‘Come on, Chaya, think about it. You could have your career and you wouldn’t have to pretend to love me. We get on well. We could hang out, do stuff like we do now and everyone would think we were just like a normal couple.’ He waved a hand to encompass the whole of her little bedsit. ‘It’d be much better than living alone in this place for the rest of your life.’
Chaya moved back, away from him. ‘I like it here. It’s my place.’ But it was lonely being all by herself. She shook her head. ‘It’s a big thing you’re asking me to do, Gim. I’m not sure it’s a good idea,’ she said, getting to her feet.
‘Your parents aren’t going to stop, you know,’ Gimhana said. ‘They’re going to keep nagging you and pushing suitable guys at you until you meet the perfect guy or they wear you down and you marry someone just to get them off your case.’
That first wasn’t going to happen. When she fell for Noah, she fell completely. There would never be anyone else. But the second scenario? Her parents were important to her. Important enough that she gave up the love of her life to avoid hurting them. She could see a time when she stopped fighting and let Amma choose someone for her. The best she could hope for was someone she didn’t mind spending time with. That being the case, why not marry someone who was her friend?
Gimhana leaned forward, earnestly. ‘Think about it. All that you’ve done… giving up Noah. You did that to make your parents happy and they’re not. Not yet anyway. They need you to get married, so that they are reassured that you’re safe. You could give them that.’
That gave her pause. Not just because it was true, but because it was a low blow. She knew him well enough to know that he wasn’t above being manipulative to get his own way. ‘Don’t try emotional blackmail on me,’ she said.
His eyes widened, perhaps a little too much. ‘I didn’t mean it like that,’ he said. ‘But it is true.’
She raised her eyebrows at him.
Gimhana sighed and pushed himself away from the coffee table. ‘Okay,’ he said. ‘I need to go into work, anyway.’ He gathered up the leftover chips into a tidy bundle.
‘It’s the weekend.’
He shrugged. ‘I have to put in the hours if I want to make it to partner.’ He pulled on his coat. ‘Getting married would make all the difference to my career. It wouldn’t hurt yours either. And both your parents and mine would be happy. Please. Promise you’ll at least consider it?’
Chaya’s instinct was still to say no, but something made her hold back. She nodded, not looking at him. ‘I’ll think about it.’
‘Thank you.’ He stepped out into the corridor. ‘I’ll call you next week to talk about it. Bye.’
Chaya shut the door and leaned against it, listening to Gimhana’s footsteps clattering down the stairs. For a moment, she stared unseeingly in front of her, torn between the flaws in the idea and the possibilities. She needed to think. She looked round the flat. She couldn’t think there. She would clean the flat until it gleamed and then go to the lab.
* * *
Since it was Saturday the lab was empty. As soon as she entered the darkened rooms, Chaya felt better. She turned on the lights and watched the fluorescent tubes flicker on one by one. This was her real home. She pulled on her lab coat and gloves and flipped open her lab diary. After staring thoughtfully at her notes for a few minutes, she put a bottle of agar in the microwave. Her bacteria needed to be plated out. Doing that would give her the mental space she needed.
Chaya’s hands moved of their own accord as she labelled and lined up agar plates next to the Bunsen burner. The mechanical action centred her, freeing her mind to think about Gimhana’s suggestion. Proposal, she corrected herself. It was a proposal in the sense of a business proposal. Reluctantly, she acknowledged that what he’d said was true. It would be an elegant solution to both their problems. Why then, did she feel it was wrong?
She held a wire loop until it glowed white hot so the metal was cleansed by fire. The loop touched the agar and gave a satisfying hiss. She scraped a colony off the old plate and drew it across the surface of the new one. After a few days, the new plate would have bacteria thriving on it, each a copy of the original colony, with the same strengths and weaknesses, just drawn in a different pattern.
Perhaps she had secretly been hoping that she would meet someone who would cure her of Noah. Someone who could burn off the shadows that haunted her and make her new again; a new relationship that would thrive, proving to her that Noah wasn’t her only chance of happiness. But that hadn’t happened. It had been ten years and it still hurt as much as it always had. Noah, or the lack of him, was a fact of life now. In which case, Gimhana’s suggestion made perfect sense. He knew about Noah and would be aware of the limits of her affection, which was not something she could expect from a conventional husband. They could get married and each have the life they wanted without the pressure to find a socially acceptable mate. She knew from her friends’ experience that marriage gave you a sort of freedom. You were no longer under your parents’ wing and suddenly you were your own little unit. Malini and Ajith, Sara and Jay; each couple a small team against the world.
It would be nice not to be alone. She thought about her evenings spent in the library or at work and the few hours she spent in the bedsit, trapped in her little life. It would be nice to have someone to come home to; someone to talk to about the happenings of the day. Except… she already had someone she could talk to. Gimhana.
He made her laugh and made her forget the absence inside her. With him, she felt… connected. Since he had entered her life, she was going out more. She hadn’t had a panic attack in weeks and she was sleeping much better. She had even woken up that morning without the involuntary clench of panic that she’d come to accept as normal. Because of Gimhana’s foodie tendencies, she was eating better too. He cared for her. He had been there for her when she was in crisis.
She paused, the inoculating loop in mid air. If she got married, she’d have to stop hanging out with Gimhana and spend time with the faceless husband instead. She would lose another friend.
Her stomach knotted. For a few seconds, she felt free-falling terror. That would be awful. There were so few people who understood her. The idea of having to turn away from them and share her carefully controlled life with a stranger was unthinkable. She shuddered. Her eyes focused back on her work, she put the loop back in the flame to re-sterilise it.
Maybe Gimhana’s suggestion wasn’t so crazy after all. She should at least consider it properly.
As far as Amma and Thatha were concerned, he was suitable – they already knew this. Their parents got along well. Her parents would be so happy.
She and Gimhana were both ambitious and tied to their careers. They both worked long hours and wouldn’t demand the other stay in to pay them attention. In all ways but the obvious one, Gimhana was her perfect man. What did it matter that they would never be sexually attracted to each other?
Chaya started thinking about logistics. A conventional marriage was difficult enough to arrange, but this would require extra thought. It was best to be prepared in these matters or else one of them could get hurt.
She finished plating up and put the petri dishes away – the old bacteria in the cold room to stay as they were and the new plate in the warm cabinet to grow. Methodically, she tidied up. Since she didn’t want to go home just yet, she went to the office and started making a list.
* * *
By the time Chaya got home, it was nearing midnight. She paused at the bottom of the stairs and felt the cold blow through the hallway. She shivered. Loneliness spread ahead of her. She couldn't go on like this for the rest of her life. A sudden vision of herself, alone in her bedsit in another ten years’ time, flashed through her mind. That was almost as frightening as the idea of marrying a stranger. Slowly, she went upstairs to her bedsit and dialled Gimhana’s work number.
When he answered, she said, ‘It’s me.’
‘Hi.’ He sounded like he was about to sa
y something, but changed his mind. ‘Um… how are you?’
Chaya took a deep breath and closed her eyes. ‘I’ve thought about your suggestion,’ she said. ‘And the answer is yes. I’ll marry you.’
There was silence at the other end of the line. Chaya let out her breath.
Gimhana cleared his throat. ‘That’s… brilliant. Really great.’
‘Yes,’ said Chaya, her eyes still shut.
‘We… er… we should meet and discuss… things,’ said Gimhana, sounding a little dazed.
‘Yes,’ said Chaya.
‘I’ll call you tomorrow and we’ll sort out a time to meet?’
‘That would be good.’
‘Okay. I’ll talk to you tomorrow then.’
‘Okay.’
‘Um… Chaya?’ he said.
‘Yes?’
‘Thank you.’
Chaya nodded, even though he couldn’t see her. ‘Thank you too.’
Chapter Thirty-Three
Chaya – Oxford, 1995
Chaya took two mugs of tea upstairs to her room in the tiny student house that she shared with Sara. Noah was sitting at her desk, leafing through a student newspaper that he’d rescued from the waste paper basket. He was flicking through the pages too fast to be reading them; his mind was clearly somewhere else.
She put his tea down next to him. ‘What’s up?’
‘Nothing,’ he turned a page of the newspaper.
‘Don’t give me that.’ She pulled herself up to sit on the table and nudged him with her knee. ‘Something’s bothering you. What is it?’
He sighed. ‘I got offered a PhD place.’ He was still looking at the paper.
‘That’s great news!’ she said. ‘Isn’t it?’
‘I’m going to turn it down.’
‘What? Why?’
He looked up, his eyes finally meeting hers. ‘It’s in Canada.’
‘Canada? With… wotsisname? The guy who gave a talk a few weeks ago? The one who liked your project?’
‘Yes. He said he didn’t need to interview me.’ A faint trace of pride crept into his voice.
‘And you’re turning it down because…?’
He said nothing, just reached out and took her hand.
‘Because of me?’ she said.
He still said nothing.
‘You can’t do that!’ It came out before she had a chance to consult her brain. ‘That’s your future.’
He squeezed her hand and smiled. ‘I was rather hoping you’d be my future.’ His eyes sparkled.
Chaya stared at him, lost for words. The only way she could reconcile being with him was to tell herself that it was just a temporary affair. It was a fact that lurked constantly in the background. She’d told him, right at the start. How could he think that a future together was possible? So much so that he was willing to compromise his education for it? A tiny part of her was thrilled that he loved her enough to choose her over his family and his education, but another, much bigger part of her realised that she couldn’t do the same for him. ‘I can’t let you do that.’
His brow wrinkled. ‘But… don’t you want…?’
‘Oh, Noah. I can’t let you throw away an opportunity like this. You’ll regret it later.’ What she didn’t say was I can’t be with you forever. When we split up, you’ll need to have alternatives.
‘I might not,’ he said. ‘Besides, I don’t want to leave you. If I lost you, I’d regret that even more.’
‘If I wasn’t here. All things being equal, you would take it. Right?’
He looked for a moment like he was going to protest, but then nodded, a little sheepishly.
‘Then take it. If you don’t, you’ll be unhappy and I’ll feel guilty. It’s all very well making grand gestures, but this is the rest of your life we’re talking about.’ She was talking earnestly, advising him as though she knew what she was talking about.
His thumb rubbed the side of her hand, gently. She could almost hear him considering it. ‘No,’ he said, after a few minutes. ‘I couldn’t bear it.’
‘Think about it some more,’ she said. She wasn’t sure she would be able to bear it either.
After Noah left that night, Chaya felt his revelation echoing round her head. Unable to concentrate on her studies, she went downstairs to find Sara, who was sitting in the living room, hand-painting a silver skull onto a skirt she’d bought in a charity shop.
‘Can I talk to you about something? I need a sympathetic ear.’
She outlined her conversation with Noah.
Sara carefully put the lid back on her fabric paint. ‘How do you feel about that?’
‘I’m not sure, if I’m honest. On the one hand, I’m really happy for him… on the other hand… well, it means it’s over, doesn’t it?’
Sara looked at her for a long time before she replied. ‘Does it have to mean it’s over? Canada isn’t outer space. There are ways you can keep in touch.’
There were. That wasn’t the problem. ‘When I… started this thing, when I decided to give me and Noah a chance, it was always on the understanding… no, the hope, that it was temporary. I can’t take him home to meet my parents. I’m not sure his parents would be too happy about me either. We can’t be together in the long term.’
‘In which case,’ said Sara. ‘Perhaps this is a good place to end it? If you can’t keep seeing each other for two different reasons…’
Tears welled up in Chaya’s eyes. ‘I was afraid you’d say that.’ She shook her head. ‘I can’t.’
Sara put down her work and came over to perch on the arm of the chair Chaya was sitting in. ‘Chaya, sweetheart. I’m so sorry.’ She gathered her in a hug. ‘You have a choice. You can either face up to your parents. Or lose Noah. You can’t escape it any longer.’
Chaya sobbed into Sara’s shoulder. ‘I can’t… won’t upset my parents. I have to give him up and just thinking about it hurts. So much.’
Sara stroked her hair. ‘I know. But, you know what, it won’t always. You’ll get over it and move on and meet someone else.’
‘But what if I don’t?’ She sniffed and wiped her eyes. ‘I know I’m… odd. I don’t make friends easily and I’m not the easiest person to love. What if Noah is my only chance?’
‘You’re being a bit harsh on yourself,’ said Sara. ‘You’re not difficult to love. We love you, Noah loves you and your family definitely love you.’
‘And…’ Chaya carried on. ‘And I’m not doing so well with my studies. I’m headed for a two-two and that’s not good enough. I know I’m not working as hard as I could because I’m spending so much time with Noah.’
‘Oh Chaya. You should be having this conversation with Noah, don’t you think? You can’t let him think that there’s a chance of you two staying together if there isn’t.’
Chaya sniffed. ‘I don’t know what to do!’
‘Honey, no one can choose this one for you.’
‘My parents would be devastated,’ Chaya said. ‘I mean, they might get over it in time, but people around them will never let them forget. They’d be reminded in a hundred tiny ways that they didn’t bring me up properly. And we wouldn’t be welcome anywhere.’
‘I don’t know about that,’ said Sara. ‘Noah’s family are diplomats. You’ll be an Oxford grad by then… you might find you fit in better than you expect.’
‘Not if I don’t get a two-one. I’ll be a thicko Oxford grad.’
Sara gave a little laugh. ‘I’m not sure I follow that logic.’
Chaya ignored her. ‘But I don’t know if I can live without Noah.’ She buried her face back in her friend’s shoulder. ‘I’m not sure I can.’
Sara hugged her tighter and said nothing.
* * *
In the days that followed she could see Noah watching her warily, as though he knew what she was thinking. One evening, when they were lying on her bed, side by side, reading, he asked, ‘What are you going to do when you finish your course?’
‘PhD.�
�� She didn’t even have to think about it. Life had always been mapped out – school, university, PhD, then get a job in research. Cure something. Make a difference to people’s lives. She wasn’t sure when the map had formed, but it was hardwired into her now.
Noah put his head to one side. ‘Where?’
‘I don’t know yet. I have to get my grades up first.’ She looked pointedly at the book that was in front of her.
He smiled. ‘Maybe Canada?’ He leaned in and gave her a little kiss. The one kiss became several, books forgotten. He rolled over and pulled her on top of him. He gazed at her for a long moment, his expression suddenly serious. His eyes looked darker blue than usual in her shadow. In them she could see a mixture of hope and fear.
‘Chaya…’ he began.
She put a finger to his lips and shook her head. ‘No. Don’t say it.’
If he pushed it now, she would have to make a decision. To choose between him and her family and she wasn’t ready. Not yet.
‘But… I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. I don’t want to lose you, Chaya. Ever.’
‘Please, Noah. Don’t.’
He stared at her for a while, his lips moving occasionally as though he wanted to speak, but was stopping himself. Finally, he nodded. ‘Okay.’ He gently stroked her cheek. ‘I understand.’
She buried her face in the hollow between his neck and shoulder and wondered if he really did.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Chaya – London, 2005
Chaya arrived early. She and Gimhana had picked one of the new gastro pubs halfway between his work and hers. Neutral ground, as Gimhana had put it. It was early evening and the place was still relatively quiet. She bought herself a Coke and found a table in a secluded corner, so that they could have some semblance of privacy. The last of the sunlight filtered in through the old-fashioned rippled glass in the window, casting a red glow that made the small nook look cosy. She took out her notebook with her list of discussion points jotted on it and was just getting comfortable when Gimhana arrived.
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