‘It’s okay.’
‘And we kind of are. Partners, that is. In this, if nothing else.’
Emma had never had a partner. She’d never come close. ‘Do you think we’ll make it through this?’
It was too big a question. It was too unquantifiable. How did anyone ever know where life was going to take them when it wasn’t always possible to be in the driving seat?
‘One day at a time. Hell, let’s break it down to one hour at a time. That’s all we can do.’
‘And that’s why we should never waste an hour?’
‘Never. Which is why we should say yes to the fertility referral.’
Emma had been so busy coping with her mother that she’d never thought about having kids herself. Dates had never developed into relationships, so it wasn’t like she’d ever been in that position. Not even close. But in the face of everything that was going on, it seemed only right to grab hold of this one glimmer of light.
‘Together?’ Emma asked.
‘Because we’re partners.’ Nathan raised his mug to hers and chinked them as if they’d just come to some business agreement.
‘Partners,’ Emma repeated, unsure of which variety they were, but accepting at that moment it didn’t matter.
The only thing that mattered was that they kept fighting.
Twenty-Two
Nathan
Even though Nathan was all dressed up in a hospital gown with only a cannula for company, he wasn’t able to think of anything other than Emma as they wheeled him to the theatre. Kissing her had been the right thing to do. It had been a perfect moment. One he wished to live over and over. But it wasn’t powerful enough to push away the fear.
There was no escaping the fact he was drawing closer to the point he thought was inevitable. This was his last year. It was only a matter a time before he would draw his last breath.
He just had to hope it wasn’t too soon. Or too late to tell Emma about his concerns.
Hospital room.
Struggling to breathe.
A baby crying…
Twenty-Three
Emma
Writing a list with a pen and paper couldn’t distract her, but Emma had to do something to occupy her mind while she waited for Nathan. She realised her fingers were crossed. She was holding onto the hope that once Nathan’s lump was removed, that was all the treatment he would require.
Emma’s surroundings weren’t helping the time pass. The day surgery ward was a room with six beds and poor lighting. The cubicles were separated by flimsy curtains, and as each patient was seen, there wasn’t much chance of not hearing what procedure they were having done. Nathan’s bed was by the window, but the view was only of another brick building, so that wasn’t providing any distraction. She would be so glad when they got out of here. After today, getting home had never been a more refreshing thought.
He should have been out by now. All being well, they’d said he would be back on the ward by two, but the clock had passed that point a quarter of an hour ago.
So to fill her time, she was writing down a to-do list for Nathan’s charity idea. They’d been so occupied they’d not talked about it further. It was nice to have a practical thing to focus on to help distract her from the lump in her throat and the tears threatening to spill at any moment.
Decide on a name
Set up a charity number
Open a charity bank account
Emma scratched out bullet points on the page and doodled trees and flowers round each one with far more detail than she would ever normally stretch to.
Generally, when she made plans, it was with the help of books. She’d been a bookworm since she was a kid and had spent countless hours daydreaming about future quests or gaining infinite knowledge on subjects she knew nothing about.
It had worked. She had spent entire days as a geisha and evenings at Lake Garda, and had kissed sexy vampires for a bit of variety. She’d reached more exotic corners of the world than she could name and a few worlds beyond the one in which she existed. But did any of that help her to leave a mark on life? Even her dream to see puffins seemed so small next to Nathan’s desire to set up a charity. It wasn’t about comparisons though. It was about doing something they both truly desired. And it was giving Emma something positive to think about.
Or at least she was trying to think about it. But something was throwing her off. That kiss. His lips. The talk of being partners. Had she inadvertently, on the worst day of her life thus far, ended up bagging herself a man? If that wasn’t a silver lining, she didn’t know what was.
The kiss. The softness of his lips on hers. That connection made complete. She didn’t have much experience in such matters, but somehow she knew that kissing didn’t get much better than that.
Giving up on trying to progress Nathan’s plans, she started doodling again instead. As usual, she drew puffins. It was strange to have such an affinity with an animal she’d never seen. She put it down to its association with books from her childhood and the colour of its bill. Her mother had bought a Puffin series for her and she’d loved those books until they were worn out. Seeing the image so often, curled up in bed with it every night, meant she’d always wanted to see one in the wild. It seemed like such an odd creature to exist on the British Isles – she didn’t even need to get on a plane to see one in its natural habitat. She just hadn’t ever got round to doing it. Like so many other things in her life.
A patient was wheeled back into the day ward. Emma should be concentrating on writing helpful lists. Although that was easier said than done. Especially since Nathan still wasn’t out of surgery.
The patient wasn’t Nathan, and Emma started to get restless. Even though she didn’t believe that Nathan’s dream was an actual prediction of the future like he did, she still felt apprehensive. If Nathan truly believed it, couldn’t it become a self-fulfilling prophecy? If that concept was so fixed in his head, if he thought nothing would make any difference to the eventual outcome, would he even want to have treatment?
As one hour became two, and then three, these worries whirred and buzzed around her head. Several times the nurse came along with reassurances that she’d let Emma know as soon as she heard anything.
Just as she was about to enquire again, the nurse walked over to where she was sitting. Rather than speak to her straight away, she made the effort to pull the curtains around. They scrapped against the metal with the horrid sound of nails scratching across a chalkboard.
Emma wasn’t sure why; it wasn’t like the flimsy material would stop everyone else in the unit from hearing what was about to be said. But it didn’t seem like a good sign.
‘I’ve just heard back from the doctors. They’ve decided to keep Nathan in. Once he comes out of recovery he’ll be going to ward D4.’
Every hair on Emma’s body rose in alert. It was a simple procedure. She shouldn’t be hearing news like this today. ‘What happened?’
The nurse looked like she didn’t know what to say.
Twenty-Four
Nathan
Bright lights.
Searing pain.
A cut down Nathan’s side.
A rib on display.
The slice of a scalpel.
A tube in his mouth.
This wasn’t how the dream should go.
Nathan didn’t like this new ending.
This new ending was panic and pain.
It wasn’t gasping for breath; it was grappling at whatever was in his mouth to get it out. To make this stop.
Nathan was deep inside the matrix and his only way out was to fight and fight hard.
He pushed against the arms that held him. He attempted to shout above the voices that were booming instructions. He employed everything within him in order to survive, because however accepting he was of the idea of death, this was not how it was meant to happen. He was certain of that.
This wasn’t a dream. This was a nightmare.
Twenty-Five
&nbs
p; Emma
Nathan didn’t look the same when he was unconscious. His skin was a shade paler. His hair a touch darker. His muscles slack.
Emma didn’t want to leave him there. It seemed wrong to when he looked so helpless. If she’d had any idea that this was going to happen, she would have had the foresight to sort out someone to care for her mother.
She had his hand held between hers. Apart from its warmth, it was as lifeless as the rest of him. ‘I need to go back and sort Mum out. I should be able to come back later. Hopefully you’ll be more awake by then.’
She wasn’t even sure if Nathan could hear her. If he understood that she had to go home for her mother.
He’d been heavily sedated after waking during his procedure. They’d expected him to be stirring already, but thus far the effects of the extra sedation hadn’t worn off. It was heartbreaking to see the active, energetic, handsome man she knew reduced to this. She’d never even seen him sleeping before.
She lingered, not wanting to leave him, in the same way she didn’t want to abandon her mother.
In the end, it was the logistics that secured her decision. Even though Nathan was asleep, at least he wasn’t alone and fending for himself. The nursing staff were there to look after him, whereas her mother was alone. If anything were to happen to her, Emma would never forgive herself.
She treated herself to a taxi journey. Nathan would have been proud of her. It was getting late and she wasn’t in a fit enough state to deal with other people or any of the plethora of variables the bus journey often presented.
And for the first time in a very long time she wanted her mum. She was so used to looking after her that she’d become quite independent. It tended to be her mother who needed her, not the other way round. But right now she’d do anything for a hug from her. More had been piled into her little universe today than she’d ever thought possible.
As soon as she got home she felt the tears come. She’d managed to bottle them up right until she crossed the threshold, and then they were unleashed in a great rush.
‘Come here, baby.’
On hearing the upset, Carole had managed to do something she was barely capable of any more – she had wheeled herself towards the hallway.
‘Oh, Mum. You’ll end up hurting yourself.’
‘Never mind that. Come here and tell me what’s going on.’
Emma rested her head on her mother’s lap and let her hair be stroked. Where did she even start? Because she realised that whatever she said about Nathan meant giving a full disclosure of everything that was going on. It was time her mum knew.
It wouldn’t be an easy thing to do, but right at that moment Emma no longer knew what she was protecting her mother from. She’d thought of her as a fragile person who might not be able to withstand seeing her daughter going through such an ordeal. She’d had it in her head that, as well as possibly finishing her off, it might finish her mother off as well.
But her mother wasn’t that person. She didn’t need to be constantly coddled and cared for. She was much stronger than that. This was the woman who jumped out of planes for kicks. While her body might not be as capable as they’d like it to be, her mental strength was far beyond anything Emma had witnessed before.
‘I’m really sorry, Mum. I should have told you before.’ Emma was surprised to find that cohesive sentences escaped her lips. But then she stalled. How should she sum up everything that she needed to say?
‘Whatever it is, you can tell me. What’s happened with Nathan? Are you okay?’
Emma realised there was only one real place to start, and that was the beginning.
‘Nathan and I didn’t really meet on the bus.’ The tale that followed seemed to be endless. She explained how they’d met, how Nathan had volunteered to be with her for her examination and how she’d repaid the favour. She explained that she’d had her results and the news wasn’t good, that there would be surgery and treatment taking place in the weeks ahead. Though she’d struggled to find the words to start with, they soon found their way out in a barrage of information and tears.
‘Oh, sweetheart. Why didn’t you tell me before? What a thing to endure all by yourself.’
Emma was sobbing to the point her nose was dripping. ‘But I’ve had Nathan. Until today.’
‘What’s happened to Nathan? Don’t tell me…’ Emma’s mum looked horrified as the unimaginable, unutterable thought ran through her.
‘No, not that. He had his procedure today to remove his lump. It was supposed to be day surgery and he should have been in and out. Only it wasn’t as straightforward as they hoped it would be.’
‘What happened?’
Even though they were in an uncomfortable position, with Carole’s wheelchair in the lounge doorway and Emma curled into her lap with her bottom in the hallway, they didn’t move. There was no point moving until the whole story was told.
‘He woke up during the procedure. He was sedated to the required level for his build, but apparently it wasn’t as effective as normal. He woke up thrashing and trying to pull the ventilator out of his mouth. They had to put him under heavy sedation to complete the operation and now he’s not waking up.’
It sounded horrible out loud. Nathan had experienced what no person ever should. Emma couldn’t even imagine the pain. She hoped that when he woke up he wouldn’t remember.
‘What are you doing back here? You should be with him.’
‘I couldn’t leave you by yourself. I needed to come back and sort you out.’ Emma felt more useful here than she had there. She hadn’t known what to do with herself in the hospital, faced with such an unexpected, horrifying set of circumstances.
‘My girl, you have got to stop doing everything for me to the detriment of yourself.’ Emma’s mother paused for a moment, swallowing down emotions that were yet to surface. ‘Is Nathan by himself? Does he have any family with him?’ Although she hadn’t known Nathan for long, much like Emma, she had a soft spot for him already.
‘His mum died when he was born and his dad hasn’t ever really been part of his life. He’s only got a half-brother who he isn’t really in contact with. He’s got me down as his next of kin because he knew his brother wouldn’t be interested in what was going on. They’re not close at all.’
‘We need to go to the hospital then. He can’t be there by himself. If his family can’t be about, then we’ll be his family.’
‘But we haven’t pre-booked a car?’ Whenever they headed to her mother’s hospital appointments, it was always a planned outing – anything unplanned tended to be in the back of an ambulance with a screaming siren.
‘The buses are still running. And it’s late enough that the wheelchair space won’t be filled with buggies. We can eat in their canteen. Come on, sweetie. You can’t be here when you need to be there.’
Even though her mother needed help with navigating the wheelchair along the road and onto the bus, for the first time in a long while she put herself in charge. She was being Mum, her maternal instinct to take control, to help her daughter, coming to the fore.
Emma hadn’t realised it was what she’d needed. The idea of telling her mother about her cancer and the complexities it would cause them had been too overwhelming to face. She realised now it was because she’d already written her mum off.
It was wrong of her, she was aware of that now, but she’d defined her mother as incapable because of her disability. She’d thought that finding out her daughter was ill would perhaps make her condition worse. Perhaps that was still a possibility, but for now she was witnessing something else. As her mum instructed her every step of the way to the hospital, she was watching the fight-or-flight reflex in action. It turned out her mother would never be someone who ran away from life’s problems. She was gloved up and ready to take action in whatever way she was able to.
Perhaps it required taking flight for the fight to kick in. When her mother had flown through the sky, there was no doubt she had been reunited with her s
pirit on the way down. Whatever zest for life had been lost along the way seemed to have returned, just at the point they all needed it.
When they returned to Nathan’s bedside, there was no change. He was still pale. His hair was flat and unmoving. Everything without his usual characteristic bounce. He looked like he was sleeping and yet Emma knew he wasn’t.
‘Why isn’t he awake yet?’ Emma wasn’t able to hide the despair in her voice. Surely people were supposed to wake up in the recovery room, and when they got to the ward they should be up and chatting and drinking tea and eating toast.
‘The doctors think the sedation is taking a little longer to leave his body than usual. Rest assured he is being monitored closely.’
The nurse’s words were no reassurance whatsoever.
‘When do you expect him to wake up?’ Emma’s mother asked with a steady tone, something that her daughter was unable to muster.
‘It could be anytime, but he needs to sleep it off and his system needs to get over the extra dose of sedative he’s had. He should be back to normal by tomorrow morning.’
They both returned to Nathan’s bedside none the wiser. Emma took hold of his hand and in turn her mum held her hand.
Somehow it was all a little easier with her mother by her side. In this fight-or-flight world, they were choosing to fight – together.
Nathan
I wish I was able to write down these words. I wish I could send them to you instead of them being trapped.
Right now, I am lost.
Not in the daily grind. Somewhere else. Somewhere not here.
And it isn’t the dream – not the one I’ve been trapped in for the past twenty-seven years.
There is birdsong trying to bring me home. A gentle, persistent chirping. It won’t let me rest here. It wants me to come back to you. It’s calling me to the landing square. It promises that if I follow the path, lit up by the floodlights, it will welcome me with open arms.
99 Days With You Page 10