Her wedding and engagement rings were still on her fingers. She tried to ease them off, she even tried putting soap on her skin to slide them off, but it seemed her fingers had moulded to their presence. Besides, there would be a pale line where they had shielded her skin from the sun. Their absence would only make them more obvious.
She was still fiddling with her rings when the phone rang. It was reception, calling to say she had a visitor. She told them she’d be right there, took one last look in the mirror and flew downstairs to see him.
‘Wow,’ Noah said, when she arrived downstairs. ‘You scrub up nice.’
Warmth rose in her face. ‘Thanks.’ They both hesitated a moment before dropping kisses millimetres from each other’s cheeks. Noah held the door open as they headed out.
He took her to a bustling restaurant full of families and big groups. It was a nice, safe choice that made it clear that this was not a date. They were given a table against one wall of the restaurant. The only chance of privacy was the hope that no one would hear what they were saying above the general ruckus. But it didn’t matter. They fell straight back into a comfortable pattern of conversation, as though the intervening years had been just a few weeks.
They shared gossip about mutual friends, compared life in Canada to life in England, discussed how their careers were going. They talked about everything other than the thing that was on Chaya’s mind.
Noah seemed to have decided to treat her like an old friend and nothing more, so he was relaxed and friendly. He still maintained a polite distance, as befitted someone meeting an ex. She was a married woman, and certain boundaries applied. He was a gentleman and respected that. She knew all this without having to be told and loved him all the more for it.
For her part, it was obvious that her feelings for him hadn’t changed. It was as though she’d packed them away so carefully, that they’d been put into stasis, ready to come back to life when she let them, even after all these years. Every familiar gesture and facial expression was a little explosion of recognition.
They sat opposite each other, careful not to touch each other, even accidentally. Every atom in her body screamed to reach forward and make contact, just for a moment. She clutched her cutlery and picked at her food, trying to keep her composure.
‘So,’ said Noah, stirring cream into his coffee. ‘What are your plans for your stay here?’
For a second, Chaya thought about returning to her subterfuge of the evening before and claiming work appointments. No. Enough lies. The sole reason she was in Canada was to find him. Now that she had, it was silly to pretend otherwise.
She cleared her throat. ‘Actually,’ she said. ‘I wasn’t entirely honest with you yesterday…’
He raised his eyebrows. They disappeared into his hair. She clasped her hands together to avoid reaching out to touch his face.
‘I’m… not really here for work.’
He waited for her to go on, holding his spoon mid stir. His face was carefully neutral.
‘I… er…’ She looked down. ‘I’ve left my husband. Or rather, we’re leaving each other.’ She looked up to see his reaction.
For a moment his eyes shone, then the mask of neutrality returned. ‘Really?’ His voice wavered a moment and steadied. ‘What happened?’
Good question. What could she say to him? ‘It’s a long story.’
Noah crossed his arms and leaned back. ‘Try me,’ he said. He couldn't have looked more defensive
Where should she begin? She closed her eyes. ‘Well… you know all the criteria I had, for a person who was suitable to marry?’
He gave a small laugh. ‘How could I forget?’ Was there a trace of bitterness in his voice?
‘Well, one of the things that wasn’t on the list, was “heterosexual”.’ She opened her eyes.
Noah’s forehead furrowed while he worked it out. ‘You mean he left you for a man?’ His expression was one of sympathy now.
‘Worse,’ she said. ‘My niece found out about it and eventually everyone found out.’
‘Your niece?’ His frown deepened. ‘Okay, now I’m confused.’ He beckoned the waitress over and requested more tea and coffee. When she had gone, he said, ‘Now. Tell me from the beginning.’
She told him: about Gimhana; about their arrangement; about how they’d fooled everyone for seven years; about that day in Gimhana’s office. Finally, she told him about how she was finally leaving the empty life she’d created and trying to right the mistakes she’d made. To her own surprise, a tear meandered down her cheek. She quickly brushed it away with the back of her hand.
Noah leaned forward. ‘So, that day when you told me you’d got married…’
She nodded. ‘That was to Gimhana. A fake marriage. I could have seen you again, but I had promised “no affairs” and I thought… I just couldn't see how it could have worked.’
Emotions flitted across his face. For a moment, he looked like he was going to reach for her hand. He hesitated, curled his fingers into a fist and tucked it back close to him. ‘Why did you come here?’
‘Letting you go was the biggest mistake I ever made. I was so young, Noah. I was failing at my studies, my dad had a heart attack, and I felt it was my fault somehow…’ She raised her hands, in a gesture of confusion. ‘I wanted, more than anything, to make my family proud. But everything was going wrong and I thought splitting up with you would make it right again. It didn’t. I got things back on track, but I lost too much in the process.’
He stared at her, his expression a mixture of sympathy, puzzlement and… something else. Could it be hope? Wishful thinking. She could see just how bad it must have looked. She had left her husband and come back to find the jilted lover from aeons ago. Hoping for… reconciliation? It made her look crazy. This was a terrible idea.
Noah’s expression had settled on neutral, but his body language hadn’t. His arms were crossed over his chest again and he was leaning back, away from her.
‘I shouldn’t have come,’ she said. ‘I’m sorry. You’ve got a life of your own. I have no right…’
‘Hey,’ Noah interrupted. ‘Don’t be like that.’ He gave her a small smile that didn’t quite make it to his eyes. ‘It’s a bit of a surprise, that’s all. I’m not sure quite how to handle it.’
She gave him a grateful smile back, then remembered, too late, the problem with nice English boys – they were always polite, even when they had to carve themselves up inside to manage it. You could never be sure what they really felt.
Noah looked away. Chaya could feel the slow burn of his thoughts as politeness and hurt battled against each other. She picked up her tea, letting the heat from the cup warm her fingertips and wishing it were hotter. There was nothing she could say that would ease the situation now. It was all up to Noah.
He looked up. ‘I think I should take you home,’ he said.
‘Noah…’
He put up his hand. ‘No, Chaya. Don’t.’ He leaned forward, his voice dropping to a whisper. ‘Seventeen years, Chaya. That’s how long it’s been. You dumped me seventeen years ago and when we met in London, you made it very clear you’d moved on. And now… you’re back. I don’t know how to deal with this.’ He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. ‘I mean… what is it you want?’
At last, a question she knew the answer to. Given the circumstances, it would have been wiser not to say anything, but she owed him the truth. Feeling wretched, she said, ‘You.’ She sighed. ‘I want you.’
He opened his mouth to answer, then shook his head. Raising an arm, he caught the eye of the waitress and asked for the bill. Neither of them said anything until they were in the car. She stared out of the window, feelings churning inside her like indigestion. Oddly, there was no panic. There would be pain and tears later, but for now, she could keep them at bay. This was progress, of sorts.
‘You know,’ Noah said suddenly. ‘Alex warned me about this. He told me you were here for me and I told him not to be silly. I should ha
ve listened to him.’ He shook his head. ‘I can’t believe I should have taken advice from my thirteen-year-old son!’
Chaya said, ‘Well, teenagers do know everything.’
Noah glanced at her. The tension lightened.
She stared at his hands on the steering wheel and yearned to touch them. She cast about for a subject to talk about. ‘So… are your parents still working in the Middle East?’
‘Yes. I keep suggesting they go somewhere less dangerous, but they insist that nothing is going to stop them. They’re in Riyadh at the moment, so it could be worse.’ He paused. ‘How about your family?’
‘My father died last year.’
He turned to look at her. ‘Shit, really?’ He looked back at the road. ‘I’m so sorry to hear that. It must have been awful for you.’
Chaya shrugged. ‘Yes. Pretty awful.’
‘How’s your mum coping?’
‘Could be better.’
There was silence for a moment. Was he thinking about how she’d been torn between loving him and loving her family? She’d thought that by making him walk away, she could stop loving him. She had been so wrong.
In the hotel car park, Noah stopped the car and turned out the lights. He turned to her. ‘I’m sorry about back at the restaurant. I’m just… not sure how to handle this.’
Chaya unbuckled her seat belt. ‘I understand. Really, I do. I’d have been the same in your place. I’m sorry I just walked back into your life and made a mess of things. I don’t know what I was thinking.’ She smiled, trying to look braver than she felt.
He nodded. The light was behind him and she couldn’t see his face.
‘Okay then.’ She opened the door.
‘I’ll walk you to the door,’ he said, diving out of the car.
They walked slowly, unspoken conversation hanging heavy between them. When they got to the foyer, they faced each other. All she wanted to do was throw her arms around him and kiss him. But he’d rejected her once already.
So she held out her hand. ‘I guess I’ll be seeing you.’
They shook hands. ‘Yes. Goodbye.’
‘Let’s hope it doesn’t take another seven years, eh?’ She tried to smile, to make light of it.
He didn’t reply. He squeezed her hand and let it drop. ‘Bye,’ he said.
‘Bye.’ She turned round and walked into the hotel. When she looked back over her shoulder, she could see him walking out of the building, his shoulders slumped and his head down. Poor Noah. What had she done?
Back in her room, the emotion finally hit. Everything was destroyed. Her life with Gimhana, any hope of a life with Noah. All gone. The last seven years had been a disaster. She tried to tell herself that she hadn’t lost anything more than she’d already lost by coming here, but that wasn’t true. Before, she’d had hope, however faint, that Noah might still love her. But his reaction told her otherwise. It was too late for them now.
Chaya buried her face in her hands and cried for the years she’d wasted, for opportunities lost, for the woman she could have been, but wasn’t.
Chapter Eighty-One
Chaya – Canada, 2013
She must have fallen asleep crying, because she woke up in the small hours of the morning, curled up on her bed, her eyes sore and her face taut from dried tears. She felt strangely calm. She washed her face, got into her pyjamas and lay in bed, one arm tucked under her head, and considered what had happened as dispassionately as she could. If she was methodical about this, she could work out a way to get through it. She had survived worse.
She loved Noah. There was no doubt about that anymore. Underneath all that resentment, he probably loved her too. But he had made it clear that he didn’t want to just pick things up where they’d left off, and it was unfair of her to expect that of him. She had to let him go.
Turning on the light, she checked the time. It would be afternoon in Sri Lanka by now. Today was the day Gimhana had been planning to go home. She phoned him. His phone was off. He must have boarded the plane already.
‘I’m coming home,’ she said to his answerphone.
* * *
Once her flight was booked, Chaya took out the piece of paper with Noah’s number scrawled on it. The writing was lumpy and uneven because he’d used his knee as a writing surface. She stared at it, debating whether to call or not. On the one hand, he had told her he wasn’t interested. It would be common courtesy to leave him alone now. On the other hand, what else did she have to lose?
She had to psych herself up to make the call. The phone rang and rang. Finally, the answerphone kicked in. A young voice, probably Alex’s, said ‘This is Noah’s answerphone. Please leave a message’.
She started to lower the phone, but changed her mind at the last moment. She cleared her throat. ‘Hi Noah, it’s Chaya. I’m sorry to bother you again. I just wanted to tell you that I’m flying home this evening. At ten past seven.’ She paused. What else was there to say? Realising the machine was still recording, she added, ‘I’m… sorry if I upset you yesterday. I just had to know if there was any chance for us… but I know now that there isn’t. I’m sorry again for… everything. That’s all, really. Bye.’ She hung up, feeling incredibly gauche.
Chaya wasn’t sure why she told him when she was leaving. There wasn’t any real chance of him rushing over to tell her he’d changed his mind; that he did want her after all. She stayed in the room, catching up on sleep, never too far from the phone. But it didn’t ring.
Even at the boarding gate, she scanned the room, looking for a flash of red hair. Nothing. Disappointed, but not surprised, she turned and boarded the plane.
Chapter Eighty-Two
Chaya – London, 2013
Once the decision to separate was made, things moved quickly. Neither of them wanted a messy divorce. The first major shock was the realisation that it meant they had to actually separate.
Chaya stood in their kitchen, slicing a cucumber, the cold from the kitchen floor seeping into her socks, and contemplated where she wanted to live.
‘I can move out,’ said Gimhana. He was standing next to her, stirring. He picked up the small bowl of chillies that she’d sliced for him and stirred it in. The curry smelled amazing. ‘One of the other houses is empty. I can move in there for a bit.’ He owned four rental properties now. It made him a tidy income.
Chaya shook her head. ‘I don’t want to live here.’ Although she’d lived in it for seven years, she couldn’t think of the house as hers. It was his place. ‘Before you ask, I don’t want to move into your empty place either. I want somewhere for me.’
‘I wouldn’t charge you rent,’ Gimhana said, sounding offended.
‘Exactly. I need… to manage.’
Gimhana frowned. ‘Like the place you used to have when we met? The bedsit?’ He put the lid back on the saucepan and went to wash his hands.
‘I’m hoping I can afford something a bit better than that.’ She smiled. ‘Even without the professorship.’ She hadn’t got the job, she had been told within a few days of getting back from Canada. Given everything else that was going on, it hadn’t seemed as big a deal as she would have once thought. She had enough other stuff to deal with right now.
He returned and leaned against the work surface. ‘Will you stay nearby?’
She intended to. There was no reason for them to completely sever ties. It wasn’t like her feelings towards him had changed. He was still her friend. ‘Of course,’ she said.
‘That’s good,’ he said. ‘Can we still meet up? You know, hang out?’
‘Obviously.’
The look of relief on his face was quite sweet, even more so because she knew how he felt. ‘I’d miss you if we didn’t,’ she said.
‘I’d miss you too.’
Without needing to be told, he passed her a handful of cherry tomatoes to go into her salad. It was strange how they’d fallen into these domestic habits. She would miss this companionship. She carefully sliced the tomatoes into quarters.
It was all very well making plans to hang out, but that wouldn’t last. If Gimhana found a new boyfriend, they wouldn’t want her tagging along like the ultimate gooseberry. She would have to find her own social life. Maybe she could spend more time with Sara. Or take up a hobby or something.
Gimhana was looking at her again, with that mother hen expression on his face. It was nice that he worried about her, but really, she didn’t need it anymore.
‘How did you get on with contacting Zack?’ she asked.
That distracted him. ‘No luck,’ he said. ‘He’s still not speaking to me.’
‘Shall I try?’
Gimhana looked up. ‘Would you?’
‘I said I would, didn’t I? I’ll call him.’
‘Or,’ said Gimhana. ‘We could go see him. He’s in his old student house until the lease runs out. It might be better to talk to him face to face.’
His expression was so hopeful, she didn’t have the heart to argue. Instead, she said, ‘How do you know that he’s there?’
Gim looked sheepish. ‘He’s blocked me from everything, but I can still see his friends’ Facebook feeds. They’re mostly public.’
She put the knife down. ‘You really have got it bad,’ she said, smiling.
Gimhana shrugged. ‘Can’t stop thinking about him. It’s like… he’s part of me. Does that make any sense?’
Chaya stilled. That was how she’d felt about Noah. How she still felt about him, if she was being honest. But he didn’t want her, so that was that. The sadness gaped inside her chest, but she took a deep breath and rode it. She wasn’t sure if this improvement was due to the drugs that she’d finally agreed to try, the counselling she had started again or the fact that she’d let go of something that was tying her in knots, but either way, she felt better now. Not happier, just more… normal.
A Convenient Marriage Page 31