‘You don’t look okay,’ Emma said when he didn’t respond. She appeared entirely ill at ease.
Nathan felt bad for calling her when she had enough on her plate. There were plenty of friends he could have rung to pick him up without giving a full explanation of what was wrong. He’d certainly pranged himself enough times for any number of excuses to be plausible. He could have easily pleaded mild concussion as a reason to need an escort home. He should have called Tim and Leanne.
‘I’m losing it.’ It was possible he didn’t know Emma well enough to be making such confessions, but it needed to be said and he needed to start somewhere.
‘Oh.’
Nathan didn’t know how to explain. He just passed her the form so she could read it for herself. Emma’s glasses hid chestnut-brown eyes that reminded him of Bambi.
After studying the piece of paper, Emma’s Bambi eyes took him in and she did the one thing he wasn’t expecting. She opened her arms and held him in a hug.
‘You know I don’t have a car, don’t you?’
Before the embrace even started, it was over. Despite its brevity, it made him feel marginally better about life. Perhaps he had called the right person after all, even though they were practically strangers. They were just two people with lumps.
‘But you said you can drive?’
‘Just because I have a driving licence doesn’t mean I have a car.’
‘So how are you giving me a lift home?’
‘You only said you needed an escort. We’re catching the bus.’
Nathan smiled. ‘That wasn’t quite what I was imagining, but thank you for coming to my rescue.’ He’d been about to list the reasons they shouldn’t catch a bus, but then realised he didn’t really have any. Just because he hadn’t been on one since he’d passed his driving test at seventeen, it didn’t mean it wasn’t a viable transport option. ‘I think I might have forgotten how to use them.’
‘I’m not asking you to drive it.’
There was something so pragmatic about Emma that the comment made Nathan laugh.
‘I don’t think anyone would trust me to drive it.’
Emma’s serious expression turned into a cheeky grin, and for a fleeting moment he imagined her without her glasses and with her hair down. For a second, he was somewhere else entirely. Wow. Nathan shook his head. Where did that come from?
‘Come on,’ she said, that playful smirk still in action. ‘We’ll miss the next one if we hang around here too long.’
He followed Emma with a new sense of purpose, although that was fairly hard when he didn’t have a clue where the bus stop was. He was fully reliant on her directions to get them where they needed to be.
‘Why do you think it happened then?’ Emma asked once they were outside the hospital.
‘It’s embarrassing.’
‘I’m going to point out that this week I had you, a virtual stranger, hold my hand while a doctor squished my boob in the right direction to get a tissue sample. That’s pretty high on the chart of embarrassing things, so you have to tell me. Whether you want to or not.’
To be fair, he had to tell someone, and she was the only person he was prepared to turn to. ‘I can’t believe I had a panic attack. I honestly thought I was going to die. It felt like I was having a heart attack – it was so hard to breathe. The last thing I remember is being on the plane and wondering if this is how it all ends. Apparently I passed out at that point. The next thing I remember is the plane going in to land with an ambulance waiting on the ground.’
‘Sorry, I think I’m missing something. Which bit was embarrassing?’ Emma stopped as they reached the bus shelter.
Nathan had thought it would be obvious. ‘Well, it wasn’t a heart attack, was it?’
‘No, but you shouldn’t be embarrassed by it. What do you think set it off?’
‘I’m not sure. I’m not really the kind of guy who expects to end up having a panic attack.’ He wasn’t sure he’d believe it himself if it wasn’t for the piece of paper now in his pocket.
‘I don’t think anyone ever expects to have one. It’s not happened before then?’
‘Never. It’s not the kind of thing someone in my line of work can have going on.’
‘So do you know what caused it?’
Nathan hadn’t thought about it – hadn’t really wanted to think about it – but as soon as Emma asked the question, he knew what the answer was. The realisation winded him.
‘It’s the not knowing, isn’t it?’ Emma said it before he was able to.
Nathan took a deep breath. ‘It’s stupid, but I can’t stop thinking about it.’
A bus pulled into the stop. Emma signalled for them to go over. It turned out buses hadn’t changed much in the decade since his school days, when he’d last got on one. The only difference was Emma had a fancy card that she had to scan, whereas he had to pay.
‘It’s not stupid,’ Emma said. ‘I’ve thought about nothing else all week. I haven’t been eating properly, I’ve been so worried. It’s just so monumental. It has the potential to change everything.’ They settled onto a seat at the back of the bus, away from any other passengers.
It really did, when he thought about it. But he’d known about this for so long. He hadn’t expected to react this way when the moment finally came. ‘Can I tell you something that’s going to sound really stupid?’
‘Go on.’
‘I’ve always thought I was going to die aged twenty-seven. I’ve always had this recurring dream that this is the year when it all ends. So, when I found the lump, it wasn’t a surprise.’ It was the first time he’d admitted the dream out loud to another person.
‘Well, that’s different. But I don’t plan to die at twenty-seven, so you can’t either.’ A fold appeared between Emma’s eyebrows. ‘You can’t honestly believe a dream has predicted your future?’ She peered over her glasses at him, looking every inch the librarian she was.
‘I know. It sounds crackers, but I’ve had it that frequently I’ve always thought it was true. The problem is, because I’ve always thought I know when I’m going to die, I thought I would be ready for it. Like it would be some kind of homecoming. For my whole life, death has never scared me, and yet suddenly it’s within reaching distance and I’m petrified.’
‘That’s certainly a way to stockpile your conviction. You won’t believe you’re going to live if you think like that. It might still be nothing. Your statistical odds are far better than mine. Thoughts like that will stop you from fighting before you’ve even started.’
The bus pulled over at a stop before trundling off on its way again.
Emma was right, but it was going to be a hard mindset for Nathan to shift given the constant reminders his subconscious liked to provide him with. ‘It might be nothing, but I can’t shake the feeling it definitely is cancer. That my dream has been trying to tell me something.’
‘And if you’re anything like me, you’re counting the minutes until you find out.’
‘When do you find out?’ Nathan had never known time to go so slowly – usually his life whizzed past – but he realised he was being selfish, worrying about his own imminent death when Emma was facing exactly the same prospect.
‘Next week. And it can’t come soon enough. I might end up doing something else silly if I’m not careful. I know it’s the reason I walked out of work.’
‘Maybe work didn’t deserve you if you were that happy to walk out.’
‘Yeah, maybe. I just can’t afford to not go in.’
‘So did you go back with your tail between your legs?’
‘No. I called in sick. I’m not going to go back until I have the results. My arsehole boss might be a bit more sympathetic if it turns out I have the big C.’
Nathan laughed inappropriately. ‘Sorry, it’s just I didn’t expect you to swear. You don’t seem the type.’ Not that he was even sure what he meant by that. She just seemed like the kind of calm person who tended to be super polite all the
time.
‘Believe me, if there is anyone in the world who deserves to be called names, it’s Trevor.’
‘He sounds delightful. I’ll have to pop into the library just to see what you’re having to put up with. Not that I know where the library is.’ Nathan took note of their surroundings. ‘And where are we anyway?’
‘We get off in a couple of stops.’
‘I hope you’re not going out of your way to get me home?’
‘I’ve had to move a few things about, but it’s okay, because it turns out you’re two streets away from me. There’s only one stop difference and it’ll be a quick walk for me to get back.’
They arrived at the right stop and got off the bus. Nathan admired how different the scenery was when his gaze wasn’t stuck on the road. The bus journey hadn’t been so bad, especially with Emma keeping him company.
‘Well, thank you for getting me out of the hospital. I didn’t really want to involve anyone else.’ His friends would have asked for more details than he was willing to share.
‘I’m walking you all the way home,’ Emma insisted. ‘So, you still haven’t told anyone yet?’
‘No. Like you said, it might be nothing. I don’t want to worry anyone unnecessarily. What about you?’
‘Me neither. I don’t want to think about what’s going to happen if it is. I plan on living in happy denial for a while longer.’
‘Look, it’s still early… Do you want to do something?’ It was only half three and he could do without sitting at home alone while both his housemates were still at work.
Emma checked her watch. ‘I’d love to, but I need to be back by half four to sort my mum’s dinner out. Sorry, it’s a bit of a bind, but she can’t do it herself.’
‘But we have an hour.’
‘Yeah, but it’s not really long enough to do anything, is it? There’s nothing to do round here.’
‘Hold up.’ Nathan stopped quickly to turn and face Emma, nearly sending her off balance. ‘Never are we wasting another hour. An hour is sacred. An hour could open up a universe. An hour could change the world.’
‘Oh-kaaay. So what are we doing with this hour?’
‘I haven’t worked that out yet.’ He should have probably come up with something before starting his speech.
Emma flashed her cute semi-grin. ‘Definitely sounds life-changing.’
‘I know.’ Inspiration suddenly hit him. ‘You need to cook for your mum, right?’
‘Yes.’
‘So, how about we have a barbeque? I can cook for you both and you can have a night off for once. I keep meaning to have one but haven’t got round to it. We just need to go buy the food and we can grab my portable barbeque from my house. Sound like a plan?’
‘But it’s February!’
‘So?’
Emma turned her head, obviously looking in the direction of her home. ‘I’m not sure. My mum needs a lot of help. She might not be comfortable with a stranger around while she’s eating.’
‘If that’s the case, I can cook and go. I don’t have to stay.’ Nathan moved nearer to catch her attention again. She was still staring in the opposite direction. When she didn’t turn back, he tried one last time. ‘It’s just a chance to not waste an hour, and to distract us both from the fact time is moving appallingly slowly while we’re waiting to find out exactly what we’re facing.’
At last Emma returned her attention to him, as if she’d found her way back into the room. ‘We’re going to have a barbeque in February so we don’t waste an hour of our lives?’
‘Pretty much.’ Nathan nodded.
‘You’re nuts.’
‘It’s been said before.’
Emma extended her hand. ‘You’re on.’
They shook on it. ‘To never wasting an hour.’ And all of a sudden, Nathan wanted to be holding a lot more than just her hand.
Ten
Emma
The thought of never wasting an hour was making Emma think she’d lost too many already. As they headed to the shop for supplies, a realisation came to her… Life wasn’t what she’d expected it to be. It didn’t mean that she wasn’t content, but like everyone, she hadn’t been aware of her future story. Being a carer wasn’t what she’d dreamed of being bound to as she’d grown. She’d dreamed of owning a quaint cottage and running her own mobile library. She’d dreamed of something that was far closer to independence.
‘What would you do, if you knew you could only do one more thing? What would be your last thing?’ she asked, hoping that heading to the local supermarket for sausages didn’t end up being her last thing. Not that planning a barbeque for her mum wasn’t a nice thing to be doing – her mum would love it, even if it was going to be without the benefit of sunshine.
‘That’s a big question. I thought we were trying to distract ourselves from our life predicaments. Shouldn’t we be sticking with things like whether lettuce or onion will be our token burger vegetable of choice?’
Emma glanced at him. Nathan was wearing a plain white T-shirt and shorts. Nobody who’d just been discharged from hospital should look that good in a plain T-shirt or be wearing something so seasonally inappropriate. She had to remind herself to pay attention to what he was saying, not what he was wearing. ‘No question – fried onions are a barbeque essential. And I didn’t mean it in a morbid way. I’m realising that I spend far too much of life just… getting on. I do things in order for life to function, not necessarily because they’re the things I want to do.’
‘I think you’re asking the wrong person.’ Nathan grabbed a basket once they were through the automatic doors.
‘Why? You’re the never-waste-an-hour guy.’
‘Because I’ve spent my life pretending that everything was the last thing I was ever going to do. And I’ve got no closer to discovering the meaning of life as a result. I’m not even sure if I can remember all the things that should be on a barbeque shopping list. Right, what do we need?’
They bounced about the aisles collecting all the burgers, sausages, bread rolls, relish and salad they’d need to create a decent barbeque. Nathan was a ball of energy catapulting from one display to the next. It was like spending time with a five-year-old and feeling instantly worn out from their level of enthusiasm for life. If there was a pill for Nathan’s outlook on life, Emma wanted to take one.
Watching Nathan, Emma realised the answer to her own question and it stopped her in her tracks. ‘I’m not sure if my answer is valid.’
‘The answer to what?’
‘What’s the last thing I’d do if I could choose anything? It seems so selfish to say it, but I’d love to spend a day with my mum from ten years ago. Before things got so bad.’ Emma loved her mother no matter what, but she missed the freedom of just being, of doing things without thought. She’d love a single day of that feeling.
‘I get that. I’d love to spend a day with my mum. She died when I was young.’
Emma instantly recognised her faux pas. Her mum might not be the version of herself that she once was, but she was still in Emma’s life and a firm fixture in her daily routine. Her father had left when she was seven, but at least she had the ability to call him if she ever wanted to. She was lucky. ‘God, I’m so sorry. I should have realised. When did it happen?’ Finding the right words was proving to be beyond her capabilities.
‘The day I was born. So an entire day with her truly would be beyond anything I’ve ever experienced before.’
Nathan picked up a tin of sweetcorn before returning it to the shelf and heading towards the chilled section.
Emma followed. ‘My goodness. I’m so sorry. I don’t even know what to say.’ She lived in fear of losing her mum, and her heart ached as she watched her mother fade, but she couldn’t imagine having not had her in her life. It was an impossibility.
‘You don’t need to say anything. I was fortunate to have grandparents that were sprightly enough to keep up with me until they passed.’ Nathan caught her eye and placed an ar
m around her shoulders.
Emma was pretty sure it was an act of reassurance. She should be the one dishing those out, seeing as she was the one digging holes. ‘I’m so sorry. I can’t even begin to imagine. Was your dad ever about?’
‘He’s never been very reliable. He reacted badly to my mum’s death and took off. He had a string of relationships afterwards. I ended up with a half-brother, Marcus, out of one of them, but my dad never had much to do with me. It was decided very early on that I would live with my mother’s parents. It was a long time ago now, but even then I knew I was better off with them. Anyway, enough about me. Being that all the things we’ve wished for so far won’t ever come true, what is it you’d actually do? What one last thing would you do if it were humanly possible?’
Nathan was moving the subject on, and who wouldn’t with that history of loss? She wanted to find the place where all that hurt existed and dish out a hug. But they were in a supermarket, with a security guard trailing them for something to do. The window closed quicker than it had opened when Nathan moved his arm from her shoulders.
Emma thought back to the question. The one experience she’d missed out on so far made her blush. She fumbled for another suggestion. ‘I guess it would have to be a break from the routine. I don’t feel like I’ve done enough adventurous things with my life. I’d love to go on a road trip, but it’s the kind of thing I’m not sure I’d ever get around to doing.’
‘Where are we driving to first?’ Nathan asked, as if they were about to go off and do it instead of filling the shopping basket with bread rolls and burgers.
Emma stopped to imagine for a minute. She landed on a place where nothing else existed. Where there were no concerns about what she needed to do next. ‘Puffins. We’re going to head off to see puffins.’ She’d always wanted to see one in the wild, ever since she was a little girl. It stemmed from her obsession with books. The small bird was the emblem of some of her first childhood reads. Often, in the same way people liked to sniff the pages of books, she would stroke her fingers along the spine, curious about the bird as much as the title printed on the side.
99 Days With You Page 4