looks me in the eyes, and I hope my sincerity is coming through.
“I found a lump in my right breast before I left Colorado. I wanted to get away from Dra and let Krill have his life back instead of taking care of me and my children. I had my medical records sent back to Texas and was going to take care of it when I arrived home. Then I had the miscarriage, and I was devastated. After all of that, I just couldn’t discuss the lump with Micha and Aunt Deb. I had a lumpectomy when I was in the hospital. How did you find out?” She turns where she can see my face.
“Krill called and had a talk with Sarge. You had to know that Sarge would put a tail on you with all the things that were going on back in Colorado. I volunteered to keep you safe. Don’t worry, I didn’t tell Sarge about your hospital stay. Sarge didn’t want an update on your every move, he just wanted to be sure someone was there in case you ran into trouble. I also didn’t tell anyone you visited your attorney. I was hoping that you were going to tell Micha and Deb.” I can see the relief on Maddie’s face as she understands I kept her secrets. I don’t know why I did it. I just knew that Maddie needed to feel like she was in control of her life. I was giving her the time she needed to deal with everything. I knew today that would come to an end, but she still has the choice to share or deny.
“Thank you.” I can see the appreciation of what I did in her eyes. “Today, I had a follow-up doctor visit with my oncologist. I don’t need radiation. They think they got it all. I am vigilant about my self-examinations every month. I have it in my phone to remind me. Prevention and early detection are a woman’s best friends and mine was caught in the very early stages.” Maddie is nervous. I can tell because she is giving out facts. She does this when she’s nervous or embarrassed.
“Aren’t you glad you knew those things? I told you that you’re smart, and your intelligence may have saved your life.” She looks at me as I say it. It’s like she’s trying to soak up my strength. I would gladly give all my strength to her.
“You don’t know how much I needed to hear that,” Maddie tells me.
“I just want you to know that I want to help you through this or anything else that comes up. Were you changing your will at your attorney’s office?” I ask. I hear the hesitation in my own voice. I want to be direct and ask her if she filed for divorce. “I know it’s a morbid thought, but you being the good parent that you are, I know you would want to make sure your children are taken care of, you know, just in case…” I can’t finish that sentence.
“I did change my will and my last wishes for my children. I asked Sarge and Micah if they would be willing to take care of B and Lucas if anything happened to me until Dra can get himself together. I also asked that they include Krill in the decision making. They agreed to all of it. I also set aside money for their schooling and needs. Then I had my divorce petition drawn up with a child custody agreement. I signed them and they have been filed. A set was sent to Dra and his attorney. I waited the allotted time to have them filed so the case will be in a Texas court.” I slide closer to Maddie and pull her into my arms. Maddie turns and lets me hold her. I hope my arms are the comfort she needs. There’s nothing sexual about it, just a friend giving another friend comfort.
“Can we be friends now? I just want to help you through this. Whatever you need, I’m here.” I laugh softly.
“You might want to be careful, Shield, you may lose your badass biker card over this.” We both laugh together, and it feels so good.
“I know my secret is safe with you, friend.” I do know that. I just hope my heart is safe with her too. The feelings I have for Maddie have hit me like a ton of bricks. I know she needs time to heal from all this, and I’m a patient man when I know what I want.
“Who was that woman earlier?” I ask her. “I thought I might need to come over when her man showed up.”
“Becky was a stranger crying in the park. She showed me I needed to stop feeling sorry for myself because I have so much to be thankful for. I am getting healthier, my children are healthy, and I have a family that loves me. I may falter in life sometimes, but I will always pick myself up and start anew the next day. My time wit
h Dra gave me my children so I shouldn’t regret it. I should embrace it and learn from my mistakes. I need to forgive Dra for breaking my heart because carrying that hate inside me isn’t good for anyone, especially my children. I need to own my part in everything that happened. Only the children are innocent in this situation. Dra and I will come to an agreement where the children are concerned because that’s what’s best for them. I won’t ever give up on happiness because that is what my little family deserves,” Maddie says.
I know what I just said is the right way to go and I feel like a ton of bricks has been lifted from my chest. “That’s what I have been saying. See how strong you are? The things you have been going through could have left you a bitter woman, but you have only become stronger and determined to make your little family happy. You have decided to make peace with Dra instead of kicking him in the balls, which I think he deserves. You, woman, are one of a kind with a heart as big as Texas. I’m glad you’re in my corner and that we are now officially friends.” I hug Maddie and then I look across the street. Maddie turns her head the way I’m looking and sees the two motorcycles sitting across the street.
“Is that Sarge and Stealth?” Maddie asks.
“Yeah, I think it might be better to tell Micha and Sarge soon,” I tell her.
“I’m headed home now so I will tell them tonight. This won’t get you in trouble, will it?” Maddie looks deeply concerned.
“I’m a grown-ass man darlin’. I won’t be in trouble,” I assure Maddie. “Go get in your car so we can head home. We’ll follow you. I need a minute with Sarge and Stealth.” Maddie gets up and I follow. She walks toward her SVU and I watch her walk for a second. “Be careful, Maddie.” She stops and looks at me.
“I will, friend, and you do the same.” Maddie continues walking to her vehicle and I walk toward my bike and Sarge and Stealth. I mount my bike without a word.