by Vera Quinn
She tilts her head and narrows her eyes. “I can stay by his side for you, Damien. You really need to take a moment for yourself. He would want that.”
She’s right. I realize this. However, the what-ifs are running through my head. What if he wakes up? Which is unlikely. What if he passes before, I’m done with my shower? I’m not quite ready.
Sighing, I reluctantly agree to leave for a few minutes and take a shower. “I’ll do it, but if anything changes, and I mean anything, come get me,” I order, standing from the chair.
Gabby gives me a tight smile and moves to my side. “I will, I promise.” Our eyes connect, and I know she will keep her word.
Without realizing what I’m doing, I pull her close and embrace her. She has been a great friend all these years, in addition to being one hell of a nurse for my dad. With my chin resting on top of her head, I whisper, “Thank you.” I release her then walk out of the room to take the desperately needed shower and moment alone.
After cleaning up, I walk back to my dad’s room and stop short of the door when I hear her sweet voice filling the room. It’s a one-sided conversation, as it is with me, but I want to hear what she says. Quietly, I tiptoe closer to the doorway and lean against the wall just outside the room to hear better. Folding my arms over my chest, I continue to eavesdrop. “Pops. You have been a part of my life for a long time. Well, I should say you and Damien. The two of you have always welcomed me with open arms.” She giggles a bit. “Don’t tell Damien, but I’ve always had a crush on him.” Her statement makes me smile. If only she knew how I have felt about her all these years.
“Between dance classes and school, I had hoped he would notice me. You always told me that when he came around, and it was time, it would knock him backward. I love you, Pops, and I know everything will be okay here.”
Pushing away from the wall, I clear my throat and appear in the doorway. Gabby jumps in her seat, whipping her head around, demanding, “How long have you been standing there?”
Smirking slightly, I say, “Long enough.” I lift my chin, using it to point at my dad as I ask, “How’s he doing?”
Gabby drops her head and responds in a low voice, “Same. We wait for him.”
“Right.” My eyes fall on Pops’ face as I walk over to the chair that has become my second home. Gabby gets up, allowing me to fall into it. “Thanks again for sitting with him.”
“Anytime.” She waves me off, unable to meet my gaze as she leaves the room, but I can hear the quivering in her voice. It hits me. I’ve never thought about how this was affecting her. She was close to Pops too, and I can never thank her and the other nurses enough for taking care of Pops during this difficult time. Gabby made absolutely sure she would be on the hospice team.
When she returns to the room, I stare at her, studying her face. “Dr. Ray will be in tomorrow,” she states and turns to leave once again.
I let her walk away. The red-rimmed eyes and tear-stained face tells me everything. She’s been trying to hold back the tears, but, as with all of us, eventually, they come flying forward, and nothing in our power can stop them.
Knock. Knock.
I lift my head and notice Pops’ doctor. “Hello, Dr. Ray.”
“Hello, Damien,” he greets as he steps into the room. “Shall we see how your dad is doing today?” Dr. Ray checks Pops’ vitals, his eyes, and listens to his chest. “Damien,” Dr. Ray calls out, and I shift my gaze from my pops’ face to him, waiting for him to say more. “How are you holding up?”
“As well as can be expected given what’s going on. Is there anything else we can do for him?”
The man looks tired as he pinches the bridge of his nose and sighs. “I realize this is a difficult situation. I’ve been through it with my own mother. The best we can do is keep him comfortable, which is exactly what we are doing. If there was a cure or something more we could do for him, I would try it in a heartbeat, but there isn’t.”
Nodding, I say, “I understand. Thank you, Dr. Ray.”
After the doctor left, I sent Gabby out for a break or for whatever she needed to get done because all I wanted was some time alone with Pops. With thoughts running through my head, I begin to talk with my father like we did before. We used to lounge around and simply talk. “Remember, Pops, when you taught me to ride a bike? You let go, and I was riding, but I turned back to make sure you were still there. That’s when I fell. You came running to make sure I wasn’t hurt. You always showed love and compassion. You told me, ‘There’s no blood, and your bones aren’t broken. Hop up, and let’s try again. This time, focus on what’s in front of you.’” Hmpf. “What’s in front of me? That has a stronger meaning now, doesn’t it?” My mind wanders through all the times we had conversations; there are two that stand out the most.
“I can recall the time you took me to my first dance class. Sure, I played sports, but dance, dance was it for me. You looked at me and said, ‘Well, son, here you go. This is what you wanted, and I’m here every dance step along the way.’” And Pops was there for each class, every recital, and the many theatre performances.
Leaning back in the chair, I begin to laugh. Some may think I have lost it, but right now, I only want to embrace the good moments of life, to remember my Pops the way he was before cancer. “I know you have to recall the sex talk. That was a classic one.” Pops had shaken his finger at me, saying, “Now, son, you will experiment, I’m sure of it because that’s how it works. My best advice is to wrap that pecker up before you dip it in holes.” I can’t help except belly laugh when I repeat it out loud.
“Oh, Pops, those were some of the best times in my life. Having you as a father, couldn’t compare to anything else. I only hope that one day I will be half the father you were.” Placing my hand in his, I lay my head down beside our hands, wanting nothing more than for him to squeeze. There’s no movement, he’s simplying lying there asleep, but it feels like he’s not really here. I find some comfort from knowing he’s not in as much pain as before.
I kiss his hand, entwining ours together to hold on a little tighter. Taking a deep breath, I close my eyes, allowing the tears to finally cascade down my cheek. “You may or may not be able to hear me, Pops, but I love you…always.” My body shakes with grief as I face the pain of the inevitable. Part of me still held out hope, they would find something to save him, even after he entered hospice. “I’ll always have you in my heart. I’ll always remember you. Most of all, thank you for being the father who let me be me. I know I’m not your typical guy, but you made sure I knew it was okay to be different.” As I say these words to him, I can only hope he hears me and knows how much he meant to me.
Chapter Two
Damien
Three Months Later
Another day, another box to go through. When Pops passed, I had no idea I would have to wade through this much stuff. He had so many things in this house.
Flipping the next box open, I hear a bang on the front door. Gliding down the hallway, I wonder who could be dropping by this time. Everyone in town has come by to drop off food and check on me. And while I appreciate how much everyone cares, listening to them go on and on about Pops is painful. These boxes don’t help either.
Blowing out a breath, I open the door and find Gabby standing on the other side. “Hey,” I greet, a little surprised to see her.
“Hey, yourself. I went by the dance studio. When I found out you weren’t there, I thought I would drop by here. Is that okay?” She’s the only one who has given me any kind of space these last few months.
“Of course. You’re always welcome.” I shift to the side, allowing her to come inside. She’s gorgeous. Her sandy blonde hair, hazel eyes, and sun-kissed skin show off her outward beauty. However, what’s more beautiful than the outside is her heart is how she cares and feels for people, which is one of the best qualities a person can possess. Shaking my head to rid myself of my wayward thoughts, I clear my throat. “What brings you by, anyway?”
“
Well, I wanted to see you. Better yet, I wanted to see you dance. You always move so fluidly that it makes me smile, and I feel everything you are portraying.”
I’m flattered and inwardly punch the air. “Ah, I see. You like to watch my moves.” I smirk and shake my hips from side to side like my father used to do. We both cackle. Damn, it feels good to laugh a little. “I actually took today off so I could get some things done around here.”
“Anything I can help with?” she asks, glancing around the room.
Shrugging, I reply, “I guess you can help me go through some of Pops’ things. There’s more in his bedroom to sort through, and man, he had a lot of stuff.” Waving my hands, I motion for her to follow me as I saunter past her.
Gabby and I make our way to Pops’ room, and as we enter, she scans the space with wide eyes. “Wow!”
“Yeah, I know.”
“Well, where do you want me to start?”
“Anywhere, really. There are boxes to go through if you want to start with those, and I’ll take care of the closet and dresser,” I suggest. We both get to work, and when I open the dresser drawer, I find an envelope with my name on it. “Interesting,” I mumble.
“What is?” Gabby questions.
“This envelope.” I turn to face her, and we take a seat on the bed. “I mean, it’s Pops’ handwriting.”
“Do you want to open it?” I nod because I can’t form any words at the moment. “I’m right here with you,” Gabby promises, placing her hand on my thigh, giving it a small squeeze.
My hands tremble as I flip the envelope over to open it. Sliding the paper out, I unfold it and find a letter from Pops. I read it with Gabby by my side and am even more grateful she dropped by today.
Dear Son,
If you are reading this letter, it means I’ve gone to a better place. You see, when we received the second cancer diagnosis and found out it was more aggressive as well as spreading, I knew there wasn’t much time left. That’s why I sat down and wrote this to you that very same night. If I know you well enough, and believe me, I do, you’re withdrawing, you’re not dancing. Remember, that’s where you’re happiest, and I couldn’t be prouder of you.
For what it worth, and I say that understanding it will take time for you to get over your stubborn streak, you need to return to your dancing. I’ve always loved watching you dance, mesmerized by how you’d get carried away by the music. Let it help you to heal. I may be gone from this world, but I’m still with you. I will always be with you, maybe not in person but in spirit. Your heart and mind will continue to carry me with you.
Now that I have your attention for a moment longer, let’s chat about Gabby. You love that girl, I know you do. You have since you were in school and dance together. Remember, she’s a beautiful soul, and she’s good for you. I know she will push you more than you probably want, but I think you’re going to need it. Son, don’t let her slip away again. If she’s around, make sure you tell her I approve, and I love her.
Go back to being the fun-loving person I know you are.
Love always,
Pops
Closing my eyes, I let the salty tears run down my face, some of them dropping on the letter.
“I agree with him, you know,” Gabby states in a quiet voice beside me.
I chuckle and sniffle at the same time. “What do you agree with?”
“The fact that you need to get back to your dancing. I know you go into the studio and teach, but…” Gabby touches my chest, resting her hand over my heart. “This isn’t in it right now.”
Glancing from her hand to her face, our eyes meet. “I know,” I speak softly. “I need time. I…I needed more time with him. Damn it!” I shout, my voice belligerent. I fly off the bed to pace, my steps heavy and loud. “Fucking cancer took him away, and I want him back. Dancing isn’t exactly on my mind right now, Gabby!” I yell, and the sound echoes off the walls as I throw my hands in the air. My anger is building inside me. I’m furious and hurting, and against my will, more tears begin to fall. “All I want is my pops back.” I stare at Gabby as she sits there, staring at me, allowing me to rant.
She slowly stands and shuffles closer to me with a somber expression on her face. Raising her hands, she places them on my shoulders, and it’s almost comical. She is nearly a foot shorter than me and is the one attempting to comfort me like Pops used to do. “I understand. We all want the ones we love to be around forever, but that’s not how life works.” She runs her fingers down my arms, her touch soothing. Grabbing my hands, she continues to speak, “The ones who leave us, no matter how or when, they always want what is best for us. They know we will hurt and mourn them, but they also understand we will move on with our lives. They want that for us more than anything else. Why do you think he wrote that letter to you, Damien?”
Staring into her crystal blue eyes, I sniffle. “I get how life works, but it doesn’t take away the pain.” Closing my eyes, I take a deep, shuddering breath to calm myself. When I open them again, Gabby has closed hers as well. Studying her beautiful features, I lean down and press a feather-light kiss to her forehead. She doesn’t pull away; she stays in position and releases a breath.
“Thank you,” I whisper as I stand back to my full height.
When she opens her eyes, she is beaming. “You’re welcome.”
Releasing her, I rake my fingers through my hair. “Well, I think I need to get back to cleaning out the house.”
I spin around away from her, and I hear her soft declaration, “I’m staying to help.”
I crack a smile, thinking about how great that sounds to me. I shake my head and bite my lip. “Okay.”
“And now, I’ll be quiet,” she says before giggling.
We’ve been working for a few hours when I hear Gabby’s stomach growl. “Sounds like you might be hungry,” I tease her.
“Yeah, it’s about that time for some food.” We haven’t discussed what my pops wrote in the letter about the two of us. Maybe a meal would be the perfect time to do so. The only thing she referenced from it was how he was right.
“I’ll tell you what, let’s take a break and go have a hot meal. I mean, it’s the least I can do for helping me get through all of this.” I sweep my arm out, indicating the multitude of boxes we have sorted through, and the ones we’ve repacked for donations.
Dropping her hands to her hips, she stares at me with narrowed eyes. Finally, she hums, “Hmm…” and pauses. “Only if we can go to my favorite restaurant.”
Whew, thank goodness, she agreed. I thought maybe she was going to leave to rest and call it a day. “Let’s go then.” I grin widely.
Chapter Three
Damien
Opening the door to Chick-Fil-A, I let Gabby walk in first. It has always been her favorite place. “Here you go, your favorite.”
After we place our order, we find a table and wait for our food. “So, should we address the elephant in the room?” I hedge, setting my drink on the table after taking a sip.
“What elephant?” Gabby sits back in the booth. “As far as I’m concerned, there isn’t one.”
“Right.” I drum my fingers on the table, glancing down for a second before meeting her gaze again. “You were there with me, reading the letter, and I know you saw and heard the words my dad wrote to me,” I declare, leaning forward and dropping my elbows onto the tabletop.
Gabby reaches for her drink to take a small pull before mimicking my position. “I—” She begins to talk, but we’re interrupted as our food arrives.
Sorting out our food from the tray, I prompt, “You were saying.”
She sighs. “I was saying, I absolutely read and heard every word. I only have one question about those fabulous words Pops wrote.”
“I’m all ears.” I take a bite of my chicken.
“Is it true? Do you or have you always had a thing for me?” she inquires, pointing her finger at me.
I swallow the bite of food, then take a drink to wash it down. “That
was more than one question.” I smirk. “But yeah, it’s true. Always has been true. I was too much of a coward to make a move on you.”
“That’s too bad, Damien. I would have responded.”
“What about now? Would you respond now, Gabby?” My finger is tapping against the table again.
I watch as her expression transforms from serious to happy with a slight grin appearing. She slides her hand across the table and grabs mine. “I didn’t pull away from your kiss today, did I?”
“No. No, you didn’t!” I exclaim, shifting forward so I can lift her hand to my lips without dragging her across the table. Her hand relaxes in mine before I release it. My mind is running rampant with thoughts of how this whole thing is going to play out. From the time we were kids, we were good friends, and then my feelings became stronger. I have loved her for a long time. No matter how much I tried to move on, no matter who I tried to be in a relationship with, it never worked. They weren’t her, and I was beginning to believe I was going to become a monk. Today, though, is a new day. What could the future hold for us?
“Damien,” her sweet voice calls my name, bringing me out of my thoughts.
“Yeah?” I answer.
“Where did you go?” she asks, waving her hand in the air.
“Nowhere. Just lost in my thoughts for a moment.” I grin, taking another bite of my food.
We finish our meal and head back to my house. When we arrive and get out of the car, I inquire, “You want to come back inside, or do you need to go?”
As I saunter to her side of the car, I wait for her response, watching her. She drops her head, her shoulders dropping. “I need to get going.”
Well, damn.
“No worries,” I tell her as I step closer, raising her head with my finger to stare into those beautiful orbs. My eyes zoom in on her mouth. Oh, how I want to kiss her lips. Glancing again into her eyes, I breathe in and pull her face closer to mine. Before our lips meet, I whisper, “I’m going to kiss you now.”