* * *
I arrived in Ponderosa late Friday night and went straight to bed after catching up for a little while with my parents. I figured I’d tell them about Clark later.
The next morning, my buzzing phone woke me up at ten. Ethan was texting me. “What are your plans for today Ev?”
“Don’t have any right now. Will you just call me Ethan? It’s too early to type.”
“Are you serious? Too early? It’s ten! Are you still in bed? Get up!”
“Oh my gosh Ethan! Call me! I can’t focus right now.”
“No, I think more texting is just what the doctor ordered to make sure you are good and awake.”
“Ugh! What do doctors know? I’m done Ethan. Call me or this conversation is over!”
I was lying in bed laughing now. Geesh, it’s no wonder I love him so much. I took a deep breath and very slowly released it. Darn it, I thought, why do I still feel this way about him? He was calling me. I answered. But before I could speak, a gleeful, “Good morning sunshine!” came through the phone.
“Hey! I miss you so much Ethan!”
I thought, Oh crap! Did I just say that out loud?
“Evi, did you just say you miss me?”
Think. Think. I buried my face under my pillow.
“Evi? Hello? I heard what you said. Say something.”
I couldn’t lie to him. “Yes, I said I miss you. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry and so embarrassed. I shouldn’t have said that,” I whined.
“Evi, I can barely hear you.”
“That’s because I have my face buried under my pillow Ethan. I’m humiliated now. Maybe calling wasn’t such a good idea either!”
“Well throw the stupid pillow on the floor and talk to me.”
“I can’t. I’m really too embarrassed.”
Soldier mode kicked in for a few seconds. “Don’t make me come over there and yank the pillow from your hand and throw it on the floor myself! And don’t apologize. Talk to me.” Then his toned softened a bit, “Besides, if it makes you feel any better, I miss you too. There, it’s over now. You’re okay.”
I mumbled, “Well, I will be okay, but it’ll take at least a few more minutes.”
Changing the subject I asked, “What time do you leave today?”
“I’m leaving at five. I really want to see you Evi. We haven’t spent any time together in over six months. Can we get together?” He was so sincere. I absorbed the sound of his voice for a moment. It was familiar, comforting. It was a sound I’d known and heard many times over the past several years.
I began thinking that I really didn’t want this conversation to have to get serious. I recalled how hurt I was when we were on the beach together the night before I left for school. Ethan makes me laugh. I loved joking and playing around with him, but I was not ready to get roped into having to face that he and Hannah were still together. In addition to that, I had been seeing Clark and wasn’t sure where that relationship was going. Basically, even though I didn’t want to have a serious conversation, I knew I was going to have to face one.
Regaining ownership of my emotions I asked him, “What do plan on us doing Ethan? You know I would love to see you. I always look forward to seeing you, but do you remember the last time we were alone together?”
“Of course I do Ev. It’s just that, since we’ve met, we’ve never gone this long without spending time together. I really do miss you.”
“Ethan, you promised to never hurt me again the last time we were alone together. I trust you, but I think I may need to help you keep that promise. You leave in seven hours. Seven hours! What difference will having lunch together, or getting coffee, or sitting at my house, or sitting at your house, or making out for a few minutes make? I want you to be sure you are ready to be with me and only me.”
Ethan interrupted me, “You make out with guys now Evi?”
“What?” I asked completely confused.
“I said, do you make out with guys now Evi?”
“No! Why would you ask me that?”
“Uh, because you said what difference would making out for a few minutes make? That is definitely what you said.” He was laughing.
“No I didn’t!” I thought for a second then asked him, “Did I say that?”
He roared. “Yes! You did say that. Don’t misunderstand Evi, I would not have a problem with that option. As a matter of fact, I can’t think of anything I’d rather do before I get on a plane today.”
“Okay, I really should not ever speak to you again Ethan. I can’t live with this much embarrassment in one life time.”
“Oh, now I really want to see you today. I have got to see your face. I want to make sure you aren’t lying to me about making out with other guys.”
“No. Leave me alone Ethan. I’m serious. Do not call me just so you can pop in and say hi. That’s not what I want from you. I’m not the same person I was last summer. A lot has happened in the past few months, and I can’t see you today Ethan. I am so sorry. I just can’t.”
“Okay Evi. I can see I’m not going to be able to change your mind right now. I understand. When do you go back to school?”
“I leave Friday morning. I’ll be back in my dorm first thing Saturday morning. I’m staying with one of the girls from my hall Friday night.”
“Okay. Hey, have a really good week. The mountain is still open ya know so don’t break anything skiing you clumsy goober! I’ve still never met anyone as clumsy as you. I don’t how you’ve survived this long.”
“Hey! There is nothing clumsy about me on skis! You’re just jealous because you’ve never been coordinated enough to figure out how to ski.”
“Yeah, yeah, tell yourself that sweetie. Have a good week and a safe trip back. And I really do miss you Evi, believe it or not.” He said it so lovingly that I truly believed him.
“I miss you too Ethan. I really do, but we’re young, we’ll get over it right?”
“Maybe Evi. Maybe.”
“Bye Ethan.”
“I’ll call you again soon. Bye babe,” he said softly.
That was new. His words went in through my ears and filled my soul like a warm vapor. He did it, and I know he did it on purpose. He grabbed ahold of my heart once more and I craved him again, probably even more than ever. My thoughts… Ugh! How does he do that? and, Why do I let him do that?
I wanted to call him back and tell him to come over as quickly as he could, but I had to turn off my emotions and think. I would see him in June when he came home for his summer break. I’d make sure he told me once and for all if he was ready to be with only me. Time was coming for me to put Ethan behind me. For the time being, I’d continue in my comfortable world and enjoy my week in Ponderosa.
Spring Break was fun. Turns out that Kieron and Brody were both home the same week as me. We skied and hung out at my house, then at Brody’s for a few days. The three of us were inseparable. We even watched movies, ate junk food, and had sleep-overs together. Then, the middle of the week, my parents and I went to see Jarren. He was home the week before me and since his school is only a few hours away, we had planned on going to see him all along.
After a fun visit, a lot of skiing, and two days with my brother, I boarded a plane for South Carolina. My friend Ginger picked me up from the airport. I wasn’t ready to see Clark yet, so I told him I’d be back in my dorm Saturday. I stayed the night with Ginger, and we moved back into our dorm rooms first thing the Saturday morning.
Chapter 12
Piper wasn’t going to be back until Sunday, so I had the room to myself for the night. Saturday afternoon, there was a play at the theater on campus. If we went and brought our tickets to our professor, we would get extra credit. After getting settled back into my room, I got dressed up but left my hair down and shaggy. I had let it dry naturally so it was very curly that day.
Just after I got ready, someone knocked on my door. I suddenly remembered that I had told Clark to come see me before he left for Atlanta. I felt ho
rrible about forgetting that. I opened the door and sure enough it was him. He looked amazing. He wasn’t in uniform. He wore a pair of khaki shorts, a light blue polo and flip flops. He looked like a breath of fresh air. I wondered how he was able to make me forget my name just by looking at me.
“Clark! Come in!” I pulled him by his hand.
He stepped in and we gave each other a strong hug while he kissed me on my cheek by my ear. Holding tightly to him, I exhaled.
We stood near the door as I spoke first. “I didn’t realize how much I missed seeing you until I opened my door.”
“Well I’ve missed you like crazy every minute of every day.”
I felt bad about the way I worded what I try to explain my comment. I asked him to sit with me and I said, “Clark, I’m sorry. All I meant was that since I was out of town, at home, for the week, I’ve been busy and distracted. I missed you. I just kept moving so much that I haven’t thought much about anything except what I was going to do next.”
“So you were busy huh? Too busy to call me, even once?” He looked sad and mad at the same time, but he reached over and held my fingertips.
“Clark, I’m not trying to make you jealous, but I wasn’t actually alone this entire week. I didn’t call anyone.”
“So if you weren’t alone, who were you with all week?”
“Well, I’ve never told you this, but my best friends are guys. We spent every day on the mountain until closing, and the three of us spent every night together at one of our houses. Then, I went to Washington to visit my brother. I stayed in his dorm room with him, so I was never alone.”
“So you sleep all night at other guys’ houses? In the same room with them?”
“Yes Clark. We have for years. We’re just friends. Our parents know it, our brothers all know it, kids at school all know it. It’s not an issue.”
“Fine Evi. So why didn’t you have me get you from the airport?”
“I had already made plans to stay with Ginger. Clark, I’m sorry.” My heart was hurting for him.
“I understand.” He replied trying to sound casual, but I knew he didn’t. I knew he missed me, and I never even told my parents about him.
We spoke a little more about my trip home, seeing my brother, and skiing all week with my two best friends. He wanted more information. I had nothing to hide, so I was very forthcoming and truthful. We talked a little about the things he had planned for his week with his family. No part of our conversation was deep. It was all small talk. He asked why I was so dressed up and I told him. He told me I looked beautiful and that he really did miss me while I was gone and he’d miss me this coming week too.
I think that was the moment I felt a complete sense of guilt and dishonesty. I couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that there was one more person I had never told him about, Ethan. The problem was, I still didn’t want to tell him about Ethan. Ethan was in my heart. I was afraid Clark would try to talk me out of my feelings for Ethan, and I was becoming more certain that that was never going to happen.
I realized that just like being home was a distraction for me, Clark was also a distraction for me. He made me forget everything about my life. He was my perfect distraction. He was perfect, and I didn’t face reality when I was with him. I sat there wondering if I truly loved him or if he just kept me busy so I didn’t think about Ethan. I was suddenly aware that until I figured it out, I was not being fair to Clark.
I looked at Clark deeply and quietly. He was quiet too. I took his hand and placed it in the center of my chest. “Do you feel that?” I asked him.
“Yes Evi,” he whispered looking at our hands.
“You make my heart race. You make me forget the world around me. You make me happy.”
“So is that a problem? Why do I get the feeling this is about to go south quick?” He moved his hand away.
“Clark, I told you I’m not pretending or trying to string you along, but I think that maybe I’m not being completely honest with you either. You are my fantasy world. I don’t face reality with you. You are perfect. We are perfect, but…”
He interrupted, “Evi, there’s nothing wrong with being happy with someone, with me. I don’t know why you can’t seem to let yourself completely love someone. You’re so insecure about something. You worry about promises and marriage. I know we have three years ahead of us before marriage is a possibility, but I can and do promise you that I will be here for you forever. Some days will be bad, you’ll see, but I will be here for you. I am not going to abandon you, ever! There’s nothing wrong with us starting out perfect for each other.”
Although it may have been unfair, I let Ethan’s voice drowned out everything Clark had said to me. “Clark, please enjoy your Spring Break with your family. I want this to be over. I’m not… not right for you, at least not right now. If you want to go out with another girl, I want you to do that. Do whatever you want Clark. Please don’t think about me right now.” I got up and opened the door for him to leave.
He rushed to me, grabbed me and hugged me. He buried his face in my neck and said, “Don’t do this Evi.”
I gasped in an attempt to hold back tears, and I began to hug him back. Immediately, I pushed him slightly away and I let him go. He looked right at me for a few seconds, but I couldn’t bear the pain in his eyes. He studied my expression, my tears. I turned away, and he left.
Once the door closed, I let my tears flow. I sat on my bed again furious with myself. I couldn’t believe I just ended that relationship all because I couldn’t be honest with one of the most trustworthy people I would probably ever meet. He would understand. Clark would understand. I thought about going after him, but I needed to sit and cry. I needed to breathe. I needed to be reasonable. I knew that running to him would not help me get over Ethan, and I knew it would never be fair to have him in my life if I was still thinking about someone else.
When Clark left, anyone would be able to see he was very upset. He went downstairs with his head down and was moving quickly for the door. As he crossed the lobby of my dorm he bumped into someone entering.
“You okay man? Sorry ‘bout that.”
Clark responded, “I’m okay, excuse me.”
“You don’t look okay.”
“My girlfriend just broke up with me.”
Just then a girl from my hall walked by them and said, “Hey Clark, you here to see Evi?”
“Um, yeah,” he responded.
“Evi? That’s a different name.”
“Yeah, her name is Everclear.”
“Well you seem like a great guy, a gentleman, I’m sure she’ll either come to her senses or you’ll find someone even better.” The stranger replied politely.
“‘Perfect guy’ is how she put it, but you don’t know her. There is no one better.”
“Have you been dating long?”
“Only about two months,” Clark said.
“Well if she’s not the one, then there’s always someone better.”
“No. There’s really no one better. Can I show you a picture of her?”
“Uh, sure. I have a few minutes.”
Clark always took lots of pictures of us. Everywhere we went he wanted to take pictures. He showed this stranger the very first picture we ever took together, the one Byron took of us where I was smiling so big with his arms holding onto me. Then he showed him a picture of us at the beach after our shower. I was facing him wearing only my bikini. My forehead was pressed into his chin, my hands were holding onto his waist, my eyes were closed. I was thinking about how much I loved him. He looked at the camera with a serious expression. He had one arm wrapped around my back with his hand on my shoulder, and he snapped the picture with the other hand.
“Isn’t she beautiful?” Clark asked.
“Uh, um, yeah… she is. A rare beauty my friend,” the stranger replied.
“She’s not rare. Girls like her are not rare. They are extinct. She’s the last one on earth. She’s sweet, hilarious, and affectionate.
”
The guy asked Clark, “Um, I’m not from around here. Where was this picture taken?” He pointed to the one of us as the beach.
“Oh! Yeah! That was taken out at Folly Beach. We spent an amazing weekend together there.”
“Amazing huh? Well, you seem to really care for her. I uh, I have to go.” He was now trying to end the conversation.
Clark continued anyway, “She makes you feel like you are the only person in the world when she looks at you. Have you ever met a girl like that?”
“Yes, just one. Well, man, I’m sorry she’s broken up with you. I hope everything works out, or I hope you find a girl who will show you she loves you apparently the way this girl has.”
“Oh no. It’s not like that. She doesn’t believe in being physical in anyway. I’m sure this is way too much information, but she doesn’t, well, she’s one of the good girls.”
“Are you trying to tell me that after two months, and spending a weekend at the beach in a hotel alone, this girl has still never done anything with you?”
“Nope, nothing. She says the guys from home are not interested in her because she’s not a ‘fun girl’ to date. Must be a bunch of idiots. Why would any guy not want someone like her?” Clark was trying to stall. He didn’t want to leave my dorm.
“Wow. I agree. Idiots. Hey, I need to go. Again, I’m sorry to hear about your girl. I do hope things get better for you and you find your ‘Miss right.’”
“Hey, real quick, what are you doing here? I’ve never seen you around here before.” Clark asked.
“Oh, I’m here to ask a girl out on a first date. Aren’t we a pair?”
They laughed, then Clark said, “My name’s Clark Ravenel. What’s your name? Maybe I’ll see you around again.”
“My name’s Ethan, Ethan Parker. Good luck to you Clark.” And he left the conversation there. Having heard enough, he was actually hoping they wouldn’t cross paths again.
They shook hands and parted ways.
Up in my room, still crying, I was talking myself out of chasing Clark. Then, I jumped up, grabbed my key, and ran out my door. Just as it closed behind me, I got a sick feeling and knew I was making a mistake. I leaned against my door and thought, I may not be Ethan’s only one, but he is still mine, for now. I turned around and scanned my card. I was opening my door when I heard a voice behind me say, “Going somewhere?”
Just for Now Page 10