‘It wasn’t the same without you.’ Nathan raised an eyebrow.
‘Quite.’ There were people about, but that didn’t stop Emma from kissing him. It wasn’t much more than a peck – a tender kiss between two people who loved each other. The connection between them was no longer questionable. Emma would have been more passionate, but it was clear Nathan was worn out.
‘Shall we call you a porter for the return journey?’ a nurse asked.
‘I’ll wheel him back, if that’s okay?’
It took the nursing staff at least ten minutes to get permission and locate a chair.
‘Do you think they’re putting them together now? That right now our future is in a Petri dish?’ Nathan said.
‘I don’t think they wait long. They managed to harvest eight eggs.’
‘Eight? That’s amazing. We might not have picked out enough names after all.’
The nurse delivered the wheelchair and Nathan struggled to stand and fold his tall frame into it.
‘Will you be okay getting back?’ the nurse asked.
‘I’m sure they’ll give you a call if we go AWOL.’ Emma wasn’t even joking. The nurse that had sent them was a proper taskmaster.
Emma was glad to get into the lift. The clinic was pleasant enough, but there was no taking away from the fact that it was a clinic. That they were there for a reason and it wasn’t the natural course of a relationship.
‘How are you feeling?’ Emma asked, noticing how Nathan was sitting rather heavily in the wheelchair.
Nathan’s head was resting in his hand, like he had a bad migraine he wasn’t able to shift. ‘Today has really taken it out of me. I think I need some sugar to revive me.’
‘We can stop for a drink on the way back. Go AWOL for a short while?’
‘I think I need to go and lie down. Maybe we could pick up a pack of sweets on the way back? That might help.’
Emma nodded and they carried out their short mission in silence.
Nathan obviously wasn’t feeling like himself and it was clear that their short trip had exhausted him. It was like he’d given his all to make sure whatever was occurring in the Petri dishes was their absolute best shot. Their greatest hope for the future.
Once Nathan was curled up under his pale blue hospital blanket, clearly in need of sleep, with the Skittles they’d purchased unopened on the side, Emma retreated to her own bed space. It was getting harder and harder not to cry in front of Nathan with every day that passed, with every diminishment she noticed.
Today was a miracle. Today Nathan had gifted her the potential to create life. She just wished it wasn’t at the expense of his energy.
Wrapped in her own hospital blanket, the curtains pulled around her bed, Emma cried the tears she couldn’t bear Nathan to see.
She cried and she prayed. Because while she was the saddest that she’d ever been, she wasn’t beyond hope. At the very least, today had to mean that some hope was theirs to be had.
Forty-Nine
Day Sixty-Four
Emma’s days were merging into a blur. She no longer had a reference as to what day of the week it was. There were no markers to help her get her bearings. A Monday looked the same as a Thursday and it was hard to keep count of the passing hours.
Not long after their fertility appointment, Emma had been discharged. Now she rose early each day to be at the hospital as soon as visiting hours started, and she would spend her time there, only leaving for lunch when visitors weren’t allowed on the ward. She would spend a lonely lunchtime trying to source some reasonably healthy food and trying not to bump into anyone she knew. Some afternoons, when visitors were allowed on the ward again, one of Nathan’s friends would join her. Normally it was Leanne or Tim. Every visit was a struggle.
The struggle was mostly Nathan’s. It went against his character to allow his friends to see him like this – the maverick reduced to a man who struggled to stand without help.
It was a hard thing to witness, this gradual deterioration, but Emma didn’t want to be anywhere other than by Nathan’s side. Even on the days like today when he was lethargic and needed to sleep.
‘Emma,’ a voice whispered.
Emma turned, expecting to find one of the nursing staff wanting to get to Nathan’s bedside to disturb his slumber and take his observations.
‘Hey, sweetie. I’ve brought hot chocolate.’
It was Alice. The surprise of seeing her almost made Emma burst into tears. It had been weeks since they’d last seen each other. She was so used to catching up with her best friend at least twice a week that not seeing her had felt like another punishment the cancer was dishing out.
Elated by her friend’s presence, Emma got up and gave her a hug, even though it was a bit awkward with the cups still in Alice’s hands.
‘I hope you don’t mind… I chatted to your mum and she said it should be okay for me to pop by. Also, these aren’t posh hot chocolates – I made them at home. But I do have squirty cream and marshmallows in my bag to make the experience just as good.’
‘It’s lovely to see you.’ It was funny how sometimes you didn’t realise something was missing until the moment it came back. So much had happened in recent weeks, Emma wasn’t keeping up with herself, let alone anyone else.
‘Take this.’ Alice passed Emma one of the thermos mugs. ‘We need to get comfy and pretend we’re in a coffee shop, putting the world to rights. Will Nathan be okay with us taking over his bed space?’
Nathan was in a deep sleep. He often slept for two to three hours in the afternoon on top of a full night’s sleep.
‘I don’t think he’ll mind. It’s normally his friends here and he has to wake up for that. At least if you’re here to see me he can get some extra rest.’
Within minutes, Alice had managed to arrange an extra chair and had added the cream and marshmallows to their drinks. She’d even brought along some of those wrapped caramelised biscuits to go with it. ‘I need to make sure your calorie intake is up.’
Emma smiled, but her gaze was drawn to Nathan. The figure in the bed whose energy was decreasing every day. She wished an overdose of sugar would have him bouncing around the room. If only it were that easy.
‘How’s he doing today?’ Alice asked.
Emma had been providing Alice with frequent updates by text. But there were subjects for which the words didn’t exist. Even now, with him close by, it was hard to put it all into a sentence. Every day there was less of him – a microscopic shrinking. The Nathan she knew was still there, but she’d had to watch as pulling on a sock became an impossible task, while his appetite waned and she had to remind him of the tasks he should be carrying out. ‘About the same.’ Emma screwed up her face a little and dipped her ear towards Nathan’s bed.
‘I get ya,’ Alice said, knowing that Emma was indicating she didn’t want to say too much at his bedside.
‘Thanks for this.’ Emma helped herself to her first marshmallow. It was a sweet gesture, but not one that totally took away from their surroundings.
‘It’s good to see you. It’s been strange without you about. I figured, as you couldn’t get to me, I needed to come and see you. I wish hot chocolate was able to cure a whole lot of ailments, given the circumstances.’
Emma took a sip. ‘At least it’s providing a hug in a mug, if nothing else.’ Her voice slipped, losing any note of humour she might have been going for.
‘Your mum is worried about you. She thinks you should be resting at home today.’
Emma let out a long sigh. ‘Did she send you?’
‘No, I was coming already. I’m not here trying to negotiate for her. I’m just a bit worried she might be right. It’s your surgery tomorrow. It wouldn’t hurt for you to be at home, resting. Nathan would understand that.’
‘I’m not leaving him.’ Emma said it with the ferocity of a woman who’d been constantly justifying her position for some time.
‘And I’m not leaving either,’ Alice said.
‘I knew you wouldn’t want to leave. And the problem is, I’m your best friend, so there isn’t any occasion I should side with your mother over you. But as it stands, if you are not going to make sure you look after yourself, I’m going to make sure for you.’
Emma didn’t want to be upset or frustrated with her best friend. But right now, she was tired and exhausted and she didn’t want to lay out all the reasons she was beyond thinking. ‘I don’t need babysitting.’
‘Nobody has said you do, sweetie. But if there was ever a time I should be looking out for you, I think that time is now. And I know one of the things you don’t want to do is leave Nathan by himself any more than necessary. So, today, if you want to leave early, I’ll be here until they kick me out. And the same tomorrow. While you’re having surgery, I’ll be here keeping your seat warm until you’re well enough to take up your place again. I’m not about to frogmarch you home and tell you what to do – I’m pretty certain you already know how you need to prepare – I’m just offering some gentle encouragement towards you going home a bit early and doing everything you can to be ready. A long soak in the tub and an early night are in order, if nothing else.’
Emma glanced at Nathan. There was a soft rumbling as he exhaled – not quite a snore, but a signal he was enjoying his slumber. Would it really matter if she left a few hours early?
She didn’t want to, she knew that. She wanted to be by Nathan’s side. But, within that, she also knew there was a reluctance for it to be her turn. Knowing what Nathan had been through over the past few weeks was easily enough to put her off. She wanted to bury her head in the sand for as long as possible.
‘I just feel so guilty.’ There were so many wrongs that she wished she was able to make right. Life wasn’t fair. Nathan was clearly struggling and there was nothing that the doctors were able to do other than provide pain relief. It was ironic to be feeling such a wrench about going to get herself better.
‘You don’t need to feel guilty.’ This time it was Nathan talking to her.
‘How long have you been awake?’ Emma had been sure he was still sleeping.
‘Not long. But long enough to know that you should be taking Alice up on her offer.’ Nathan made efforts to sit upright and managed to get there without help.
Emma was already waiting in the wings, ready to assist if needed.
‘Look, you’ve been doing plenty of looking after me and your mum. For once, you need to make sure you’re the priority.’ Nathan tucked Emma’s long hair behind her ear, their foreheads almost touching. ‘Just promise me you’ll pop by tomorrow morning before you go in, even if it doesn’t fit in with their visiting hours.’
Emma pressed her forehead against his and took his scent in: cedar wood and salty skin. ‘I promise.’
There weren’t many things she was able to hold on to at the moment, but when good friends were looking out for you at least it eased the strain slightly.
What would come would come. Today was one of the rare occasions when she was able to prepare herself. Whether she was ready to was another matter entirely.
Fifty
Emma peered down at her naked form in the bath. For someone who was used to being alone, she hadn’t had much time to herself in recent weeks. Whenever she’d been home, it had mostly been for the purpose of sleep, and over the past few weeks she’d preferred quick showers where she paid little attention to her body. But this was a weird occasion. Almost like a ceremonial bathing. This was the last time this would be her shape. After tomorrow, the contours of her body would be different.
It was hard to know how to feel about it. Hard to even imagine. When she did, it made her want to cry. But then she reminded herself of the reasons why this was happening. As she soaped a flannel and brushed it against her skin, the breast they were removing already felt alien, the inverted nipple a telltale sign of something wrong. She was glad, at least, that she would no longer possess that reminder of being unwell. The operation would make her healthy and put her on the road to recovery.
She would be well again.
She would find whatever it took to get herself through this.
She would wear her warrior paint with pride.
But for now, she would allow herself to cry in the bathtub.
She would cry for feeling alone.
She would cry for the injustice.
She would cry for Nathan.
She would cry for the life that would never be.
Nathan’s Diary
It’s happening so quickly, I don’t even know how to fathom it. I barely have the strength to write it down. I think, now I know I’m dying, the process has sped up. I should fight it, I know I should. But for what purpose? For Emma to spend another heartbreaking day watching me struggle? I can’t let that carry on when she needs to look after herself.
Never have I ever wanted it more – for the dream to become a reality. For it all to finally make sense.
Hospital room…
Struggling to breathe…
A baby crying…
Come to me. I am waiting.
Fifty-One
Emma
On the day of Emma’s surgery, she only got to see Nathan briefly, and he was too sleepy to be woken. Alice kept her promise, keeping him company that day. She’d been too busy worrying about him to allow concerns about her own surgery to reach her until she was being wheeled into the theatre.
When it was over, Emma kept reminding herself that the main thing was that the surgery had gone well. And all things considered, she wasn’t feeling too sore.
On day one, Emma ate, sat in her chair and walked for the first time, but Nathan wasn’t able to visit.
On day two, Emma had her drain taken out and was allowed to try the stairs ready for discharge, but Nathan wasn’t able to visit.
With the surgical and medical wards at separate ends of the hospital, they were entire worlds apart, as far as Emma was concerned.
On day three when she was due to be discharged, at last she was given permission to walk down to the other end of the hospital to see him. She’d been desperate to make this journey, to see for herself how he was doing. Texts from Nathan and updates from her mum only told her so much.
‘Take your time, love,’ Emma’s mother said from beside her.
‘I still think you should let me sit on your lap so we can get there quicker.’
‘I’m still getting used to this chair. I don’t think my steering will be very good if I can’t see where I’m going. Besides, I think the days of you sitting on your mother’s knee are long gone.’
‘I should hope so too.’ Emma stretched a little taller and walked more consciously than she normally would. She was aware of the arch of her spine, the pull of her muscles, the placement of her feet on the vinyl flooring. It was strange how one adjustment to her body had altered her balance.
And as she strode along the corridor with her mother beside her, it was pleasing to be able to feel this adjustment. To know that there were changes within her body that were positive in ways she was yet to fully appreciate. The thought made her stretch taller again. As if along that section of corridor she was acting out Charles Darwin’s theory of evolution.
It was taking all her strength and there was a pulling sensation across her chest, but there was nothing that was going to stop her right now. No distance would prevent her from seeing Nathan. No illness would stop her from getting better. No hurdles would prevent her from getting to the finishing line, wherever that might be.
When she did get there, Nathan’s ward was different. The light was more intense and everything seemed to be clearer, like when she’d worn glasses for the first time and her full vision returned.
Nathan was sitting in the ward’s day room. It was unusual to see him there, making it a staged ceremony. He was thinner, his cheeks sallow. There was a blanket over his knees, as if he were an old man.
Emma had to take a moment before sittin
g with him. She glanced at the plastic plant and the battered magazines on the table and wondered how any of this was real. Surely this wasn’t the same man she’d met in a waiting room not so long ago?
But of course it was the same man. Whatever changes were occurring, in whatever direction they were going, they would always be Nathan and Emma.
Emma took the waiting seat, leaving her mum browsing a bookshelf.
‘It looks like I need to lend you my copy of Robot Wars Monthly,’ Emma said.
‘I’ve missed you.’ Nathan smiled, before gingerly leaning forward and kissing her on the cheek. ‘Any chance you feel up to smuggling me out of here?’
Emma only wished she could. This would be one of the last times they would sit together like this.
It was a sad truth that as one of them was gearing up to leave, the other never would. And it was evident how much had changed in the few days she’d been away. If she hadn’t known Nathan was poorly before, it was now painfully clear.
Fifty-Two
Day Eighty-Eight
Arguing was hard at the best of times. Finding the conviction to stand up for one’s beliefs required a bold approach that not everyone was capable of. And it was even harder when still recovering from surgery. The past few weeks had been the hardest Emma had ever endured and even now she didn’t know if she was putting her convictions in the right camp.
‘He should stay here.’ It wasn’t exactly an eloquent argument when faced with a team of medical professionals. Nathan’s decline seemed to be more rapid than any of them had been expecting.
‘The hospice is a much nicer setting and is more equipped to deal with this stage of things. I’ve spoken to Nathan’s brother who is in agreement. We feel it is for the best and we’d like your approval. We’ll prepare Nathan for the move as soon as there’s a bed available.’
99 Days With You Page 20