Doris wasn’t answering, even though Nathan left a pause. A tree creaking in the wind made him wonder if some other spirits wanted to wade in on the conversation. It was enough to make him pull his coat tighter around him.
‘I don’t suppose I’ve ever thought about it in the right way. I wonder how the rest of the world would react if, when they were born, they got to know when they would die? Hopefully not everyone would behave like me. Hopefully there would be some people who would act a little kinder. Do something a bit more worthy than I have. I’m not even sure why I chose this hedonistic whirl of a life.’
Nathan moved his head nearer to the clover patch, ignoring the chilly blast of the wind. He hoped a closer inspection might yield a lucky shamrock, but the light was too poor to even attempt to find one.
‘I think it’s because I was trying to prove the dream wrong. Almost willing myself to die at a younger age so it wasn’t right. What kind of twisted, messed-up thinking is that, Doris?’
The markings on Doris’s grave weren’t clear enough to work out how old she was when she died. How long her life had been was impossible to tell. But what did the dates matter? Nathan was sure he’d read a quote somewhere that the important bit was the dash in-between and all the days it represented. How many they would be was impossible to know. Even with the notion that he would die at the age of twenty-seven, he had no idea on which of the 365 days it would happen. He should be making the dash count, not obsessing over the end point.
‘And here I am getting it all wrong again. How has a baby crying in a dream ended up changing what I do in life? If I do end up creating life, is that really such a bad thing? And if it’s with Emma – the woman I’ve fallen in love with – would that be so wrong?’
Nathan used both hands for the four-leaf-clover hunt, as if this patch of land would grant him the luck the rest of life was depriving him of.
‘You see, the problem is I’ve never worked out the reason for the dream. I feel like it must have a purpose, and the puzzle is working out what that is. I’ve always just regarded it as a warning. It’s been telling me that this is what’s going to happen, so make the most of your life. Do everything you can to make your life whole. Funny, isn’t it? How when you get closer to the end it’s anything but – how you see what you’ve been missing and where you’ve gone wrong. Do you know what I mean, Doris?’
It was hard to know if Doris would have had these same thoughts. Would anyone live their life like Nathan had? ‘I just wish I’d done something a bit more fulfilling with it all, you know? Hopefully I’m not leaving it too late with the idea of setting up this Everlasting Acts charity.’
It was getting colder, and the light wasn’t much help on Nathan’s clover hunt. It was time to give up and move on, like he should have done a while ago. If he wasn’t welcome inside the cottage, he’d have to find the nearest pub with the help of his phone. As he checked his pockets, he realised he must have left it behind.
He wasn’t ready to move quite yet though. He didn’t want to leave without giving Doris the whole story.
‘You see, the thing is, they found a lump. It’s gone now – they’ve taken it. But it’s not as simple as that, is it? They have to make sure you’re safe – make sure nothing is destined to return. And I do wonder, what even is the point? Is there any point in prolonging the agony if I know it’s going to finish me all the same?’
Nathan hugged his coat around him, knowing it was time to move whether he wanted to or not. The wind was freezing his limbs solid, and if he didn’t thaw soon, his senses might never return.
‘It’s been nice talking to you, Doris. It’s a relief to be able to say things out loud and not worry about the weight of those words or what it’ll make you think of me.’ It was mad to think that even though his dream was one of the most affecting parts of his life, he rarely spoke to anyone about it, confiding only in his dream diary. Emma was the first person he’d ever been fully frank with, but being frank had hurt her feelings. What a mess. ‘I hope we get to meet on the other side, wherever that is.’
‘Nathan!’
The sound of his name nearly made him trip as he was attempting to get up. He sure as hell hoped Doris hadn’t turned up to make their union occur earlier than he wanted. He wasn’t ready to play at being a ghost just yet.
But he knew there was only one person around here who would be calling his name.
‘Nattthhhaaannn!’
Emma was shouting from the doorway of the cottage, and if his intuition was still intact despite the cold, he was pretty sure the cry was edged with a touch of fear.
Moving as fast as he was able to while shivering, Nathan responded to Emma’s call. ‘What is it?’ he asked when he reached her.
‘The hospital’s been trying to call you. I think it’s urgent.’
Thirty-Eight
Of course Nathan knew the hospital was trying to get hold of him. He’d been trying his very best to ignore that fact. Whatever level of urgency they deemed the results to have, he’d decided not to let it affect the time he was spending with Emma. Although he was doing a fairly good job of ruining that himself.
Standing in the light of the doorway, Emma looked exceptionally cute in an oversized woollen jumper, a panicked flush colouring her cheeks.
‘Thank fudge you’re okay. Are you coming in?’
Nathan smiled. He didn’t know anyone else polite enough to use ‘fudge’, when he was sure another F-word would be on the lips of most other people he knew. ‘If I’m welcome?’
Emma waved him in. She was clearly cold. If the jumper wasn’t enough to give that away, the fact she was shivering definitely was.
‘Why didn’t you tell me?’
‘What do you mean?’
Even though Emma seemed cold, her reception was so far warmer than what he’d been hoping for. He just didn’t want to walk straight into another argument. They’d done enough of that already this evening.
‘Why haven’t you told me that the hospital wants to see you? That you should be there, not here?’
‘I didn’t know that. Not for sure.’ He’d suspected, maybe. When they’d been travelling earlier, he’d opted to ignore the call. He hadn’t wanted to wake Emma when she needed sleep, and he thought if it were especially important they’d leave a message.
Instead they’d rung again. And again. ‘How do you know?’ It suddenly occurred to him that, as he wasn’t certain of its importance, he wasn’t sure how Emma could be.
Emma passed him his phone. ‘There’s a text message from your cancer support nurse. It sounds pretty urgent. You should call them.’
‘We need to warm this place up. That’s what we need to do right now.’ It was as cold in their accommodation as it had been in the graveyard.
‘We need to go home.’
‘Do you want to go home?’ Nathan wouldn’t blame her if she did. He’d been far too cold and distant with her, and on top of that the place was like an ice cube.
‘No, I don’t mean that. I mean you need to get back to the hospital.’
Nathan could hear Emma’s frustration – like reasoning with him was becoming a complete and utter impossibility. How did he even begin to explain?
‘Look, it’s late. We’re not going anywhere tonight, and there’s no way we should leave without doing what we came here to do. There’s no point in us having travelled this far if we don’t attempt to see some puffins tomorrow. Doing that’s not going to change anything.’
There was a wood-burning stove, and Nathan started to tackle it – adding kindling and paper and making a cosy nest, ready to light. ‘Whether I call them today or tomorrow or the next day, it’s not going to change what the results are. My life isn’t going to improve by rushing to find out what I already know.’
‘But you don’t know yet, do you? You don’t know what they’ll want to do or when your treatment might need to start.’
The kindling started to spark and Nathan nursed the flames to ensure the f
ire caught and would keep going for the rest of the evening. ‘I know it’s not good news. You do too. We both know the hospital wouldn’t be chasing me if it was to award me with a hamper for being a good patient. We should embrace the not knowing while we can.’
‘But what if they need to book you in for something? What if they want your treatment to start as soon as possible to give you a better chance? You need to ring them.’
‘Come here.’ Nathan pulled Emma down onto the sofa, where they would both be able to appreciate the growing warmth of the fire. There was a blanket folded over the back so he pulled that loose for them both to snuggle under. Tonight was not a night for worrying about the maybes. There were so many of them. They’d constantly chased him all his life. They’d upset the balance of this trip. But they shouldn’t be given the power to stop him living. Or Emma. ‘Whatever it is, it can wait. A day or two isn’t going to make enough difference to worry about it.’
‘How can you be so cool about it? Aren’t you worried?’ Emma softened as she began to nuzzle in closer to him. She was moving on autopilot, and without meaning to she was warming him up more than any fire ever would.
For the first time in Nathan’s sleep-deprived stretch, tiredness was beginning to take a hold, but he had good reason to ignore it for now. ‘There’s a ball of fear that I’ve been carrying around with me for years. It’s funny how fear can drive you to do weird and crazy things, but never really to the place you want to be. There’s no point in worrying about the things that aren’t going to change.’
‘But the dream changed, and you’ve been worrying about that.’
‘And I shouldn’t have.’ Talking to a grave had made Nathan see how stupidly he was behaving. ‘The whole thing is a perfect example of fearing shadows that aren’t there. I’ve made too much of my life about things that don’t exist when I should have been worrying about the things that do. And I need to apologise to you for letting it affect things between us. I never should have let it get in the way of how I feel about you.’ Nathan stroked Emma’s hair and admired how their bodies had navigated towards each other, like they were magnets unable to resist the pull.
In their small cocoon, Nathan was able to hear her heart beating, and he was pretty sure it was in tune with his. He’d been on such a rollercoaster with his feelings about this woman. It had been like going into freefall – the rush of adrenaline making everything seem magic, followed by the knowledge he was falling and that, if it all went wrong, there was no one to save him. No one at all.
‘I love you, Emma.’
He said it before he could stop himself. He didn’t want to live a life without saying the words that mattered. Especially when he’d known it since their first kiss.
When Emma smiled like a Cheshire cat, Nathan was instantly glad that he’d been brave.
‘I don’t quite understand it, but I love you too.’
‘What’s to understand? Love is love, isn’t it? Surely that’s all we need to know.’ It was probably the first time in his life that he’d meant it. Love really was love. Once it had a hold, there was no escaping it.
There was nothing else for it other than to kiss the full and gorgeous lips that were presenting themselves so perfectly. Inviting without even trying. This. This was what he wished he dreamed of. The anticipation. He took in every detail of Emma’s beautiful face unobscured by her glasses for a change – the scattering of freckles over the bridge of her nose, her Bambi eyes, her long dark lashes. Everything that made her so perfectly Emma.
And she was drinking in the moment the same way he was – taking in his sparkling green eyes and lightly tanned skin. They gravitated closer, one millimetre at a time.
When their lips finally pressed together, they moved in sync, and it really was what dreams should be made of.
Every second of the kiss was rousing him in ways he’d been trying to ignore until now, but it was hard to know why he’d been resisting. If anything was going to happen between them, then he needed to be fully present – not lost in repetitive, endless dreams. He needed to enjoy the moment for everything it was, and he needed to make sure Emma enjoyed it as much as he did.
Releasing himself from the kisses they were becoming tangled in, Nathan had to make sure this was what she wanted. ‘We don’t have to do this. If at any point you want to stop, just say the word.’
‘I should let you know… I haven’t done this before,’ Emma said, her voice trembling.
‘That’s okay. You’re in charge. If you’re not comfortable with anything, we can stop.’ Nathan was nervous in a way he hadn’t experienced in a long time – to the point he was almost forgetting the basics.
It was Emma who slipped a hand under the warmth of his top, the softness of her touch kicking him back into gear.
This was the woman he loved; it was only natural that he would want to make love to her. So there was a great ease in allowing his fingertips to find their way under the fluffiest jumper known to man.
It took some exploration, but soon he made contact with her skin. It was soft and warm and silky, and her torso pulled in with a deep breath, the thrill of the moment palpable.
‘Are you sure?’ Emma asked. ‘Before we do anything else. Before we go any further.’
There was a moment in which they stared into one another’s eyes, each of them questioning the other without the need for words. Whatever had happened in the past didn’t matter. Whatever was going to happen in the future didn’t matter. All that mattered was the here and now.
‘We need to use protection, but I’m sure,’ Nathan said. It was a pretty obvious statement in the circumstances – even more so given his fears. But he had to let go of that. It was a dream. It wasn’t based on reality. He was twenty-seven and he wasn’t dead yet.
‘I’m sure too.’ Emma’s wide eyes took him in, and her newfound confidence turned him on in ways he hadn’t expected.
In fact, in every way, that’s how he’d describe Emma: wonderfully unexpected.
Whatever questions he’d had before were forgotten as they relieved each other of too many layers. He drank in Emma’s naked body, and even though there was an urgency within both of their speeding heart rates, he wasn’t going to rush anything. He planned to savour every single moment.
Thirty-Nine
Emma
Day Twenty-Nine
There had still been a warm glow flushing through Emma’s veins when she was woken by Nathan’s phone chirping a Smashing Pumpkins song as way of an alarm. After a few presses of the snooze button, they’d gotten distracted with enjoying each other and ended up fast asleep again. It was probably the first time Emma had ever surfaced from bed in the afternoon. She’d made a cup of tea and then spent a good portion of time wondering how forceful she should be in trying to wake Nathan. She’d gone into pinching-earlobes mode by the time he started to show signs of life. She’d never been more relieved to hear someone groaning in their sleep. He’d barely made a peep when he’d been in his coma. And there was greater relief still when he woke, and they discussed their plans for the rest of the day. With the delay of all their snoozing, it meant they were venturing out far later than they’d planned. They wrapped up in several layers and were glad of it when they left the cottage and were met by biting winds.
‘Have you replied to the hospital yet?’ Despite what had happened, Emma was conscious that there were pressing matters they wouldn’t be able to ignore forever.
‘No, and we shouldn’t let it ruin our enjoyment of today. I’m going to turn my phone off so we don’t get disturbed.’
‘Don’t do that.’ Emma was already uncomfortable about him putting off going home, but he’d managed to convince her to finish what they’d started.
‘If it reassures you, I’ll leave it on. I don’t want to put a damper on things, but I just need to warn you that we might not see any puffins at all. We’re slightly out of season for the best time of year to see them,’ said Nathan, pulling her close to him as they wand
ered along the road.
‘You mean we’re putting your life at risk and we only have a slim chance of seeing what we’re hoping to see?’
‘You never know, luck might be on our side. The tides certainly seem to be changing on that front,’ Nathan said, a twinkle in his eye as he hugged her closer.
It was cold – definitely snuggling weather. The thought of last night’s antics sent a tingle down Emma’s spine. She wasn’t sure what she’d expected her first time to be like, but with Nathan it had been so much more than she’d ever hoped for. She’d always had her head in novels, taken by the romantic thought of saving herself for ‘the one’. Last night she’d known she’d really found him. It had been worth waiting all of those years for the right person. Completely and utterly worth it.
‘I hope you’re right,’ Emma said. It would be a shame to come all this way for the odds to go against them. They had enough battles to win without losing this one. ‘Do you believe in luck?’
‘I believe that sometimes you have to make your own luck. That if you want something bad enough, you do everything you can to strive for it.’
‘Does that mean you’re going to jump in and go and swim to the puffins?’
‘If that’s what it takes.’ Nathan shrugged his shoulders, as if such a thing would be par for the course. ‘Or come back when there’s more of them. I figure making your own luck should also involve not giving yourself a healthy dose of pneumonia in the process.’
They were nowhere near any houses now, wandering along the long, winding road that took them along the clifftop.
Emma was glad she had opted to wear a hat. Her hair would have been whipping about everywhere if she hadn’t. The strong breeze was pushing them along at quite a pace, and now the only way to be heard would be to shout over the gusts of wind they were fighting against. Emma linked her arm tightly with Nathan’s to make sure she didn’t get blown away.
They continued down a long stretch of cliff path on their quest to the viewing points where they hoped to catch sight of the beautiful birds. Even though the wind was strong, it was possible to hear the call of seagulls carried across from the cliffs.
99 Days With You Page 15