by Katy Kaylee
“She knows that, but we will.” Gavin shut the door and I closed my eyes, hoping for a respite from the overwhelming grief and guilt, knowing it would be there until I died. It would probably follow me to hell as well.
24
Rafe
I couldn’t get myself over to the Quantico base. Gavin and Joe’s words rattled in my brain. My conscience told me I was being a selfish fool to walk away from Emma. My heart wanted Summer’s love. But she lied to me, my brain argued.
“Fuck.” I left the pancake house and hoofed it back to my hotel room. My phone rang just as I got through the door. Earlier, there’d been a call from Summer, but I didn’t take it. I still wasn’t ready to hear her explanation. What reason could there be that didn’t suggest I wasn’t daddy material?
Looking at the caller ID, it was Mr. Mason, so I answered. “Mr. Mason?”
“Yes, Mr. Buchanan. I’ve talked with Ms. Addison and I’ve drawn up the documents. I’ve emailed them for your review. If they’re acceptable, you can have them printed and signed. I’ll need originals for the file, but I can give you our mail ID so we can cover the cost of overnighting them back.”
“Sounds good.” When we got off the phone, I opened my email and the attached documents from my lawyer. I scanned the contents. My heart stopped when I saw what he wrote…Emmaline Raffaella Addison. I’d remembered thinking of my grandmother when Summer told me Emma’s name, but I hadn’t considered she’d been named for my grandmother. Even as I learned I was Emma’s father, I didn’t put that together. And her middle name. That was unusual, but I couldn’t miss how similar it was to mine. Like Raffaella was the feminine to Rafe.
Jesus, she named our child after my family. That had to mean something. So, why didn’t she say anything to me? If she wasn’t trying to hide me or my family from Emma’s heritage, why did she hide her from me? She’s yours.
I looked at my phone, and taking a deep breath, I opened the text.
Rafe, I’m so, so sorry. Please come home. Even if just for Emma. I love you. Your sweet Summer.
My heart rolled in my chest. I checked my voicemail, and sure enough, she’d left a message. With shaking fingers I poked the play button.
Rafe…I ah…first…I love you. Oh God…I love you so much and I hate that I hurt you. It’s killing me that I hurt you because you’re such a good and wonderful man.
She started crying, I worked to stop myself from being affected by her tears.
I know there’s no forgiving me, but please don’t hold what I did against Emma. Please, come home and be her father. She deserves you and you deserve her. I’m the one not good enough for either of you.
I want her to know you. I want her to be able to be as proud of you as I am. She loves you already, Rafe. And I know you love her. Please…
I wasn’t lying when I told you I wished you could see you as I do. I’m so proud of you. Of how bravely you served your country, and I’ll say that even though I know you hate it. I’m proud of how hard you work to be the best man you can be.
There was a pause, and I nearly turned it off, not wanting to be swayed by her words and tears.
Rafe, I didn’t tell you not because I didn’t think you were worthy, because you’re one of the best people I know. At first, I was going to tell you, but when I arrived at your house, you were gone and your letter said not to contact you. I didn’t know what to do…Whenever I’d dropped hints at continuing our relationship, you always withdrew…so I thought I was doing the right thing by doing what you said and moving on.”
There was another pause.
I didn’t tell you when you came home because I’m an idiot. I did try to tell you one night, but you fell asleep...but I could have tried harder. My only excuse is that at the time I thought I was protecting Emma…not because I thought you’d hurt her, but that I wasn’t sure you were going to stay…we both know what it’s like to have parents who don’t want us…not that you’d be like that…oh hell…this is coming out wrong.
She started to weep then, and my arms longed to hold her and tell her it was alright. But it wasn’t, dammit.
I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you. I’ve always loved you, I’ll always love you. You’re the only man I’ve ever loved or been with. I don’t know if that matters, but it’s true. You made me strong and brave, and you gave me Emma and for that, I’ll always love you. I know I have no right to ask, but if you could forgive me and even give me another chance to show you how much I love you…well…I’d like the chance. But even if I’ve killed your love for me, please, please, don’t run away from Emma. Don’t let me have ruined that—
The phone beeped indicating the end of the voicemail. I was a glutton for punishment. It was the only reason I could think of that I listened to that message not once, not twice, but three times. It was stupid, but the part that always made my heart ache was that she’d never loved or been with anyone else but me, and her desperate need for Emma to have a father. No, for Emma to have me.
“Goddammit!” I tossed the phone on the bed and paced the small space of my hotel room. She’s yours. I pressed my hands over my ears. Why did that keep flashing in my brain. She said she’d tried to tell me, but I was asleep. So why not try again? In the end, she still deceived me.
Then again, she was pretty distraught in that message, which made my gut clench. Even after what she’d done, the idea that she was in pain made me want to rush home and comfort her.
I didn’t know what to do. I felt like there was a tug-of-war going on between my brain and heart. My brain told me I was an idiot for being duped into believing in love, and my heart was saying that the only peace I’d found since leaving the military was with Summer and Emma.
I’d rather be with my family than continued to be pissed. Joe’s words replayed in my head. All the fucked up things that go on in here, quite down when they’re around.
But Joe’s wife hadn’t stolen four years of his kids' life. I want her and my family and life back more than I want to hold a grudge, especially since it wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t been gone. That’s on me.
I was gone and I’d told her not to contact me. At the time, I’d been adamant that our summer fling was done when I left. I guess her not contacting me that she was pregnant could be on me. Of course, I hadn’t imagined there’d be a child. She’d told me it was okay to sleep with her. Had that been a lie? She’d been young and I’d been her first, so perhaps I should have taken more responsibility. Then again, if I had, Emma wouldn’t be here, that would be a fucking shame because she was a great kid, and clearly, everyone thought the world of her.
She’ll ground you. But even more, you don’t want her growing up without a dad, do you? Fuck, what did that say about me that I wasn’t in Hope right now, telling Emma I was her father and doing all the things a father did for his daughter?
Because you’ve got problems, my brain reminded me. I let out a long growl. I was going to go fucking crazy. I changed into running clothes and decided to run off the frustration and confusion. I didn’t have to decide right this moment. I could enlist tomorrow. Or I could go home.
25
Summer
I don’t know how I survived Thursday. I kept hoping it was all a dream. That I hadn’t woken up to a call that Rafe was giving his house to Emma and wouldn’t ever be coming back.
But, it hadn’t been a dream, and somehow, I’d made it through the day. I still wasn’t sure how I’d survive today or tomorrow or the next day, the next week…the rest of my life. But I had a daughter to take care of and so I needed to get my shit together.
Thank God Gavin and Lainey were still sticking close. I felt guilty about that too. They had their own lives, including a baby on the way. They didn’t need to be dealing with my messed-up life.
The only other good news was that I was ‘sick’ and therefore didn’t have to go to work. I wouldn’t have to return until Monday. Of course, I had no confidence that I’d have my shit together enough t
o work, but I had to take it one day at a time.
I cleaned myself up and got myself downstairs. Lainey had served Emma breakfast, while Gavin ran over to the property management office to get the key to Rafe’s home.
“I need to run home, but Gavin and I can meet you at the house,” Lainey said as she put a dish in the dishwasher.
Feeling grateful for her, I gave her a hug. “Thank you for everything.”
“Of course. Everything will work out.” But I could see in her eyes that she knew I had a long life of regret in front of me. “I’ll see you later.” I nodded as she made her way to the front door and out.
“Mommy, are you sad?” Emma asked from her booster seat at the table.
“I am, sweetie.”
“Why?”
I helped her from her chair. “Come on in the living room and we’ll talk.”
I carried her to the couch and sat with her on my lap. “I’m sad because Rafe had to go away.”
Her face dropped. “Doesn’t he like us?”
“Oh, he loves you, sweetie. I know he does. But I hurt his feelings and—”
“Can’t you say you’re sorry?”
“I have, but what I did…” God, how did I explain this? Not knowing how I moved on. “The thing is, Rafe gave you a gift.”
She frowned. “Why? Where’s Rafe?”
I’d had thought the idea of a gift would distract her, but it hadn’t. “I don’t know where he is. But you and I, and Uncle Gavin and Aunt Lainey are going to take you to see Rafe’s gift. I know you’re going to love it.”
“I want Rafe.”
I pulled her close. “I know, sweetie. So do I.”
“You need to tell him you’re sorry.”
“I know.” I needed to do so much more than that. But what could I do to make up for the colossal betrayal I’d done to him? There was no fixing that.
I packed us a lunch and after getting us together, drove us over to Rafe’s house.
“Are we seeing Rafe?” Emma’s excited voice asked from the back seat.
My heart dropped. “No honey.”
“But this is his house.”
“I know.” I parked the car and got out to help Emma out.
“Where’s Rafe?”
“Emma.” I took her hand and walked with her along the side of the house back toward the river. “I told you, Rafe had to go away. But he left you a present. He wants you to live here because he knows you love the river.”
She looked up at me. “Where would you live?”
“With you, here.”
“Where will Rafe live?”
I sighed. “I don’t know where Rafe is.” I suspected he was re-enlisting and at some point would be back in the Middle East.
Emma’s little brows furrowed. “Call him, mommy. Call him and tell him to come home.”
I wanted to tell her I had tried, but I didn’t want to put the burden of her disappointment on him. This was my doing, and I needed to shoulder all the blame.
“Do you want to go swimming?” I hoped to distract her from thoughts of Rafe.
Her lip quivered. “Why doesn’t he come home?”
I pulled her close again. “Sometimes people have to go, Emma. I’m sorry. But we have our memories. And Rafe gave you this, wasn’t that nice of him?”
She shrugged.
“Come on, let’s go swimming.” I helped her take off the sundress that she wore over her swimsuit. I took my shorts and t-shirt off under which I had my swimsuit. Hand and hand we walked to the water. I noted the spot where Rafe first touched me, and quite possibly where Emma had been conceived. A wave of emotion flooded me, but I fought to hold back the tears.
“Couldn’t wait for us, huh?” Gavin and Lainey walked across the wooded yard toward the riverbank where Emma and I stood.
“The water is nice,” I said, trying to smile.
“I put the key on the table.” Gavin nodded toward the deck where an outdoor table sat.
“Thank you.”
“So, this is nice, isn’t it munchkin,” Gavin picked up Emma up and walked deeper into the water.
She finally laughed. “Don’t drop me, Uncle Gavin.”
“What do you mean? Like this?” He tossed her into the air and caught her.
She squealed in delight, thank god. But then her face turned serious. “Rafe went away. He’s mad at my mommy.”
Gavin glanced at me. “Yeah, well, that’s his loss.”
“Can’t you call him?” Emma’s little hands pressed on Gavin’s cheeks, making my heart hurt.
He nodded. “I can try if you want.”
“I want.”
He started to throw her but she grabbed his ears.
“Ouch.”
“Call now.”
“Now?”
She nodded. “Please. I want Rafe.”
Gavin looked at me again and I shrugged. He nodded and walked out of the water, putting Emma down to towel off before making the call. “I’m not sure this will go well. What if he says no?” he said quietly toward me and Lainey.
“Then it’s on him,” Lainey said.
Gavin frowned. “That’s not fair to him—”
“Rafe!” Emma squealed so loud it made me flinch. She jumped up and down and then ran up the slope toward the house.
“Oh, my God,” Lainey said.
I turned, and my heart stuttered in my chest. Rafe walked down the hill looking so handsome, so strong, so…beat up. On a leash alongside him was a medium-sized white dog.
“Rafe, Rafe!” Emma ran to him.
He squatted down as Emma reached him. She threw her arms around him, and his eyes flashed with surprise. But then they closed, and he wrapped an arm around her.
Emma let go but kept her arms on his shoulders as she turned to me. “Tell him, mama, tell him you’re sorry.”
He turned to me, his dark eyes filled with emotion. I wanted to run and throw my arms around him too but knew I didn’t have the right.
“I’m sorry.” The words were so inadequate.
She turned to Rafe. “Now you have to say, it’s okay—”
“Emma,” I tried to stop her. It wasn’t okay. And it wasn’t fair to Rafe to ask him to say that.
“I forgive you.”
For the second time in a few minutes, my heart stopped. My eyes filled with tears as an ache to let him know how much I loved him filled my chest.
“Is this your dog?”
He stared at me for a moment longer and then turned his attention to Emma again. “Yes, this is Maisy.”
“She’s so cute. Can I pet her?” Emma’s excitement was palatable.
“Yes. She’s a little nervous, but she’s very sweet. I spent the whole drive from the shelter here, telling her about you.”
“Really?” Emma’s smile was so bright, for that alone, I’d have fallen in love with him.
“Where are you going to keep a dog?” Lainey asked, reminding me that she and Gavin were there.
“There’s a fence going in.” He looked up at me from where he held Emma and Maisy close to him. “I arranged for one.”
I nodded. “Your lawyer told me.”
“Rafe?” Emma patted his cheek to get his attention. “My mommy says I can live here with her. Will you live here too?”
Gavin coughed. Lainey said a quiet, “Oh my.”
“Honey?” I broke in. “Maybe you could let mommy and Rafe talk for a minute.”
“About what?”
“Emma, I bet Maisey would like to take a walk after the ride in the car. Why don’t you and me and Uncle Gavin go for a walk.” Thank god for Lainey.
“Can we Rafe? Can we take Maisy for a walk?”
He handed Emma the leash. “She’s all yours. Take good care of her.”
“Oh, I will.” Then she leaned forward and kissed Rafe on the cheek.
He looked a little startled by it and awed by her. Emma had that effect on most people.
Neither Rafe nor I spoke as the three of them and
Maisy walked toward the street side of the house.
When I finally dared to look at him, he was staring at me. I swallowed hard, wanting to choose the right words, but not knowing what they were. “Rafe…I’m glad you’re back.”
He nodded but didn’t say anything.
“About the living here…I’d told her of your gift…but—”
“She doesn’t know I’m her father?”
I shook my head. “I didn’t want to tell her if you were going to be gone.” I looked down, not sure if that was the right course of action. “We both know what it’s like to think a parent doesn’t want you, and I didn’t want her to think that of you since it wasn’t true. It’s all my fault.”
He nodded. “And now?”
I stepped toward him, still wanting to touch him. So much so, that I clasped my hands behind my back to keep from doing it. “I want to tell her. I want us to tell her. She’ll hope that means we’ll be in this house together…but I know what I did…” I couldn’t even bring myself to say it. “God Rafe, tell me what I can do to make this right.”
“What do you want, Summer?”
I looked into his dark piercing eyes, wanting to make sure he knew the truth of my words. “I want you. I want to be a family with you and me and Emma…and Maisy.”
He stepped closer to me, his hand lightly touching my cheek. I closed my eyes, wanting to savor his touch. This could be the last time he ever touched me. I wanted to burn it into my memories.
“I’m so fucking hurt—”
“I know.” I burst into tears of shame. “I’m so, so sorry.”
“But, I can’t stop loving you.”
My gaze jerked up to him, wondering if I heard him right.
“I’ve decided that I’d rather forgive you and hope to hell you don’t hurt me again than live my life with this fucking hole in my chest.”
“I won’t ever hurt you again. Never. Ever. I promise, Rafe.”
He stared into my eyes as if he was seeking the truth of my promise. I hoped to hell he saw my sincerity. That he saw my guilt and shame and above all, my absolute love for him.