Thoughts zoomed through my mind faster than I could track. I wondered if he was ever going to want me. He had hurt me and I was certain he didn’t even know it. I had been in love with him for three years and had been heart-broken for the past two years because he went back to Hannah right before he left for college. That moment became the very first time I stood alone with him, in his room, and I had nothing to say to him. It was no wonder to me that he had decided Hannah was the better choice!
Thank heavens he broke my panicked thoughts and answered back, “I guess I care because I want to look nice since I only see all these people a couple of times a year. Besides, you’re always beautiful, so you must care about how you look.”
Did I hear him right? Did he just say I’m always beautiful?
“Well you do make an excellent point Ethan,” again my reply contained sarcasm. “But you see, I have to care about how I look. I’m still single and I’m eighteen! No matter how hard I try, sometimes, to look good, as far as any guys around here are concerned, I don’t exist!” I rolled my eyes and laughed before I continued saying, “I’ve still never had more than one date with a guy or even…” I stopped myself suddenly.
“Even what?” he asked.
“Nothing!”
“No, even what? I want to hear the rest.”
“Nope. Nothing more to say on that topic,” I responded, and my voice cracked because I had completely humiliated myself.
Ethan wasn’t dropping it though. He prodded, “I want you to say anything to me. We’ve known each other a long time. Remember when I was leaving for basic training, and we were on the phone all night before I left?”
Remember? How could I forget! I thought he was calling me because he was ready to have a relationship with me, but the next day, after he had left, I found out he had gone back to Hannah. I had no idea. I was crushed. Right now I’m in disbelief that he remembers our conversation.
Ethan continued, “I wasn’t afraid to tell you how nervous I was, or tell you I wasn’t sure if I’d made the right decision. I spent the entire night on the phone with you knowing that beginning the next day, I wouldn’t be in contact with anyone for weeks. You were the only person I felt comfortable enough to tell I was scared and I wasn’t sure I’d made the right decision. And now, you can’t finish one sentence?”
“That was two years ago Ethan. You don’t really stay in touch with me anymore. You and Hannah have made quite a commitment since then. I’m not sure I should even be in here with you. If she saw me here, she’d probably lose her mind!” I was angry and of course very jealous.
“Well, I still see us as friends, so I’d like for you to able to tell me anything. Finish your sentence. I won’t judge. I promise.”
How does he always keep such a level head? How could I argue, or stay angry with him? All I could think for a minute was about how I told myself over and over again, I don’t care how many girlfriends he has, he’s going to marry me… someday! Somehow, I still feel like he is meant for me, so, of course I gave in.
“Okay Ethan,” I said smiling this time. “I was going to say, I’ve never even been kissed by a boy. That is what I was going to say. Happy now? Uh, I’m humiliated.” I shyly pulled my hair over my nose and mouth, then buried my face in my hands.
Keeping a distance between us, Ethan sweetly pulled my hands away from my face. He softly tucked my hair back behind my ears and said, “Well, first you don’t need to feel humiliated; second, I think that is great; and third… what?”
Looking directly at me he then seemed afraid to ask, but he did, “Not even Brody?”
My chin raised, my eyes widened, I gaped. “No! Not even Brody! Why would Brody kiss me Ethan?” I stammered, “I, I, can’t believe you’d ask that!”
“I’m sorry. I had to. I just had to know. Forget it. Back to your statement.” He tried erasing the thoughts for us both. “So why haven’t you kissed anyone? You’ve been out with some great guys at school. They all seem to really like you. They move mountains just to ask you out. Doesn’t anyone ever just call you to ask you out? They all have to make up big theatrical productions to ask you on one date!”
Although the image of Brody and I lingered momentarily, I maintained my sanity and stayed in the conversation. I replied, “Yes, one date, one time! They ask me out one time. Then, when they realize that I am truly, um…”
“Whaaaat!?” he asked in frustration.
This time, I turned away from him in embarrassment and whispered, “When they realize that I am saving myself for my husband, the guys don’t ever want to go out with me again. Now, it’s pretty well known at school that I am not a ‘fun girl’ to date, so no one even asks me out on first dates anymore. Well, except the guys I am friends with of course. I spend almost all of my time with Brody and Kieron. But, so you know, that’s because I am one of the only girls around who is a wicked skier!”
“Yes, I’m very aware of you being here all the time. That is the only reason I brought my brother up a few minutes ago. And, I’ve heard him mention your skills a time or two over the years.”
Ethan smirked then continued, “Let’s get back to the topic.”
I rolled my eyes in dread.
“You’re saving yourself for your husband? That could be a long time. You’re young. Are you ready for that?”
Without hesitation I said, “Uh yes! I’ve made it this far. You know my faith comes first. My faith certainly comes before a bunch of random guys who will be gone from my life within the next few months. I’ve never put much stock in high school relationships. They don’t seem to have a point in my opinion unless two people are going to college together or staying here and getting married right after graduation.
“I plan on moving away, like my brother did, like you did. I plan on packing up and going to college in the south. I’m leaving, so why would I get involved in an intimate relationship with someone when I know that it will be temporary and therefore meaningless? I want all of my first moments to be with someone I plan on being with forever. Otherwise, I’ve wasted myself, my promises and my time.”
I paused then said, “I want to be with the one person I love, and I want that person to want only me and love only me. I want to be the only one for someone. If that someone isn’t willing to pursue me, perhaps they aren’t the one for me.”
And just like that, I had accidentally let this secret that I had held onto for three years slip out. I desperately hoped he didn’t pick up on my reference.
“The one person you love? You said that in present tense. You’re in love with someone, right now? Evi, do you already have someone in mind?”
Uh oh, he caught it. My mind panicked. I thought, Oh my goodness. What do I do? What do I say?
I responded calmly, “Maybe I do. Maybe, but you also need to pay attention to the second part of that statement. If someone isn’t willing to pursue me, they aren’t the one for me. I want to be the only one for someone. I don’t think I’m being unrealistic or asking too much.”
“So maybe you have someone in mind?” He responded quietly this time, turning his head slightly to the side as if he may have been trying to figure out who I was thinking about.
“Why do you keep going back to that?” I replied feeling irritated.
“Because it’s important to me. I keep you close, so, I can keep you close. I always have Evi.”
“That explains the coffee this morning,” I said to him with one eyebrow raised.
A very subtle smile appeared, then disappeared from his face.
Ethan moved over to where I was standing until he was right in front of me. This was it. This was the first time I had ever stood, alone, that close to any guy. We had hugged a thousand times, but we had never just stood face to face before that moment. His eyes looked back and forth at mine. The warmth of his gentle breath brushed my lips.
I was terrified that he could see through my gaze that there had never and would never be anyone for me except him. It was so difficult to l
ook at him. My heart was yearning for him with every beat.
He took both of my hands and held them in his. He moved even closer to me. He leaned so close to my face and said, “I’ve watched you grow up for the past three years. I want you over here every time I’m home. I feel a connection to you, and I always want you near me. I want to know what you’re doing. I want to know who you are with. I want to know everything about you all the time. I don’t know why, but you are very important to me, and you have been since the very first time I saw you.”
I stood completely petrified. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t think.
He continued, “But, I need you to know, for now, I’ve been in love with Hannah since I was fifteen. I am not a person who will ever be unfaithful. She’s good to me. We’ve grown up together. If your ‘someone’ is committed to someone else, I want you move on. You are amazing. You are everything that a guy wants and needs. You are beautiful, too beautiful actually. You’re funny, you’re kind and caring, you’re talented. I could go on and on. But Evi, you need to find someone as wonderful as you who will pursue you like you want. You’re right, if a guy isn’t willing to pursue you, he isn’t worthy of having you.”
I was frozen. First of all, I could have sworn Brody had said very similar words to me over the years. And second, I was in complete disbelief that he was crushing me, again. How on earth did I get myself into this? He is reminding me how much he loves someone else! I was so embarrassed and very hurt. All I could think was, just don’t cry, just don’t cry. I’m pretty sure he said something after that, but I didn’t hear anything else, because I was busy talking myself out of crying.
Just as I got the clarity to jerk my hands away from his, there was a knock on his door, and we both snapped out of our thoughts.
I gaped, then pleaded, “Please don’t tell anyone I’m in here. I would die if anyone knew I was alone with Ethan Parker in his room, or alone in any guy’s room for that matter.”
“Of course not,” he whispered before asking, “Evi, are you okay?”
Even though I had broken his grip, he gently rubbed his hand down my arm, then he kissed me on my forehead. He now knew I was in love with him, and he was letting me know that he didn’t feel the same way. I looked down. My anger returned, but I didn’t respond.
The person knocked again and yelled, “Ethan! Open the door! What you are doing in there?”
“Geez!” I said with a quiet chuckle. “It’s Kieron. Open the door.”
Ethan opened the door about half way so not to look suspicious but also making sure I couldn’t be seen standing behind him against the wall.
“Come downstairs!” Kieron barked.
“I’m on my way. I’m changing my clothes. Give me a minute,” Ethan replied.
“Where’s Evi?” Kieron asked loudly. “Her car’s out front, but I can’t find her anywhere.”
“I don’t know Kieron! Maybe she’s down on the beach.”
“No Ethan! Evi wouldn’t be down there. She hates climbing down through those trees to your beach. She thinks there are snakes in the brush.” Kieron looked at Ethan like he was crazy.
“Well, why are you looking for her anyway? What do you want with her? I thought you had a serious girlfriend? And isn’t your girlfriend one of Evi’s best friends?”
“Geez! What’s wrong with you? Why so many questions Ethan? Maddie and I decided to break up a few weeks ago after almost three years together! It’s all cool though. There are no hard feelings. I think she’s already seeing someone else.”
“So again, why are you looking for Evi?” Ethan asked as he looked a bit sideways at me.
I could not believe Ethan was asking Kieron that. I rolled my eyes at him and gave him a glare as if to say, “It’s none of your business after what you just said to me.”
“Ummm… because she’s my best friend and I plan on hanging out with her tonight. Besides, I think I want to see where things could go with her. Maybe it’s time for us to be more serious about our relationship. Evi was the first girl I ever asked out on a real date you know?”
“Yeah, I know. Then, you put her in the friend zone, and within a few days you were going out with her best friend.”
I could not believe Ethan was sounding so protective of me.
“Dude, stop with the lecture! Have you seen Evi or not?” Kieron asked in a frustrated tone.
“She’s around somewhere. Go find her. I’ll be out in a minute. Tell everyone, I’ll be downstairs soon.”
Ethan closed the door and looked at me standing there.
I spoke first. I was mad and upset that he embarrassed me with his speech about how much he loves his girlfriend. “We better go. Hannah will probably be here any minute. Oh, and for the record Ethan, you’re not my brother, my dad or my boyfriend so you really didn’t need to be so nosey with Kieron about me!”
Once more, Ethan leaned toward me. Standing a few inches from my face, he looked me directly in the eyes, and softly said, “I couldn’t help myself. I really don’t know why, but I have to keep you close Evi. I came to your house this morning because I wanted to be the first person to see you.”
I cocked my head at him speechless.
He backed away and opened the door just a crack to make sure there was no one around. He smiled and motioned for me leave.
I wondered if he was playing some sort of head games with me.
Still smiling, Ethan positioned himself in the doorway so I would have walk under his arm and very close to him in order to exit. I felt like a switch had been suddenly flipped inside of me. I became someone else, but only for a matter of seconds. As I exited, confidently and boldly, with full intention, I brushed my body against his. Once we were pressed gently to one another, I paused and used a light grip on his waist to lean close to his face. With my mouth slightly open, I exhaled very slowly. Then, pulling back, lowering my eyes to his buckle and biting my bottom lip, I raked my fingertips across his shirt just above his belt.
Before I walked away, looking up one more time, feeling strong, I focused on his eyes. This time I was hoping he could read my mind. I was sad and hurt. I said to him without actually using any words, “I am the one being cheated on here. You are supposed to be with me.”
Ethan smiled at my courage. His instincts forced him to slowly attempt a kiss, but he stopped himself.
I made no reaction. I simply turned and left him standing there.
Chapter 5
Walking down the hallway from Ethan’s room I had to give myself a pep talk. I needed a distraction. It went something like this: “I cannot believe I have graduated from high school and I’ll be moving to South Carolina in two months! I have a whole new life ahead of me. There are so many beginnings in life. High school is over; that part of my life has ended. Going to college, this is my next beginning. I have one summer before saying goodbye for four years to my home. Ethan will be back in New York soon, so life will be more bearable for me while I get ready to leave. Now, in the meantime, I’ll find out what Kieron meant by ‘see where things could go with her’.”
I went to the backyard to see who all had arrived. Several of my friends were there. Brody had appeared from wherever he was when I arrived, and there were people there from at least three different grade levels from our school. Music was playing, games were set up, a fire was blazing, and the sun was setting. I stopped and said hello to some friends, and it wasn’t long before I was literally swept off my feet.
Kieron ran up to me, scooped me up in his arms, and spun us around a few times.
“Do you have any plans for the night Evi?” he asked still holding me.
“Um, well, I was planning on being here for a while. Why do you ask?” I said to him laughing as I squirmed out of his arms and onto the ground.
“I plan on considering this our second date! Is that okay with you?”
“Are you asking me to be your date for tonight Kieron?”
“Yep.”
“Really? Are you sure?” I
asked.
“Yes Evi. I’m sure. Let’s try it.”
“Okay. We can try it. What are we going to do first on this second date?” I was trying to flirt, but I was not sure if I was succeeding.
“Well usually on dates, people eat, so we’ll get something to eat. Then, we will team up and beat some people at ping-pong and pool, maybe horseshoes too. After all that, we can sit by the fire. And finally, we can conclude our evening with a long walk on the beach. Can you think of a better date? We’ve got it all right here at the Parkers’ house!”
I thought to myself, Wow, he’s right, we can actually have a date right here, tonight.
“Kieron, it all sounds great! Let’s do this.”
To be honest, at first, I was nervous about shifting our friendship into a possible dating situation, but I figured we’d probably never make it to a third date. Therefore, I decided to enjoy the evening.
Kieron and I ate, then played games. After a few rounds of pool and horseshoes, we decided to sit by the fire and chat for a while. I was having a really good time with him. He was a perfect distraction from how the evening had begun for me. It seemed like a week had passed since my private talk with Ethan. I knew I would think more about it the next day, and the next, and for probably many more days. I knew I would feel the pain again soon, but in that moment, Kieron was keeping me laughing and busy.
Kieron took my hand and walked me over to a place on the ground near the fire. He of course chose a spot beside Ethan and Hannah. They were settled on a blanket and had their arms around each other. As we sat down next to them, I tried desperately not to make eye contact with Ethan. I was still embarrassed, and I didn’t want give any sign of how I felt about him. I’d gotten very used to just going on with my life as far as Ethan was concerned because I had had to be around him and his girlfriend too many times.
Just for Now Page 3